Discussion
funkyrobot said:
Thanks OP. Downloaded last night and taking a look.
Would it be possible to let me know how you went about writing this? Did you have to plan it or did it just come to you as you wrote it? Also, how did you plan your characters?
A few questions, I know. However, writing is an itch I'm about to scratch.
Thank you for downloading it, I hope you enjoy it!Would it be possible to let me know how you went about writing this? Did you have to plan it or did it just come to you as you wrote it? Also, how did you plan your characters?
A few questions, I know. However, writing is an itch I'm about to scratch.
Your question requires a long answer! I shall do my best to answer it.
First, let me say that I would not write a book how I did the first time. The first time, I just wrote and wrote and wrote, which meant, come first edit, I literally re-wrote the book, including huge sections of the plot. I am tempted to say that this technique my be a necessity regardless of how hard you try to plan your first book, purely because it's unknown territory.
Characters come as you write - I start with a character that already exists (be it fictional or non) and build from there. For my first book, the characters didn't really come to life until the first edit, purely because I wasn't sure what I was doing - the second book, I already have a feel for how to create a character, how much detail I need to go into etc. I think I introduce a character in a little more detail now, back story etc. That said, you learn more about a character and how they behave and react as you write the story, and this may then change where you thought your plot would go. Ensuring your characters have a small set of rules that define their behaviour should stop them ending up the same (mine in Noah's Ark are probably a bit too similar, something I've tried to avoid second time around!)
As for creating a plot, the second time around has been a staged process for me. I wrote a general synopsis, which I broke into more detailed sections, which have now become chapter plans. As a i write, i refine, or even completely change the chapters plans and general synopsis, and i find having that all written down takes it off my mind so I dont worry about forgetting things.
To start writing, I would say that its all about practice. Write 1000 words a day, regardless. Read books that you admire and are inspired by. I find audiobooks differentiate the experience enough not to muddle it with your own writing. Make notes of expressions, details, or techniques for characterisation that you think work well.
I warn you though, the writing is the easy bit - its the editing that's the killer. it's a long slog, its hard work and its demoralising. I tend to quickly edit a chapter after I've written it, and even then ill look back and think what ive written is dismal. Writing is such a process of learning that youll never be happy with what youve written, and part of the editing process is to step away from your book for a bit, a few months maybe, come back to it and re-read it. It will be terrible. That's perfectly normal. Then you re-write.
I've probably repeated stuff here and not been too clear, but i hope that ive given you some kind of idea of what happens. Bear in mind that this is the process that works for me - you may be different.
Good luck!
Justayellowbadge said:
I read it last night.
Your comments confirm what I suspected, that it hadn't been professionally edited.
The prose style becomes leaner as it goes on, and the latter half is, in my opinion, better for it.
Interesting and it kept my attention.
Wow, that's some quick going!Your comments confirm what I suspected, that it hadn't been professionally edited.
The prose style becomes leaner as it goes on, and the latter half is, in my opinion, better for it.
Interesting and it kept my attention.
It has been edited by a third party, but not to any where near the extent a big publishing house would work on it.
Thank you for reading, I hope it was an enjoyable use of an evening
Can I ask what your usual literary tipple is?Decidedly catholic.
Anything from Proust to Crichton.
Guilty pleasure, though, when no-one is looking (bless you kindle) anything that features unassuming lead who inadvertently discovers an ancient artifact that leads to a devastating secret that could change the world. Usually involving a race against time from Prague to Rio or through the backstreets of Europe and given titles like 'The Sphinx Legacy' or 'The Asterix Prophecy' and invariably sporting a silhouetted running man and either cloisters or columns on the cover.
Aldi does Dan Brown in other words. Almost without exception derivative and, well, rubbish yet I cannot help myself.
Anything from Proust to Crichton.
Guilty pleasure, though, when no-one is looking (bless you kindle) anything that features unassuming lead who inadvertently discovers an ancient artifact that leads to a devastating secret that could change the world. Usually involving a race against time from Prague to Rio or through the backstreets of Europe and given titles like 'The Sphinx Legacy' or 'The Asterix Prophecy' and invariably sporting a silhouetted running man and either cloisters or columns on the cover.
Aldi does Dan Brown in other words. Almost without exception derivative and, well, rubbish yet I cannot help myself.
Thanks for the info Andy.
I have started the note process and have some ideas about stories I would like to write. At the moment, they are only a few paragraphs, but it's a start.
