Engagement / Relationship Woes
Discussion
I have to be pretty honest, the occasional argument is normal and grabbing someone's arms or wrists is a sign of frustration, not necessarily trying to be violent.
Anyway as I said before, OP should have a proper conversation with his Mrs.
A few posts above sum it up really, often it's claimed that being away from home for work is such a burdon but in reality, most of it is getting drunk on "entertaining" client nights and is all paid for, infact I MAKE money on travelling due to my fuel costs , and let's be honest sitting in a train or in your car for a few hours isn't the end of the world.
Anyway as I said before, OP should have a proper conversation with his Mrs.
A few posts above sum it up really, often it's claimed that being away from home for work is such a burdon but in reality, most of it is getting drunk on "entertaining" client nights and is all paid for, infact I MAKE money on travelling due to my fuel costs , and let's be honest sitting in a train or in your car for a few hours isn't the end of the world.
OP - sounds like there's more background to this than one argument. Previous on the "violence" front aswell.
You need to understand from her perspective, whatever that is, then assess if she was reasonable in being so angry at you for being away.
The facts are you were away working, which was known about beforehand. You were not on a jolly.
However, she may have had 2 screaming kids 24/7 whilst you were away, which has led to resentment.
There is no excuse for her hitting you, but it's important to establish context.
It's easy for these things to escalate, particularly if one of you is the emotional-arguing type who seeks one-upmanship. By that I mean, you swear and she swears more, you threaten and she threatens something worse, etc, etc.
Only you can establish if you love your fiancee. If you do, and she loves you back, you will work through issues and find a way to make things work. That's part of what marriage is about.
BTW - you have an engagement ring? wtf is that about?
You need to understand from her perspective, whatever that is, then assess if she was reasonable in being so angry at you for being away.
The facts are you were away working, which was known about beforehand. You were not on a jolly.
However, she may have had 2 screaming kids 24/7 whilst you were away, which has led to resentment.
There is no excuse for her hitting you, but it's important to establish context.
It's easy for these things to escalate, particularly if one of you is the emotional-arguing type who seeks one-upmanship. By that I mean, you swear and she swears more, you threaten and she threatens something worse, etc, etc.
Only you can establish if you love your fiancee. If you do, and she loves you back, you will work through issues and find a way to make things work. That's part of what marriage is about.
BTW - you have an engagement ring? wtf is that about?
Muzzer79 said:
The facts are you were away working, which was known about beforehand. You were not on a jolly.
You sure about it? His Mrs made a pretty clear statement that getting pissed is not working, perhaps it happens often.In my experience of working away, as a techie not a sales or similar, so I don't do entertaining, is , long drive or travel, fully expensed, often make money
free cushty hotel.
free mutli course meal in the evening
free breakfast
overtime on all the travel , etc
I remember I earned massive money doing a project, I was doing a rebuild of a clients system so I did 3 nights of "8-4" day on client site, then eat, would do from 6pm till about 3am rebuilding bits, sleep and be back in customer site for 8am.
Was it hard, yes, I was single at the time, so not an issue really, but it would be easier than looking after a kid all day, my effective sister in law has a baby we look after and while she is lovely, babies are defo not my forte.
while we all may come home moaning about the hard day, in reality we do not have it that hard and the work is equal in my eyes.
xjay1337 said:
Muzzer79 said:
The facts are you were away working, which was known about beforehand. You were not on a jolly.
You sure about it? His Mrs made a pretty clear statement that getting pissed is not working, perhaps it happens often.In my experience of working away, as a techie not a sales or similar, so I don't do entertaining, is , long drive or travel, fully expensed, often make money
free cushty hotel.
free mutli course meal in the evening
free breakfast
overtime on all the travel , etc
I remember I earned massive money doing a project, I was doing a rebuild of a clients system so I did 3 nights of "8-4" day on client site, then eat, would do from 6pm till about 3am rebuilding bits, sleep and be back in customer site for 8am.
Was it hard, yes, I was single at the time, so not an issue really, but it would be easier than looking after a kid all day, my effective sister in law has a baby we look after and while she is lovely, babies are defo not my forte.
while we all may come home moaning about the hard day, in reality we do not have it that hard and the work is equal in my eyes.
A jolly is, to my mind, an evening out at a football/rugby match or a weekend trip to an event with a client.
Foreign travel for me usually involves:
Criminally early start to catch flight
Travel to destination
Straight in to meetings/conferences/whatever
Back to hotel room to freshen up for a few mins
Out again in the evening entertaining clients at dinner/drinks. This is work. A lot of people I work with I would not socialise with and would much rather be at home instead of in some restaurant in god-knows-where.
Late back to hotel room.
Early start again for following day, repeat as required.
s
tty flight home, usually at unsocial hourArrive home, prepare for work as normal following day.
I am not paid any overtime. I do not expect overtime. I claim my travel and food expenses, that's all - it's certainly not something I earn out of, other than not having to eat at home for those days.
Looking after children is not easy, but both partners need to respect that each other's days have not been champagne cocktails and cigars for him, or coffee mornings and nail appointments for her....
