Make up your own special editions
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Volvo V70 GP Edition
It comes in a Smug Navy Blue as standard with a chrome grill so passersby can clearly see that it is superior to plain V70s;
Despite costing huge sums every month the subscriber will only be allowed to drive the V70 after following a long and convoluted booking process precisely. Deviation from the process (call only between 830 am and 10 am to book, booking is on a first come first served basis, and unless the need is an emergency a booking slot two weeks in advance is usually required. The booking receptionist at Volvo will know nothing of your problem and have no training in car booking or life but she will decide whether this is an emergency) is frowned upon;
When trying to book the V70 GP Special Edition (or GP as subscribers call it) most subscribers will discover the phone permanently engaged. If by some mistake the phone is answered the booking receptionist will also attempt to be as rude and condescending as possible and whenever there is an opportunity try to pick a fight with you or respond to any question with an accusation that you are somehow trying to disadvantage other Volvo v70 GP Special Edition Subscribers (always called Subscribers, never drivers or owners). If she thinks anyone is listenning the receptionist will raise her voice to repeat the accusation;
Any subscriber must be aware that the GP can only be used during normal office hours when the subscriber would otherwise be at work. The GP can NEVER be used out of office hours or at weekends;
If the subscriber finds themselves in the unfortunate position that they need the GP urgently out of office hours or at a weekend then they will need to arrange to use an Out of Hours GP. This will not be the GP registered to the Subscriber, the recorded settings for the subscriber will be missing, and the Out of Hours GP will be located miles away, usually in a difficult to get to location;
If the Subscriber is able to arrange to use the GP during normal hours it will, despite one GP being registered to the Subscriber, never get to use the same GP twice. Any information (eg seating position / radio settings etc...) will need to be re-programmed each time, taking up at least half of the Subscribers allotted time with the GP;
When using the GP the Subscriber must always arrive before the allotted appointment time. The GP will remain locked until the later of 20 minutes after the allotted time, or 10 minutes after any other appointment the Subscriber was naive enough to arrange on the same day has started;
The door handles on a GP will feel limp;
The Sat Nav of the GP will not listen to anything you tell it. It will go off on a route of its own and is unlikely to take you to a destination;
The GP may occasionally tell you the fault code. It will not fix it, and Volvo will not provide any parts until you can demonstrate the GP will die unless the parts are provided. Under performance of the GP is not sufficient. If you research the fault code and ask Volvo any questions about the fault code the fault code will immediately change and Volvo will deny the first fault code ever appeared. Volvo must always appear superior and will not tolerate non-qualified technicians asking about its fault codes or understanding what those may mean, as that could stop Volvo feeling superior;
As Subscribers will so rarely get to see the GP, and Volvo will refuse to allow any specialists to look at or fix the fault codes Subscribers will eventually give up trying to drive the GP. They will invariably pay to use a BMW BUPA but will still have to pay the monthly subscription to Volvo for the GP. Volvo like this as it means less expense running the GP (they are supposed to pay to maintain the GP) and more profit for Volvo;
Volvo are currently petitioning the government to ensure that everyone subscribes to register for a GP. Volvo will limit the supply of GPs to ensure prices are maintained and profits for Volvo maintained. Despite this Volvo employs a team of people to attend regular radio and TV interviews and to attend parties. This crack team of representatives will explain to everyone that Volvo sells the GP too cheaply and that subscribers are lucky that Volvo provides these.
