Modern toilets cannot cope

[colin_p]

In the olden days a proper bog would have a large splashdown area minimising pan stripe'age, would have a cistern with a goodly amount of water and the best ones would have a cistern at eye level with a chain on the side which really had oomph. More often than not having crap was flush and go affair.

I think toilet design was handed over to women in about 1995 as they are simply cannot cope anymore. Instead of having a large splashdown area they have a shelf with a tiny splasdown spot with little or no capacity. Today I made a deposit on one such bog and managed to break the surface of the water which was a quite pleasing accomplishment despite the crap crapper.

Flushing. I know it is all about saving water but if you have to flush the damned thing three or four times it really defeats the object of the exercise, not to mention the time wasted waiting for the damned thing to fill back up with water. They also have a poor distribution of water around the pan which means more brushing. On an old bog, no matter how large a flock of starlings was unleashed, were washed away and stripe'age was minimal.

I of course blame the EU for this (issueing some Red Dwarf Space Corps type directive about toilets, probably) but soon we will be able to sort out our own s**t once again. I cannot wait.

[colin_p]

Integroo said:

Blaming women and the EU without any evidence whatsoever. You sound pleasant.

I blame both at the same time but mainly the EU who can always be trusted to do the least common sense thing possible. Add women into that equation, especially ones who do teeny weeny fairy dust sized plops and you will end up with crappers that simply cannot cope.

It wastes every mans time and a whole lot of water.

I didn't vote for that.

[colin_p]

As the OP it warms my heart to know that I'm not alone thinking and knowing modern bogs being crap. From of the anecdotes I've read have literally had me in tears and put my own efforts to shame.

What is worrying though is that there have been some Betas posting who maybe are unsure how to crap like a champion. Hopefully with the help all you fellow Alpha crappers we can help the Beta crappers DOMINATE the toilet.

Genrally;

1, Never rush, it is perfectly acceptble to spend at least 45 minutes having a proper clear out.

2, Sit on the pot until you get pins and needles but not so badly that you collapse on the floor when you stand up.

3, Never pass the time on the pot with a smartphone playing candycrush. Instead take a Haynes manual or 1997 (or older and even more out of date) AA road atlas in there and learn something. Smartphones are ok at work but only if you play "World of Tanks".

At home;

4, If you are unsure if your toilet is a modern problem one and are unable to produce the neccessary, go to the chip shop buy half a dozen savaloys, three tubs of mushy peas, three tubs of curry sauce and a chicken and mushroom pie. When you get home combine all of the stuff from the chippy into a bucket except the chiken and mushroom pie, eat that as they are lush. Stir it all up in the bucket and then horse the whole lot down the toilet pan in one go. Behold the mess for a few moments and then try and flush it away. A crap crapper will not be able to do this in one go.

5, Never crap at home if you can help it. There is nothing more joyous than crapping and being paid for it at work. Well built company director types may raise an eyebrow at this but we all know that they have clever accountants who make sure their crapping time is tax deductable so don't give s**t about their raised eyebrows.

At work;

6, This is where your crapping can make a massive difference and lead to fast promotions and pay rises.

7, Dominate the bogs, always chose trap one, never hide away in the corner in trap four.

8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!

9, Quite often others will enter the bogs to use the urinals and are hit square in the face by the stinking brown cloud. Never stay in the trap and wait until they have gone. Wipe [*] as neccessary, pull your cacks up fling open the door and head off to the sinks to wash your hands without a care in the world. Always use eight plus paper hand towels to dry your hands and pull them out of the dispenser in one clump.


I'm sure other Alpha crappers will have many more helpful tips to add.


[*] A note on wiping; the holy grail is to achieve the "Ace" where you wipe once and don't need to do so again as the paper is clean. As with any type of holy grail event, these are quite rare.

[colin_p]

The Nur said:

colin_p said:

*assorted wisdom*

You forgot something.

To truly assert your dominance, leave the door open at all times and if possible, conduct a conversation with an unsuspecting fellow user of the facilities. Maintain constant eye contact.

This is work I'm talking about, not prison.

[colin_p]

FN2TypeR said:

DoctorX said:

Our work bog has no windows and PIR activated lights with a 10 minute timer. The sensor is out of range of the trap. Total darkness. bds.

I feel your pain; internet browsing on my mobile phone has often ended in said darkness

I'd consult with the firms passionate health and safety gremlim (every H&S gremlim I've ever been lectured by about H&S always insists that they are "passionate" about H&S but that is a whole other thread) and record a "near miss" in the accident book. The scope for dead-pan comedy is infiniite and it could indeed be a death pan if you slip over and crack yer bonce open on it.

Perhaps you could use the opportunity, in conjunction with the passionate gremlim, to do a health and safety presentation about. A fully featured powerpoint with photos with the Macc Lads song, "Dan's big log" playing in the background. And pepper with Star Trek jokes about the Captains log and Number One being ordered to take a number two et al.

Failing that you could do a health and safety "moment" at the start of a meeting as is the trend these days and call it "Trapped in trap one".

[colin_p]

Swanny87 said:

Don't forget you'll glue nice shiny blue passports as well!

I've never given any thought to eating a passport.

Up and down the land, any self respecting Brexit voting Alpha will at the first opportunity be wiping their arse with the old maroon ones though.

[edit] Talking of which, areoplane toilets. Do it right and you will quickly find yourself Dominating a 747.

Edited by colin_p on Thursday 15th March 13:00

[colin_p]

gottans said:

Apparently you can find pointers to help you select an appropriate toilet from here.

http://www.map-testing.com/consumer-household-toil...

An epic thread for many reasons.

Nice link.