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I had one once, and it was relatively easy to be honest. Then his brother came along
Not twice as hard, its 10 times harder having two (IMO).
Sleep at different times (so no catch up naps), at 18mths one is into everything, whilst there is now a baby to juggle. As they start getting older, arguments start etc etc. Crossing the road is easy with one, two on bikes / scooter can be tricky with 1 parent on duty (just as a tiny example). Could go on, but having one child is a piece of piss, having more, hmmm, less so...
So the stress can affect the dynamics between parents, but it does get easier, but in the 1st 3/4 years of having two it is quite relentless.
We're not going for a third (reminds me to book myself in at the vets to get the snip
)Muzzer79 said:
Different experiences for different folks.
A jolly is, to my mind, an evening out at a football/rugby match or a weekend trip to an event with a client.
Foreign travel for me usually involves:
Criminally early start to catch flight
Travel to destination
Straight in to meetings/conferences/whatever
Back to hotel room to freshen up for a few mins
Out again in the evening entertaining clients at dinner/drinks. This is work. A lot of people I work with I would not socialise with and would much rather be at home instead of in some restaurant in god-knows-where.
Late back to hotel room.
Early start again for following day, repeat as required.
stty flight home, usually at unsocial hour
Arrive home, prepare for work as normal following day.
I am not paid any overtime. I do not expect overtime. I claim my travel and food expenses, that's all - it's certainly not something I earn out of, other than not having to eat at home for those days.
Same for me. What's overtime? A jolly is, to my mind, an evening out at a football/rugby match or a weekend trip to an event with a client.
Foreign travel for me usually involves:
Criminally early start to catch flight
Travel to destination
Straight in to meetings/conferences/whatever
Back to hotel room to freshen up for a few mins
Out again in the evening entertaining clients at dinner/drinks. This is work. A lot of people I work with I would not socialise with and would much rather be at home instead of in some restaurant in god-knows-where.
Late back to hotel room.
Early start again for following day, repeat as required.
s
tty flight home, usually at unsocial hourArrive home, prepare for work as normal following day.
I am not paid any overtime. I do not expect overtime. I claim my travel and food expenses, that's all - it's certainly not something I earn out of, other than not having to eat at home for those days.
Sunday morning train to Manchester. Long flight to, say, Vegas. Get in taxi. Get to hotel. Meetings start two hours after arrival. 4x 16 hr days. Don't see daylight. No gambling, etc (I wouldn't want to anyway). Flight home for Friday morning arrival. Knackered.
I guess it's not the same for everyone.
I would not do massive overtime unless I was being paid appropriately for it.
If you are on 6 figure salary then I guess you are being paid suitably. But if you're earning 30k I don't think anyone in their right mind would be giving up that level of "free" work.
I've never had an issue being paid overtime for suitable travel. I would never be expected to travel FOC outside of business hours, we give 1 hour either end of the day for free.
I would not do massive overtime unless I was being paid appropriately for it.
If you are on 6 figure salary then I guess you are being paid suitably. But if you're earning 30k I don't think anyone in their right mind would be giving up that level of "free" work.
I've never had an issue being paid overtime for suitable travel. I would never be expected to travel FOC outside of business hours, we give 1 hour either end of the day for free.
xjay1337 said:
I guess it's not the same for everyone.
I would not do massive overtime unless I was being paid appropriately for it.
If you are on 6 figure salary then I guess you are being paid suitably. But if you're earning 30k I don't think anyone in their right mind would be giving up that level of "free" work.
I've never had an issue being paid overtime for suitable travel. I would never be expected to travel FOC outside of business hours, we give 1 hour either end of the day for free.
Difference in work roles.I would not do massive overtime unless I was being paid appropriately for it.
If you are on 6 figure salary then I guess you are being paid suitably. But if you're earning 30k I don't think anyone in their right mind would be giving up that level of "free" work.
I've never had an issue being paid overtime for suitable travel. I would never be expected to travel FOC outside of business hours, we give 1 hour either end of the day for free.
Contractors, consultants and "techie" work you charge by the hour and expect to be paid for every hour.
Commercial/management roles it's entirely the norm to not be paid for every hour.
I earn nowhere near a six figure salary and travel quite regularly.
I can assure you there's many, many people on £30k who do 50-60 hour plus weeks and get paid for 37.5 hours flat.
Anyway, we digress. OP - talk to your fiancee without kids being present and when you're both calm.
FredClogs said:
I'd rather my missus banged on my chest or took a swing at me than put her foot through a door or something else to relieve her aggression or indeed kept it bottled up (she's done that). I do draw the line at going for my nuts though, if she does that she gets choked out but I'd prefer even that to making me talk about things for 3 hours whilst sobbing into a glass of pinot. Get it out, clear the air as long as no one is terrorised, controlled by it or in fear or actual bodily harm I say c'est la vie. If it's happening 3 times a week then there's probably more constructive ways to live your life and violence shouldn't be normalised for kids but once in a while is perfectly healthy in a long relationship I reckon.