The problem I seem to find is I write something, then I'm not happy with it and I write it again. This causes issues as I never seem to get further than a few paragraphs. I guess I need to do what you say and write it, but let it go (otherwise I will never get anywhere).
Another problem for me seems to be a worry that I won't be able to create good dialogue or good characters. However, after reading your comments it seems like these items appear as the story progresses.
With regards to planning, I'm all for this at the moment. I've found a few sources online that suggest taking a synopsis or brief description of the story and breaking this down further and further. If done correctly, you should end up with a plan, then chapter outlines with key events etc. Looks like you will do this for your second book. I know of some authors (Neal Asher) who just write and write without real planning. But, as you say, it's personal preference.
I guess you just need to crack on and write really.
As soon as I have read your book I'll try to give you some constructive feedback. As of yet, I haven't written anything bigger than dissertations of 23 thousand words, but I do enjoy writing and have a very vivid imagination! So, the feedback will be from the point of view of a reader with a hunger to write, not a seasoned author.
Oh yes, I've read the first few pages of your book. Initial thoughts are that the 'hang' at the beginning is great (a chap in his car who has just escaped something terrible). I'll let you know more as I read.
Finally, I'm so pleased that you made this thread and that you have managed to write a book. It doesn't look easy at all and seems to be a hard slog. I only wish I noticed your questions a while ago when you were writing. It's good to speak to someone on here who has gone through a process I want to go through soon. Good luck with it.
I have started the note process and have some ideas about stories I would like to write. At the moment, they are only a few paragraphs, but it's a start.
The problem I seem to find is I write something, then I'm not happy with it and I write it again. This causes issues as I never seem to get further than a few paragraphs. I guess I need to do what you say and write it, but let it go (otherwise I will never get anywhere).
Another problem for me seems to be a worry that I won't be able to create good dialogue or good characters. However, after reading your comments it seems like these items appear as the story progresses.
With regards to planning, I'm all for this at the moment. I've found a few sources online that suggest taking a synopsis or brief description of the story and breaking this down further and further. If done correctly, you should end up with a plan, then chapter outlines with key events etc. Looks like you will do this for your second book. I know of some authors (Neal Asher) who just write and write without real planning. But, as you say, it's personal preference.
I guess you just need to crack on and write really.
As soon as I have read your book I'll try to give you some constructive feedback. As of yet, I haven't written anything bigger than dissertations of 23 thousand words, but I do enjoy writing and have a very vivid imagination! So, the feedback will be from the point of view of a reader with a hunger to write, not a seasoned author.
Oh yes, I've read the first few pages of your book. Initial thoughts are that the 'hang' at the beginning is great (a chap in his car who has just escaped something terrible). I'll let you know more as I read.
Finally, I'm so pleased that you made this thread and that you have managed to write a book. It doesn't look easy at all and seems to be a hard slog. I only wish I noticed your questions a while ago when you were writing. It's good to speak to someone on here who has gone through a process I want to go through soon. Good luck with it.
funkyrobot said:
Thanks for the info Andy.
I have started the note process and have some ideas about stories I would like to write. At the moment, they are only a few paragraphs, but it's a start.
The problem I seem to find is I write something, then I'm not happy with it and I write it again. This causes issues as I never seem to get further than a few paragraphs. I guess I need to do what you say and write it, but let it go (otherwise I will never get anywhere).
Another problem for me seems to be a worry that I won't be able to create good dialogue or good characters. However, after reading your comments it seems like these items appear as the story progresses.
With regards to planning, I'm all for this at the moment. I've found a few sources online that suggest taking a synopsis or brief description of the story and breaking this down further and further. If done correctly, you should end up with a plan, then chapter outlines with key events etc. Looks like you will do this for your second book. I know of some authors (Neal Asher) who just write and write without real planning. But, as you say, it's personal preference.
I guess you just need to crack on and write really.
As soon as I have read your book I'll try to give you some constructive feedback. As of yet, I haven't written anything bigger than dissertations of 23 thousand words, but I do enjoy writing and have a very vivid imagination! So, the feedback will be from the point of view of a reader with a hunger to write, not a seasoned author.
Oh yes, I've read the first few pages of your book. Initial thoughts are that the 'hang' at the beginning is great (a chap in his car who has just escaped something terrible). I'll let you know more as I read.
