Concerned about OH's drinking
Discussion
As per the title really.
I found 2 bottles of Bacardi in her wardrobe recently - 1 empty, 1 half full - and asked her about them. She admitted she sometimes needs a drink to relax. But hiding it concerns me massively. Fast forward a few weeks and I smelt alcohol on her breath and found 2 bottles of wine (half empty) in her drawers.
But it carries on. She regular gets up in the middle of the night to get a water (which she does bring up) but in the morning it's clear that the wine that was in the fridge has been drunk.
I've confronted her a couple of times (above) but I'm not sure where to go from here as it's clear it's still going on. I'd rather not snoop and keep looking through her belongings but if I don't what will happen? Nothing I suspect which is my concern.
She does work and sometimes has to go into work early and I have told her that drinking half a bottle of wine through the tonight could put her over the limit when driving to work but it seems to make no difference.
Any help/thoughts would be really appreciated.
I found 2 bottles of Bacardi in her wardrobe recently - 1 empty, 1 half full - and asked her about them. She admitted she sometimes needs a drink to relax. But hiding it concerns me massively. Fast forward a few weeks and I smelt alcohol on her breath and found 2 bottles of wine (half empty) in her drawers.
But it carries on. She regular gets up in the middle of the night to get a water (which she does bring up) but in the morning it's clear that the wine that was in the fridge has been drunk.
I've confronted her a couple of times (above) but I'm not sure where to go from here as it's clear it's still going on. I'd rather not snoop and keep looking through her belongings but if I don't what will happen? Nothing I suspect which is my concern.
She does work and sometimes has to go into work early and I have told her that drinking half a bottle of wine through the tonight could put her over the limit when driving to work but it seems to make no difference.
Any help/thoughts would be really appreciated.
Firstly thank you so much for responding.
Yes, I am aware that confrontation may not have been the best way but I was angry and concerned with what I'd found. And as I said, if I hadn't had said anything I fear it would have gone unchecked. But I also fear now that my actions could push her actions deeper.
Regarding mental issues, yes she has had these in the past. She was in a bad marriage (not to me!!) some 20 years ago and had to give up a job a few years ago due to 'bullying' issues at work. Her dad also passed away a few years ago at this time of the year so this is an especially difficult time for her.
My employer does have a confidential helpline and I may ring them as I am struggling to cope with this and/or know how to cope.
Yes, I am aware that confrontation may not have been the best way but I was angry and concerned with what I'd found. And as I said, if I hadn't had said anything I fear it would have gone unchecked. But I also fear now that my actions could push her actions deeper.
Regarding mental issues, yes she has had these in the past. She was in a bad marriage (not to me!!) some 20 years ago and had to give up a job a few years ago due to 'bullying' issues at work. Her dad also passed away a few years ago at this time of the year so this is an especially difficult time for her.
My employer does have a confidential helpline and I may ring them as I am struggling to cope with this and/or know how to cope.
I'd really like to hear from anyone who has been through something similar especially whether it worked to confront the other person and basically be on their case or whether there is a danger of sending the problem more 'underground'. Or whether a more softly softly approach is preferable.
I know that confronting her could be counter-productive but it's damn hard.
One problem is that she is never obviously drunk so it's difficult to say to her "why are you drunk at this time of the day".
I really hoping that she realises that her behaviour can't carry on like this and decides to do something about it.
One problem is that she is never obviously drunk so it's difficult to say to her "why are you drunk at this time of the day".
I really hoping that she realises that her behaviour can't carry on like this and decides to do something about it.
jbswagger said:
As far as your are aware, does she drink a lot anyway?
I don't think we are talking a lot; maybe a bottle of wine a day. But it's the secrecy that is worrying and also the time i.e. in the middle of the night. If she was downing a bottle every evening after work whilst we watch TV then I could cope with that as it's visible. Edited by jbswagger on Thursday 19th January 12:32
jbswagger said:
Does she have trouble sleeping, caused by stress perhaps?
