Dating again when you aren't all that...
Discussion
So im single again after 15 years, and have to look at myself in the mirror and accept a few facts as I start the journey of finding someone new I can be happy with.
Problem I have is as a person I'm okay, but physically I haven't exactly been given all the gifts. I'm very short, have hair in all the wrong places, not in the best shape (am working on that) but most depressingly am covered in cherry angioma, basically blood spots all over, including some on my face.
I have seen docs etc and had attempts made at removing them, but it's massively expensive and not very effective, so have to accept this is me, and can't paint a different picture of myself.
So enter dating apps. I know personality counts etc etc, but reality is woman look as much for the physical attributes of a man as they do anything else, and why wouldn't they? You also can't demonstrate your personality on something visually driven, and anyway at some stage I'd have to gross them out by taking my shirt off, so it's only prolonging the inevitable.
I'm not sure how to approach the dating scene again, I'm sure others coming out of long relationships have felt the same, but suppose I feel it accentuated by what I see as cosmetic disasters.
Maybe joining some sort of groups will let me meet someone, but the odds are small and seems everyone who finds out I'm single tells me to use a dating app, and given the competition I'm thinking that could be a depressing place to be.
Not sure what I'm asking, I suppose I am looking for pointers in approaching dating again and what's worked for others.
Problem I have is as a person I'm okay, but physically I haven't exactly been given all the gifts. I'm very short, have hair in all the wrong places, not in the best shape (am working on that) but most depressingly am covered in cherry angioma, basically blood spots all over, including some on my face.
I have seen docs etc and had attempts made at removing them, but it's massively expensive and not very effective, so have to accept this is me, and can't paint a different picture of myself.
So enter dating apps. I know personality counts etc etc, but reality is woman look as much for the physical attributes of a man as they do anything else, and why wouldn't they? You also can't demonstrate your personality on something visually driven, and anyway at some stage I'd have to gross them out by taking my shirt off, so it's only prolonging the inevitable.
I'm not sure how to approach the dating scene again, I'm sure others coming out of long relationships have felt the same, but suppose I feel it accentuated by what I see as cosmetic disasters.
Maybe joining some sort of groups will let me meet someone, but the odds are small and seems everyone who finds out I'm single tells me to use a dating app, and given the competition I'm thinking that could be a depressing place to be.
Not sure what I'm asking, I suppose I am looking for pointers in approaching dating again and what's worked for others.
Edited by anonymous-user on Sunday 25th August 19:35
Definitely a self estime thing, and good advise from a number of people around finding happiness in myself, but not an easy thing and something I haven't come close to achieving in a very long time, so maybe this is the opportunity I need to try.
I'm skeptical I'll ever be truly happy in myself but no harm in trying, physical appearance is looking at you every day and I'm really good at finding the bad, but have to try and better than taking a long walk off a short peer I suppose.
Edit: I think my want to have someone is driven by self estime, I feel better knowing someone accepts me, so have to move past that need.
I'm skeptical I'll ever be truly happy in myself but no harm in trying, physical appearance is looking at you every day and I'm really good at finding the bad, but have to try and better than taking a long walk off a short peer I suppose.
Edit: I think my want to have someone is driven by self estime, I feel better knowing someone accepts me, so have to move past that need.
Edited by anonymous-user on Sunday 25th August 10:39
Can you become rich or famous?
Check out what people like trump or F1s Bernie or Paul Daniels have managed? Or if you’re not rich or famous maybe go somewhere where you’re relatively rich like Southeast Asia, loads of British blokes have one well there plus the weather and food is great?
Check out what people like trump or F1s Bernie or Paul Daniels have managed? Or if you’re not rich or famous maybe go somewhere where you’re relatively rich like Southeast Asia, loads of British blokes have one well there plus the weather and food is great?
El stovey said:
Can you become rich or famous?
Check out what people like trump or F1s Bernie or Paul Daniels have managed? Or if you’re not rich or famous maybe go somewhere where you’re relatively rich like Southeast Asia, loads of British blokes have one well there plus the weather and food is great?
I'll work on that Check out what people like trump or F1s Bernie or Paul Daniels have managed? Or if you’re not rich or famous maybe go somewhere where you’re relatively rich like Southeast Asia, loads of British blokes have one well there plus the weather and food is great?
have young kids so no moving anywhere else, sounds idillic thou. Also moved out of the family home into rented, so no pets, but at some stage I'll be in a position to buy so that's something I could think about.
Edited by anonymous-user on Sunday 25th August 11:09
steveatesh said:
There’s a line of thought that men get married For sexual reasons and women for the utility that men give them. If you agree with that thinking then remember everything can be bought in and it would probably be cheaper in the long run
I like that line of thought, I really need to embrace the freedom I now have, I do like a lot if aspects of it and I am enjoying more and more not having to compromise, I'm maybe risking rushing back into something just for the familiar instead of enjoying the differences. That's a really good way of looking at it, centrate on what I've gained rather than what I've lost, thanks all, that helps.
Thanks all, its been a devastating few months, well, years if I'm honest sbout when my marriage broke down, and I'm still finding what independence means after a long long time.
It's easy to pull myself apart and focus on the negatives, but at worst I'm single, mid 40's with my own place that I've done up really nicely, good job, so could be a lot worse.
Sometimes I forget to remember what I've got going for me, think I'll spend some time getting to know who I am right now, and if a relationship develops down the line then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
It's easy to pull myself apart and focus on the negatives, but at worst I'm single, mid 40's with my own place that I've done up really nicely, good job, so could be a lot worse.
Sometimes I forget to remember what I've got going for me, think I'll spend some time getting to know who I am right now, and if a relationship develops down the line then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Council Baby said:
Forget dating, it’s expensive, soul destroying and if you’re not all that to look at, really f
king difficult to get anything over a 4/10.