Finally, I'm so pleased that you made this thread and that you have managed to write a book. It doesn't look easy at all and seems to be a hard slog. I only wish I noticed your questions a while ago when you were writing. It's good to speak to someone on here who has gone through a process I want to go through soon. Good luck with it.
The more you stop and start, the harder it will be to find a rhythm. Once you have your chapter plans sorted, make sure you sit down and write 1000 words a day, and try to write it in one go. Review a chapter briefly when complete. You will probably find loads of stuff you want to change, and than that's fine, but get the bones down first and then flesh it out later.I have started the note process and have some ideas about stories I would like to write. At the moment, they are only a few paragraphs, but it's a start.
The problem I seem to find is I write something, then I'm not happy with it and I write it again. This causes issues as I never seem to get further than a few paragraphs. I guess I need to do what you say and write it, but let it go (otherwise I will never get anywhere).
Another problem for me seems to be a worry that I won't be able to create good dialogue or good characters. However, after reading your comments it seems like these items appear as the story progresses.
With regards to planning, I'm all for this at the moment. I've found a few sources online that suggest taking a synopsis or brief description of the story and breaking this down further and further. If done correctly, you should end up with a plan, then chapter outlines with key events etc. Looks like you will do this for your second book. I know of some authors (Neal Asher) who just write and write without real planning. But, as you say, it's personal preference.
I guess you just need to crack on and write really.
As soon as I have read your book I'll try to give you some constructive feedback. As of yet, I haven't written anything bigger than dissertations of 23 thousand words, but I do enjoy writing and have a very vivid imagination! So, the feedback will be from the point of view of a reader with a hunger to write, not a seasoned author.
Oh yes, I've read the first few pages of your book. Initial thoughts are that the 'hang' at the beginning is great (a chap in his car who has just escaped something terrible). I'll let you know more as I read.
Finally, I'm so pleased that you made this thread and that you have managed to write a book. It doesn't look easy at all and seems to be a hard slog. I only wish I noticed your questions a while ago when you were writing. It's good to speak to someone on here who has gone through a process I want to go through soon. Good luck with it.
You might also find character planning helpful. Write down bios of your characters, what they like, what they dont, who they are. Do it in their persona, use their language. Discover who they are by putting them down on paper.
I find planning much more helpful because it puts my mind at ease to write the detail without needing to think to hard about where im going with it. like you say, it works for some people and not others. Depends on what youre writing really.
Any feedback is very welcome! Good luck with your own project!
FunkyNige said:
Downloaded and read the first chapter
I did notice that the chapter marks aren't coming up on the bottom bar of my Kindle like they normally do, I'm not massively bothered by them not being there but it is nice for the "I'll just finish this chapter" moments!
I'll look into that, thanks for letting me know.I did notice that the chapter marks aren't coming up on the bottom bar of my Kindle like they normally do, I'm not massively bothered by them not being there but it is nice for the "I'll just finish this chapter" moments!
Hi Andy. 
I'm about 72% through the book according to my Kindle reader. So, I thought I'd give you some feedback from the perspective of a keen reader/budding author.
The story is good. I like the concept and like the little twist just before the half way mark. I wasn't expecting the characters to be in the locations they are found in. I cannot say any more though for fear of giving away spoilers, unless it’s on a PM.
Your writing is also good, but I have a bit of constructive criticism to give to you. As mentioned above, this is only from my humble perspective as I haven't written or edited a book yet. So please let me know if I sound like a plonker.
First point is that sometimes the scenes seem to be over written, i.e. there seems to be more telling than showing and extra text included that could be edited out. This is quite evident at the beginning of the book and initially interrupts the flow of the story. I have noticed that as the book progresses though, the writing becomes more fluid and the text seems a lot leaner.
For example, the opening paragraph says:
‘The windscreen wipers flashed backwards and forwards furiously, fighting to shift the sudden, driving rain from the glass to clear a view of the dark road ahead. The rain tore down from a sky so black that it looked invisible, the light pollution of the city that would smear an orange, sticky coat on the undersides of the rain-plumped clouds long passed as Alex Latham tore his way deep into the countryside, his headlamps feeling their way along the pitted tarmac.’
After the first sentence, you don’t really need to say ‘the rain tore down’ as you have already mentioned the fact that it is ‘driving rain’. I don’t understand the comment about the sky looking invisible and light pollution can’t really be described as a ‘sticky’ coat. Lit things glow; they don’t really have a sticky layer. You also mention the fact that the rain clouds have passed (even though it’s still raining). I think you could trim this paragraph down as the way it is written interrupts the flow of the story.