It comes in a Smug Navy Blue as standard with a chrome grill so passersby can clearly see that it is superior to plain V70s;
Despite costing huge sums every month the subscriber will only be allowed to drive the V70 after following a long and convoluted booking process precisely. Deviation from the process (call only between 830 am and 10 am to book, booking is on a first come first served basis, and unless the need is an emergency a booking slot two weeks in advance is usually required. The booking receptionist at Volvo will know nothing of your problem and have no training in car booking or life but she will decide whether this is an emergency) is frowned upon;
When trying to book the V70 GP Special Edition (or GP as subscribers call it) most subscribers will discover the phone permanently engaged. If by some mistake the phone is answered the booking receptionist will also attempt to be as rude and condescending as possible and whenever there is an opportunity try to pick a fight with you or respond to any question with an accusation that you are somehow trying to disadvantage other Volvo v70 GP Special Edition Subscribers (always called Subscribers, never drivers or owners). If she thinks anyone is listenning the receptionist will raise her voice to repeat the accusation;
Any subscriber must be aware that the GP can only be used during normal office hours when the subscriber would otherwise be at work. The GP can NEVER be used out of office hours or at weekends;
If the subscriber finds themselves in the unfortunate position that they need the GP urgently out of office hours or at a weekend then they will need to arrange to use an Out of Hours GP. This will not be the GP registered to the Subscriber, the recorded settings for the subscriber will be missing, and the Out of Hours GP will be located miles away, usually in a difficult to get to location;
If the Subscriber is able to arrange to use the GP during normal hours it will, despite one GP being registered to the Subscriber, never get to use the same GP twice. Any information (eg seating position / radio settings etc...) will need to be re-programmed each time, taking up at least half of the Subscribers allotted time with the GP;
When using the GP the Subscriber must always arrive before the allotted appointment time. The GP will remain locked until the later of 20 minutes after the allotted time, or 10 minutes after any other appointment the Subscriber was naive enough to arrange on the same day has started;
The door handles on a GP will feel limp;
The Sat Nav of the GP will not listen to anything you tell it. It will go off on a route of its own and is unlikely to take you to a destination;
The GP may occasionally tell you the fault code. It will not fix it, and Volvo will not provide any parts until you can demonstrate the GP will die unless the parts are provided. Under performance of the GP is not sufficient. If you research the fault code and ask Volvo any questions about the fault code the fault code will immediately change and Volvo will deny the first fault code ever appeared. Volvo must always appear superior and will not tolerate non-qualified technicians asking about its fault codes or understanding what those may mean, as that could stop Volvo feeling superior;
As Subscribers will so rarely get to see the GP, and Volvo will refuse to allow any specialists to look at or fix the fault codes Subscribers will eventually give up trying to drive the GP. They will invariably pay to use a BMW BUPA but will still have to pay the monthly subscription to Volvo for the GP. Volvo like this as it means less expense running the GP (they are supposed to pay to maintain the GP) and more profit for Volvo;
Volvo are currently petitioning the government to ensure that everyone subscribes to register for a GP. Volvo will limit the supply of GPs to ensure prices are maintained and profits for Volvo maintained. Despite this Volvo employs a team of people to attend regular radio and TV interviews and to attend parties. This crack team of representatives will explain to everyone that Volvo sells the GP too cheaply and that subscribers are lucky that Volvo provides these.
Dave Hedgehog said:
Urban Sports said:
Dave Hedgehog said:
The BMW Z4 "Tony and Guy" comes with M badged curlers and tongs
I have an M badged cap.
you own one, don't flatter yourself it wasn't directly aimed at just you.ETA: Don't be so precious, by being precious you are living up to the stereotype
Edited by Urban Sports on Friday 3rd February 21:54
Toyota Previa TLD (Terrible Lane Disipline)
Uses an advanced "lane departure system" to ensure that each and every inappropriate lane is chosen on entry, exit and during every roundabout. The Improved "Beeline" button enable the power steering system to automatically "dart" the car towards your chosen exit without the trouble of all that unecessary steering or indicating. Latest edition is fitted with the "Lucky dip" feature, which automatically choses a lane based on pure random selection.
Honda JAZZ "Roaring Forty"
Dull coloured JAZZ fitted with the smallest availible engine option which uses "auto limit detection" to ensure that it can never get to within 30mph of the actual posted limit, unless in a 30mph limit when it will just do 40mph anyway. Now includes additional "HEY!! FLASH YOU!!" feature than detects overtaking cars and repeatidly flashes them to let them know how incredible dangerous there driving is.
Nissan CashCow "thats my side of the road edition".
Fitted with advanced long range radar, enabling the car to flick on it's main beams when an oncoming vehicle is overtaking towards it. Special long range developments mean this system now works at up to 1km distance. Now comes with free "why turn have to steer when you can just straightline" country road assist feature, where car will just cut every corner, no matter how open or tight, running wide onto the wrong side of the road to save on all the unecessary tyre wear and effort. (of course this allows allows poor drivers to go much faster than they should without paying the slightest attention to the road in front of them)
Uses an advanced "lane departure system" to ensure that each and every inappropriate lane is chosen on entry, exit and during every roundabout. The Improved "Beeline" button enable the power steering system to automatically "dart" the car towards your chosen exit without the trouble of all that unecessary steering or indicating. Latest edition is fitted with the "Lucky dip" feature, which automatically choses a lane based on pure random selection.
Honda JAZZ "Roaring Forty"
Dull coloured JAZZ fitted with the smallest availible engine option which uses "auto limit detection" to ensure that it can never get to within 30mph of the actual posted limit, unless in a 30mph limit when it will just do 40mph anyway. Now includes additional "HEY!! FLASH YOU!!" feature than detects overtaking cars and repeatidly flashes them to let them know how incredible dangerous there driving is.
Nissan CashCow "thats my side of the road edition".
