Potential end of a 7 year relationship...
Discussion
I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, I could get laughed at but I need to write this down as talking about it is very hard. My mates think "buy her some flowers and it'll be alright", I've spoken to my parents but I'm not that close to them anymore and it's hard as they're close to my OH, the advice isn't really there as they don't really know what to say. This isn't going to be easy either as I'm really opening up and being honest about mistakes I've made with money - not very PH.
A bit of background... I'll try to keep this brief.
I met the OH 7 years ago at work. I was 20 and she was 19. It was a very competitive environment, flash, cocky, arrogant etc all wearing suits we couldn't afford, watches we couldn't afford and driving cars we couldn't afford. Always aspiring for material objects.
We got together 6 months after meeting and we've been together ever since. We get on very well and in my opinion we're made for each other.
Unfortunately the lifestyle I led in my late teens / early 20's hurt my finances and I'm still paying for it.
Every 6 months we would have a huge row over money and I would promise to sort myself out. In many ways I have, I went through a bad patch where certain bills weren't being paid, maxed out overdraft and buying cars / things for my cars that I shouldn't of. 3 years ago I got my Mini, I still have it and I've not replaced it for something faster etc. I no longer have an overdraft and all my bills get paid. I am still paying off a loan which kept on growing and growing but I've got it under control. I've not borrowed a single penny for years.
Apart from my finances we get on so well. Yes we've had smaller arguments about stupid things but nothing serious. We're so similar, we're over the "going out to get drunk" and we're both happy with a quiet night in with some nice food. We're both quite in to the gym now and we genuinely enjoy each other's company.
2 years ago her Grandma passed away. A year ago her Grandad passed away. We reluctantly moved in to the house and I don't think she grieved properly. I thought it was too soon but her parents thought they were doing us a favour whilst it also done them a favour making sure the house wasn't empty. Up until this point she would stay at my parents house a lot and we'd spend every other weekend at her parents house.
I'm very close to her family and the death of her grandparents did effect me too so the first month of being there was tough.
Beyond that we have really enjoyed ourselves and lived together very happily.
I'm very close to her parents and her little sister treats me like an older brother. Her Auntie and Uncle live close by and I'm very close to them as well. In fact, I'm closer to them than my own family.
2 months ago we had a huge row and I spent a night back at my parents house. We spoke the next day and I promised to sort a few things out including my finances and doing more around the house.
I sorted everything out other than I didn't save any money last month.
In this time the probate has been finalised, her mother and Auntie have the cash inheritance but want to sell the house as well which I know the OH was hoping they wouldn't due to her memories of the house etc. It is also a month since her grandmothers 2 year anniversary of her passing and a month away from her grandads 1 year of passing anniversary. So I'm sure her mind is all over the place at the moment.
On Thursday we were supposed to go out for a meal but I suggested we sat down and spoke as things hadn't been right all week. We sort of spoke, she had said she was angry that I hadn't saved any money etc etc. I went down stairs and just sat in silence. She came down and said I should leave as I had broken the promise I made to her. I've been back at my parents house since Thursday night.
We exchanged very few text messages on Friday and I ended up going back and packing my things on Saturday morning. She came back from the gym and was totally dismissive of me stating "it's over" and wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I left on Saturday leaving very little in the house (tv wouldn't of fitted in the Mini with most of my clothes in it, few clothes left and boxes in the garage) but thinking it was all over. I came back to my parents to be greeted by my mum and Auntie... Not really what I wanted but I told them both that it's over.
Within 3 hours she had text me saying "I don't want us to break up but I can't go on like this. I love you more than anything but you're pushing me too far". A few text messages were exchanged and the tone become nicer, she suggested I called her so I did.
4 hours on the phone and we had talked like a normal couple discussing what we have planned for the future, the fact she has to buy me an Easter egg, the fact that not everyone needs to know I've moved out, that we have tickets for next seasons ice hockey, that her parents have invited us round for Sunday dinner next weekend, what she was going to do on the Sunday (today) etc etc but it ended with her saying she doesn't think we should speak until I can prove I'm changing my lifestyle and saving some money (so at least a month). And even then, it might be too late.
She's told me that I'm a perfect boyfriend and that her only issue is my finances which makes this even harder for me to swallow as I could / should of sorted myself out years ago.
I've not called or text her all day which has been very difficult.
I'm hoping that tonight, when she's not with her friend she'll text me or call me. But with all the mixed signals even though I know her inside out I simply can't predict what she's going to do next.
She hasn't told her parents and her mum is constantly texting me as she's excited to be picking up a new car on Tuesday. So it's very awkward as I've not said anything either.