In chapter 1 (Kindle location 86, 2%), when referring to the portly man you state:
‘’Are you ok?’’ he said for the third time, although his meaning was more immediate than it had been the two times before.’
Could this be better written as something like below (i.e. we know there are two times before the third, we know he has asked twice before and you are telling us how he feels, rather than showing us).
‘Are you ok’ he asked again, sternly/sharply/aggressively.
Also, chapter 2. In the second paragraph, you describe the table in the room as a ‘smooth metal table’. Then in paragraph 9 (I think), you state the ‘slender metal table’. You have already stated that is it metal, no need to say it again as it clashes with your description of the ‘thick, metal door’.
Further to point one, there is also some dialogue that seems to sound like it is written, rather than sounding like it is said. For instance, the scene (Kindle location 3532, 69%, chapter 30) where the chaps are back in the big corridor place (being careful about spoilers here). The dialogue is this:
'I'll do my best. You can count on that. Besides, my heart is currently pumping a huge dose of adrenaline through my body, so the pain is pretty minimal. I think I'll be alright, but don't let me slow you down.'
Now, in this scene the chaps are scared and about to make a run for it. It’s a tense fight or flight situation. Therefore, would Alex have the calm, controlled frame of mind and the time to say the above? I thought that something like this would be more realistic:
‘I’ll do my best. The adrenaline is really pumping, so I should be ok.’
The above is also followed by:
‘Ok, then. Let’s go quickly, but quietly. We’re quite a way down, but this is the first passage along from the central lift shaft, so we shouldn't have too much trouble getting up to the top level if it’s clear between here and the lift. Let’s just hope that everything is ok when we get up there.’
Again, a fight and flight situation. To me, it sounds like the character has too much time and the wrong frame of mind to say the above in that situation. It’s as if Michael is giving Alex a brief overview of the layout of the place too. I think the following could be better:
‘Ok then, but we need to get the lift to the top level. So let’s go quickly and quietly. Hopefully the way is clear.’ (Michael could explain to Alex why they need to change levels another time.)
From what I have read about writing, sometimes dialogue needs to be said aloud to see if it works ok. Doing this can help, if of course you don’t do this already.
Secondly, sometimes the characters don’t really act in a believable fashion. Classic point is a meeting between some of the main people (chapter 26). The circumstances of this are evident to anyone who has read the story. However, in my opinion, one of them seems a bit too trusting. I thought that maybe this person would need a lot more convincing. However, they mull it over for a bit and carry on. It’s such a big culture shock and the character in question seems to take it a bit too easily.
Within this chapter you also have the following line (Kindle location 2994, 59%):
‘xxxx chuckled. ‘I have to say, you’re taking all this rather well!’
I’m not sure that chuckling is a good word here. This makes it sound like two people who are comfortable with each other having a laugh. This situation would probably be better if the laughs were of a nervous nature. I know we have a bit of déjà vu here, but again, the character that is on the receiving end of the chuckle wouldn’t be so happy and relaxed? Let’s not forget that their world has just been turned upside down.
Finally, I have a question about the concept of some of the people in the story. I’ll pop this in spoiler tags so that it won’t ruin the storyline for anyone.
My brain is a bit fuzzy about this part of the story as I read it before being ill over the weekend. However, at one point, Alex sees the dead body of his wife in the back of a van (chapter 11). Was this a dream?
Why are the chaps going around in NBC (?) suits collecting bodies in the Ark server? Is this something I need to finish the book to understand?
Also, who is the person who was on the end of the radio (Kindle location 1242, 24%, chapter 13)? Again, is this something I am yet to learn in the last third of the book?
That’s it for now. I should be finishing the book over the next few days.
As mentioned above, these are just the mutterings of someone who likes to read a lot. I may be miles off the mark with my comments, but thought I would share them with you anyway. It’s a good story and I’m looking forward to the ending. Well done!
I'm about 72% through the book according to my Kindle reader. So, I thought I'd give you some feedback from the perspective of a keen reader/budding author.
The story is good. I like the concept and like the little twist just before the half way mark. I wasn't expecting the characters to be in the locations they are found in. I cannot say any more though for fear of giving away spoilers, unless it’s on a PM.
