Experience with extra marital affairs!

[enzozidanedragan]

I've found out my partner has been or had (still unsure of whether they've ended it, apparently I've been told it's over but have been lied to so much that I don't know what to believe!) an affair for the last 6 months. My partner travels extensively for work and met the person while travelling. They then decided to carry on their affair and met up in every destination that my partner travelled to with work.

We have been married for quite some time, well over 10 years, and have children together.

When I originally found out I was lied to I was told the affair was a mistake and wasn't a big deal and was just a 'kiss' and that they hadn't slept with each other but done "everything but" and that they hadn't met each other since but had kept in contact through phone calls, WhatsApp, emails etc so they'd got emotionally involved not so much physically involved (this person who they had the affair with I will just point out has my partner's dream looks and assets!). I just felt this wasn't right and so kept digging and digging and my partner kept having a go at me saying "You don't want to make it work if you keep going over it and looking for things". However, my perseverance paid off because I've since found out that they met up in hotels and stayed together in 5 different global locations and yes they did 'everything' not just kiss blah blah.

If it had of been a one night drunken mistake I might have been able to forgive but and I was learning to forgive and move on but now that I've uncovered the full truth I am not so sure anymore. I've now got to deal with the affair but bigger still is the constant lies and that I've had to work so hard to uncover the truth. I gave them lots of opportunities to tell me the truth, I asked direct questions about whether they had met up in certain locations and was told no (to later found out that they had). I actually could have dealt with the physical affair but it's the pathological lies to cover up the full extent of the affair that has been the worst and most hurtful of it all.

My partner will always need to travel for work but now I am in turmoil about whether I can trust them and whether I want to! There's been talk about me travelling with my partner to alleviate my fears but I have a job too and that's hard as well as the disruption to our children as they would be passed off to relatives and they're of an age when they need help with homework and emotional support through high school.

Has anyone else had this experience? Any advice?

[enzozidanedragan]

Macneil said:

OP...is there anything you've done or not done that could have "justified the spouses actions? if your spaouse has a reason in their own mind that can be dealt with for the future, then work at it.

otherwise if you are blameless and they are a cheat bite the bullet and get it over with now.

Nope I did nothing, i was working, looking after kids and home. if anything we had grown apart due to his work commitments and it was hard to keep in touch with time zones meaning when it was his evening time and needed to call it was quite often my morning and I was rushing around to get kids ready and off to school and work. An affair is still a choice. It appears it was a perfect storm in a teacup, she apparently came into him, he enjoyed the flirting and the ego boost then one thing led to another..........however it was the continuing lies once I’d found out and wanted to know everything that is proving the hardest to get over and forgive.

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MDMA . said:

Yes. No one signs up to a car forum, waits 2 months and then the first post they make is about an affair.
Another unhinged, previous/current "member". Pretty sad really.

You actually can’t post on forums until you’ve been a member for over 4 weeks

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C4ME said:

The OP has deliberately tried very hard to disguise whether it is male or female which makes me think it is not genuine. It's a very emotional subject to be doing something so odd.

It is genuine, I am female and it’s my husband who has had the affair.

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LittleBigPlanet said:

Agreed. Everyone has assumed that the OP is male with a cheating wife. It actually read to me like the OP is female.

In any case, I'd find it extremely difficult to continue in such a situation, more so knowing that you really don't know the half of it due to the constant lies (despite being 'found out'). Tackle this head on and give your partner a chance to come clean on everything - if it becomes apparent later on that he/she has not be totally honest then you've made the deal clear - walk.

Note, I say this not knowing your or your family situation. It's always far easier to say than do. I'd probably be a crying mess so you've already done better than I by writing this down.

Good luck.

Thanks and yes you’re right. It was my husband who has cheated, not me.

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paul.deitch said:

Well it's very hard to regain trust in anyone after such an experience, but not impossible. First look at counselling. If your partner is not willing then you have your answer. Failing that think of the kids first. You can always find another partner but they'll never have another biological dad. Good luck.

Thanks

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mikiec said:

IMO once the trust has gone the relationship is stuffed. Carrying on an affair is a deliberate act and requires a lot of deception.
Regardless of your kids you deserve better, if I was in your shoes she would be out of house for good.