Fitted with advanced long range radar, enabling the car to flick on it's main beams when an oncoming vehicle is overtaking towards it. Special long range developments mean this system now works at up to 1km distance. Now comes with free "why turn have to steer when you can just straightline" country road assist feature, where car will just cut every corner, no matter how open or tight, running wide onto the wrong side of the road to save on all the unecessary tyre wear and effort. (of course this allows allows poor drivers to go much faster than they should without paying the slightest attention to the road in front of them)
Urban Sports said:
Dave Hedgehog said:
Urban Sports said:
Dave Hedgehog said:
The BMW Z4 "Tony and Guy" comes with M badged curlers and tongs
I have an M badged cap. you own one, don't flatter yourself it wasn't directly aimed at just you.ETA: Don't be so precious, by being precious you are living up to the stereotype
Edited by Urban Sports on Friday 3rd February 21:54
Dave Hedgehog said:
Urban Sports said:
Dave Hedgehog said:
Urban Sports said:
Dave Hedgehog said:
The BMW Z4 "Tony and Guy" comes with M badged curlers and tongs
I have an M badged cap. you own one, don't flatter yourself it wasn't directly aimed at just you.ETA: Don't be so precious, by being precious you are living up to the stereotype
Edited by Urban Sports on Friday 3rd February 21:54
Edited by Urban Sports on Saturday 4th February 11:37
Subaru Forester Angry Farmer Edition
Comes from the dealer already caked in mud and filth, and mismatched tyres. Special geometry and tracking means that it crabs slightly, always in the middle of the road. Various lights disconnected, auto flash function for anyone daring to overtake. Delivered with accessories - namely gun cabinet and one scared looking black labrador.
Comes from the dealer already caked in mud and filth, and mismatched tyres. Special geometry and tracking means that it crabs slightly, always in the middle of the road. Various lights disconnected, auto flash function for anyone daring to overtake. Delivered with accessories - namely gun cabinet and one scared looking black labrador.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Monday 13th February 14:54
Harry Flashman said:
Subaru Forester Angry Farmer Edition
Comes from the dealer already caked in mud and filth, and mismatched tyres. Special geometry and tracking means that it crabs slightly, always in the middle of the road. Various lights disconnected, auto flash function for anyone daring to overtake. Delivered with boots accessories - namely gun cabinet and one scared looking black labrador.
No point, there must already be an after market specialist doing that conversion, if some of the Mid Sussex roads are anything to go by? I think they remove the heaters to, as the farmers that that drive these all have red noses... although that could be from all the double scotch's they down in the village pub.Comes from the dealer already caked in mud and filth, and mismatched tyres. Special geometry and tracking means that it crabs slightly, always in the middle of the road. Various lights disconnected, auto flash function for anyone daring to overtake. Delivered with boots accessories - namely gun cabinet and one scared looking black labrador.
Harry Flashman said:
Subaru Forester Angry Farmer Edition
Comes from the dealer already caked in mud and filth, and mismatched tyres. Special geometry and tracking means that it crabs slightly, always in the middle of the road. Various lights disconnected, auto flash function for anyone daring to overtake. Delivered with accessories - namely gun cabinet and one scared looking black labrador.
Mine had a factory fit gun compartment under the boot floor Comes from the dealer already caked in mud and filth, and mismatched tyres. Special geometry and tracking means that it crabs slightly, always in the middle of the road. Various lights disconnected, auto flash function for anyone daring to overtake. Delivered with accessories - namely gun cabinet and one scared looking black labrador.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Monday 13th February 14:54
Good morning fellows of piston-heads,
Having recently read through the original thread and finding it extremely amusing I figured I'd start a new thread as the original is rather old.
The original thread, started by the well renowned Harry Flashman: https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
The intention of this thread is just for fun, not to start brand bashing.
Anyway, to make a start:
The Audi A3 "Daddies money" edition.
Only comes in bright white
LED headlights that are impossible to turn off and can illuminate up to 5 miles away.
Automatic 3rd lane selection.
Automatically cruises behind the car in front leaving only a 5mm gap.
Automatically flashes anyone in lane doing less than 100 mph until they switch lanes.
Indicators are disabled.
Having recently read through the original thread and finding it extremely amusing I figured I'd start a new thread as the original is rather old.
The original thread, started by the well renowned Harry Flashman: https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
The intention of this thread is just for fun, not to start brand bashing.
Anyway, to make a start:
The Audi A3 "Daddies money" edition.
Only comes in bright white
LED headlights that are impossible to turn off and can illuminate up to 5 miles away.
Automatic 3rd lane selection.
Automatically cruises behind the car in front leaving only a 5mm gap.
Automatically flashes anyone in lane doing less than 100 mph until they switch lanes.
Indicators are disabled.
Tesla Model S "Greta" edition
- Fully powered by clean, green electricity from renewable sources
- Entirely tax free, won't pay any congestion charge, clean air charge
- Entitled to free parking
- But won't actually be able to drive into a city centre as the auto pilot expects there to be protestors blocking the roads
- Fully powered by clean, green electricity from renewable sources
- Entirely tax free, won't pay any congestion charge, clean air charge
- Entitled to free parking
- But won't actually be able to drive into a city centre as the auto pilot expects there to be protestors blocking the roads
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