Your writing is also good, but I have a bit of constructive criticism to give to you. As mentioned above, this is only from my humble perspective as I haven't written or edited a book yet. So please let me know if I sound like a plonker.
First point is that sometimes the scenes seem to be over written, i.e. there seems to be more telling than showing and extra text included that could be edited out. This is quite evident at the beginning of the book and initially interrupts the flow of the story. I have noticed that as the book progresses though, the writing becomes more fluid and the text seems a lot leaner.
For example, the opening paragraph says:
‘The windscreen wipers flashed backwards and forwards furiously, fighting to shift the sudden, driving rain from the glass to clear a view of the dark road ahead. The rain tore down from a sky so black that it looked invisible, the light pollution of the city that would smear an orange, sticky coat on the undersides of the rain-plumped clouds long passed as Alex Latham tore his way deep into the countryside, his headlamps feeling their way along the pitted tarmac.’
After the first sentence, you don’t really need to say ‘the rain tore down’ as you have already mentioned the fact that it is ‘driving rain’. I don’t understand the comment about the sky looking invisible and light pollution can’t really be described as a ‘sticky’ coat. Lit things glow; they don’t really have a sticky layer. You also mention the fact that the rain clouds have passed (even though it’s still raining). I think you could trim this paragraph down as the way it is written interrupts the flow of the story.
In chapter 1 (Kindle location 86, 2%), when referring to the portly man you state:
‘’Are you ok?’’ he said for the third time, although his meaning was more immediate than it had been the two times before.’
Could this be better written as something like below (i.e. we know there are two times before the third, we know he has asked twice before and you are telling us how he feels, rather than showing us).
‘Are you ok’ he asked again, sternly/sharply/aggressively.
Also, chapter 2. In the second paragraph, you describe the table in the room as a ‘smooth metal table’. Then in paragraph 9 (I think), you state the ‘slender metal table’. You have already stated that is it metal, no need to say it again as it clashes with your description of the ‘thick, metal door’.
Further to point one, there is also some dialogue that seems to sound like it is written, rather than sounding like it is said. For instance, the scene (Kindle location 3532, 69%, chapter 30) where the chaps are back in the big corridor place (being careful about spoilers here). The dialogue is this:
'I'll do my best. You can count on that. Besides, my heart is currently pumping a huge dose of adrenaline through my body, so the pain is pretty minimal. I think I'll be alright, but don't let me slow you down.'
Now, in this scene the chaps are scared and about to make a run for it. It’s a tense fight or flight situation. Therefore, would Alex have the calm, controlled frame of mind and the time to say the above? I thought that something like this would be more realistic:
‘I’ll do my best. The adrenaline is really pumping, so I should be ok.’
The above is also followed by:
‘Ok, then. Let’s go quickly, but quietly. We’re quite a way down, but this is the first passage along from the central lift shaft, so we shouldn't have too much trouble getting up to the top level if it’s clear between here and the lift. Let’s just hope that everything is ok when we get up there.’
Again, a fight and flight situation. To me, it sounds like the character has too much time and the wrong frame of mind to say the above in that situation. It’s as if Michael is giving Alex a brief overview of the layout of the place too. I think the following could be better:
‘Ok then, but we need to get the lift to the top level. So let’s go quickly and quietly. Hopefully the way is clear.’ (Michael could explain to Alex why they need to change levels another time.)
From what I have read about writing, sometimes dialogue needs to be said aloud to see if it works ok. Doing this can help, if of course you don’t do this already.
Secondly, sometimes the characters don’t really act in a believable fashion. Classic point is a meeting between some of the main people (chapter 26). The circumstances of this are evident to anyone who has read the story. However, in my opinion, one of them seems a bit too trusting. I thought that maybe this person would need a lot more convincing. However, they mull it over for a bit and carry on. It’s such a big culture shock and the character in question seems to take it a bit too easily.
Within this chapter you also have the following line (Kindle location 2994, 59%):
‘xxxx chuckled. ‘I have to say, you’re taking all this rather well!’
I’m not sure that chuckling is a good word here. This makes it sound like two people who are comfortable with each other having a laugh. This situation would probably be better if the laughs were of a nervous nature. I know we have a bit of déjà vu here, but again, the character that is on the receiving end of the chuckle wouldn’t be so happy and relaxed? Let’s not forget that their world has just been turned upside down.
