Marriage Breakdown
Discussion
First and foremost, I'm writing this out for my own benefit more than anything. I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking, but any and all opinions are welcome and appreciated.
Over the last few months my wife has become Increasingly cold. I work away Monday to Friday almost all of the time and I noticed more and more that I didn't feel all that welcome on Friday night when I got back. Things weren't all bad, when it was good it was great, however we seemed to have got into a rut - She would be more interested in Corrie and Eastenders, while I'd probably be on my phone browsing here or the Internet in general. Sex was always still good when it happened, albeit less frequently. I'm aware that I buried my head in the sand hoping things would get better, I admit this and I'm fully aware this was a stupid thing to do. It turns out that this was the biggest mistake of my life as you'll discover.
A bit of history is her older son, he was always a bit of a "naughty, cheeky chappy" if you know what I mean. Always getting into light bother. This worsened as he got older, getting into drugs. Stuff was stolen from the house until it got to a point where she threw him out. Later he went on to barge into the house while I wasn't there, grab my infant son from his mother and threatened to take him away and burn our house down. At this point she disowned him. He went on to later hang himself. Needless to say this was upsetting news and my wife put her memories of the bad times to bed and mourned the child she had lost as any mother would. I had no issue with her decision on this. However I had to explain to her that I couldn't forget the threats and grabbing of my baby son and that while I would be there to support her I felt it would be hypocritical to express any grief. A position she understood and accepted.
Fast forward to nearer the present and things are frosty. She'd arranged a visit to relations for a week while I was still at work, no problem until I found out the timing. She works as a retail manager so pretty much every Saturday. She decides to go on the Sunday morning, the first full day we'd have off together. She also planned to return the following Sunday evening, by which time I'd be getting stuff ready for an early start on Monday and thinking about turning in for the night. I was quite put out by this as I couldn't see why she couldn't go on the Monday but let it slide and planned a special night out on the Saturday night before she went. We almost always went out on Saturday nights but I planned a posh meal rather than the more usual pub dinner as a surprise. She came in as normal, we had a cup of tea together as normal and she disappeared upstairs, I presumed for her bath as normal. Turns out not, I asked if we were going out and she said no, she had to get her stuff packed. I said it could wait til the morning but no, it had to be done then and would take too long to make our night out worthwhile. This upset me as I felt I was being deliberately frozen out and while I said nothing specifically about it I made my displeasure obvious. She returned the following weekend as planned and we both tentatively tiptoed round and things were reasonably ok. I was working locally that week and midweek we had sex which went well as it always did. Then the coldness started to creep back, by the Sunday night (Sunday just gone) I could take no more and asked what was up. We sat up all night, a lot of point scoring regarding trivial crap like my disinterest in gardening and DIY and the way I always needed prompting for those chores amongst other things. My opinion towards the recent week away was also cited and that I was never supportive enough over the death of the aforementioned step son. I tried to reason that we could fix these things but in the end had to drag the opinion out of her that she didn't want to try. I finished this discussion (wouldn't call it a row) thinking she was thinking it all over and I was reasonably confident that she'd see sense then left for work, reeling from it a little and yes, I'm aware this was another mistake. During Monday I'd received a text that she was planning to take the kids to her mums until she found somewhere to live. I arranged with my employer to get home, she had already gone.
Spoke to her on the phone that night and it was colder than ever. I had my ten year old son on the Tuesday, she arranged for her mother to drop him off. He was upset and had an idea what was going on. I texted her to say we had to tell him that night, a horrible experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. We said we didn't know if it was forever, a week or what and he kind of understood although was really upset. Once he recovered we left him in front of the TV while we retired to the garden to talk. The conversation was warm and as positive as you could expect but she needed to sit back and take stock. I put forward a few suggestions as to how we set about fixing this. I explained my feelings on the recent week away and asked if that was the tipping point. She said it probably was and in the end she left with our son leaving things reasonably amicably.
