What has your "friend" been up to?
Discussion
notslopes said:
My friend had a friend who was renowned for being quite the large chap and one night, this fellow was trying to entertain a young lady.
He described it to my friend like this
Christ she was tight, then it stung quite a bit but got much easier, so off i went. When we finished, decided i needed a leak, went to the loo and didnt think to turn the bathroom light on but thought....ouch, that's really sore. So i turned the light on only to find the bowl full of claret.
Turns out that he tore a hole in his foreskin and asked my friend what he should do. My friend suggested bathing it in salt water but only put in a pinch.Daft bugger put half a table salt in water and dropped his chap into it. This fellow's older brother told my friend the scream was epic and my friend being a proper friend to this fellow, took the michael big time
Brilliant He described it to my friend like this
Christ she was tight, then it stung quite a bit but got much easier, so off i went. When we finished, decided i needed a leak, went to the loo and didnt think to turn the bathroom light on but thought....ouch, that's really sore. So i turned the light on only to find the bowl full of claret.
Turns out that he tore a hole in his foreskin and asked my friend what he should do. My friend suggested bathing it in salt water but only put in a pinch.Daft bugger put half a table salt in water and dropped his chap into it. This fellow's older brother told my friend the scream was epic and my friend being a proper friend to this fellow, took the michael big time
bigyorkshire said:
notslopes said:
My friend had a friend who was renowned for being quite the large chap and one night, this fellow was trying to entertain a young lady.
He described it to my friend like this
Christ she was tight, then it stung quite a bit but got much easier, so off i went. When we finished, decided i needed a leak, went to the loo and didnt think to turn the bathroom light on but thought....ouch, that's really sore. So i turned the light on only to find the bowl full of claret.
Turns out that he tore a hole in his foreskin and asked my friend what he should do. My friend suggested bathing it in salt water but only put in a pinch.Daft bugger put half a table salt in water and dropped his chap into it. This fellow's older brother told my friend the scream was epic and my friend being a proper friend to this fellow, took the michael big time
Brilliant He described it to my friend like this
Christ she was tight, then it stung quite a bit but got much easier, so off i went. When we finished, decided i needed a leak, went to the loo and didnt think to turn the bathroom light on but thought....ouch, that's really sore. So i turned the light on only to find the bowl full of claret.
Turns out that he tore a hole in his foreskin and asked my friend what he should do. My friend suggested bathing it in salt water but only put in a pinch.Daft bugger put half a table salt in water and dropped his chap into it. This fellow's older brother told my friend the scream was epic and my friend being a proper friend to this fellow, took the michael big time
Fortunately no salt water was used. My friends wife still reminds him of the incident when the bed is changed as the bloodstain is still visible on the mattress.
matchmaker said:
My friend was enthusiastically servicing his wife one night when he noticed that the sheet was rather wet. As he hadn't yet reached the vinegar stroke, he decided that something wasn't right. On examination he discovered that he had torn his foreskin and that blood was pissing everywhere.
Fortunately no salt water was used. My friends wife still reminds him of the incident when the bed is changed as the bloodstain is still visible on the mattress.
My friend refers back to his earlier blonde, filthy colleague. A similar issue occured except the claret was hers, and the bed was her parent's who were on holiday Fortunately no salt water was used. My friends wife still reminds him of the incident when the bed is changed as the bloodstain is still visible on the mattress.
Whilst ugandan discussions were being held in my friend's car in a National Trust Park at night, he and his work-based entaglement were disturbed by the headlights on what turned out to be a police car. An attractive and what turned out to be female officer waited at a respectable distance from the steamed up car, and once the window was wound down she remarked that they were investigating as there were a lot of suicides in this area, thus killing the atmosphere somewhat. My friend's entanglement replied " Did it look or sound like we were committing f
kin' suicide?" and we were both asked to leave the area very promptly.
Discussions continued somewhere else not too far away and the female officer was very much in my friend's mind at the most critical part of that discussion.
kin' suicide?" and we were both asked to leave the area very promptly.Discussions continued somewhere else not too far away and the female officer was very much in my friend's mind at the most critical part of that discussion.
talksthetorque said:
Whilst ugandan discussions were being held in my friend's car in a National Trust Park at night, he and his work-based entaglement were disturbed by the headlights on what turned out to be a police car. An attractive and what turned out to be female officer waited at a respectable distance from the steamed up car, and once the window was wound down she remarked that they were investigating as there were a lot of suicides in this area, thus killing the atmosphere somewhat. My friend's entanglement replied " Did it look or sound like we were committing fkin' suicide?" and we were both asked to leave the area very promptly.
Discussions continued somewhere else not too far away and the female officer was very much in my friend's mind at the most critical part of that discussion.
Should have invited the officer to partake. Safeguarding and all that kin' suicide?" and we were both asked to leave the area very promptly.Discussions continued somewhere else not too far away and the female officer was very much in my friend's mind at the most critical part of that discussion.
P5BNij said:
My friend's second P5B Coupe which had been restored by the previous owner came with a stiletto sized hole in the headlining, my friend decided to leave it be and not restore the headlining. My friend can report that the rear bucket seats are fine for general canoodling purposes but not quite so good for the purposes of ugandan research.