Finally, I have a question about the concept of some of the people in the story. I’ll pop this in spoiler tags so that it won’t ruin the storyline for anyone.
My brain is a bit fuzzy about this part of the story as I read it before being ill over the weekend. However, at one point, Alex sees the dead body of his wife in the back of a van (chapter 11). Was this a dream?
Why are the chaps going around in NBC (?) suits collecting bodies in the Ark server? Is this something I need to finish the book to understand?
Also, who is the person who was on the end of the radio (Kindle location 1242, 24%, chapter 13)? Again, is this something I am yet to learn in the last third of the book?
That’s it for now. I should be finishing the book over the next few days.
As mentioned above, these are just the mutterings of someone who likes to read a lot. I may be miles off the mark with my comments, but thought I would share them with you anyway. It’s a good story and I’m looking forward to the ending. Well done!
Edited by funkyrobot on Thursday 31st January 12:32
funkyrobot said:
Hi Andy.
I'm about 72% through the book according to my Kindle reader. So, I thought I'd give you some feedback from the perspective of a keen reader/budding author.
The story is good. I like the concept and like the little twist just before the half way mark. I wasn't expecting the characters to be in the locations they are found in. I cannot say any more though for fear of giving away spoilers, unless it’s on a PM.
Your writing is also good, but I have a bit of constructive criticism to give to you. As mentioned above, this is only from my humble perspective as I haven't written or edited a book yet. So please let me know if I sound like a plonker.
First point is that sometimes the scenes seem to be over written, i.e. there seems to be more telling than showing and extra text included that could be edited out. This is quite evident at the beginning of the book and initially interrupts the flow of the story. I have noticed that as the book progresses though, the writing becomes more fluid and the text seems a lot leaner.
For example, the opening paragraph says:
‘The windscreen wipers flashed backwards and forwards furiously, fighting to shift the sudden, driving rain from the glass to clear a view of the dark road ahead. The rain tore down from a sky so black that it looked invisible, the light pollution of the city that would smear an orange, sticky coat on the undersides of the rain-plumped clouds long passed as Alex Latham tore his way deep into the countryside, his headlamps feeling their way along the pitted tarmac.’
After the first sentence, you don’t really need to say ‘the rain tore down’ as you have already mentioned the fact that it is ‘driving rain’. I don’t understand the comment about the sky looking invisible and light pollution can’t really be described as a ‘sticky’ coat. Lit things glow; they don’t really have a sticky layer. You also mention the fact that the rain clouds have passed (even though it’s still raining). I think you could trim this paragraph down as the way it is written interrupts the flow of the story.
In chapter 1 (Kindle location 86, 2%), when referring to the portly man you state:
‘’Are you ok?’’ he said for the third time, although his meaning was more immediate than it had been the two times before.’
Could this be better written as something like below (i.e. we know there are two times before the third, we know he has asked twice before and you are telling us how he feels, rather than showing us).
‘Are you ok’ he asked again, sternly/sharply/aggressively.
Also, chapter 2. In the second paragraph, you describe the table in the room as a ‘smooth metal table’. Then in paragraph 9 (I think), you state the ‘slender metal table’. You have already stated that is it metal, no need to say it again as it clashes with your description of the ‘thick, metal door’.
Yeah, there is definitely room for more trimming here. Although I like more descriptive than most (Fahrenheit 451 is a good example) my writing could be toned done slightly in places!I'm about 72% through the book according to my Kindle reader. So, I thought I'd give you some feedback from the perspective of a keen reader/budding author.
The story is good. I like the concept and like the little twist just before the half way mark. I wasn't expecting the characters to be in the locations they are found in. I cannot say any more though for fear of giving away spoilers, unless it’s on a PM.
Your writing is also good, but I have a bit of constructive criticism to give to you. As mentioned above, this is only from my humble perspective as I haven't written or edited a book yet. So please let me know if I sound like a plonker.
First point is that sometimes the scenes seem to be over written, i.e. there seems to be more telling than showing and extra text included that could be edited out. This is quite evident at the beginning of the book and initially interrupts the flow of the story. I have noticed that as the book progresses though, the writing becomes more fluid and the text seems a lot leaner.
For example, the opening paragraph says:
‘The windscreen wipers flashed backwards and forwards furiously, fighting to shift the sudden, driving rain from the glass to clear a view of the dark road ahead. The rain tore down from a sky so black that it looked invisible, the light pollution of the city that would smear an orange, sticky coat on the undersides of the rain-plumped clouds long passed as Alex Latham tore his way deep into the countryside, his headlamps feeling their way along the pitted tarmac.’
