Bit of a laugh

[robgt]

During this festive period could I suggest a little levity. Some seasonal or car type jokes perhaps. I have a good one about a Duck that it is neither of those two. Tis only a suggestion mind.

[Mako V12V]

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.  Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.  'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

[Slarti]

Cygnet

[George H]

This Christmas naughty children will be getting some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.

[Speedraser]

Slarti said:

Cygnet

That's not funny.

[mikey k]

Not car based but who cars

[mikey k]

One for the DB9 owners who would actually like to be more understanding of our youths popular culture ?



tranlsates to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2SZPb7UUtc&fea...

[robgt]

Duck goes into a pub waddles up to the bar and says to the barman
Got any bread?
Barman says No!
Duck says ,Got any bread?
Barman says No!
Duck replies , Got any bread?
Barman says , If you ask me again I'm going to nail yor bill to the bar!
Duck says, Got any nails?
Barman says No!
Duck says, Got any bread?

[JohnG1]

Two pieces of string walk into a bar.
First one walks over to the barman and asks for a pint of bitter and a bag of dry roasted.
Bar man says "Certainly Sir, oh by the way, are you a piece of string?"
Piece of string says "Yes I am".
Bar man says "I hate string - get out of my bar - you're barred"
Second piece of string gently tease out the end of his string to remove the weave. He then ties himself into a knot.
Bar man looks at him suspiciously and says "Are you a piece of string?"
Piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot".

Try the buffet!

[Neil1300R]

have wanted an Aston since a little boy. Finally achieved the dream a couple of weeks before my Mum's 70th birthday. So we drive to Spain as a surprise. Firstly she didn't notice it wasn't the Honda S2000!, Then once I told her it was a different car and what it was, fulfilling a childhood dream etc, she then spent the rest of the week introducing me to her friends as the "son with an Austin Martin"

sad but true.

[Jockman]

A good friend of my wife's was recently attacked by a group of mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to her.

[lady topaz]

Hopefully before it gets moved. One of the funniest things Ive seen this year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Di

[Molly GT]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'In honour of this Holy Season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Wales fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.

The Englishman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied,
'These are Carols.'

[sooty61]

lady topaz said:

Hopefully before it gets moved. One of the funniest things Ive seen this year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Di

One for cat lovers....

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/1890851/8f3964da/s...

[CIE560]

I distorted a Tortoise earlier.


Now it's just an Oise.

[George H]

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fk off."

[Slarti]

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the v8v out in thirty seconds.

[amv8beauty]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

• *************************************** *******************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[DavidV12V]

Bob Monkhouse (I believe) on stage...

"When I was a kid I told them I'd be a comedian, and they laughed.....

Well they're not laughing now are they?!?"

[DavidV12V]

Don't know about you, but when I speak another language, I feel / act different (like happy when speaking Spanish)...the other evening I was out with my German partner in Berlin, and I wondered aloud "I wonder what I'll be like when I'm speaking German" as I'm just learning. Her reply,

"On time"