How Solid Really is Your Marriage
Discussion
Bit of an odd one for PH's especially when we read so many threads about divorce and of course going into the new year when some couples will be getting xmas out the way before it all kicks off.
The wife and i have been through thick and thin over the years although our marriage have never been in question and all that life has thrown at us has really made us stronger and we have been together well in excess of 20yrs.
I really believe that together we will cope with anything.
So how solid do we all really think our relationships are with all life can throw at us?
I'm hoping the new year isnt full of divorce stories !
The wife and i have been through thick and thin over the years although our marriage have never been in question and all that life has thrown at us has really made us stronger and we have been together well in excess of 20yrs.
I really believe that together we will cope with anything.
So how solid do we all really think our relationships are with all life can throw at us?
I'm hoping the new year isnt full of divorce stories !
mcbook said:
OP, I'd say similar to you. Not been married as long but have experienced highs and lows. As passes we get stronger, closer, more in love.
I can't imagine ever splitting. However, I'm not naive enough to guarantee it could never happen. All I can say is that it would take a cataclysmic event for me to even think about it.
Nice to have a thread that inspires reflection on the positives of marriage and let's us appreciate our relationships.
Well said and better put than me.I can't imagine ever splitting. However, I'm not naive enough to guarantee it could never happen. All I can say is that it would take a cataclysmic event for me to even think about it.
Nice to have a thread that inspires reflection on the positives of marriage and let's us appreciate our relationships.
We are clearly on the same page
For us its about being a TEAM no question.
We have a great relationship with our kids and are very open with them. They see us hold hands, kiss and cuddle as well as tell each other how much we love one another. Consequently the kids say "love you" regularly too.
We sit and have a glass of wine together too which is a great way to wind down and get everything out for a discussion.
I see other couples who have none of that and spend time at each others throats by not being able to compromise and not being able to focus on the important things in life such as family.
I find that sad and pointless
We have a great relationship with our kids and are very open with them. They see us hold hands, kiss and cuddle as well as tell each other how much we love one another. Consequently the kids say "love you" regularly too.
We sit and have a glass of wine together too which is a great way to wind down and get everything out for a discussion.
I see other couples who have none of that and spend time at each others throats by not being able to compromise and not being able to focus on the important things in life such as family.
I find that sad and pointless
Edited by FocusRS3 on Thursday 7th December 10:31
TVR Moneypit said:
Mrs Moneypit and I have been together for 15 years and married for 12 years this coming March. Spring chicken compared to many of you.
Without going into too many details, we've been through stuff that many couples would not.
She is my rock,my other half, my soul mate, my lover and my best friend. Between her and my daughter, they're the reasons why I get up in the morning. Without them, I'd be nothing. She's intelligent, charming, very funny, honest, hard working, kind, generous and a great mother. She's a fantastic cook, , sexy and beautiful, has a great figure and I love her more as each day passes. I am a lucky man. Most women would have dumped me a long time ago.
Oh, she also browses PH.
I guess the secret to it all has been one of mutual respect. Plus we're very much alike, so very rarely argue, and continue to make each other laugh. Yeah, the laughter is important I'd say.
Nice post Without going into too many details, we've been through stuff that many couples would not.
She is my rock,my other half, my soul mate, my lover and my best friend. Between her and my daughter, they're the reasons why I get up in the morning. Without them, I'd be nothing. She's intelligent, charming, very funny, honest, hard working, kind, generous and a great mother. She's a fantastic cook, , sexy and beautiful, has a great figure and I love her more as each day passes. I am a lucky man. Most women would have dumped me a long time ago.
Oh, she also browses PH.
I guess the secret to it all has been one of mutual respect. Plus we're very much alike, so very rarely argue, and continue to make each other laugh. Yeah, the laughter is important I'd say.
md4776 said:
It's nice to read the stories. I feel my relationship is straining and stretching the other way, getting thinner and thinner. Ironically like my hair line, still there, just not as full as it used to be.
Double digit years together with a young kid. We seem to co exist more than anything else these days. I can see if it remains this way then the writings on the wall but I'm not sure how to prevent it. I've tried to talk to her on it but nothing seems to be met with much of a response. It's always been the way that there's a bit of a role reversal with us; shes much less likely to tell me how she feels or instigate any affectionate gestures. A few months ago I stopped as well and she doesnt appear to have even noticed.