This morning I texted asking for half hour of her time (she was off today) to go through an idea I'd had to demonstrate how willing I was to change my attitudes to certain things, particularly the late step son. I figured it was high time I put my issues on the subject away, to make extra effort to help her get through his birthday (next month) which always challenges her. Back to cold again. She needs space and would talk to me on Sunday, I was having the boy for the weekend and we'd discuss things when I took him back. I asked her not to make any decisions before we'd talked, she replied much later that she'd been down to see the housing people. I'm worried the 'giving her space' will be ongoing and is designed just to keep me away to allow her time to make her escape plan and set it in motion. I've always thought that needing space was largely a television cliché.
Anyway I've been in a right state, very little sleep since Sunday and can't see anything to hang on to. I don't want to split up with my wife, I want to put things right. This chopping and changing between hot and cold is leading me to despair. I chatted with the male of a couple we know who said his wife had noticed the wife's facebook posts had been deleted back to 2012. I'm starting to wonder if this is related, as I was already convinced the reasons I've been given are just smoke and the core issue is yet to come to light. she's 48 and I guess could be coming up against 'the change'. This couple I spoke to couldn't believe it as we were always seen to be so happy and good together
As said I don't really know what I'm asking here, I want everything back as it was 6 months ago when we had a brilliant life together. The deterioration has been steady but the sex in the middle of last week suggests that everything was all right then so the end came very suddenly. I guess I just want thoughts as to what I can do to get through this, whichever way it goes in the end. I'd prefer to not get the traditional snakes-with-tits replies for now, as I still love and miss her enormously. Similarly advice re any potential divorce proceedings, I appreciate that people may be trying to help but I want to concentrate on the here and now, plenty of time for that if it comes to it.
I've probably written this very badly, I'm sat up in bed suffering with a lack of sleep. Apologies for that and if anything requires clarification feel free to ask and I'll do my best. Thanks for reading.
Over the last few months my wife has become Increasingly cold. I work away Monday to Friday almost all of the time and I noticed more and more that I didn't feel all that welcome on Friday night when I got back. Things weren't all bad, when it was good it was great, however we seemed to have got into a rut - She would be more interested in Corrie and Eastenders, while I'd probably be on my phone browsing here or the Internet in general. Sex was always still good when it happened, albeit less frequently. I'm aware that I buried my head in the sand hoping things would get better, I admit this and I'm fully aware this was a stupid thing to do. It turns out that this was the biggest mistake of my life as you'll discover.
A bit of history is her older son, he was always a bit of a "naughty, cheeky chappy" if you know what I mean. Always getting into light bother. This worsened as he got older, getting into drugs. Stuff was stolen from the house until it got to a point where she threw him out. Later he went on to barge into the house while I wasn't there, grab my infant son from his mother and threatened to take him away and burn our house down. At this point she disowned him. He went on to later hang himself. Needless to say this was upsetting news and my wife put her memories of the bad times to bed and mourned the child she had lost as any mother would. I had no issue with her decision on this. However I had to explain to her that I couldn't forget the threats and grabbing of my baby son and that while I would be there to support her I felt it would be hypocritical to express any grief. A position she understood and accepted.