My reason for asking was I went through a period of not being able to sleep, so used to get completely s
tfaced to just sort of collapse in bed. There would be no way I would get up during the night.
Yes she does. Or rather she gets off ok but then wakes at 2am (say), starts to think (she's a worrier) and can't get back to sleep so goes for a wine to help her relax and sleep. My reason for asking was I went through a period of not being able to sleep, so used to get completely s
tfaced to just sort of collapse in bed. There would be no way I would get up during the night.She worries about everything, literally! An unfortunate trait passed down from her Mum.
Money is a big worry for her even though we have no money worries (and I have told her that many, many times).
But how mad is it that she worries about money but probably spends £30 a week on wine????
Money is a big worry for her even though we have no money worries (and I have told her that many, many times).
But how mad is it that she worries about money but probably spends £30 a week on wine????
I'm afraid I confronted my OH this morning after finding that 1 bottle of wine have been consumed overnight. I know it wasn't the right thing to do (probably) but I can't stand by and wait until something happens to make her realise what she is doing is wrong as it may be too late then.
She admits that she is suffering from a lack of confidence and would like to speak to me about it but in the middle of the night when she has these episodes I am asleep so she turns to the wine.
Part of me is pleased that she is opening out more about the reason but over the last few days when coming home from work I have made a point of asking her is she is ok, does she want to talk about anything, etc, etc and she says "No, everything is fine". So let's hope we have turned a corner.
She admits that she is suffering from a lack of confidence and would like to speak to me about it but in the middle of the night when she has these episodes I am asleep so she turns to the wine.
Part of me is pleased that she is opening out more about the reason but over the last few days when coming home from work I have made a point of asking her is she is ok, does she want to talk about anything, etc, etc and she says "No, everything is fine". So let's hope we have turned a corner.
She was upset at first but I suspect that was a combination of being confronted and being embarrassed about being found out! But she calmed down and told me the reasons for it.
I told her that she needs to talk to me whenever she needs to even if that is in the middle of the night. Hopefully she will.
I told her that she needs to talk to me whenever she needs to even if that is in the middle of the night. Hopefully she will.
Hi all just wanted to give you an update.
Unfortunately nothing has changed apart from the fact that she is more aware now I.e. no drink in wardrobes and cupboard anymore as I have checked. Yes I know I probably shouldn't but I do. Her hiding place of choice now is her handbag. She has been protective of it and when I did manage to touch it (without her knowing) it was very heavy and that was clearly a bottle in there. And she now has got into the habit of going to her bedroom every morning at 6.30 and taking a swig (presumably).
This is bad enough but of course thisis the handbag she takes to work and if they find it
....
I did ring Al-Anon but unfortunately found them of very little help. All the woman said was "go to a meeting". Not sure how to explain that to the OH: "Just popping to a meeting dear as I think you have an alcohol problem."
I'm tempted to confront her again about the bottle in her handbag but again I'm concerned whar the outcome would be.
Unfortunately nothing has changed apart from the fact that she is more aware now I.e. no drink in wardrobes and cupboard anymore as I have checked. Yes I know I probably shouldn't but I do. Her hiding place of choice now is her handbag. She has been protective of it and when I did manage to touch it (without her knowing) it was very heavy and that was clearly a bottle in there. And she now has got into the habit of going to her bedroom every morning at 6.30 and taking a swig (presumably).
This is bad enough but of course thisis the handbag she takes to work and if they find it
....
I did ring Al-Anon but unfortunately found them of very little help. All the woman said was "go to a meeting". Not sure how to explain that to the OH: "Just popping to a meeting dear as I think you have an alcohol problem."
I'm tempted to confront her again about the bottle in her handbag but again I'm concerned whar the outcome would be.
Firstly many, many thanks for the responses. Reading them has made me realise that others have gone through similar and can give useful help.
At about 4.45 this morning my OH went downstairs and I heard the familiar sound of a wine bottle opening so I confronted her. Of course she denied it but I persevered. She said that it was a confidence issue and needs a drink to face the day. We had a good talk and I think (hope) I was supportive. But I was also pretty blunt telling her that if it carries on she could lose everything; her job, her driving licence and me. Let's hope it works.