Actually feels slightly better to have written it out as the words have been trapped in my head until now.
My wife isnt 'touchy feely' affectionate its me that does that and initiates cuddles but she is extremely thoughtful in other ways plus she is an amazing mother and wife.Double digit years together with a young kid. We seem to co exist more than anything else these days. I can see if it remains this way then the writings on the wall but I'm not sure how to prevent it. I've tried to talk to her on it but nothing seems to be met with much of a response. It's always been the way that there's a bit of a role reversal with us; shes much less likely to tell me how she feels or instigate any affectionate gestures. A few months ago I stopped as well and she doesnt appear to have even noticed.
Actually feels slightly better to have written it out as the words have been trapped in my head until now.
For a while it bugged me that she didn't also do the affection stuff but i wasnt looking at the bigger picture really and then the kids came along so her affections and attention was divided further.
Its hard when you want to sit down and talk things through but you are met with a brick wall. Perseverance may well work on that front as she cant ignore it forever.
Good luck
C0ffin D0dger said:
Tough one really, married 8 years just and together for 12 years, at times when she's got one on her I wonder to myself as to why I put up with this sh*t and how it would be if I just left?
I often find myself thinking back to simpler times when the only person that needed looking after was me, how easy that was, how easy it was to spend time doing stuff I wanted to do, and wonder why I gave that up. But then we have two wonderful children (4&6) and I know if Mum and Dad weren't together it would be so bad for them. Realistically the good times massively outweigh the bad and I'm sure we'll still be together long after the kids have flown the nest but who knows. There is always the niggle and I sometimes fantasise about her committing some sort of infidelity which would without a doubt end our marriage but at least I'd come away from it smelling of roses. Very unlikely to happen though as she has pretty strong morals around these sorts of issues.
Sensible head on the thought of splitting horrifies me because what if it was a massive mistake on my part and that actually I wanted to be back together but she didn't. The financial side of it doesn't bear thinking about either, e.g. giving away half the pension that I've worked long and hard for.
Lots to consider there! I often find myself thinking back to simpler times when the only person that needed looking after was me, how easy that was, how easy it was to spend time doing stuff I wanted to do, and wonder why I gave that up. But then we have two wonderful children (4&6) and I know if Mum and Dad weren't together it would be so bad for them. Realistically the good times massively outweigh the bad and I'm sure we'll still be together long after the kids have flown the nest but who knows. There is always the niggle and I sometimes fantasise about her committing some sort of infidelity which would without a doubt end our marriage but at least I'd come away from it smelling of roses. Very unlikely to happen though as she has pretty strong morals around these sorts of issues.
Sensible head on the thought of splitting horrifies me because what if it was a massive mistake on my part and that actually I wanted to be back together but she didn't. The financial side of it doesn't bear thinking about either, e.g. giving away half the pension that I've worked long and hard for.
mcbook said:
I'm quite shocked by these posts. The man should expect to get his dinner made every night and the woman should provide bedroom activity, as if it's some kind of duty. What does the woman get out of these relationships? Housekeeping money and exclusive use of the hoover?
Think you make a good point.My wife and i where possible share everything when im not working although she does the cooking as im horrendous.
I dread to think of what would happen if i told her it was my right for her to cook and clean for me and to be able to swing my leg wherever i dictate
SpeckledJim said:
It's not a black and white issue, of course.
But I'm sure that ladies with low sex drives withholding all action from their gentlemen for months or years on end is the cause of a lot of marriage breakdowns.
Because from the man's perspective with sex comes intimacy (and from the woman's perspective with intimacy comes sex, or not) so without sex, a bloke can start thinking along the lines of 'my housemate isn't much fun'... and if the wife becomes the housemate, then there's a problem.
Yes this is very true. Intimacy has to be a part of a relationship IMO But I'm sure that ladies with low sex drives withholding all action from their gentlemen for months or years on end is the cause of a lot of marriage breakdowns.
