End of tether with our son
Discussion
Anyone with the same problem?
Son is 15 and 6’2”. Lives with his mum and completely controls her. He steals her money by nicking her card, lies and hardly ever goes to school.
He has a brother and sister who are both suffering from being in a toxic home environment.
As he’s better when being looked after by me, I have left my home in the countryside and my nearby girlfriend to move back to London and live in a pokey flat in order to be around to help.
Thing is it has got to a point that he won’t even respond to me.
He was bullied in his first 2 years of secondary school and by 14, and at his request we moved him from that private school to the same state school that his younger brother is in.
For the beginning of his first term, the start of his GCSEs, everything seemed fine but then he would refuse to go in, citing the usual youth guff of what’s the point of school etc etc
Shame is, he’s a very bright lad, got a good Saturday job and started to save his wages which he bought a PS4 with but......
Now he’s on it from getting up till the early hours. His mum takes it away or turns off the wifi if he won’t get off it, refuse to go to school or is very rude to her.
He will then taunt her and get into a rage and start smashing the house up. The place is a wreck thanks just to his efforts.
His mum is broken. He was such a gentle lad but now a monster. We believe he is being bullied again despite his size but he refuses to snitch. We also think he’s depressed.
His only friends seem to be out there in PS4 land where he just yells obscenities into his mouthpiece.
We are going to try to get him to our GP on Monday. The School appear not to be bothered despite his constant absences.
It is an abusive relationship but as she’s his mum, she can’t run away.
Son is 15 and 6’2”. Lives with his mum and completely controls her. He steals her money by nicking her card, lies and hardly ever goes to school.
He has a brother and sister who are both suffering from being in a toxic home environment.
As he’s better when being looked after by me, I have left my home in the countryside and my nearby girlfriend to move back to London and live in a pokey flat in order to be around to help.
Thing is it has got to a point that he won’t even respond to me.
He was bullied in his first 2 years of secondary school and by 14, and at his request we moved him from that private school to the same state school that his younger brother is in.
For the beginning of his first term, the start of his GCSEs, everything seemed fine but then he would refuse to go in, citing the usual youth guff of what’s the point of school etc etc
Shame is, he’s a very bright lad, got a good Saturday job and started to save his wages which he bought a PS4 with but......
Now he’s on it from getting up till the early hours. His mum takes it away or turns off the wifi if he won’t get off it, refuse to go to school or is very rude to her.
He will then taunt her and get into a rage and start smashing the house up. The place is a wreck thanks just to his efforts.
His mum is broken. He was such a gentle lad but now a monster. We believe he is being bullied again despite his size but he refuses to snitch. We also think he’s depressed.
His only friends seem to be out there in PS4 land where he just yells obscenities into his mouthpiece.
We are going to try to get him to our GP on Monday. The School appear not to be bothered despite his constant absences.
It is an abusive relationship but as she’s his mum, she can’t run away.
Edited by croyde on Sunday 21st January 09:10
DuraAce said:
Gecko1978 said:
Oh an if he smashed the house up ebay the ps4 ffs its your house s
t has to be paid for so he looses the ps4 simple as that.
Actions have consequences as they say. I'd flog it in a heartbeat. t has to be paid for so he looses the ps4 simple as that.He needs rules and boundaries. I dread to think what would've happened to me at that age, had I behaved like that.
But it's about the only way his mum can make him, some of the time, to go to school.
He doesn't go, she takes it off him.
I have given him the army interview sans coffee as suggested, but it has little effect.
I'd gladly pack him off to a boarding school but day school costs were crippling enough.
I know he's deeply unhappy but seems unable or unwilling to explain what's going on.
Thanks e30m3 and Justinio I'm at work at the moment, have been since 1am, and one of the guys here was similar as a teen then he discovered karate.
Still does it 20 years later.
I did think boxing. Trouble is getting him to go out and do it.
At his private school he got into rowing on the Thames and even came in top 10 of his age group in the UK indoor rowing at the Olympic Park.
But then he stopped going saying he only did it cos we wanted him to do it.
That wasn't true. He trained and even ate a good diet. All his idea. He got taller and stronger and started to get a good physique.
