Child Maintenance- Would You Grass Up Your Ex

[Fastchas]

After 6 years of separation and divorce from my wife who cheated on me and split the family, I've decided to make a go with my girlfriend of 3/4 years.
Up to now I've cared for my 2 boys 50% of the time. I used the equity (£45k) from the sale of the home to buy another property, she used her's for a failed business venture and has nothing left apart from a now barely worth it eBay shop which we built up together.
My GF and I have decided to go for it, sell both our houses (she owns hers outright) and buy another place together but this means me moving out of the area. My boys will stay with their Mom and get the Child Tax Credits but also now qualify for Child Maintenance from me.
I discussed the move with her and she's happy for me and the conversation was constructive.
However, she mentioned she would be moving soon into a 3-bed house and I suggested she waits till I move so she gets more money per month and can move to a nicer area/house. She would also be moving in with her partner, the one who broke up the family with her.
He earns £55k a year, she knows it would mean she wouldn't qualify for handouts, the same way my GF won't for her kids when I move in together with her (I earn £22k PA).
If she doesn't declare the situation she would be entitled to get circa £650pm in CTC plus £200pm maintenance from me.
Would you withhold the maintenance till she came clean with the arrangement or pay it regardless?
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to pay for my children and the thought of giving up my 13 & 7 year olds is very hard.
So...

Pay the maintenance regardless;
Withhold the maintenance until she declares? Why should she receive so much leaving me to struggle?
Grass her up if she doesn't declare?

Edited by Fastchas on Wednesday 26th July 12:01

[Fastchas]

Blown2CV said:

why do you know the details of the finances which she has not declared?

Anyone can get the details online what the entitlements are.
Nothing is definite yet, my GF and I havent sold up yet.
It's just the way the conversation went Monday night. The ex said "...and if I declare it I won't get a penny in CTC".
I hope she would declare it but maybe the thought of missing out on that £650pm would make her think twice.

[Fastchas]

Don1 said:

Blowing the whistle on the ex - will that cause more damage to the already fractured family dynamic? Especially with you moving away - it would be easy to get the message to the kids of 'Daddies going away and is also making our life worse'.

Better to hold it as a bargaining chip I'd say.

This is one thing I've thought about. Let it be and let her run the risk of being caught.
We always had a very good relationship. In fact, the GF can't stand it, she thinks it's abnormal and thinks it should be like her's with her ex, always fighting and getting nowhere!

[Fastchas]

austinsmirk said:

my wife works for the HMRC, occasionally has to deal with Tax credit.

If yr not honest, it catches up with you, they'll issue re-payments, bills etc.

she endlessly deals with people who swap/change/move ptrs in/out, change jobs and don't declare changes/incomes.

So the TC gets stopped, reduced, billed for.

People assume TC is an income stream. It can stop in a minute.


This isn't about grassing up/you/they/claimant whoever, has an obligation to be honest and inform.

I should have known this would bring you out of the woodwork to reply Austin! Your council thread posts are mostly her life now we're divorced and she's living in a 2-bed maisonette opposite cokehead mothers.

[Fastchas]

ZOLLAR said:

Fastchas said:

My stuff

Edited by Fastchas on Wednesday 26th July 12:01

Regarding the child maintenance is that a private agreement or through the CMS?
if through the CMS you won't be able to withhold it, if it's a private agreement then there's a good chance if you piss her off and withhold it she'll go through the CMS, based on what you've put in your post you're in a similar bracket bar the fact I don't see my childrene and I pay around £312 based on CMS calculations so it could cost you more by rocking the boat (even with overnight stays taken into account).

Has she said she won't be declaring it or have you assumed?

difficult position.

It would be a private agreement. I've been on their calculator and would pay slightly more of what they say but not pay their admin fees of 12%?
Of course it's all an assumption after what she came out with but money does strange things to people, or lack of it.

[Fastchas]

Blown2CV said:

i was more meaning the amount that her partner earns, how did you find that out? Did she just come out and tell you?

Yes. I was very surprised. He also has to keep another house wife his ex in it, has 4 kids, 2 of working age.

[Fastchas]

ShyTallKnight said:

Just to be clear. You haven't been paying her any CM since you split up..??

That's right. You may not know this but if you have joint parental custody then no maintenance is paid. I had 50% custody.
I had them 5 nights one week, then 2 nights the next week, continued like this since my youngest was 18 months old.