Because from the man's perspective with sex comes intimacy (and from the woman's perspective with intimacy comes sex, or not) so without sex, a bloke can start thinking along the lines of 'my housemate isn't much fun'... and if the wife becomes the housemate, then there's a problem.
Ninja59 said:
Met in early 2015, married in June this year.
Both very happy and very chilled. In a sense we are quite different we very different interests, but we think very much alike. She is my best friend and always there to support me like I am for her. We like many other couples have had our moments, but we both soon forget about it and realise why we ended up arguing.
I would never be without her, but we work well as a team. 2017 has been a very tough year mentally for both of us, beyond just the wedding. Loosing my job in early Feb really tested our relationship, but she was there every day for me through it all (end result is I found a nicer job with more involvement and direction - slightly longer hours accepted).
This kind of stuff is important to have lived through and made you stringer. Its also shown you how committed your wife is to you.Both very happy and very chilled. In a sense we are quite different we very different interests, but we think very much alike. She is my best friend and always there to support me like I am for her. We like many other couples have had our moments, but we both soon forget about it and realise why we ended up arguing.
I would never be without her, but we work well as a team. 2017 has been a very tough year mentally for both of us, beyond just the wedding. Loosing my job in early Feb really tested our relationship, but she was there every day for me through it all (end result is I found a nicer job with more involvement and direction - slightly longer hours accepted).
We went through a very stressful work related situation which worked out well in the end but she was there for my every fall and i had a few.
Has puts lots into perspective for us.
We enjoy a cheap bottle of wine and food indoors whilst having a good natter rather than trying to 'Lord' it in swanky restaurants in a plastic relationship all made for show.
She could dress in total rags and will always be the woman for me
ttier the reality really is. If you're truly happy you don't have to show off about itTumbler said:
This year has been tough for us, my mum passed away which has seen a challenge to her Will which includes some horrific allegations, I've been diagnosed with a rare, aggressive incurable cancer, this has resulted in us having some conversations we never expected to have. He has been a rock through my surgery and chemo, physically and emotionally I've changed a lot, but his love has been constant.
My husband is step father to my daughters and we've been planning how he will convey my wishes at certain points in their lives that I'm unlikely to be around for. I'm thankful that we have him in our lives and that I can trust him to stand by them when I'm gone.
Tumbler my thoughts are with you and your family.My husband is step father to my daughters and we've been planning how he will convey my wishes at certain points in their lives that I'm unlikely to be around for. I'm thankful that we have him in our lives and that I can trust him to stand by them when I'm gone.
I have read some of your other posts and was hoping for better news.
You have a solid relationship with your Husband and he has proven to be a man of greatness no question
Sheepshanks said:
It's lucky you haven't got a proper job. 
But seriously, I just don't know how it's supposed to work for couples with time-demanding jobs who want kids.
Equally some cant stand too much time together and need their jobs to come home and have something to talk about.But seriously, I just don't know how it's supposed to work for couples with time-demanding jobs who want kids.
The wife and i can do everything together so ive no concern if i ever (pray to god) get the chance to retire.
toddler said:
Together for 30 years, married for 20. If I’m honest, I don’t think I love my wife anymore. We have very little in common now apart from the kids. We’ve both changed so much over the last 20 years. I know she knows I’m not happy, my face has a way of giving me away, but when she asks what’s wrong I tell her I’m not happy at work or I’m feeling crappy. She doesn’t push it because I don’t think she wants to hear the truth. I don’t want to hurt her so I plod on pretending everything’s okay. Thoreau could have been talking about me when he wrote: “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
How old are your kids?Plenty of couples break as soon as the kids have flown the next which is pretty sad IMO
jamesv81 said:
Out of 10 probably a 2, maybe a 1. I don't think we are a proper couple any more tbh.
Been together 15 years married 10, no kids.
She hates me with a passion, but we own our own business which we started after uni and does well and we were happy for the first 10 years or so.
But the last 5 have been hard, very hard. Business is fine but she has problems. She has driven my friends and family away. Sad situation to find yourself in given 10 years ago I had a great social life and now I have not seen anyone for several years. I would love to start again but I will basically be throwing away 15 years of hard work. I already know it would be a case of stacking shelves for the rest of my life.