Fast forward to nearer the present and things are frosty. She'd arranged a visit to relations for a week while I was still at work, no problem until I found out the timing. She works as a retail manager so pretty much every Saturday. She decides to go on the Sunday morning, the first full day we'd have off together. She also planned to return the following Sunday evening, by which time I'd be getting stuff ready for an early start on Monday and thinking about turning in for the night. I was quite put out by this as I couldn't see why she couldn't go on the Monday but let it slide and planned a special night out on the Saturday night before she went. We almost always went out on Saturday nights but I planned a posh meal rather than the more usual pub dinner as a surprise. She came in as normal, we had a cup of tea together as normal and she disappeared upstairs, I presumed for her bath as normal. Turns out not, I asked if we were going out and she said no, she had to get her stuff packed. I said it could wait til the morning but no, it had to be done then and would take too long to make our night out worthwhile. This upset me as I felt I was being deliberately frozen out and while I said nothing specifically about it I made my displeasure obvious. She returned the following weekend as planned and we both tentatively tiptoed round and things were reasonably ok. I was working locally that week and midweek we had sex which went well as it always did. Then the coldness started to creep back, by the Sunday night (Sunday just gone) I could take no more and asked what was up. We sat up all night, a lot of point scoring regarding trivial crap like my disinterest in gardening and DIY and the way I always needed prompting for those chores amongst other things. My opinion towards the recent week away was also cited and that I was never supportive enough over the death of the aforementioned step son. I tried to reason that we could fix these things but in the end had to drag the opinion out of her that she didn't want to try. I finished this discussion (wouldn't call it a row) thinking she was thinking it all over and I was reasonably confident that she'd see sense then left for work, reeling from it a little and yes, I'm aware this was another mistake. During Monday I'd received a text that she was planning to take the kids to her mums until she found somewhere to live. I arranged with my employer to get home, she had already gone.
Spoke to her on the phone that night and it was colder than ever. I had my ten year old son on the Tuesday, she arranged for her mother to drop him off. He was upset and had an idea what was going on. I texted her to say we had to tell him that night, a horrible experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. We said we didn't know if it was forever, a week or what and he kind of understood although was really upset. Once he recovered we left him in front of the TV while we retired to the garden to talk. The conversation was warm and as positive as you could expect but she needed to sit back and take stock. I put forward a few suggestions as to how we set about fixing this. I explained my feelings on the recent week away and asked if that was the tipping point. She said it probably was and in the end she left with our son leaving things reasonably amicably.
This morning I texted asking for half hour of her time (she was off today) to go through an idea I'd had to demonstrate how willing I was to change my attitudes to certain things, particularly the late step son. I figured it was high time I put my issues on the subject away, to make extra effort to help her get through his birthday (next month) which always challenges her. Back to cold again. She needs space and would talk to me on Sunday, I was having the boy for the weekend and we'd discuss things when I took him back. I asked her not to make any decisions before we'd talked, she replied much later that she'd been down to see the housing people. I'm worried the 'giving her space' will be ongoing and is designed just to keep me away to allow her time to make her escape plan and set it in motion. I've always thought that needing space was largely a television cliché.
Anyway I've been in a right state, very little sleep since Sunday and can't see anything to hang on to. I don't want to split up with my wife, I want to put things right. This chopping and changing between hot and cold is leading me to despair. I chatted with the male of a couple we know who said his wife had noticed the wife's facebook posts had been deleted back to 2012. I'm starting to wonder if this is related, as I was already convinced the reasons I've been given are just smoke and the core issue is yet to come to light. she's 48 and I guess could be coming up against 'the change'. This couple I spoke to couldn't believe it as we were always seen to be so happy and good together
As said I don't really know what I'm asking here, I want everything back as it was 6 months ago when we had a brilliant life together. The deterioration has been steady but the sex in the middle of last week suggests that everything was all right then so the end came very suddenly. I guess I just want thoughts as to what I can do to get through this, whichever way it goes in the end. I'd prefer to not get the traditional snakes-with-tits replies for now, as I still love and miss her enormously. Similarly advice re any potential divorce proceedings, I appreciate that people may be trying to help but I want to concentrate on the here and now, plenty of time for that if it comes to it.
I've probably written this very badly, I'm sat up in bed suffering with a lack of sleep. Apologies for that and if anything requires clarification feel free to ask and I'll do my best. Thanks for reading.
andy-xr said:
I think you need to decide whether it's important for you. Sounds like you're away a lot and if you're not physically there, you might only be in the relationship when it suits. Maybe she needs more
It sounds though you put a lot of the problems onto her and dont take that much responsibility yourself. You're never really there from the sounds of it anyway, both physically and emotionally, and you dont share things with her, such as how to deal with her son. That's basically you saying 'this is your problem, deal with it'
So she has.
