Caught GF on POF.

[Total Drivin]

Me and my OH have been together for 7 years next month we live together and have a four year old daughter and a six month year old daughter.

The past six months since the birth of our second child things have been very rocky between us up until that point it was just like a normal relationship I didn't get my dick wet as often as I would have liked but I did occasionally and I was happy.

Anyway about six weeks ago we had a huge argument she said that was it yada yada and told me to do one but instead I bought a card from the shop put all my thoughts and feelings into said card and left it on the table before I went to work the next day I thought that was that and we could move on and grow closer again like we used to be so I made the extra effort with her but got nothing back. Tried to initiate sex but was repeatedly rejected which cut deep.

About two weeks later she went out with friends on a belated birthday get together she was being flirtatious and sent me pics I said 'wait till I get my hands on you'. She looked at the message and never replied I waited up until about 1 in the morning and finally broke text her asking where she was and if she's alright she replied saying she was in town I said 'right ok' she immediately replied saying 'fked off' well considering you ignored me and went clubbing yes I was. Anyway she got a taxi home shortly after me texting her and I thought we were going to have make up sex but again as usual she rejected me and said tomorrow night we can do it.

Tomorrow came around again I was rejected tried a couple of times after that again rejected so I stopped bothering and went back to basics with her to try and get to the root cause of her issue still didn't get anything back so we just carried on as always. I was seriously starting to think it was just me she didn't want anymore because she would flip out at me over the smallest things I asked numerous times if she is happy and does she want to carry on with the relationship she said yes every time.

Fast forward to this week on Monday she seems happy and joyful texting me throughout the day at work which I thought was odd.

That evening when she was in the bath (I know I shouldn't have) went on her phone and to my horror she had created a POF profile and was in conversation with other men. I immediately went into the bathroom to confront her and she denied it even though I had seen it with my own eyes I went back in the front and when she came in I told her I want to see the messages which weren't explicit flirting and to her defence she did say she was in a relationship but it was 'complicated' she then deleted her profile.

She then told me how sorry she is her reason for joining was just for some attention and to be understood which I can sort of understand as we have drifted apart due to stresses of life in recent months but I have tried my best after the big argument we had and just kept getting it thrown in my face.

That night we talked a lot about everything and she said she is 100% committed to me and doesnt want anyone else me finding out only made her realise how much she does love me etc. I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive to Whitby as I was still in shock.

Yesterday I didn't go to work and we talked some more and both agreed it was a massive mistake and to start a fresh.

She has hurt a lot of feelings.

Thoughts?

[Total Drivin]

I admit I haven't been the best boyfriend in the world and I have taken her for granted.

Average day goes like this I go to work from 7 until (she is currently on maternity) she stays home all day looks after the kids cooks my tea for when I get in I eat go in the kitchen wash all the pots get the kids to bed and we both chill out then usually in separate rooms.

I asked if she was glad she had been caught out she said yes and is extremely apologetic she knows how much it has hurt me and has told me it was just to talk not for sex etc but I have no doubt that is where it would have ended if I hadn't had caught it so early or am I being paranoid?

I just think she joined seeing if she could get someone better than me?

I tried and tried to with her and kept asking as soon as I knew there was a problem after tha first big argument but she just kept on telling me everything is fine and then goes and joins plenty of fish behind my back.

[Total Drivin]

Thanks for the replies. I do feel it was a genuine mistake on her side she should have never done it but on the other hand I could of been a better partner.

I know she is remorseful and I am willing to forgive like I said we have stated a fresh and are trying to get that spark back we lost.

I do believe her when she says she loves me. This is a real wake up call for us both I think.

I hope things work out breaking up the family is the last thing in the world we both want.

[Total Drivin]

I made myself perfectly clear if she doesn't want it anymore and wants to end it then tell me and tell me now to save anyone any more heartache. She told me she does want us to be together and happy a family and POF was one big mistake and how sorry she is and that it will never happen again which I do believe.

I told her if I ever catch her on it again whether it be in six months or six years I am walking.