Christmas is always a bad time as we basically just sit there for a few days, she will get p*ssed off her head most of the time.
Would it not be possible to separate amicably as it sounds like you both feel the same and just be business partners ? Been together 15 years married 10, no kids.
She hates me with a passion, but we own our own business which we started after uni and does well and we were happy for the first 10 years or so.
But the last 5 have been hard, very hard. Business is fine but she has problems. She has driven my friends and family away. Sad situation to find yourself in given 10 years ago I had a great social life and now I have not seen anyone for several years. I would love to start again but I will basically be throwing away 15 years of hard work. I already know it would be a case of stacking shelves for the rest of my life.
Christmas is always a bad time as we basically just sit there for a few days, she will get p*ssed off her head most of the time.
No kids involved makes it a whole pile easier
Bobberoo99 said:
There are some fantastically open responses on here, like many others we have recently been through very hard times, mine admittedly 11 years ago when a new manager started where I worked, was ok to begin with then we had an argument and he turned on me, spent the next 9 months making my life hell, we had a large mortgage and other debts and I was terrified of what was going to happen, and more terrified of letting my wife down, she sat me down and made me tell her everything, then promptly declared "Right the house goes on the market this weekend, we pay everything off and move into rented accommodation, you find a job you're happy with then we'll see where we are!!" It was a huge relief for me!!
Last year it was my wife's turn for me to support her, in 18 months she has lost her dad, been bullied at work and had a break down, her mum completely and utterly lost the plot in February and has since been diagnosed first with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder and now terminal bowel cancer, through all this the one thing which has kept us going is our ability to support each other, talk things through no matter how difficult and find LOVE and laughter TOGETHER!
Tumbler my thoughts are with you and your family, everyone else, this is what support and friendship looks like, being able to air your problems and have others help you.
We are also fortunate that we have fiends who are also a couple who have been incredibly supportive.
Great post and wise words Last year it was my wife's turn for me to support her, in 18 months she has lost her dad, been bullied at work and had a break down, her mum completely and utterly lost the plot in February and has since been diagnosed first with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder and now terminal bowel cancer, through all this the one thing which has kept us going is our ability to support each other, talk things through no matter how difficult and find LOVE and laughter TOGETHER!
Tumbler my thoughts are with you and your family, everyone else, this is what support and friendship looks like, being able to air your problems and have others help you.
We are also fortunate that we have fiends who are also a couple who have been incredibly supportive.
BryanC said:
My threepenn'th for what its worth
My wife died suddenly and very unexpectedly nearly 9 years ago after 36 years of happy marriage apart from the usual odd domestic tiff now and again. It was only when she was gone did I realise I think that I might have taken her very much for granted and now I wish I had thought differently.
As an aside, the biggest trauma I had was when she once found a lady's ear-ring in my car foot-well, not hers, and I had absolutely no idea where it came from. A lady passenger car-sharing going to a job or picked up by a shoe - who knows but such things could easily break down trust. It never went any further thankfully.
A couple of weeks ago I met an old lady friend friend from years back, her twice divorced and two other failed relationships under-foot and we talked about how things could have been different with what we know now. She insisted a 50/50 relationship was right but I repeated that if you approach things 60/40 and put more into a relationship than you expect to get out, then you won't go far wrong.
I still think its a good rule to follow.
That must be incredibly hard after 36yrs of marriage . My wife died suddenly and very unexpectedly nearly 9 years ago after 36 years of happy marriage apart from the usual odd domestic tiff now and again. It was only when she was gone did I realise I think that I might have taken her very much for granted and now I wish I had thought differently.
As an aside, the biggest trauma I had was when she once found a lady's ear-ring in my car foot-well, not hers, and I had absolutely no idea where it came from. A lady passenger car-sharing going to a job or picked up by a shoe - who knows but such things could easily break down trust. It never went any further thankfully.
A couple of weeks ago I met an old lady friend friend from years back, her twice divorced and two other failed relationships under-foot and we talked about how things could have been different with what we know now. She insisted a 50/50 relationship was right but I repeated that if you approach things 60/40 and put more into a relationship than you expect to get out, then you won't go far wrong.
I still think its a good rule to follow.
Did you have kids together ?
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