The Thread Where Doofus Shouts Into The Void

[Doofus]

Dear Dustmen,

How difficult is it to PUT THE DUSTBIN BACK WHERE YOU BLOODY FOUND IT?

[Doofus]

PH: Where gushing sycophancy matters

[Doofus]

It's just cricket, FFS. Nobody cares!

[Doofus]

Oi, EvilCorp! Why can't you make yoghurt pots with flat, round bottoms so we have a chance of getting all the yoghurt out without using a fking cotton bud?

[Doofus]

So I read a news article about carhire firms having to make their pricing more transparent and now PH is bombarding me with ads for Holiday Autos.

Remarketing FTW, guys!

[Doofus]

It's fine for you to go out and do whatever women do on a Friday, but don't take all the fking keys! I'm trapped in the house now.

I have a good mind to burn it down, just to teach you a lesson!

[Doofus]

How come my central heating timer knows when the clocks change? I'm nearly fifty, and I never have a b,oody clue until someone on the telly reminds me.

Come to that, why do microwave ovens have clocks anyway?

[Doofus]

Note To Self:

Remember to water next door's plants next week, even thoughe she never bothers to do ours.

Hashtag Goodneighboursshebetterleavemesomethinginherwill

[Doofus]

I don't care what you're doing, but I know it isn't more imortant than what I'm doing, so GET OUT OF THE BLOODY WAY.

[Doofus]

Biased. BiasED. BIASED!

You are not bias. You are biased.

You can have bias. You can encourage bias. You can affect bias. You cannot BE bias.

You are not bias. You are a tit.

[Doofus]

Seriously? Did a mod really move this from The Lounge to Homes & DIY because it was about dustbins?

FFS.

[Doofus]

S. T. R. Str. Stream.

Not Shtream. There is no H. You are a tit.

[Doofus]

I didn't even move my lips.

[Doofus]

Just fk off Nigella, you smug, simpering bint.

[Doofus]

If I go for a 'Drive Out', how the fk do I get back home again? Do I have to wait for somebody to arrange a 'Drive Back'?

Why not just go for a 'Drive'?

[Doofus]

STOP USING "LITERALLY" WHEN YOU WANT TO ADD EMPHASIS TO A METAPHOR.

It makes you sound like a fkwit, or a nine year old!

[Doofus]

"LOL" is not an acceptable alternative to a full stop.

"LOL" never signifies the end of a sentence, but it always follows a statement that isn't fking funny.

Stop fking doing it. You're not a child. And if you are a child, then fking grow up.

[Doofus]

There are two things in our universe which don't actually exist. They are merely constructs of the imagination, created to enable people to exploit the concepts that they represent.

The first is time.

The second is fkING NO CLAIMS DISCOUNTS.

[Doofus]

The next person to see a photo on PH which is upside down, and says something HILARIOUS about excellent roadholding is hereby cursed to spend the rest of their lives calling a Jaguar a 'Jaaaaaaaag'.

[Doofus]

It should be law that anybody with the surname Hyde calls their first child - boy or girl - Jacqueline.