But then gave up.
Still does it 20 years later.
I did think boxing. Trouble is getting him to go out and do it.
At his private school he got into rowing on the Thames and even came in top 10 of his age group in the UK indoor rowing at the Olympic Park.
But then he stopped going saying he only did it cos we wanted him to do it.
That wasn't true. He trained and even ate a good diet. All his idea. He got taller and stronger and started to get a good physique.
But then gave up.
Edited by croyde on Sunday 21st January 09:54
jimPH said:
Can anyone else sense the irony of chastising him for excessive use of the PlayStation, while asking for advice on an internet forum, of which the advice is to "do an activity in the real world"
Sorry to hear about your issue with your son though, hope you can work it out.
I can Sorry to hear about your issue with your son though, hope you can work it out.
but everywhere real is closed on SundayAlucidnation said:
Of course they are.
They need the fear of God drummed into them.
Oops, probably shouldn't say that.
I'm the OP and boy! do I agree with that. They need the fear of God drummed into them.
Oops, probably shouldn't say that.
I went to school in the 60s/70s and the teachers were tough, the sports teachers even tougher, my parents were loving yet quick to punish and we were scared of the police.
I am a polite, clever and decent person who cares about others.
Worked for me.
We never agreed on parenting. She was soft and spoilt them, I was fun yet stern.
Kids stayed with their mum and there has always been trouble.
They stay with me and sure they misbehave but nowhere to the level that they do with her.
Antony Moxey said:
Perhaps he needs to stay with you more often and for longer periods. If for nothing else other than to give his poor mother a break.
That is hopefully the plan as after all I've given up an awful lot in order to be living locally. Missing my cottage in the country and my girlfriend.
Thanks people for listening and writing all sorts of good ideas and advice.
Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
This happened in his last school. Bullied badly for his first 2 years of secondary. School were ineffective in dealing with it despite us going in many times.
In the end I had had enough and told him to belt them back.
He did and won but then the school treated him harshly yet didn't touch the bully.
It was a private school and the bully was their top rugby player.
In the end I had had enough and told him to belt them back.
He did and won but then the school treated him harshly yet didn't touch the bully.
It was a private school and the bully was their top rugby player.
2 long meetings with heads of various depts at his school today.
Good to see teachers that care and willing to give their much valued time, and this is a state school. His private school was feking useless.
Various plans in place so lets just hope me and his mum can work together to make sure he sticks to them.
Next stop, our GP. A good health check needed just in case anything is out of kilter like say, his thyroid.
The more he behaves and toes the line, the more chances I get to pop down to the country maybe once a week.
Good to see teachers that care and willing to give their much valued time, and this is a state school. His private school was feking useless.
Various plans in place so lets just hope me and his mum can work together to make sure he sticks to them.
Next stop, our GP. A good health check needed just in case anything is out of kilter like say, his thyroid.
The more he behaves and toes the line, the more chances I get to pop down to the country maybe once a week.
OP here, yes he can.
That's what gets me. He's very clever, top band in school currently, but just wasting his chances.
Took him and his younger brother away to North Wales for half term.
Spent the first half in a house in a valley, middle of nowhere with my girlfriend and her kid.
No telly or Internet. The kids almost immediately resorted to games. Hide and seek was a fav even with my hulking great 15 year old.
Evens by the fire playing cards, long days exploring the area thus meant everyone fast asleep before 10pm.
I think we need an EMP over the UK and destroy the Internet. Better times for all especially the kids.
We moved on to a hotel in Llandudno. As soon as my 2 saw the WiFi code I lost them.
Back to bloody hard work dragging them out of the room.
Things seem to have got worse.
Still won't go to school, only interested in the PS4. His mother keeps giving in so I've just driven round, walked in and taken the internet connection. I wanted the PS4 but he's hidden it and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose my temper.
School are now talking home visits and possibly collecting him. I think that means social workers.
A great end to bringing the boy up, happy, safe, loved and warm.
I am really sick of it as it's effecting his mother badly as well as me and his brothers and sisters. A very unhappy household. Pretty sad.