For what it is she has done and the reasons she has told me why she did it I think it is worth trying again I can forgive but I can't forget. We are now both on the same page and know we both need to change if we want to pull back from the gutter we have been in the main reason we ended up here is a breakdown in communication.


My defence mechanism is to shut down and hers is to let stuff build up then explode. The new baby has been extremely stressful sleep deprivation mainly for her but I have got up when I could between working 40 odd hours a week it is hard.

As for doing my fair share of the household duties I normally do all the washing at the weekends on my day off hoover the house etc she is the natural untidy one between us but she does all the cooking and has the kids when I'm at work.

She is currently on anti depressants and has been since the birth of our second child.

Reading the comments I admit I have just been wanting to get my end away but it has been so long I was just too horny to care I suppose and keep trying didn't help the situation but even after all the rejections I never once thought to go and get it elsewhere that is why I put all my thoughts into a card and left it for her several weeks ago so we could work it out but here we are.

Anyway got home tonight she has been out shopping with her mum for holiday things for the girls we're off to Cornwall early hours of Saturday morning for a week hopefully it should do us some good.

Thanks for the replies. It has been helpful in making me see it from her point of view.

[Total Drivin]

She tells me it was just for attention and she had no intentions of meeting up etc and it was just to talk to someone who understood her and she was planning on deleting it that evening but I came home from work and was in a mood (granted I was in a slight huff but that was because I had to stay back late) and she did make the extra effort but I dont know if that was just guilt because she was talking to other men all day and particularly chatty to me throughout the day again guilt?

She said she thought fk it why do I bother later however I found out what she had been up to for myself. I don't think she would have or I would like to think she wouldn't have physically fked someone else for one she has very little free time we both don't and secondly she had the baby six months ago and suffered a very bad tear.

I guess I will never find out the real truth but now it is all out in the open she is sorry and has told me she was being selfish and thinking of her own feelings not me or the girls.

She feels a weight has been lifted and wants me 100% loves me and always has.

There is just the niggle in the back of my mind if she would have ever physically cheated/do it again but scars are still fresh and she knows how deep it has cut me. Only I can get over it.

I'm starting to repeat myself but like I said before we are giving it another go. We are both aware it will make us or break us.

I'll keep you updated.

Edited by Total Drivin on Thursday 26th September 10:48

[Total Drivin]

xjay1337 said:

She is sorry you caught her lol.

Anyway all the best with whatever you decide to do mate.

I have the feeling no matter what you try it will not be good enough.

Maybe she is sorry she got caught time will tell she knows the consequences I ever get an inkling she does anything like this again behind my back I will won't even hang around to listen to her excuses.

I think we love each other enough to get past it and start again if it works out it will make my world if it doesn't then at least we tried and I can walk away with my head held high.

[Total Drivin]

She very rarely goes out probably 3 times a year maximum she was look forward to this belated birthday night out which was supposed to happen in May but never happend. All her friends she went out with are married or in relationships.

Going round Town ruined her evening she said she got far too drunk and some creepy fat guy was trying to dirty dance with her but her friend 'saved' her by moving her away which I believe.

The original plan was to just go around the local village which is quite civilised but there is no doubt in my mind she did indeed read my text saying I couldn't wait to get my hands on at after she sent the saucy devil faced snapchat.

She probably looked rolled her eyes and didn't reply which fked me right off as she looked stunning and knew how badly I wanted her that particular night. When she got home and said my feet hurt and I'm not feeling it I did feel rejected and it did hurt this rejection and snapping at me went on until this Monday when I found she had joined POF. I just had a feeling in my gut something wasn't right and tried multiple times to get it out of her but she just wouldn't tell me and said she is happy within the relationship when she clearly wasn't.

Another point is that when she said she wasn't happy she said she didn't feel this way all the time.

I personally don't drink and I don't bother with anyone outside of work her and those two girls are my world.

[Total Drivin]

conkerman said:

OP.

Spend some time with your Mrs, see if you can actually be friends, you don't stand a chance if you can't even cross that line.

Build from there. Or cut your losses.

Best of luck.