Do you think I should try to contact her?
Should I leave her alone?
I know I don't deserve another chance but you have to have hope if it's still something you want to fight for.
I know I've done wrong but I'm also concerned that she has so much else going on in her head that she needs support and at the moment I can't give it to her.
Anybody else gone through hard times with finances which has risked your relationship?
Anybody else gone through a tough break up that you really didn't want to happen?
A bit of background... I'll try to keep this brief.
I met the OH 7 years ago at work. I was 20 and she was 19. It was a very competitive environment, flash, cocky, arrogant etc all wearing suits we couldn't afford, watches we couldn't afford and driving cars we couldn't afford. Always aspiring for material objects.
We got together 6 months after meeting and we've been together ever since. We get on very well and in my opinion we're made for each other.
Unfortunately the lifestyle I led in my late teens / early 20's hurt my finances and I'm still paying for it.
Every 6 months we would have a huge row over money and I would promise to sort myself out. In many ways I have, I went through a bad patch where certain bills weren't being paid, maxed out overdraft and buying cars / things for my cars that I shouldn't of. 3 years ago I got my Mini, I still have it and I've not replaced it for something faster etc. I no longer have an overdraft and all my bills get paid. I am still paying off a loan which kept on growing and growing but I've got it under control. I've not borrowed a single penny for years.
Apart from my finances we get on so well. Yes we've had smaller arguments about stupid things but nothing serious. We're so similar, we're over the "going out to get drunk" and we're both happy with a quiet night in with some nice food. We're both quite in to the gym now and we genuinely enjoy each other's company.
2 years ago her Grandma passed away. A year ago her Grandad passed away. We reluctantly moved in to the house and I don't think she grieved properly. I thought it was too soon but her parents thought they were doing us a favour whilst it also done them a favour making sure the house wasn't empty. Up until this point she would stay at my parents house a lot and we'd spend every other weekend at her parents house.
I'm very close to her family and the death of her grandparents did effect me too so the first month of being there was tough.
Beyond that we have really enjoyed ourselves and lived together very happily.
I'm very close to her parents and her little sister treats me like an older brother. Her Auntie and Uncle live close by and I'm very close to them as well. In fact, I'm closer to them than my own family.
2 months ago we had a huge row and I spent a night back at my parents house. We spoke the next day and I promised to sort a few things out including my finances and doing more around the house.
I sorted everything out other than I didn't save any money last month.
In this time the probate has been finalised, her mother and Auntie have the cash inheritance but want to sell the house as well which I know the OH was hoping they wouldn't due to her memories of the house etc. It is also a month since her grandmothers 2 year anniversary of her passing and a month away from her grandads 1 year of passing anniversary. So I'm sure her mind is all over the place at the moment.
On Thursday we were supposed to go out for a meal but I suggested we sat down and spoke as things hadn't been right all week. We sort of spoke, she had said she was angry that I hadn't saved any money etc etc. I went down stairs and just sat in silence. She came down and said I should leave as I had broken the promise I made to her. I've been back at my parents house since Thursday night.
We exchanged very few text messages on Friday and I ended up going back and packing my things on Saturday morning. She came back from the gym and was totally dismissive of me stating "it's over" and wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I left on Saturday leaving very little in the house (tv wouldn't of fitted in the Mini with most of my clothes in it, few clothes left and boxes in the garage) but thinking it was all over. I came back to my parents to be greeted by my mum and Auntie... Not really what I wanted but I told them both that it's over.
Within 3 hours she had text me saying "I don't want us to break up but I can't go on like this. I love you more than anything but you're pushing me too far". A few text messages were exchanged and the tone become nicer, she suggested I called her so I did.
4 hours on the phone and we had talked like a normal couple discussing what we have planned for the future, the fact she has to buy me an Easter egg, the fact that not everyone needs to know I've moved out, that we have tickets for next seasons ice hockey, that her parents have invited us round for Sunday dinner next weekend, what she was going to do on the Sunday (today) etc etc but it ended with her saying she doesn't think we should speak until I can prove I'm changing my lifestyle and saving some money (so at least a month). And even then, it might be too late.
She's told me that I'm a perfect boyfriend and that her only issue is my finances which makes this even harder for me to swallow as I could / should of sorted myself out years ago.
I've not called or text her all day which has been very difficult.
I'm hoping that tonight, when she's not with her friend she'll text me or call me. But with all the mixed signals even though I know her inside out I simply can't predict what she's going to do next.
She hasn't told her parents and her mum is constantly texting me as she's excited to be picking up a new car on Tuesday. So it's very awkward as I've not said anything either.