I hear what you say but it was my husband who I’d be kicking out of the house

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Petrus1983 said:

It’s over. Keep it civil but also appreciate that women often play mean over these things - even when they’re in the wrong.

I am the woman, it’s my husband who’s been having the affair

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mikiec said:

IMO once the trust has gone the relationship is stuffed. Carrying on an affair is a deliberate act and requires a lot of deception.
Regardless of your kids you deserve better, if I was in your shoes she would be out of house for good.

You’re right, and even when I found out HE lied to cover his tracks until I kept digging and found out the truth.

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ozzuk said:

I can't see anyway back from this - and I don't know why you would want to. It might seem not real as you haven't caught them at it - so it's likely surreal, a really bad situation that you want to avoid, not think about or ignore. Hence why you are even considering staying together.

But it has happened, and not only have they done that to you but look how easily they have lied to you. Why would you want to be with someone who has that little respect for you or the family unit. Forgiving them a one off, okay people make mistakes, but this was planned, the lying was planned and it carried on irrespective of the impact to you and the kids.

Time to toughen up, you deserve to be with someone better - or indeed on your own. Dont' be a doormat, it isn't better for the kids (sends the wrong message). All IMO of course.

Good luck.

Thank you.

[enzozidanedragan]

Sa Calobra said:

I've been on the other side of the fence. OP if you need any insight feel free to pm me.

I am new to this forum st so don’t know what op is. I kept gender ambiguous because I wanted unbiased opinions. But I am female and it was my husband who did the cheating and then the continuous lies after, the physical side I can get over but not the lies especially as his job is not going to change so he’ll still be travelling every where. He met her in 5 different worldwide locations and passed her off as his partner to hotels, airlines etc all because he’s lonely when he travels!!

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Sa Calobra said:

Probably because if it all goes south it's on the internet forever and a detailed description of a situation can be spotted.

Exactly.

[enzozidanedragan]

LittleBigPlanet said:

Agreed. Everyone has assumed that the OP is male with a cheating wife. It actually read to me like the OP is female.

In any case, I'd find it extremely difficult to continue in such a situation, more so knowing that you really don't know the half of it due to the constant lies (despite being 'found out'). Tackle this head on and give your partner a chance to come clean on everything - if it becomes apparent later on that he/she has not be totally honest then you've made the deal clear - walk.

Note, I say this not knowing your or your family situation. It's always far easier to say than do. I'd probably be a crying mess so you've already done better than I by writing this down.

Good luck.

Thank you! Yes I’ve been a crying mess! Yes apparently he’s come clean, he had to when I found photographic evidence that proved his lover was in the same locations he was on the same dates. But doesn’t change the fact that he’s got to travel for work so the future trust going forward is HUGE. 15 years and two kids means a decision can’t be made as quickly as some of the other posts on here suggest. When you’re in this situation it’s very hard to control emotions and think rationally which I am trying to do. Yes I’ve lashed out, yes I’ve screamed get the fk out, yes I’ve said it’s over. But he’s the father of my children and up until now we’ve actually had the best marriage (and he would say the same) and there has never been a fk up of this kind on either side. I always said “if you ever cheat on me it’s over”, now faced with that situation, and the enormity of the fact that he met her in 5 different global locations around the world, so it wasn’t just a one off mistake, I am just completely lost over what to do. I would LOVE to end it but I just can’t at the moment and it’s not because I am weak, I know I’d be fine on my own, I don’t know why. Maybe this will change once the shock subsides. Either way he needs to own the mistake and what he did and comprehend the enormity of the situation.

[enzozidanedragan]

motco said:

I have travelled internationally in the past as have many other PH contributors, and I can concur that there's little more lonely than a foreign hotel room at the beginning of a two week visit. However I suspect that a bed-sit can be pretty lonely too, and the OP's (original poster or starter of the thread for the benefit of the OP) likely destination for a straying husband when his Good Lady catches up with his carnal frolics. I never succumbed and nor have most others whose lot involves travelling so I have no sympathy for this lady's other half. Good Luck OP!

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