We do spend time together if we both find something we want to watch we will watch it in bed together we went to the cinema the other week to watch the new IT which we both enjoyed while the girls stayed at her mums so she could have a full nights sleep.

Maybe I haven't painted the picture correctly but I am not coming in from work eating then laying on the couch and summoning her to the bedroom I often rub her feet give her a massage hoping it will lead to sex but rarely it does.

I just think she has/had this block in her mind no matter what I do for her it's because I want sex.

We agreed to try and do it once a week after her night out and her rejecting me but it never happened and I didn't mention it I just plodded on.

I believe sex in a relationship is important she says things like it's like we are just mates living in the same house I like to do couple things etc well I'm afraid you can't keep rejecting me and not expect things to go sour between us.

Hopefully she understands that now.

[Total Drivin]

Lemming Train said:

That was my thought as well but I didn't like to say. I think the OP is being a bit naive about it all tbh.

I'm pretty confident it was meant for me as we were texting prior to said pic being sent which was taken via snapchat and sent via messenger and uploaded on her snapchat story as were a lot of pictures from the night out.

[Total Drivin]

Lemming Train said:

Replying along the lines of "can't wait to get my hands on you" is a perfectly normal response when your OH is sending you raunchy pics, but yet the reply coming from resulted in you being blanked and being told she was "fked off" with you. And you still believe the text was for you? If so, how do you explain her response?

Read what I said again I said I was fked off with her for ignoring my text and then rejecting me.

We had a good chat that night agreed to try and make the effort once a week it never happened broken promises maybe she was just too pissed. IDK

[Total Drivin]

I'm currently at work trying to lay bricksot is pissing it down my phone is covered in dust and my head is all over the place and I feel heartbroken.

Apologies for my rambling.

[Total Drivin]

I'll report back after the holiday on how things are panning out.

Cheers.

[Total Drivin]

Andeh1 said:

Total Drivin - you are not getting this mate!

You are in a vicious cycle!

You don't get laid meaning you are a grumpy & distant sod, this in turns doesn't get you laid, so you wallow in annoyance, frustration & further detachment, you then try it on again, but don't get laid because you have been a boar all evening, you end up a grumpy and annoyed sod......round and round it goes.

When has a grumpy, distant, uncaring, sexpest bloke EVER been a turn on for a women? So why do you expect your GF to overlook all this & suddenly want to have sex with you? I massaged her feet & she still rejected me... - yeah, that doesn't count.

Only after you stop taking it out on her, start being a normal, fun, caring, touchy/feely bloke & giving her the right sort of attention will she start to feel more loved/desired and in turn feel more sexy/in the mood.

Like I said before, it is very very simple:

Men need sex to feel loved, but women need to feel love to have sex. - So shake off the negativity, buy some flowers, be genuinely upbeat, fun, caring & chatty with her and kids for a while, RELAX etc, and she will naturally adjust her mindset to find you more desirable and then suddenly.....she fancies you & is more up for sex. If you need to, get in the habit of having a good wk in the evening to reset your head and help lower your desires.


edit:
Also - be realistic, wanting to get laid after she is knackered after a big night out (even if she is all dolled up), or after a long day with the kids and she is utterly haggered etc etc aint never gunna happen! Pick & choose your times with a bit of common sense, first thing in the morning, when kids are napping, etc etc


edit2: Forget the POF thing, that's her crying out for someone to talk to/someone who isn't a miserable & grumpy sod (that's you btw). She has explained, apologized, taken the punishment and is clearly very sorry (prob more so then she needs to be tbh). Sounds like she doesn't have much of a social life/adult conversation so POF is not an unsurprising thing to try out to have that social contact. It ABSOLUTELY ISNT 'one step away from fking someone' in this context...

Total Drivin said:

I saw the messages which weren't explicit flirting and to her defence she did say she was in a relationship but it was 'complicated' she then deleted her profile.

Edited by Andeh1 on Friday 27th September 10:43

Thanks for this I know I am to blame in a way but I don't understand why she didn't tell me how she felt all the times I knew something was up and I asked but she said everything was fine. She had every opportunity to tell me how she was really feeling before joining POF and she knows that.