Do you think I should try to contact her?
Should I leave her alone?
I know I don't deserve another chance but you have to have hope if it's still something you want to fight for.
I know I've done wrong but I'm also concerned that she has so much else going on in her head that she needs support and at the moment I can't give it to her.
Anybody else gone through hard times with finances which has risked your relationship?
Anybody else gone through a tough break up that you really didn't want to happen?
Some amazing advice in here.
We've spoken at length again this evening and things are looking up.
But... I've had my head in the sand for too long and I feel like I've had an issue. The £20 lunches make me feel good at the time but boy do I feel foolish now.
We were in IT Recruitment when we met before the credit crunch. I know most people's opinions on IT Recruiters (esp the contractors on this forum) and I won't lie, we were a bunch of jumped up kids with a licence to print money. This really didn't help my addiction to wanting money but to then spend it (and more) on materialistic s
t.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this. It means a lot.
She is a fantastic lady who is worth fighting for. She wasn't the best with her money but she always had spare money at the end of the month. With the bit of inheritance she received and recent commission she has managed to save a fair bit. I need to match that now and show her that I am a man now.
We've spoken at length again this evening and things are looking up.
But... I've had my head in the sand for too long and I feel like I've had an issue. The £20 lunches make me feel good at the time but boy do I feel foolish now.
We were in IT Recruitment when we met before the credit crunch. I know most people's opinions on IT Recruiters (esp the contractors on this forum) and I won't lie, we were a bunch of jumped up kids with a licence to print money. This really didn't help my addiction to wanting money but to then spend it (and more) on materialistic s
t. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this. It means a lot.
She is a fantastic lady who is worth fighting for. She wasn't the best with her money but she always had spare money at the end of the month. With the bit of inheritance she received and recent commission she has managed to save a fair bit. I need to match that now and show her that I am a man now.
She's not. She's fixated on having a future life and it going somewhere. She's not fussed by the car I have, brands of clothes I wear or the watch on my wrist. That's all the things in my head that were important.
Unfortunately, I didn't stop to think when I was younger that most people have a house / family before getting those things.
Unfortunately, I didn't stop to think when I was younger that most people have a house / family before getting those things.
GT03ROB said:
I think you are over complicating a simple situation. Forget all the stuff about grandparents & living arrangements. This is relatively simple & hence easy to fix if you want to.
1) She wants to be with you.
2) You have no financial self control.
3) She needs you to grow up & show some financial common sense.
4) She has asked you to do that & you have failed.
Solution is easy.
Show some financial common sense. IE Stop spending like it grows on trees.
You're right, I was just giving a bit of background etc. 1) She wants to be with you.
2) You have no financial self control.
3) She needs you to grow up & show some financial common sense.
4) She has asked you to do that & you have failed.
Solution is easy.
Show some financial common sense. IE Stop spending like it grows on trees.
I've come to work today armed with my lunch and gym kit so I won't need to go out and spend anything, not that I want to anyway.
I've put a large chunk of my disposable in my savings account so I hope I'm going in the right direction.
Thank you to everyone for your responses. I wasn't sure about posting here but I'm really glad I have. It sounds like my lifestyle and general spending is on the ridiculous side even for the dizzy heights of PH's powerfully built company directors!
Working it out, £10 a day average, £50 per week, £2600 a year.... If I have of saved that since I started working I would have a lovely savings nest...
DSLiverpool said:
This is dragging on a bit OP - please ask her if its about supporting her £ when she starts a family and once she says yes we can tell you to man up, get used to Centre Parks and kiss your social life goodbye for a bit whilst working like a Trojan.
This. She's worried about our future and not bothered by shiny things any more. We've spoken at length and I know what I need to do. It's just doing it now whilst remaining happy. If I'm not then it's obviously not right and I'll make that decision. But I think it's the right thing to do either way so I'm doing it. I have a gym at my office so it costs nothing. I'm bringing food in to eat rather than buying food elsewhere.
This is all about her trusting me to be a man and support her / potential family. Roof over our heads not shiny possessions.
Thank you all for your advice.
iambeowulf said:
Also, maybe stop trying to be a charlie big bananas and just have some dignity?
Start by taking that cringey Job description out of your profile. No one gives a toss and 95% of PH'ers wont even read your profile anyway!
Be thankful you're not an estate agent.
That is it. Stop "trying" to be Charlie big potatoes. Start by taking that cringey Job description out of your profile. No one gives a toss and 95% of PH'ers wont even read your profile anyway!
Be thankful you're not an estate agent.
I've removed the job title, you have a point there.
I wanted to be an Estate Agent before getting into recruitment!
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