I dont know what else really you want from that
I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff that you have done, and telling everyone about it wont really change a lot, because it's already happened.
I think if you want this to work, the job sounds like it's getting in the way a bit, and you're getting in the way with how you're prejudicing things to basically drive a wedge between you. While I'm sure she's no angel, it needs willing and a large amount of compromise. Be there more
Thank you all. This post strikes a chord, particularly this bit...It sounds though you put a lot of the problems onto her and dont take that much responsibility yourself. You're never really there from the sounds of it anyway, both physically and emotionally, and you dont share things with her, such as how to deal with her son. That's basically you saying 'this is your problem, deal with it'
So she has.
I dont know what else really you want from that
I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff that you have done, and telling everyone about it wont really change a lot, because it's already happened.
I think if you want this to work, the job sounds like it's getting in the way a bit, and you're getting in the way with how you're prejudicing things to basically drive a wedge between you. While I'm sure she's no angel, it needs willing and a large amount of compromise. Be there more
andy-xr said:
It sounds though you put a lot of the problems onto her and dont take that much responsibility yourself. You're never really there from the sounds of it anyway, both physically and emotionally, and you dont share things with her, such as how to deal with her son. That's basically you saying 'this is your problem, deal with it'
I guess to a point this is true, I always asked her if she was happy as it was and she would tell me it was. She has a pilgrimage (for want of a better word) to the place it happens, some way away, twice a year, the anniversary of his death and his birthday. I personally find this a bizarre thing to do, dragging the grief on. Obviously I never said this to her, although I did say once that the place itself isn't important as it was in her heart and memories that he lives on. She's always said I don't need to come as her mother and other close family/friends from that area accompany her. I always took this at face value and that was my mistake, I should've insisted I went too. I admit I was hung up on the anger over the things he did late in his life. Once that eased I guess I took the easy option of keeping away. She always seemed OK and now I realise that's because I never saw the outpouring of grief at the event. That is the area I'm concentrating on fixing, I know it could look like I'm only doing it to get her back but I can't do anything about that and I guess it's kind of true. However I'm hoping that the fact that I'm doing the right thing will shine through regardless. I have been communicating through text and I've put this forward to her. I will go into the details when we discuss it in person.
I don't think there is anyone else, and I don't think she'd incriminate herself on Facebook - her mum is on her friends list and I don't think people generally admit infidelity in front of their parents, and knowing her I'd say she'd be least likely of all. But the Facebook thing is bizarre. I'm on there and also on her list although I'm far from an avid user, I don't really get it if I'm honest. Having said all this it's only the timeline thing she's deleted, the things she responded to rare posts of mine are still there.
What I suspect there might be is a stirrer, someone putting the knife in me. She doesn't know me other than to recognise me as her husband so I might be wrong there, but for some reason she strikes me as someone not to be trusted. I've since became aware that she's often round the house of an evening, this has never been highlighted to me. Even during our "what have you been up to?" conversations on my return. This came from my boy, there more than once at times over the four nights I've been away. This is a woman she works with, the time she started talking about her being friendly kind of ties in with a little while before the cold spells started.
andy-xr said:
BUt that's not what the OP is asking, he's (I think) looking at ways he can get things back to how they were. Your advice is short term coping that doesnt fix any problems jointly, just a bit of instant gratification.
This, absolutely. But how they were a year ago when everything was brilliant. I'm willing to go the extra mile, I guess I never have enough thought to how things looked to her. Didn't make my feelings of love (sorry) apparent enough. andy-xr said:
The likely reality from what I've read though is that the OP's treating his wife a bit like a f
kbuddy and not really giving anything else any time, and now she doesnt want that but he wants it just as it was and for her to put up with it. But that could just be the way I'm reading it.
