Who is right, ex or new partner?

[Grant12]

Apologies if this is in the wrong place, I just need some impartial advice...

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice.

So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Again, impartially , what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

[Grant12]

TooMany2cvs said:

What sort of amount are we talking about here, compared with your income and your ex's income, roughly speaking?

I’d be paying an extra £100 a month. Which I can afford. New partner says that’s £100 less for us and means we won’t be able to borrow as much when we get a mortgage together and house etc

[Grant12]

TooMany2cvs said:

What sort of amount are we talking about here, compared with your income and your ex's income, roughly speaking?

I’d be paying an extra £100 a month. Which I can afford. New partner says that’s £100 less for us and means we won’t be able to borrow as much when we get a mortgage together and house etc

[Grant12]

Thanks again for all your replies. I am expecting a child with new partner.

New partner says I won’t be paying bare minimum for daughter because I’ll still be buying her things and taking her on holidays etc

[Grant12]

TooMany2cvs said:

At a wild guess, I suspect it's not totally unrelated to the new g/f being pregnant.

That bit happened a few months ago...and no it wasn’t planned. She seemed as shocked as I was, but I’m certainly not going to ask her to do anything just because it’s inconvenient.

[Grant12]

Thanks for all your replies.

I accept I’ve fxxxxx up, so even the less than complimentary ones I still appreciate and I take square on the chin.

I always knew what the right thing to do is, this was just to try and get her to see how unreasonable she is being.

I wasn’t quite prepared for such a response, but thanks again for all your contributions

[Grant12]

It’s all about choices.

Hopefully some people will have read this who might have considered doing what I did, and they might think again now.

[Grant12]

It’s all about choices.

Hopefully some people will have read this who might have considered doing what I did, and they might think again now.

[Grant12]

sjc said:

OP, genuine question, what feels right to you ?

Paying, of course. Doing whatever I can for my daughter.

To take the blinkers off and see that I’m not being hoodwinked by my ex because she knows I’ll do pretty much anything for my daughter, and that if there’s any manipulation going on it’s coming from somewhere else.

[Grant12]

blearyeyedboy said:

Hold fire OP. Stop and think very carefully before making your next move. What are you trying to achieve here with this thread? Making the wrong move inspired by the wrong motivation could cause you and those you care for further harm.

Are you faced with a difference of opinion, find your resolve needed some calibration from a bunch of internet strangers? That's OK, if you then go in to the discussion and calmly try to persuade your new partner. Maybe, as the above poster says, pay the nursery directly? Remember that being right and persuading people to change their minds are two different things. There are many articles on the subject but this is an easily digestible, simple one. Calm discussion while addressing what she might be concerned about is important. Maybe negotiate some other compromise? (eg, "OK, I pay her the £100 but it gets paid to the nursery directly and I cancel my Sky Sports subscription and gym membership so we're no worse off")

Are you hoping to show your partner what other people say in this thread? While it may show that a lot of people are in favour of paying £100/month for your daughter's nursery, there are many vitriolic comments that would be damaging to anyone's self esteem to read and nothing to do with the nursery fee issue. (e.g., "SWT", "nasty bh" and "got pregnant deliberately" are going to hurt, and when they do then no other logical argument will get in there.) This will have the opposite effect to that of the first option; it will result in a right argument at best and is unlikely to further your daughter's welfare. In the discussion, tackle the issue; insults will only get her back up.

Are you regretting where you are now and wanting your old life back? (Hence the third quote above.) I don't judge you for what's happened because I don't know what led up to it and I haven't walked in your shoes. But you don't get to go back a turn in the chess game of life; you've lost some important pieces and now you must play on from where you are now. Don't burn up relationship number 2 just because of regret about relationship number 1; ascribing judgemental emotions such as her "manipulating" might be true, or they might be jumbled emotions relating to pangs of regret about what you've lost. Don't rashly proceed while mistaking one for the other; a potentially happy current relationship could be at risk if you blame her for all your feelings. One issue doesn't mean you don't agree on many more besides.

However you navigate this, seek to be a proper dad to both children. Genuinely, I wish you well and hope you find a way through.

Thank you for that. Very perceptive and able to cut to the main issue but in a way which is less black or white. I have taken your comments on board and they will help a lot, particularly with regards to the latter part.