Still won't go to school, only interested in the PS4. His mother keeps giving in so I've just driven round, walked in and taken the internet connection. I wanted the PS4 but he's hidden it and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose my temper.
School are now talking home visits and possibly collecting him. I think that means social workers.
A great end to bringing the boy up, happy, safe, loved and warm.
I am really sick of it as it's effecting his mother badly as well as me and his brothers and sisters. A very unhappy household. Pretty sad.
Dinoboy said:
You seem more concerned with your girlfriend and getting away to Europe to be honest. I'm sure you wouldn't of started the thread if you didn't care but it comes across like its a bit of an inconvenience.
Far from it mate. maybe you haven't read the whole thread.I gave up my life with my girlfriend and my lovely life in the country to come back and help. It has cost me thousands, it has made me very depressed plus my scooter got stolen, all in the 4 weeks that I have been back.
My ex wife split with me 9 years ago and I have had a krappy time of it, including a heart attack, but still I know that my kids are my responsibility, so I am back.
I think my girlfriend wants out, as I have basically abandoned her and the 'trip' to Europe is a job, my only work this week and possibly this month, I'd rather not go, but it will pay me money I badly need for rent that I can't afford.
This is not a bit of an inconvenience.
Edited by croyde on Tuesday 20th February 15:34
That's an idea, a good one. Means me not seeing much of my other 2 though.
Would have to see if girlfriend is happy with that too. She has a 5 year old who she won't want any bad influences around.
I think I have a 6 month get out clause in this flat. Hope so. Means another 5 months but that's not an eternity.
Moving a kid during his GSCEs is not a good idea but considering he's not going to school anyway.
Unfortunately boarding school is out. We were having problems at his last school which was private. Not going in to that one as well.
The costs were crippling financially.
Would have to see if girlfriend is happy with that too. She has a 5 year old who she won't want any bad influences around.
I think I have a 6 month get out clause in this flat. Hope so. Means another 5 months but that's not an eternity.
Moving a kid during his GSCEs is not a good idea but considering he's not going to school anyway.
Unfortunately boarding school is out. We were having problems at his last school which was private. Not going in to that one as well.
The costs were crippling financially.
smifffymoto said:
My son was like that,he has just been put on anti depressants and is now starting to become the son we used to have.
My daughter has been on anti depressants since her 18th birthday, they have worked wonders.May I ask how old your son was when he started on medication?
PM me if you don't want to put it on here.
Thanks
Johnniem said:
but I could pretty much take care of a house by the time I was 14. She actually showed me then expected me to do what was required to be part of a household. Still hate her but much of what I learned was useful and made me a useful adult with consideration for others that I shared space with.
I was 13, I think, when my mum and dad divorced around 1974. I was the eldest of 3 and we stayed with my mum. I had to shop and look after my little brother, in fact even before they divorced, I have memories (not good one's ) of helping him on the loo when he was only little.I shan't remind him of that now as he's a lot bigger than me and in his late 40s.
We were no way well off and my mum struggled and did hit the booze and depression for a while.
She and my dad taught us the value of things and hard work.
I left school at 16 and have worked ever since, I'm now in my 50s.
Meanwhile my ex-wife, who's parents also divorced at a young age, was brought up in a very well off household. Private school and boarding school, amazing holidays and did not learn the value of anything.
Every time she got into debt, and I'm talking 10s of 1000s, her mum would bail her out. She still does.
So when we split and the kids stayed with her, they learned her ways. They have got whatever they wanted and go on numerous expensive holidays a year in some cases yet tell me that they do prefer my holidays. Camping, Norfolk Broads, a free house in Wales, cos I can't afford anything flash
Ipad gets smashed after 2 months, it get's replaced. Laptop get's slept on during night, a new one is bought. Not any ordinary laptop but always a Macbook Air.
Phones are always iPhones, which are often lost or broken.
So I'm back and having to deal with all this. Spoilt bratty kids, one of whom is rapidly turning into a bad 'un.
So, yep, to the point of the above quoted, they do sod all around the house but when they come to mine they are submitted to a barrage of shouts and orders last heard during National Service.
BTW when I say I'm back, I have seen them at least once a week whilst I was living away.
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