This really isn't the case, but I wonder if at times it could appear that way? This is what I want to fix. But fix properly, the whole way. This has been a wake up, I'm ashamed to admit. I think I've taken her and her feelings for granted rather than treat her as a kbuddy and not really giving anything else any time, and now she doesnt want that but he wants it just as it was and for her to put up with it. But that could just be the way I'm reading it.buddy as you say. What I want back is the perfect relationship we used to have, the ideal. I've already decided to speak to work regarding binning the nights away. The counselling idea is something I pondered, and the suggestion has spurred me on and I'm about to call them. She's aware that I'm dismissive about counselling generally, so it will hopefully show her how serious I am about changing. Changing is what I need to do and I'm determined to do it. And I mean all the way, no half measures. It's all I can do and I only want her back at home and happy, like she was not all that long ago.
Thank you all, you've spurred me out of my broken state and into something pro active.
happychap said:
This may come across as harsh, however try to imagine what she has had to deal with regarding losing her son and not having you there to support her, despite her telling you it was ok for you not to accompany her. Her loss will always be there, she can learn over time to live with it. Try to Imagine what it would be like to be in her position.
That's what I'm doing now, I realise it's too little but hopefully not too late. I know what it'll take and I know I can do it. The problem I have is convincing her that it's worth a try, if I can do that and she's willing to be receptive to my efforts it will work. But that last bit is the challenge. As for the reasons, it's much as I have said. The son situation is the biggest thing, the rest is just annoyances and easily put right. Something I did was save money, aiming for a dream car. I neglected the fact that there's a sum of money in the bank that could be put to better use for the family and still buy a lesser car. My wife and family should be more important than that M5. I lost sight of that and I already put it to her that I was happy to spend it on us, that seemed to stir a reaction in her although she didn't get too outwardly excited. She knows that's a big thing for me as she's aware of my petrol sniffing tendencies.
She says she still loves me but isn't in love with me. Her eyes were very puffy incidentally, indicating she'd been crying and/or not sleeping either. I don't know if this is a good sign or not but I don't have much else to hang onto.
Thanks for listening, this really is putting my mind straight and strengthening my resolve not to give in.
Edited to correct wording
Edited by LikesBikes on Thursday 25th August 10:55
I should point out that I'm a lorry driver. The company does day runs as well as nights away, so a break won't hurt and it should be easy enough to arrange not being away on an ongoing basis. At the moment I'm reluctant to go back to nights away, as spending my evenings alone with my despair in a metal box isn't going to be doing my own wellbeing any good. This will be continuing as things go on, extra money doesn't make up for losing the wonderful woman I've lost.
The marriage guidance relate place are going to call me back, their number in our town is just an answerphone to leave details on. Obviously I haven't spoken to her about it as I'm granting her the space she asked for so I can't make an appointment as such, but I can check out what we need to do to get the ball rolling and then I can put the suggestion to her on Sunday.
I've forgotten who said about stopping with the petrol sniffing so apologies, but I've already decided that. This is all my own fault, I'm aware of that. My wife admitted that she should have said something rather than express her displeasure with this coldness. But that doesn't absolve me of any tiny amount of blame whatsoever. I've been a fool and I know it. I also am suddenly very aware of exactly how much I have lost through stupidity and being too quick to think it's one of those things where marriages fizzle out. I hope I can put this right and be the husband that my wonderful wife deserves again
I really do appreciate all this, thank you all.
The marriage guidance relate place are going to call me back, their number in our town is just an answerphone to leave details on. Obviously I haven't spoken to her about it as I'm granting her the space she asked for so I can't make an appointment as such, but I can check out what we need to do to get the ball rolling and then I can put the suggestion to her on Sunday.