[Fastchas]

Something I am concerned about is upsetting the applecart. She might then alienate the boys aainst me or prevent me from seeing them (I doubt this though but again, money makes people do strange things).
We all know how hard it is for the courts to enforce fathers rights in these situations.

[Fastchas]

ShyTallKnight said:

Fastchas said:

That's right. You may not know this but if you have joint parental custody then no maintenance is paid. I had 50% custody.
I had them 5 nights one week, then 2 nights the next week, continued like this since my youngest was 18 months old.

Ah didnt realise you had been awarded joint parental custody.

Actually, they was no court order. We sorted it ourselves and just had it inserted in the divorce files.That's how we've always worked things out, no need for officialdom to interfer!
That's why I'm so unsure what to do, our relationship has been so easy I'm reluctant to upset everything.

[Fastchas]

deggles said:

loafer123 said:

Paul makes a very good point.

I am not happy about paying your ex some of my money that she is not entitled to.

This.

To be honest, I can't believe you can get paid £650/month by the state for having kids. I could lease a Quadrifoglio for that

I know. TBH, if her £650 was reduced to £450 by me paying her £200 then it might make more sense and I could understand it and not mind so much. Maintenance doesn't seem to come into the equation!

[Fastchas]

Oakey said:

Do you know for sure he earns £55k or is she just saying that to piss you off?

Who knows? I do know he's on good money though.
He also has a flat above a chip shop (classy) which he rents from his brother. What's to stop him using this as his residence but moving in with the ex full time?

[Fastchas]

Taita said:

I'm not happy subsidising your ex's lifestyle thanks

You could also keep the £650pcm (or as much as you can) and save it up for your kids so that you can give them a head start in life / house deposit etc.

I don't think you've read my post properly.
I'm not giving her £650pcm buddy.

[Fastchas]

lord trumpton said:

Just pay your dues and crack on with your own life.

Oh, just one more thing... You have decided to reduce the time you spend with your kids so that you can move house and area with your new bird?

Thanks for putting it like that but yeah, I guess you're right.
But it's no worse than other single dads who've found themselves in my position. I've been the best dad I can for 6 years and cared for them 50% of the time. Never shirked responsibility and I'm the only parent who's taken them away abroad. Even though she claims she can't afford it, it hasn't stopped her going abroad three times now with her fella.
My partner lives too far away to keep the 50% thing going as I won't be able to get them to school as I've done before.
Its not an easy decision for me.

[Fastchas]

GloverMart said:

Have I missed it or is there a reason your partner can't come to live in your area?

I met the GF on POF some years ago. She lives 20 miles away and has been in my boys lives for a good while now. She also has two girls, one 12 and one nearly 15. The 12yo is at grammar school in the area but has now chose to live with her dad (which we think won't last) and the 14yo is doing really well at her school, is head prefect girl and studying for her exams but has problems with her dad and hardly goes to his. I can't ask the GF to uproot her girls to come live with me.
They also live in a much better area than me and I wouldn't ask anyone to move from there to my city (Wolves).

My eldest boy is all his mum so won't be affected by the move so much. Spme weeks he says "Yeah, Dad, I'm stopping at mums tonight, see you tomorrow/next week".
The youngest is all me so it's a difficult choice. The ex is a good mum and I've no qualms really about her care (apart from them turning into chavs) but the youngest loves his brother so much I'm happy he'll be ok.

[Fastchas]

Hayek said:

Take your children with you and claim the appropriate CTC yourself?

Not an option. Why would I deny them seeing their mum? She has equal rights. This is my choice.

[Fastchas]

GloverMart said:

Thanks Fastchas for explaining that. Is there no way that you can work something out to still stay more involved in the kids lives. 20 miles isn't that far away, for some reason I thought it would be much further.

Oh, I intend to see them as much as reasonably possible. My boss will let me relocate to birmingham but travel to Wolves office 1-2 times a week. The preceding night I can have the boys and drop them off to school hopefully, although they will have to get up earlier.
The eldest won't like it, he gets up at 8.30am and rolls out of bed and into school 100 yards away from his mum's!

[Fastchas]

PostHeads123 said:

I'm still in shock on the amount of CTC for 2 kids, I had to look it to believe it, wow, wow

She works two days a week, she wouldn't get that much if she didn't work I think. Which is good in a way, it encourages people to work and helps them. As you earn more, the payments drop. Thing is, it gets to a point where it's not worth it to work more. My GF works 2.5 days pw, I've told her to work more if I'm to move in and she's opted for the extra day that's been offered and put herself forward for full-time in her office.
She will earn £1 less per month working for the extra day.