I've never ever eaten a single Golf ball, let alone crapped out 20 of them and tried to flush them away.

Bring a whole new meaning to shouting "four".

As I've said above a bucket of savaloys and mushey peas would be a better test.

[colin_p]

I think Women must wrap half a bog roll round their hands like a boxing glove and then punch themselves in the growler each time they have a wee?

[colin_p]

TimeForAZafira said:

colin_p said:

I think Women must wrap half a bog roll round their hands like a boxing glove and then punch themselves in the growler each time they have a wee?

Interesting as growler in this context could have one of two meanings:- https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Gr...

Profoundly good information.

I never knew that. Every day is a school day.

[colin_p]

Today I had a go on the bog of one of those brand new Great Western electric trains.

It was like an aeroplane bog and had a laughably small orifice! It couldn't and didn't cope at all well. A massive stripe was left up the back of the stainless steel pan despite flushing several times. A very narrow space as well.

All push buttons for the flush, the soap, the water and the hand dryer. Obviously the hand washer thing was separate to the bog.

[colin_p]

Cardinal Hips said:

/\ That toilet looks like it was designed to give a 100% chance of a "Neptune's Kiss".

And a high probability of there being a "Mermaids tail" where said deposit breaks the surface of the water after landing and having carried out the "Neptunes kiss".

wildoliver said:

We are toilet shopping at the moment. Sarah thinks I've lost my mind with the sit test and looking at drop Vs opening size and looking to see how well flowed the passage is.

She puts up with so much....

To test accurately in a showroom you'd have to sellotape a bit of string to your trousers with a plumb bob on the end and wiggle about. Even then, just like the real thing, it could be a bit hit and miss.

[colin_p]

I've tried fashioning a landing pad out of bog roll to alleviate stripeage but it didn't work very well. To do that properly you'd need to use a lot of carefully laid out paper. Quicker to just brush it afterwards.

I'd still really like to get a proper old fashioned bog again, not these silly things that have been messed about with by feminist EU toilet comittee. Paid too much and they really don't know their s**t.

[colin_p]

Timmy45 said:

Armitage.Shanks said:

A lot of design goes into the toilet and cistern. In olden days you had a long drop and a curve angle to the first bend that if you laid a long post the drop would allow gravity to take it straight round the bend with/without wiping its feet.

It's always hugely satisfying when that happens, a bit like getting a hole in one on the mini golf at the seaside.

To get the Royal Flush of toilet poker, the first wipe has to be clean as well.

Very rare.

[colin_p]

rover 623gsi said:

The main reason for the change in toilet design is to make them quieter. Fact.

What, when you flush or when you bark out your breakfast like a flock of starlings ?

[colin_p]

Wildcat45 said:

I got caught short last night.

I was in the pub with the dog and a friend (A fellow PHer)........

A cautionary tale well told there.

Just as the drama and tension was rising, I was waiting for you to say that there was no bogroll and that you had to rip up the cardboard tube to scrape the residue out as so often can happen in a pub bog. Luckily that didn't happen. As for no soap, errhg

[colin_p]

Wildcat45 said:

motco said:

What usually happens when you're disposing of a Bristol Stool Chart 4 or 5 and trapped methane decides to burst past the soft morass? A st storm, is the result! Lasers are unlikely to cope with that without slicing lumps from your rump!

I think this illustrates the scenario you have in mind.

https://youtu.be/Qr0OcXst59k

I think it is more like an A10 Tankbuster type noise, Brrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIJvPj_pjE

[colin_p]

How the hell do you squirt water all over your date-hole without the splash back and pooey run off going all over your clothes?

You'd either need to go into trap one stark bk naked or perform some sort of gymnastic like twerking moves or have a shower afterwards as surely there would be s**t everywhere?

Also what do use to dry your botty, that Jap blow-dryer bog sounds interesting especially if the air velocity was such that re-charged you for lots of farting fun and games. Do they have a cold air setting to help sooth a dose of ring sting?

[colin_p]

Cyder said:

They’re telescopic, think headlamp cleaner nozzle, water pressure forces it outward until it’s eye to eye with your ring then like a Karcher it blasts the debris away from in a localised area.
Oh the water is also warm and adjustable to your preference.

Then a nice blast of (warm) air makes sure all is ticketyboo.

How does telescoping bit know when to stop and not actually go up your bum?

[colin_p]

zbc said:

It reaches out into the centre of the bowl rather than up towards you. More about getting the angle right rather than getting super close

Gotcha. Like a right angled pressure washer attachment for doing under the wheelarches.

However, how does it know what to aim for? There is a fine line between the target area and the back of your dangling ball bag or fanny if you are a girl. I assume you have to wiggle about until it hits the spot.

It sounds like a great idea but could be tricky to try before you buy.

[colin_p]

motco said:

MikeStroud said:

motco said:

devnull said:

Lazermilk said:

Their theory was she didn't sit down and just hovered over the seat/in the general direction of the toilet and just let loose!

This is not theory - this is actually a thing. Many women I know admit to hovering for fear of getting ass / thing rabies should they ever dream of actually sitting on a bog.

Female urination can be a messy business at the best of times. They have no nozzle as such, and the flaps tend to perturb the stream randomly. The higher the outlet is above the catchment area, the more over-spray will occur, obviously. All in theory, of course. I've never actually watched...

To avoid such perturbations, surely the bomb bay doors should be fully extended and locked in to position before jettisoning the payload?

I'll tell what! YOU suggest it to them!

If using aeronautic terms then surely flaps would be more apt than bomb bay doors. I suppose it all depends how well the kebab is packed.if they need to go to flaps 10 or flaps 20.