I've forgotten who said about stopping with the petrol sniffing so apologies, but I've already decided that. This is all my own fault, I'm aware of that. My wife admitted that she should have said something rather than express her displeasure with this coldness. But that doesn't absolve me of any tiny amount of blame whatsoever. I've been a fool and I know it. I also am suddenly very aware of exactly how much I have lost through stupidity and being too quick to think it's one of those things where marriages fizzle out. I hope I can put this right and be the husband that my wonderful wife deserves again
I really do appreciate all this, thank you all.
I've re-read the thread and picked up on something a couple of people have mentioned. When I say "get back to things as they used to be", I mean when things were great between us back in the day. I don't mean the period immediately before the cold spell when things were on the slide.
I used to be a brilliant husband, I know she would agree. However I guess I let the mundane trudge of life creep in and pull me down. I was kind of living for myself as if I was a bachelor, I took her for granted, I failed as a husband. My fault entirely, no argument there.
However what I need to do is change back to the good man and great husband that I was. That's relatively easy, the difficult part is convincing her that I deserve the chance. On Sunday I hope to get the chance to see her, explain the plan I've made to correct what I've done to her. It's getting her to allow me the honour of making her happy again that is the challenge. And I don't know how or if I can do that for certain, that is what is tearing me apart.
I used to be a brilliant husband, I know she would agree. However I guess I let the mundane trudge of life creep in and pull me down. I was kind of living for myself as if I was a bachelor, I took her for granted, I failed as a husband. My fault entirely, no argument there.
However what I need to do is change back to the good man and great husband that I was. That's relatively easy, the difficult part is convincing her that I deserve the chance. On Sunday I hope to get the chance to see her, explain the plan I've made to correct what I've done to her. It's getting her to allow me the honour of making her happy again that is the challenge. And I don't know how or if I can do that for certain, that is what is tearing me apart.
blindswelledrat said:
You honestly think she understood and accepted this? I suspect at the time she was so distraught she probably didn't give a fk what you said but I strongly suspect your marriage was finished at that point and that she has hated you ever since. I cannot comprehend why you felt you had to make the point that you didn't like him/care.
I can't express how spectacularly selfish andish that seems.
I might be wrong, of course, and she may feel quite happy that you told her you didn't like/wouldn't grieve for her dead son. Im not wrong though.
Sorry, forgot to say, that my main point is that I don't think there is ever a way back from that.
I've paraphrased it for the purpose of telling the story here, clearly I didn't say that exactly. This happened six years ago, she understood that the incidents prior to his death made our situation different regarding his passing. Or rather I thought she did. k what you said but I strongly suspect your marriage was finished at that point and that she has hated you ever since. I cannot comprehend why you felt you had to make the point that you didn't like him/care.I can't express how spectacularly selfish and
ish that seems.I might be wrong, of course, and she may feel quite happy that you told her you didn't like/wouldn't grieve for her dead son. Im not wrong though.
Sorry, forgot to say, that my main point is that I don't think there is ever a way back from that.
Edited by blindswelledrat on Thursday 25th August 13:22
But regardless I'm not blaming her. I know it's my fault and I should've put the bad feelings away and insisted on going with her. I realise now that her allowing me not to go was not because she didn't want me there, but because she only wanted the people with happy memories there. Well I want to unload the s
t memories and concentrate on the happier parts for her, so I can hold her hand through this once again. I did it for the funeral and the immediate aftermath, there's no reason I can't do it now. As long as I can get her to let me. blindswelledrat said:
Fair enough.
I wish you good luck, but I definitely think the best advice on here is to accept it is over and think about the future.
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever.
Learn from it, move on, and be a better husband next time.
You are of course correct, I now know that only too well. But giving up hope is not an option for me at the moment, as hope is all that I have. I wish you good luck, but I definitely think the best advice on here is to accept it is over and think about the future.
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever.
Learn from it, move on, and be a better husband next time.
stuttgartmetal said:
Denial.