Gave her my credit card and told her to go buy some new clothes etc end of August when I thought in my mind I was trying the loving caring boyfriend you describe (I didn't expect sex in return) but instead she bought items for our daughters 4th birthday and said there wasn't anything she liked to buy for herself.

Until the whole POF thing I was really trying my best and at times I thought I was trying too hard so backed off a little but I feel she just shut me out.

I know I shouldn't but I can't help but think if I had not said anything about POF/caught her out a day after joining it how far she would have took it.

As of now we both know this will either make us or break us only time will tell deep down I think we both love each other enough for it to work.

[Total Drivin]

Seems I can't win here among some posters doesn't it.

I gave her the choice of staying together or splitting up and we both chose to start again.

She is as free as a bird and do as she pleases within reason it has always been this way.

I am not the controlling manipulative bf some of you seem to think far from it.

We fked last Wednesday because she wanted it she initiated it not because I said get to bed now.

[Total Drivin]

Lemming Train said:

Total Drivin said:

I am not the controlling manipulative bf some of you seem to think far from it.

Total Drivin said:

I often rub her feet give her a massage hoping it will lead to sex but rarely it does.

Yes that was when she shut down and was like living with an ice queen.

[Total Drivin]

Thanks for the support ESOG.

We had a minor falling out on Sunday which again boiled down to me wanting to nail her tried Friday night when my oldest daughter slept at her grandmas excuse was she was tired and doesn't like it 'planned' so I took note and tried again as she was getting changed in the morning but again she wasn't interested.

I thought it would be third time lucky that night and suggested we should watch a film together in bed but again she wasn't interested which made me frustrated.

Sunday she knew something was up so I told her what and she said had she known she would have made the effort to come into the bedroom Saturday night.

Things were fine after that and she let me I say let me because I always feel it is a chore on her part have sex with her. Things have been good since. So she is at least making the effort.

It seems though no matter how much I dote on my other half and make sure she is ok and do all the housework (left work today to go home and put the weekly shop away so she didn't have to) and I got up with her lastnight with the baby even though I have work. I still feel she will constantly make up excuses as to why she doesn't want sex - too tired too stressed over one thing or another not in the mood headache etc. It gets to the point where I feel she has an excuse book with every excuse imaginable and it honestly starts to get you down after a while.

I work so my daughters can have nice things I very rarely buy anything for myself and when I do have extra money I send it to her.

Then I started to doubt myself. Was I not making her orgasm? Was my manhood too small? Did I rush things? She assures me I make her orgasm when we have sex plenty of foreplay with the focus being on her rather than me she never sucks my cock. No matter how much I tried to talk to her about it she’d shrug the subject off as if it didn’t matter and say there isn't anything to talk about which made me feel like absolute st. Then I found her on POF....

I've done a lot of soul searching in recent weeks and I will try my best to get us back on track she assures me she wants the same so we will see what the future brings.

[Total Drivin]

Tyre Smoke said:

Take a couple of days off and look after the kids, do the washing, make the dinners, etc. Put yourself in her place.

I do the dishes and the baby bottles daily when I get in from work after tea.

I make my eldest daughters packed lunch daily in a morning before I go to work.

At least once a week if not twice I leave work to take my eldest to nursery so she doesn't have to get dressed/cart the baby up.

That is all between working 40 odd hours a week.

[Total Drivin]

I don't just do the 'chores' to get her into bed I do the chores anyway mostly. Like I said she is naturally untidy.

It is not so much that I want sex it's more so I want to feel love and connected with my partner.

[Total Drivin]

Muzzer79 said:

What is your point?

[Total Drivin]

No I haven't caught her on POF again.

Tyre Smoke I do more than my fair share I don't stop after 40 hours I come home and take over half the duties like I said I do all the dishes all the baby bottles get one of them ready for bed read bed time stories etc.

Weekends I take them both to the shops if we aren't going somewhere together and she gets a lay in usually Saturday and Sunday.

I enjoy doing stuff with my daughters I don't see it as a chore.