After the first sentence, you don’t really need to say ‘the rain tore down’ as you have already mentioned the fact that it is ‘driving rain’. I don’t understand the comment about the sky looking invisible and light pollution can’t really be described as a ‘sticky’ coat. Lit things glow; they don’t really have a sticky layer. You also mention the fact that the rain clouds have passed (even though it’s still raining). I think you could trim this paragraph down as the way it is written interrupts the flow of the story.
In chapter 1 (Kindle location 86, 2%), when referring to the portly man you state:
‘’Are you ok?’’ he said for the third time, although his meaning was more immediate than it had been the two times before.’
Could this be better written as something like below (i.e. we know there are two times before the third, we know he has asked twice before and you are telling us how he feels, rather than showing us).
‘Are you ok’ he asked again, sternly/sharply/aggressively.
Also, chapter 2. In the second paragraph, you describe the table in the room as a ‘smooth metal table’. Then in paragraph 9 (I think), you state the ‘slender metal table’. You have already stated that is it metal, no need to say it again as it clashes with your description of the ‘thick, metal door’.
funkyrobot said:
Further to point one, there is also some dialogue that seems to sound like it is written, rather than sounding like it is said. For instance, the scene (Kindle location 3532, 69%, chapter 30) where the chaps are back in the big corridor place (being careful about spoilers here). The dialogue is this:
'I'll do my best. You can count on that. Besides, my heart is currently pumping a huge dose of adrenaline through my body, so the pain is pretty minimal. I think I'll be alright, but don't let me slow you down.'
Now, in this scene the chaps are scared and about to make a run for it. It’s a tense fight or flight situation. Therefore, would Alex have the calm, controlled frame of mind and the time to say the above? I thought that something like this would be more realistic:
‘I’ll do my best. The adrenaline is really pumping, so I should be ok.’
The above is also followed by:
‘Ok, then. Let’s go quickly, but quietly. We’re quite a way down, but this is the first passage along from the central lift shaft, so we shouldn't have too much trouble getting up to the top level if it’s clear between here and the lift. Let’s just hope that everything is ok when we get up there.’
Again, a fight and flight situation. To me, it sounds like the character has too much time and the wrong frame of mind to say the above in that situation. It’s as if Michael is giving Alex a brief overview of the layout of the place too. I think the following could be better:
‘Ok then, but we need to get the lift to the top level. So let’s go quickly and quietly. Hopefully the way is clear.’ (Michael could explain to Alex why they need to change levels another time.)
From what I have read about writing, sometimes dialogue needs to be said aloud to see if it works ok. Doing this can help, if of course you don’t do this already.
Again, agreed. Something I've become better at as I write'I'll do my best. You can count on that. Besides, my heart is currently pumping a huge dose of adrenaline through my body, so the pain is pretty minimal. I think I'll be alright, but don't let me slow you down.'
Now, in this scene the chaps are scared and about to make a run for it. It’s a tense fight or flight situation. Therefore, would Alex have the calm, controlled frame of mind and the time to say the above? I thought that something like this would be more realistic:
‘I’ll do my best. The adrenaline is really pumping, so I should be ok.’
The above is also followed by:
‘Ok, then. Let’s go quickly, but quietly. We’re quite a way down, but this is the first passage along from the central lift shaft, so we shouldn't have too much trouble getting up to the top level if it’s clear between here and the lift. Let’s just hope that everything is ok when we get up there.’
Again, a fight and flight situation. To me, it sounds like the character has too much time and the wrong frame of mind to say the above in that situation. It’s as if Michael is giving Alex a brief overview of the layout of the place too. I think the following could be better:
‘Ok then, but we need to get the lift to the top level. So let’s go quickly and quietly. Hopefully the way is clear.’ (Michael could explain to Alex why they need to change levels another time.)
From what I have read about writing, sometimes dialogue needs to be said aloud to see if it works ok. Doing this can help, if of course you don’t do this already.
funkyrobot said:
Secondly, sometimes the characters don’t really act in a believable fashion. Classic point is a meeting between some of the main people (chapter 26). The circumstances of this are evident to anyone who has read the story. However, in my opinion, one of them seems a bit too trusting. I thought that maybe this person would need a lot more convincing. However, they mull it over for a bit and carry on. It’s such a big culture shock and the character in question seems to take it a bit too easily.