Assuming you're talking about the hope, possibly. My wife is a wonderful woman and deserves better than I've been. I'd like the opportunity to make it up to her and be the great husband I used to be. Not because I deserve it, because I don't. But because she deserves it. If it comes to the worst then I won't be able to argue, I'll have to live with my mistakes. Mistakes that cost me the most precious thing I ever had.
I'd like to recap, just for clarity. I may not have explained this properly at the start of the thread.
I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone. I know I have to push my issues with the step son aside and leave them behind for my wife's sake, something I should have done a long time ago. Now I've prepared myself for what I should do, I'm more confident than I've ever been about anything that I can do it right and more importantly keep it up. No one here can tell me anything that will hurt me more than what I've already told myself. The knowledge that I've hurt the love of my life so badly is punishment enough without the ongoing misery that will come from losing her. But I cannot blame her for that, or indeed any of this. This has been a massive wake up call for me that I realise has almost certainly come too late to save me from the one thing I don't want, the one thing that will punish me forever.
I'm aware that the chances of this going the way I want it to are exceedingly bad. I have a few tiny threads to hang onto until I find out, tiny threads really is all they are. But if by some miracle I'm granted the chance to make this right then make it right I will. I need to know that I've made every effort that I can before I face up to an unhappy future, otherwise I will never be able to look myself in the eye again.
Im making myself look desperate I know, and desperate I am. But I'm not embarrassed to admit these things and I'm not embarrassed of anything I've said in this thread. Ashamed is what I am and if I don't do my best to fix it, regardless of how it ends for me, I'll never live with myself.
This thread has helped me focus, I knew what I needed to do already. But it has helped me sort the things swirling in my head and arrange them into what I need to do. I thank you all for that, every one of you.
All I can do is say my piece on Sunday and hope my pitch is enough to convince her. If not I'm destined to continue in the limbo I'm in now. Living in hope with no actual hope whatsoever.
Thank you again.
I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone. I know I have to push my issues with the step son aside and leave them behind for my wife's sake, something I should have done a long time ago. Now I've prepared myself for what I should do, I'm more confident than I've ever been about anything that I can do it right and more importantly keep it up. No one here can tell me anything that will hurt me more than what I've already told myself. The knowledge that I've hurt the love of my life so badly is punishment enough without the ongoing misery that will come from losing her. But I cannot blame her for that, or indeed any of this. This has been a massive wake up call for me that I realise has almost certainly come too late to save me from the one thing I don't want, the one thing that will punish me forever.
I'm aware that the chances of this going the way I want it to are exceedingly bad. I have a few tiny threads to hang onto until I find out, tiny threads really is all they are. But if by some miracle I'm granted the chance to make this right then make it right I will. I need to know that I've made every effort that I can before I face up to an unhappy future, otherwise I will never be able to look myself in the eye again.
Im making myself look desperate I know, and desperate I am. But I'm not embarrassed to admit these things and I'm not embarrassed of anything I've said in this thread. Ashamed is what I am and if I don't do my best to fix it, regardless of how it ends for me, I'll never live with myself.
This thread has helped me focus, I knew what I needed to do already. But it has helped me sort the things swirling in my head and arrange them into what I need to do. I thank you all for that, every one of you.
All I can do is say my piece on Sunday and hope my pitch is enough to convince her. If not I'm destined to continue in the limbo I'm in now. Living in hope with no actual hope whatsoever.
Thank you again.
A development.
My son was with me this afternoon. I did the good dad thing and took him out on his bike, made him dinner and walked him to her mothers house to return him as arranged at about 7.30.
My wife answered the door and was very amicable. I asked for two minutes, so I could apologise for my texts on the Tuesday. She invited me to the back garden for a tea and a cigarette.
She allowed me to explain my plans for putting this right. I told her that I'd been to the doctors and then work to hand in a sick note (a formality for our sick pay) and spoken with my boss to bin off the nights away. She allowed me well over an hour, her eyes welling up the whole time. She told me she couldn't give me an answer straight away and I hadn't been expecting one. But she did agree to give it some serious thought.