My friend remembers enjoying driving his father's 2000TC (5* petrol!) in his youth. In particular the convenience of the seat reclining mechanism, especially that on the passenger side. . Fine cars, Rovers.
My friend flashed his headlights at a Toyota CHR which pulled out right in front of him this morning. He soon became unirritated though when he realised it is impossible to see out of the hateful things and said driver actually thanked my friend for his courtesy.
Edited by Justin Case on Friday 23 October 14:50
My friend established some years ago that the back seat of an Austin Montego was the perfect location for Ugandan Negotiations, being 5 foot 7 it appeared that a satisfactory horizontal position could be achieved with the legs bent 90 degrees at the knees for bracing against the door card but still leave adequate headroom at the opposite door.
Sadly there was no quick release mechanism for the front seats so if the negotiations were to take place there a tedious workout using the knurled plastic backrest adjuster knob was required.
My friend tells me the negotiations almost always reached a satisfactory outcome, the sole exception being the appearance at the window of an inquisitive face which somewhat disturbed the flow.
My friend also owned an early 80s Toyota Corolla 5 door in which the rear seats were almost always laid flat in case an urgent set of negotiations was required at short notice....
Sadly there was no quick release mechanism for the front seats so if the negotiations were to take place there a tedious workout using the knurled plastic backrest adjuster knob was required.
My friend tells me the negotiations almost always reached a satisfactory outcome, the sole exception being the appearance at the window of an inquisitive face which somewhat disturbed the flow.
My friend also owned an early 80s Toyota Corolla 5 door in which the rear seats were almost always laid flat in case an urgent set of negotiations was required at short notice....
A friend of mine, whilst also partaking in the aforementioned ugandan negotiations with a young lady in the back of his classic Volkswagen Beetle, decided more room was required and pushed the drivers seat forward. Said front seat then popped off it's runners and no amount of persuasion would get it back on. Friend was forced to make an uneasy phone call and have his car recovered...
A friend of mine (genuinely) had a white XR3i convertible with white interior (you can see where this is going, can't you? ) and was enthusiastically engaging in Ugandan negotiations with his latest pull. Apparently things were taking while, mostly because of a couple of shandies and an over lubrication issue. It being dark, my friend didn't think to investigate said issue until he decided to err, shall we say, explore with his taste buds. An odd taste apparently, interior light, white leather more red and pink, and the headlining, and the dash, carpets, mats...
My friend being somewhat car proud back in the day (no accounting for taste in cars though) opened the door and promptly emptied his stomach. Followed by a very awkward drive back home. He said the clean up the following day was difficult to stomach. He kept having flashbacks apparently which made him heave, which gave him flashbacks, which...you get the idea.
) and was enthusiastically engaging in Ugandan negotiations with his latest pull. Apparently things were taking while, mostly because of a couple of shandies and an over lubrication issue. It being dark, my friend didn't think to investigate said issue until he decided to err, shall we say, explore with his taste buds. An odd taste apparently, interior light, white leather more red and pink, and the headlining, and the dash, carpets, mats...My friend being somewhat car proud back in the day (no accounting for taste in cars though) opened the door and promptly emptied his stomach. Followed by a very awkward drive back home. He said the clean up the following day was difficult to stomach. He kept having flashbacks apparently which made him heave, which gave him flashbacks, which...you get the idea.
Tyre Smoke said:
A friend of mine (genuinely) had a white XR3i convertible with white interior (you can see where this is going, can't you? ) and was enthusiastically engaging in Ugandan negotiations with his latest pull. Apparently things were taking while, mostly because of a couple of shandies and an over lubrication issue. It being dark, my friend didn't think to investigate said issue until he decided to err, shall we say, explore with his taste buds. An odd taste apparently, interior light, white leather more red and pink, and the headlining, and the dash, carpets, mats...
My friend being somewhat car proud back in the day (no accounting for taste in cars though) opened the door and promptly emptied his stomach. Followed by a very awkward drive back home. He said the clean up the following day was difficult to stomach. He kept having flashbacks apparently which made him heave, which gave him flashbacks, which...you get the idea.
My friend needs to stop laughing so hard. SWMBO is starting to enquire as to what’s so funny... ) and was enthusiastically engaging in Ugandan negotiations with his latest pull. Apparently things were taking while, mostly because of a couple of shandies and an over lubrication issue. It being dark, my friend didn't think to investigate said issue until he decided to err, shall we say, explore with his taste buds. An odd taste apparently, interior light, white leather more red and pink, and the headlining, and the dash, carpets, mats...My friend being somewhat car proud back in the day (no accounting for taste in cars though) opened the door and promptly emptied his stomach. Followed by a very awkward drive back home. He said the clean up the following day was difficult to stomach. He kept having flashbacks apparently which made him heave, which gave him flashbacks, which...you get the idea.
talksthetorque said:
citizensm1th said:
Reading this thread has driven my friend to the conclusion that young men should strive to own ex wedding limos to enable Ugandan negotiations to be conducted in comfort
My friend thinks a wedding vehicle could be sending out the wrong signals to the wrong ladies.Gassing Station | General Gassing | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff