Probable dementia and family overseas
Discussion
I think my mother is on the slippery slope to dementia. Forgetfulness etc. She's 78 this year. Her partner of about 20 years just this past month went into hospital and was diagnosed with cancer, given months (per my mother) but suddenly passed after a couple of weeks. My mother has no other family at all, only myself and my brother. But I live in the US and my brother in Australia.
Nov 2017 I came over to the UK and did see my mother's doctor and solicitor and got an Enduring and Lasting POA started, both now finalized.
I have been monitoring things and getting reports from a couple of friends and neighbours who have email. My mother has no internet or email. My mother does not think anything is wrong when clearly there are issues.
The doctor said they cannot do anything at all unless my mother requests help for a memory assessment or CT scan to get things started. I've made an initial enquiry to her local social services via email and they promptly replied also saying they cannot do anything without my mother's initial request/contact for help.
Seems to be a Catch-22 situation. She owns a small bungalow outright and I believe she will be the beneficiary of her late partners property. Other than that is her state pension.
I am trying to convince my mum to request help/tests. Once that is done, maybe headway can be made. Being overseas puts a big hurdle in the way.
So, PHers with experience in this, my plea is how on earth else can I get some sort of social services engagement? I am initially thinking some sort of once or twice a week care drop in. I need her to stop driving soon too, but she only goes locally. The doctor has made driving assessment appointments for her but she simply doesn't go and apparently it's unenforceable. I am sure some sort of care home will be on the horizon. And with the POA for her health who, how and when is it decided she is no longer mentally capable to make her own decisions and my brother and I can make them for her?
Nov 2017 I came over to the UK and did see my mother's doctor and solicitor and got an Enduring and Lasting POA started, both now finalized.
I have been monitoring things and getting reports from a couple of friends and neighbours who have email. My mother has no internet or email. My mother does not think anything is wrong when clearly there are issues.
The doctor said they cannot do anything at all unless my mother requests help for a memory assessment or CT scan to get things started. I've made an initial enquiry to her local social services via email and they promptly replied also saying they cannot do anything without my mother's initial request/contact for help.
Seems to be a Catch-22 situation. She owns a small bungalow outright and I believe she will be the beneficiary of her late partners property. Other than that is her state pension.
I am trying to convince my mum to request help/tests. Once that is done, maybe headway can be made. Being overseas puts a big hurdle in the way.
So, PHers with experience in this, my plea is how on earth else can I get some sort of social services engagement? I am initially thinking some sort of once or twice a week care drop in. I need her to stop driving soon too, but she only goes locally. The doctor has made driving assessment appointments for her but she simply doesn't go and apparently it's unenforceable. I am sure some sort of care home will be on the horizon. And with the POA for her health who, how and when is it decided she is no longer mentally capable to make her own decisions and my brother and I can make them for her?
I'm very sorry to read this, OP.
Having an LPA in place is a major step, BUT, you must realise you WILL have to get your arse to the U.K. and sort a lot of things out. You can't believe this can be done by phone or email.
You're dealing with UK Social Sevies here; they work at their pace, not yours.
My wife and I have been dealing with Alzheimer's from only 500 miles away, and I'm afraid it's a royal pain in the arse until you know, personally, that your Mum, is safe. This may well mean she needed to be in care or a warden assisted place. It all takes time, I'm afraid.
There are a number of PHers with a lot of knowledge in what's needed, who to get in touch with, but I fear you're not going to do this from Oz or the U.S.
Good luck!
Having an LPA in place is a major step, BUT, you must realise you WILL have to get your arse to the U.K. and sort a lot of things out. You can't believe this can be done by phone or email.
You're dealing with UK Social Sevies here; they work at their pace, not yours.
My wife and I have been dealing with Alzheimer's from only 500 miles away, and I'm afraid it's a royal pain in the arse until you know, personally, that your Mum, is safe. This may well mean she needed to be in care or a warden assisted place. It all takes time, I'm afraid.
There are a number of PHers with a lot of knowledge in what's needed, who to get in touch with, but I fear you're not going to do this from Oz or the U.S.
Good luck!
I second what is said, and there will be much to arrange, but dont think it can be arranged in days, it will unfortunately be an extended visit that is required, and to many different groups and services (banks, electricity, social services, even doctors and possibly homes). Good luck.
I was in a very similar situation as the OP, I had been working overseas from 2002 and in 2013 my son's and myself started to notice my wife (61 yo at the time) started to act oddly and with her memory. We got her checked out and she was diagnosed with Early onset Dementia (Frontal temporal lobe) in late 2014, it's not an easy or simple diagnosis and took around 6 to 9 months to get. I realised that this was going to be a massive challenge for my wife and my son's, however I didn't realise how big a challenge it would be for me.
I decided I would have to tackle it head on and so had to give up working overseas and come home to the UK to get things sorted such as; POA, bank accounts, DVLA, Social Services, Assessments for financial assistance, PIP benefits, medical assessments (MIND), short term carers. Once that has been done she has been deteriorating at an alarming rate and medication needs to be rechecked and reassessed as an on going process. And all the time her communication and understanding have diminished to virtually zero and the children are struggling to understand why this has hit their mum. I get wracked with massive amounts of guilt and sadness it's a b
d disease.
In all honesty you will need to be there for her you cannot do it remotely and as she deteriorated she will rely on you or carers more and more.
If you need to chat I would love to give you all the help and support I can. PM me if you need a phone number for any help and guidance, I'm no expert but I have been through what you are going through and it's very hard mentally for all the family.
I hope you make the right decision but only you will know if it's right for you.
Good luck I wish you well.
I decided I would have to tackle it head on and so had to give up working overseas and come home to the UK to get things sorted such as; POA, bank accounts, DVLA, Social Services, Assessments for financial assistance, PIP benefits, medical assessments (MIND), short term carers. Once that has been done she has been deteriorating at an alarming rate and medication needs to be rechecked and reassessed as an on going process. And all the time her communication and understanding have diminished to virtually zero and the children are struggling to understand why this has hit their mum. I get wracked with massive amounts of guilt and sadness it's a b
d disease.In all honesty you will need to be there for her you cannot do it remotely and as she deteriorated she will rely on you or carers more and more.
If you need to chat I would love to give you all the help and support I can. PM me if you need a phone number for any help and guidance, I'm no expert but I have been through what you are going through and it's very hard mentally for all the family.
I hope you make the right decision but only you will know if it's right for you.
Good luck I wish you well.
May not be what you want to hear OP, but as others have said this is a long process that needs a lot of attention.
My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia last year, but the signs had been there for years. A memory clinic isn't just a quick "Can you remember what day it is? Can you tie up your shoes?" appointment. They're multiple appointments over several weeks with questions that you will need to be there for, because you're the most likely candidate for confirming whether the answer is correct. Questions my Nan was asked included things like "what county do you live in?" (she knew the town but couldn't remember the county), "how many grandchildren do you have?" and then "how many of those grandchildren are from x child?", my aunt had to correct her for some of them.
There was no way she would have gone to those appointments if we'd just told her the date and time. My aunt or my Dad had to take her to each one. Even sending a taxi wouldn't have helped, she became very suspicious of people she didn't know or recognise. Meals on Wheels were constantly refused at the door, even though she'd helped pick stuff from the menu with my aunt, she didn't know who they were and thought they were trying to get in the house to burgle the place.
It has taken a long time to get the LPA sorted, banks all have different ways of accepting it and it often involves multiple phonecalls and forms to fill in. You will probably need to go down the care home route because of the paranoia I mentioned above, if we had tried to organise home care for my Nan I think she would have been on the phone saying someone had just been in and stolen things. But there are some appalling care homes out there, even with a "Good" rating from the CQC. My aunt was shocked at some places and said she wouldn't put a dog in them let along her Mum. Then when a place was found Nan had to be put on a waiting list to get a place. Then she refused to go, even though she'd seen it and thought it was nice. She would change her mind several times a week, it was like arguing with water going through a colander.
She is now in the home and is mostly settled, but does have moments where she'll phone my Dad and say the staff are starving her. They're not, and we know they're not because my aunt will have sat and had lunch with her that day. Regular unannounced visits are the only real way to keep a good eye on the place, but to be fair they do seem decent.
Good luck OP, but I don't think this is something you'll be able to manage from the other side of the ocean
My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia last year, but the signs had been there for years. A memory clinic isn't just a quick "Can you remember what day it is? Can you tie up your shoes?" appointment. They're multiple appointments over several weeks with questions that you will need to be there for, because you're the most likely candidate for confirming whether the answer is correct. Questions my Nan was asked included things like "what county do you live in?" (she knew the town but couldn't remember the county), "how many grandchildren do you have?" and then "how many of those grandchildren are from x child?", my aunt had to correct her for some of them.
There was no way she would have gone to those appointments if we'd just told her the date and time. My aunt or my Dad had to take her to each one. Even sending a taxi wouldn't have helped, she became very suspicious of people she didn't know or recognise. Meals on Wheels were constantly refused at the door, even though she'd helped pick stuff from the menu with my aunt, she didn't know who they were and thought they were trying to get in the house to burgle the place.
It has taken a long time to get the LPA sorted, banks all have different ways of accepting it and it often involves multiple phonecalls and forms to fill in. You will probably need to go down the care home route because of the paranoia I mentioned above, if we had tried to organise home care for my Nan I think she would have been on the phone saying someone had just been in and stolen things. But there are some appalling care homes out there, even with a "Good" rating from the CQC. My aunt was shocked at some places and said she wouldn't put a dog in them let along her Mum. Then when a place was found Nan had to be put on a waiting list to get a place. Then she refused to go, even though she'd seen it and thought it was nice. She would change her mind several times a week, it was like arguing with water going through a colander.
She is now in the home and is mostly settled, but does have moments where she'll phone my Dad and say the staff are starving her. They're not, and we know they're not because my aunt will have sat and had lunch with her that day. Regular unannounced visits are the only real way to keep a good eye on the place, but to be fair they do seem decent.
Good luck OP, but I don't think this is something you'll be able to manage from the other side of the ocean
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