No guarantees there I know but she listened. I'm aware that I've not won anything yet, but For the first time I have a sense of optimism rather than, at best, blind hope. I know there isn't a quick fix but I can prepare myself for the long, arduous journey that may be ahead of me. Our marriage isn't dead yet, it is only wounded.
I'm still more than confident that there is no one else in the frame. I'm confident that I'll be given the opportunity to speak again. I'm confident that all is not lost and I will be allowed to do the right thing and support her. Even if it doesn't get me the result I ultimately want, I'll know that I did the right thing and I'll know that in the end I was a good man again, even if achieving that status came along too late.
Thanks all round. Especially to the PHer I've been PM'ing with, a great help and support. You know who you are.
My son was with me this afternoon. I did the good dad thing and took him out on his bike, made him dinner and walked him to her mothers house to return him as arranged at about 7.30.
My wife answered the door and was very amicable. I asked for two minutes, so I could apologise for my texts on the Tuesday. She invited me to the back garden for a tea and a cigarette.
She allowed me to explain my plans for putting this right. I told her that I'd been to the doctors and then work to hand in a sick note (a formality for our sick pay) and spoken with my boss to bin off the nights away. She allowed me well over an hour, her eyes welling up the whole time. She told me she couldn't give me an answer straight away and I hadn't been expecting one. But she did agree to give it some serious thought.
No guarantees there I know but she listened. I'm aware that I've not won anything yet, but For the first time I have a sense of optimism rather than, at best, blind hope. I know there isn't a quick fix but I can prepare myself for the long, arduous journey that may be ahead of me. Our marriage isn't dead yet, it is only wounded.
I'm still more than confident that there is no one else in the frame. I'm confident that I'll be given the opportunity to speak again. I'm confident that all is not lost and I will be allowed to do the right thing and support her. Even if it doesn't get me the result I ultimately want, I'll know that I did the right thing and I'll know that in the end I was a good man again, even if achieving that status came along too late.
Thanks all round. Especially to the PHer I've been PM'ing with, a great help and support. You know who you are.
I appreciate your comments, but I'm still certain there isn't another man involved here. I know this woman and having looked into her eyes last night as we spoke I'd know if she was lying.
With all due respect gents you don't know her. I need to keep hold of my confidence here to see me through the darkness and I'm 100% that this really isn't the case. I have to wait to find out if I have my chance for a reprieve and that wait is going to be agonising.
So with that in mind I may have to withdraw from the thread for my own benefit and hope I did enough last night to get my chance. I will come back to update one way or another to let you all know how things turned out. The ball is firmly in her court and I can only trust her and hope I said enough for her to decide in my favour to one degree or another. Having that trust chipped away by people here, with good intentions or otherwise, isn't helping me at all.
I know there will be posts of denial and such like on the back of this and yes, unlikely as I find it there is a possibility I guess that you could be right. And if that happens I will report back as such and you can give yourself a pat on the back. But I have to remain 100% to get me through the wait.
As said no disrespect to anyone, thank you again.
With all due respect gents you don't know her. I need to keep hold of my confidence here to see me through the darkness and I'm 100% that this really isn't the case. I have to wait to find out if I have my chance for a reprieve and that wait is going to be agonising.
So with that in mind I may have to withdraw from the thread for my own benefit and hope I did enough last night to get my chance. I will come back to update one way or another to let you all know how things turned out. The ball is firmly in her court and I can only trust her and hope I said enough for her to decide in my favour to one degree or another. Having that trust chipped away by people here, with good intentions or otherwise, isn't helping me at all.
I know there will be posts of denial and such like on the back of this and yes, unlikely as I find it there is a possibility I guess that you could be right. And if that happens I will report back as such and you can give yourself a pat on the back. But I have to remain 100% to get me through the wait.
As said no disrespect to anyone, thank you again.
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