Hookers are fixed price, don’t moan at you and fk off afterwards so you can play with cars.
You can have multiple hookers and keep your balls, you can’t say the same about girlfriends.
So why do you keep going for 4/10 hookers?king difficult to get anything over a 4/10.Hookers are fixed price, don’t moan at you and f
k off afterwards so you can play with cars.You can have multiple hookers and keep your balls, you can’t say the same about girlfriends.
TheJimi said:
OP, where in the country are you?
If you fancy training, and don't feel up to the gym for the first time on your own, I'll come with you.
Even if you're at the other side of country, I'll come.
Wow mate, that's really kind of you. I've joined a gym and am feeling reasonably confident about getting back in there again so should be okay in that respect (was gym mad some time ago, so just a case of getting myself back in to a routine).If you fancy training, and don't feel up to the gym for the first time on your own, I'll come with you.
Even if you're at the other side of country, I'll come.
Thanks to everyone else as well, genuinely is a case of loving the person you are, and I can see that clearly now, I was looking for someone to give me validation when I should look at what ive accomplished, what I have going for me, and emphasise that strongly, which feeling a little less under it now I genuinely feel I can do.
Been really useful getting advise and support here, so thank you , I'm not out of the woods but at least I can set a direction and start walking.
bucksmanuk said:
A good mate did meditation classes, just him and 17 yummy mummies, he got phone numbers galore. He just turns up when he doesn’t have a girlfriend, Lo and behold! One appears.
He is too handsome for his own good though.
Amazing how easy it is when you are in the top 20% of men looks wise though. I ultimately believe that the 80/20 rule applies to virtually everything in like so in online dating 20% of men are dating 80% of the women on there. If you are not in the 20% of good looking men then you are going to find it very difficult going indeed.He is too handsome for his own good though.
Whenever I read a post on the Match thread about a guy getting no interest in online dating and asking how he can improve his profile nothing you write will make any difference, it is all down to the pictures. You would think that women would be happy to date someone of similar attractiveness to themselves, but they get so much more attention than they do in real life the believe their Sexual Market Value is way higher than it is.
So all these women end up chasing the same 20% of men and these men end up with a constant stream of women to "date" (or randomly hook up with if we are honest", just like your friend.
bucksmanuk said:
At the risk of going off topic Joey
80/20 or Pareto is everywhere in life… And right at the outer edges of the 20% is this guy…
A family friend has always had women just walking up to him and chatting him up. They literally can’t keep their hands off him. A married work colleague of my mums told her that she had to leave my mum’s 50th early as “he” was there, and she didn’t think she could “hold my composure any longer”…When beauty queens were all the rage, Miss This, Miss That, that sort of thing… he was going out with 3 of them - AT THE SAME TIME… that has to be some kind of record… His mum told him off about that! - his Preston based mates still laugh about it.
He was offered modelling in his early 20’s . This is late 80’s. He turned it down as he wanted to get his business off the ground. I went out with him for a drink one night in Southport – what an eye opener. Female attention everywhere… In the most fashionable wine bar in town, within 15 minutes, 3 stunning hot women, the hottest women in the place dressed in … well…not much at all really, had approached him - all at once – the girls knew each other. They handed over their phone numbers, told him what evenings of the next week they were free (for him – all evenings were free), and had started to argue amongst themselves as to which one gave the best blow job. My jaw was on the floor- this was unknown territory to me – and it still is! And probably to many others as well.
The family friend tried to involve me in the "discussion", but absolutely nothing. I was blanked – I didn’t exist in any shape or form to the girls. We left a few minutes later with him asking “Isn’t it embarrassing when girls talk like that to you?”
“yep – happens all the time mate…”
To go even more off topic....80/20 or Pareto is everywhere in life… And right at the outer edges of the 20% is this guy…
A family friend has always had women just walking up to him and chatting him up. They literally can’t keep their hands off him. A married work colleague of my mums told her that she had to leave my mum’s 50th early as “he” was there, and she didn’t think she could “hold my composure any longer”…When beauty queens were all the rage, Miss This, Miss That, that sort of thing… he was going out with 3 of them - AT THE SAME TIME… that has to be some kind of record… His mum told him off about that! - his Preston based mates still laugh about it.
He was offered modelling in his early 20’s . This is late 80’s. He turned it down as he wanted to get his business off the ground. I went out with him for a drink one night in Southport – what an eye opener. Female attention everywhere… In the most fashionable wine bar in town, within 15 minutes, 3 stunning hot women, the hottest women in the place dressed in … well…not much at all really, had approached him - all at once – the girls knew each other. They handed over their phone numbers, told him what evenings of the next week they were free (for him – all evenings were free), and had started to argue amongst themselves as to which one gave the best blow job. My jaw was on the floor- this was unknown territory to me – and it still is! And probably to many others as well.
The family friend tried to involve me in the "discussion", but absolutely nothing. I was blanked – I didn’t exist in any shape or form to the girls. We left a few minutes later with him asking “Isn’t it embarrassing when girls talk like that to you?”
“yep – happens all the time mate…”
I knew a guy like this when I lived in Australia, he had been approached to be on the Australian version of the Batchelor but turned it down. Going out with him was an eye opener, he always knew the coolest bars to go to and they were full of the hottest women you have ever seen. Even walking around town with him hot women would constantly be saying hello to him and he had slept with every single one of them. As you say, all the hot women in town know each other, go to the same places and are all chasing the same handful of men.
When he was introduced to a new group of women, after he had left every single one would ask who he was. Just sitting at a bar women would sit down next to him and start chatting to him, he literally had to put in zero effort at all.
Absolutely incredible to watch.
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