Living with a woman - good idea?

[Ari]

It's a genuine question. I lived with a woman when I was twenty for a few years, it didn't work out - she was very lazy. Once she'd 'got me' she gave up making any effort at all toward the relationship, or life in general.

Since then I've dated and I've had relationships, the longest for eight years, but we never quite got to living together in the same house, either I was at hers or she was at mine.

Now I'm starting to get on a bit I'm beginning to think, maybe it would be nice. Share life, share finances, share the good times and the bad. After all, more people do it than don't.

But then more people read the Daily Mail than The Times, doesn't make the Mail a better choice.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about the no doubt extremely thin and very pretty young psychopaths that so many Pistonheaders seem to enjoy marrying, having children with and then expensively divorcing. I'm talking about reasonably attractive, reasonably normal, middle aged women. (Well, just the one...)

In fact I'm not necessarily talking about getting married at all, just living with someone rather than living alone.

Anyone done it later in life (say in the late forties or fifties) and had it work out well?

Or are we just too set in our ways once we're well into middle age?

[Ari]

oilbethere said:

Stay as you are. Why complicate life?

Fair point, but why not enhance it?

The big unanswerable (except on Pistonheads where there are always plenty of answers) question is though - would it?

[Ari]

cossy400 said:

Secure all your assets, and then jump in, at least then if she mental you might get to keep something.

If you don't marry them this isn't an issue though surely?

And anyway, if she's a sane sorted intelligent woman, chances are she'll have a few assets of her own.

I'm not worried about the financials, as I said, I'm not planning to marry some stick thin airhead half my age that see's me as a 'good prospect', I'm more interested in a normal relationship with a normal woman.

Question is, have I left it too late for the whole living together thing?

[Ari]

hyphen said:

Why didn't any of the others move in?

Fair question. Either the relationships never quite got that far, or (like with the lady I was with the longest), she had kids, they had a dad (who they spent 50% of their time with - not all women are controlling SWT), and it was just easier for her to spend time with me when the kids were at their dads, and then I'd be either at my house alone or the occasional night at hers rather than upsetting the family dynamic.

We had holidays with the kids and stuff, I didn't keep them at arms length, I think we just kind of thought that living together would be something we did once they'd grown up. Unfortunately they never did, and the behaviour of one in particular became worse and worse, made even more untenable for me by her refusing to deal with it, in fact quite the reverse, she facilitated it. It got so I couldn't stand by and watch her willingly be emotionally abused by a very badly behaved supposed 'young adult' anymore...

[Ari]

mintybiscuit said:

Meh...!
Get yourself a gay male lodger.

You know, I often think that gay men probably have it the most sorted of all. Far more chance of being on the same emotional wavelength, no 'accidental' pregnancies to worry about, chances are a similar attitude toward sex and whatnot.

However you do actually have to be gay for that to work, which isn't something you can just choose to be...

[Ari]

PurpleMoonlight said:

You move in with her, not her with you.

Your rent out your property.

Do not by a property jointly,

Do not marry.

Otherwise, enjoy.

I get the ‘do not marry’ and ‘do not buy a property jointly’ to some extent, guess it would make it harder to unwind things if it didn’t work out.

But why does it matter who moves into who’s property?

[Ari]

KrazyIvan said:

You want a well rounded, down to earth, good looking, intelligent middle age women, who isn't a psycho and presumably without out a lot of baggage..........good look with your search, I think you might need it.

Everyone has baggage at this age, something wrong if they haven’t.

[Ari]

hairyben said:

precisely, when you're talking about people who for whatever reason haven't achieved the normal pairing society expects, a few quirks at the least should be anticipated and given time and space if its to have any chance of working...

Seems an odd question to put to the panel though given the individual nature of circumstances.

Them, or me?

If them, well there are plenty of women out there who have 'achieved the normal pairing' but are no longer 'paired'.

[Ari]

Bill said:

What would he have to compromise and give up?


(And IME a dog is a lot more hassle as they don't exercise and feed themselves, and I've never had to follow my wife around with a plastic bag in case she sts in the park*)




*Who knows, maybe you'd enjoy that...

Totally agree about the dog, can think of little worse than living with a hairy smelly animal in the house that consumes money, time and effort, forces you out in the cold and the rain and completely ties you with regards to travelling or being away from home for other reasons unless you take the thing with you.

And that's before you even consider having to bend over in the street to pick up warm faeces to then carry around with you until you find a way of disposing of them...

Horrible.

[Ari]

iphonedyou said:

Ari said:

no 'accidental' pregnancies to worry about

That's as much a council thing as a sexuality thing.

Maybe, although I fear you discount the strength of the 'ticking clock' in thirty something women. I suspect there's been many a 'happy surprise', council or otherwise, that wasn't quite as much of a surprise for one party as they're making out...

But either way, it's not something gay men (or women for that matter) ever have to worry about.

[Ari]

chow pan toon said:

In the paranoid world inhabited by a large proportion of the blokes on here, a woman living with you gets the right to half your house pretty much immediately (unless you issue her a rent book).

Regarding your question, only you can answer. You may both have quirks from living on your own but nothing ventured nothing gained. If one of you moves into the oth3r's house and rents their own out you get to try it out and if it doesn't work out then you have a mechanism to unwind the arrangement.

Ah, the old 'Common Law Wife' myth.

Agreed it's hard for anyone else to answer, but I figured there might be a few examples of people who have done it. I always feel it's best to learn from other people's mistakes if possible!

[Ari]

Torcars said:

I eventually met THE one in my mid 30s. 13 years on and I know moving in and marrying her was the best thing I ever did. The love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend. All the clichés, but all very much true. I'd be lost without her.

See, there must be upsides occasionally, otherwise why does everyone do it?

Sharing life, problems, joy, two incomes coming into one home, two people sharing the housework, cooking, gardening, etc etc.

There must be some advantages surely..?

[Ari]

Robbo 27 said:

Yup.

I know someone who took their lead froma film or a book and makes it very clear from the first date is going to have a life of a maximum of 2 months. If it is not okay with the girl then no second date.

Not one girl moves in full time.

He says it works well.

As long as you're happy with women who have very little self respect then I guess 'I'd just like to fk you for a few weeks and then ditch you' probably does work well!