Appalling Flatulence
Discussion
tjl said:
One of my proudest moments was following a curry the previous evening. Drove to work the next morning. Parked in the car park. Let rip one of those long , fairly silent , but highly pungent post curry farts. Evacuated the car quickly. Popped back to car at lunchtime to go grab a sandwich and could still smell it. 
I envy the next owner of your car.My classic Johnny F moment was on a tour of the caverns at Castleton deep under the castle. The previous evening I had been on the real ale and stew which for me is an apocalyptic combination and was feeling a bit of 'lower internal pressure' We went into the caverns from where the river emerges but I couldn't 'let off' as we were in a tight bunch with about 30 other tourists. I was becoming desperate and loudly blurted out 'oh I forgot my camera I'll just nip back to the car'' in a pathetic attempt to give a bit of distance and relieve the now almost painful feeling of having a tennis ball up my jacksie. My plan was ruined when I was 10 steps way and my OH called out 'it's OK V6 it's here I put it in my handbag'
I was stuffed. In more ways than one.
As we went into the cave all I could think was what the heck do I do, how long is this tour going to last and will I suffer irreversible damage. By the time we got as far as the big cathedral size cavern underneath the castle the Guide was saying about prisoners being thrown down into it from the castle and despite thre being an exit they usually never found it so died there because it was too dark. At this point my buttock clenching was becoming painful in its own right.....
Then to illustrate the medieval prisoners plight she said 'we will now turn off the lifts for one minute'
Salvation!!
My plan was hatched in an instant. The lights went off and amid the general murmuring and shuffling and oohs and aahs of the others I quickly darted to one side where no one had been standing. It was PITCH BLACK with no light source at all and they started to play Medieval music -this was my chance! I did the deed by crouching and going pigeon toed and several large semi quiet wooshes followed in quick succession. I then darted to another area that had been clear just as the lights came on. Done. Relief. Now evasion tactics.
I wandered around as the guide was going on about prisoners going insane in the darkness. I looked back to where I had been and people were all looking at eachother, a mother grabbed at her son and told him off. Someone wretched.
It was terrible. The smell was overbearing in the damp subterranean chamber but I had got away with it and my Achilles heel of the 'jeans delay' hadn't happened.
My overriding memory of that day was the surreal stench, which actually made the trapped prisoners dying and rotting all the more vivid, albeit from my own production.
I haven't 'trumped' that one since
I was stuffed. In more ways than one.
As we went into the cave all I could think was what the heck do I do, how long is this tour going to last and will I suffer irreversible damage. By the time we got as far as the big cathedral size cavern underneath the castle the Guide was saying about prisoners being thrown down into it from the castle and despite thre being an exit they usually never found it so died there because it was too dark. At this point my buttock clenching was becoming painful in its own right.....
Then to illustrate the medieval prisoners plight she said 'we will now turn off the lifts for one minute'
Salvation!!
My plan was hatched in an instant. The lights went off and amid the general murmuring and shuffling and oohs and aahs of the others I quickly darted to one side where no one had been standing. It was PITCH BLACK with no light source at all and they started to play Medieval music -this was my chance! I did the deed by crouching and going pigeon toed and several large semi quiet wooshes followed in quick succession. I then darted to another area that had been clear just as the lights came on. Done. Relief. Now evasion tactics.
I wandered around as the guide was going on about prisoners going insane in the darkness. I looked back to where I had been and people were all looking at eachother, a mother grabbed at her son and told him off. Someone wretched.
It was terrible. The smell was overbearing in the damp subterranean chamber but I had got away with it and my Achilles heel of the 'jeans delay' hadn't happened.
My overriding memory of that day was the surreal stench, which actually made the trapped prisoners dying and rotting all the more vivid, albeit from my own production.
I haven't 'trumped' that one since
Sticks. said:
I'd forgotten about this. Must-see TV in my youth.
In short, the plot is that Vyvyan, the punk, is pregnant which will make them all rich. However....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX7Yt0D4NEg
Sometimes think of that one, don't they all have to go out to work to prepare for the baby? Classic In short, the plot is that Vyvyan, the punk, is pregnant which will make them all rich. However....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX7Yt0D4NEg
Brum_Brum said:
Wish I could write as well as some previous posters, I've been in tears ..
Waiting with two colleagues one morning, one farted on the rammed tube platform, a proper belter amplified by the signage board he was leant against.
It seemed like half of London was down there and everyone had heard it. Next train came seconds later so we jumped on eager to escape the stares.
Doors closed and we set off. Then the most horrific smell gradually permeated the air in the carriage, the foul guff had delayed rolling down my mates leg until we were onboard! I looked around to see a poor guy trying to contain his retches, women trying to use the lapels on their coats as a filter to fend off the stench and one chap struggling furiously with the window at the end.
All this through my clouded vision as my eyes were full of tears of simultaneous embarrassment and laughter, all three of us were pissing ourselves uncontrollably. Years later it's not got any less funny, the mere mention of 'the Aldgate fart' has the office in fits of laughter ...
My favourite game when I worked in town was to let a cheeky one go at the bottom of the tube escalator and then ride up looking back and "spotting the hits"Waiting with two colleagues one morning, one farted on the rammed tube platform, a proper belter amplified by the signage board he was leant against.
It seemed like half of London was down there and everyone had heard it. Next train came seconds later so we jumped on eager to escape the stares.
Doors closed and we set off. Then the most horrific smell gradually permeated the air in the carriage, the foul guff had delayed rolling down my mates leg until we were onboard! I looked around to see a poor guy trying to contain his retches, women trying to use the lapels on their coats as a filter to fend off the stench and one chap struggling furiously with the window at the end.
All this through my clouded vision as my eyes were full of tears of simultaneous embarrassment and laughter, all three of us were pissing ourselves uncontrollably. Years later it's not got any less funny, the mere mention of 'the Aldgate fart' has the office in fits of laughter ...
I must admit to a ‘cheeky one’ earlier in Tescos. I moved away quick but a combination of the jeans delay and movement tailwind meant it followed me. A mother and teenage son hove into view so I knelt down in a faux ‘I’m looking in detail at the lower shelf’ pose, only for the position to cause a larger eruption. So I stayed put.
The son accused the mother! As I discreetly left the aisle they were still in dispute with him determined it was her, and her blaming his poor manners that are apparently just like his fathers.
The son accused the mother! As I discreetly left the aisle they were still in dispute with him determined it was her, and her blaming his poor manners that are apparently just like his fathers.
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