Within this chapter you also have the following line (Kindle location 2994, 59%):
‘xxxx chuckled. ‘I have to say, you’re taking all this rather well!’
I’m not sure that chuckling is a good word here. This makes it sound like two people who are comfortable with each other having a laugh. This situation would probably be better if the laughs were of a nervous nature. I know we have a bit of déjà vu here, but again, the character that is on the receiving end of the chuckle wouldn’t be so happy and relaxed? Let’s not forget that their world has just been turned upside down.
the guy who has had a difficult time of it 'knows' the guy who meets him, so he is unnaturally at ease. probably should have been a nervous chuckle!Within this chapter you also have the following line (Kindle location 2994, 59%):
‘xxxx chuckled. ‘I have to say, you’re taking all this rather well!’
I’m not sure that chuckling is a good word here. This makes it sound like two people who are comfortable with each other having a laugh. This situation would probably be better if the laughs were of a nervous nature. I know we have a bit of déjà vu here, but again, the character that is on the receiving end of the chuckle wouldn’t be so happy and relaxed? Let’s not forget that their world has just been turned upside down.
funkyrobot said:
Finally, I have a question about the concept of some of the people in the story. I’ll pop this in spoiler tags so that it won’t ruin the storyline for anyone.
My brain is a bit fuzzy about this part of the story as I read it before being ill over the weekend. However, at one point, Alex sees the dead body of his wife in the back of a van (chapter 11). Was this a dream?
Why are the chaps going around in NBC (?) suits collecting bodies in the Ark server? Is this something I need to finish the book to understand?
Also, who is the person who was on the end of the radio (Kindle location 1242, 24%, chapter 13)? Again, is this something I am yet to learn in the last third of the book?
yes, that part is a dream.My brain is a bit fuzzy about this part of the story as I read it before being ill over the weekend. However, at one point, Alex sees the dead body of his wife in the back of a van (chapter 11). Was this a dream?
Why are the chaps going around in NBC (?) suits collecting bodies in the Ark server? Is this something I need to finish the book to understand?
Also, who is the person who was on the end of the radio (Kindle location 1242, 24%, chapter 13)? Again, is this something I am yet to learn in the last third of the book?
if i remember correctly, you find out later who they are and what theyre doing
he was one of the last. Alex is the last.
funkyrobot said:
That’s it for now. I should be finishing the book over the next few days.
As mentioned above, these are just the mutterings of someone who likes to read a lot. I may be miles off the mark with my comments, but thought I would share them with you anyway. It’s a good story and I’m looking forward to the ending. Well done!
Edited by funkyrobot on Thursday 31st January 12:32
Andrew
funkyrobot said:
Yes, I would.
Finished it last night. Good effort.
Thank you very much.Finished it last night. Good effort.
Laaaaaast question - what book would mine be comparable to in terms of writing quality and enjoyment factor?
I'd also be very grateful if you could stick a review up on Amazon too if you don't mind :-)
Let me know when you have something and I'll happily return the favour
andyroo said:
Thank you very much.
Laaaaaast question - what book would mine be comparable to in terms of writing quality and enjoyment factor?
I'd also be very grateful if you could stick a review up on Amazon too if you don't mind :-)
Let me know when you have something and I'll happily return the favour
No worries.Laaaaaast question - what book would mine be comparable to in terms of writing quality and enjoyment factor?
I'd also be very grateful if you could stick a review up on Amazon too if you don't mind :-)
Let me know when you have something and I'll happily return the favour
It's difficult to compare your writing quality and style to anything else I have read as I haven't experienced a book like yours before. I have read other people's first attempts and they have been quite disappointing, despite getting huge praise. These have been full-blown published books too.
I'm not saying that your book was disappointing at all!
The feel your book gave me was similar to the following one:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eve-Empyrean-Gollancz-Tony...
I found it similar because, just like your book, the characters needed a little more work and some scenes didn't read so smoothly. However, I found the story interesting.
Anyhow, I've reviewed the book on Amazon and have only hinted at a few of the things I have mentioned to you previously. I didn't feel the need to go into detail about some of the criticism as we have already discussed that. Also, I admire anyone who can actually write a bloomin book.
Hopefully, the review should appear within 48 hours. We'll see if people agree with my comments.
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