On what planet does anyone think this is normal/ok? OP, Sorted mate, you're a foot taller, so 'choking out' your Mrs should be a simple task. Just tell the kids she's taking a nap!
anonymous said:
[redacted]
One child is easy to be honest,we had two boys in under two years,they are older now but they really put us through it.Lots of fighting and awful behavior as they bounce off each other and would cause many arguments between us.We have friends with girls who were like little robots in comparison, and know others with a single boy who are very obedient and somewhat withdrawn.I think a 3/4 year gap would have been ideal between births, and although they were very difficult at the time they are now polite and well behaved,it's all good fun. OP sorry about your situation.You have to do whats best for your children,only you know the answer to that.
Muzzer79 said:
Difference in work roles.
Contractors, consultants and "techie" work you charge by the hour and expect to be paid for every hour.
Commercial/management roles it's entirely the norm to not be paid for every hour.
I earn nowhere near a six figure salary and travel quite regularly.
I can assure you there's many, many people on £30k who do 50-60 hour plus weeks and get paid for 37.5 hours flat.
Anyway, we digress. OP - talk to your fiancee without kids being present and when you're both calm.
Very off-topic, but if you're earning nowhere near 6 figures (I'm assuming closer to 30k), and have a punishing overseas travel schedule, then you're having the piss ripped out you. Jack it all in and do something much easier for more money.Contractors, consultants and "techie" work you charge by the hour and expect to be paid for every hour.
Commercial/management roles it's entirely the norm to not be paid for every hour.
I earn nowhere near a six figure salary and travel quite regularly.
I can assure you there's many, many people on £30k who do 50-60 hour plus weeks and get paid for 37.5 hours flat.
Anyway, we digress. OP - talk to your fiancee without kids being present and when you're both calm.
To be honest someone needs a perspective reset.
My dad spent nearly all of his working life from the time me and my brother were born working abroad for at least half a year, every year. My mum had a part time job and she did all the looking after.
In fact I was born the day they moved into their new house. My dad was at work, In Saudi.
They are still together and very happy. They both knew what they signed up for, they both knew the sacrifices. But they knew it was the best way they could think of to provide the very best for us. It was difficult for both of them and don't forget, in Saudi in the 80s on the rig's and refineries, frequent phone calls home were not on the cards.
OP goes away for a few days and the st hits the fan? She's mental. Sorry.
Raising a family is not easy. Requires sacrifices. If it means daddy putting in some long hours to earn the money and mummy solely looking after the kids. That is what it takes. She obviously doesn't realise this.
My dad spent nearly all of his working life from the time me and my brother were born working abroad for at least half a year, every year. My mum had a part time job and she did all the looking after.
In fact I was born the day they moved into their new house. My dad was at work, In Saudi.
They are still together and very happy. They both knew what they signed up for, they both knew the sacrifices. But they knew it was the best way they could think of to provide the very best for us. It was difficult for both of them and don't forget, in Saudi in the 80s on the rig's and refineries, frequent phone calls home were not on the cards.
OP goes away for a few days and the s
t hits the fan? She's mental. Sorry. Raising a family is not easy. Requires sacrifices. If it means daddy putting in some long hours to earn the money and mummy solely looking after the kids. That is what it takes. She obviously doesn't realise this.
DuncanM said:
FredClogs said:
I'd rather my missus banged on my chest or took a swing at me than put her foot through a door or something else to relieve her aggression or indeed kept it bottled up (she's done that). I do draw the line at going for my nuts though, if she does that she gets choked out but I'd prefer even that to making me talk about things for 3 hours whilst sobbing into a glass of pinot. Get it out, clear the air as long as no one is terrorised, controlled by it or in fear or actual bodily harm I say c'est la vie. If it's happening 3 times a week then there's probably more constructive ways to live your life and violence shouldn't be normalised for kids but once in a while is perfectly healthy in a long relationship I reckon.
On what planet does anyone think this is normal/ok? OP, Sorted mate, you're a foot taller, so 'choking out' your Mrs should be a simple task. Just tell the kids she's taking a nap!
Just us then... ho hum.
Muzzer79 said:
Difference in work roles.
Contractors, consultants and "techie" work you charge by the hour and expect to be paid for every hour.
Commercial/management roles it's entirely the norm to not be paid for every hour.
I earn nowhere near a six figure salary and travel quite regularly.
I can assure you there's many, many people on £30k who do 50-60 hour plus weeks and get paid for 37.5 hours flat.
Anyway, we digress. OP - talk to your fiancee without kids being present and when you're both calm.
I agree, probably does happen.Contractors, consultants and "techie" work you charge by the hour and expect to be paid for every hour.
Commercial/management roles it's entirely the norm to not be paid for every hour.
I earn nowhere near a six figure salary and travel quite regularly.
I can assure you there's many, many people on £30k who do 50-60 hour plus weeks and get paid for 37.5 hours flat.
Anyway, we digress. OP - talk to your fiancee without kids being present and when you're both calm.
Frankly, if you are on £30k and do 50-60 hour weeks but you are paid for 37.5, you're a mug.
Off topic.
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