At about 4.45 this morning my OH went downstairs and I heard the familiar sound of a wine bottle opening so I confronted her. Of course she denied it but I persevered. She said that it was a confidence issue and needs a drink to face the day. We had a good talk and I think (hope) I was supportive. But I was also pretty blunt telling her that if it carries on she could lose everything; her job, her driving licence and me. Let's hope it works.
Morning.
My OH had a bad night last night. Not alcohol related but with her anxiety. She couldn't put her finger on anything specific but it was clear she was in quite a bad way. Finally got back off to sleep but she again anxious when we woke up. And then it happened. I was in the kitchen and heard her go into the other bedroom where she keeps her handbag. I heard the bottle open and I came up the stairs. She managed to get the bottle back in her handbag but she knew she'd been rumbled. I told her she needs to get help at least with her anxiety as I'm sure that is the main cause of all of this.
I'm feeling strangely positive about all of this as I'm 99.9% certain everything is in open now.
Maybe I'm just being optimistic but here's hoping.
My OH had a bad night last night. Not alcohol related but with her anxiety. She couldn't put her finger on anything specific but it was clear she was in quite a bad way. Finally got back off to sleep but she again anxious when we woke up. And then it happened. I was in the kitchen and heard her go into the other bedroom where she keeps her handbag. I heard the bottle open and I came up the stairs. She managed to get the bottle back in her handbag but she knew she'd been rumbled. I told her she needs to get help at least with her anxiety as I'm sure that is the main cause of all of this.
I'm feeling strangely positive about all of this as I'm 99.9% certain everything is in open now.
Maybe I'm just being optimistic but here's hoping.
Leaving is definitely something I have considered, some times more seriously than others. But I love my OH and want to try everything I can to make her realise that the road she is on is potentially incredibly destructive.
I have told her I think she needs professional help starting with her GP but I have also told her that there is only 1 person who knows the complete truth and reasons behind all of this and therefore it's ultimately down to her to do something about it.
I have told her I think she needs professional help starting with her GP but I have also told her that there is only 1 person who knows the complete truth and reasons behind all of this and therefore it's ultimately down to her to do something about it.
OH told me she was very honest with her GP. Told him she was getting very anxious especially at night and this often resulted in her reaching for the bottle. She said that he wasn't unduly worried about this at the moment although I suspect the fact that he has asked her to go for blood tests (including liver profile) he wants to see if there is a reason to worry.
She suffered with quite a bad episode of anxiety/depression some years ago and managed to pull herself out of that without the need for medication or counselling and I expect the GP is hoping this will pan out the same. She has a follow up in about 3 weeks.
She suffered with quite a bad episode of anxiety/depression some years ago and managed to pull herself out of that without the need for medication or counselling and I expect the GP is hoping this will pan out the same. She has a follow up in about 3 weeks.
Good morning all, just thought I'd give you all an update.
Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
Afternoon all. First of all, thanks to everybody who've taken the time and trouble to respond.
Well, we are still together. I've explained again and again that I'm simply looking out for her health and there's nothing that I'd like more than for her to have a drink or 2 in the evening rather than middle of the night, first thing in the morning, etc.
People who have responded to say that her drinking is the symptom rather than the cause are spot on I feel. Basically she's had a bad few years with work, health, family bereavement, etc and whilst many of us go through similar (and worse) many of us don't find comfort with a bottle of wine in the middle of the night!
I think she does need a reality check, something to make her realise what she is doing to herself and those around her. What that reality check is who knows. Me leaving, even temporarily is a possibility.
She has some blood tests due this week and I will make every effort to go to her GP for the results.
Well, we are still together. I've explained again and again that I'm simply looking out for her health and there's nothing that I'd like more than for her to have a drink or 2 in the evening rather than middle of the night, first thing in the morning, etc.
People who have responded to say that her drinking is the symptom rather than the cause are spot on I feel. Basically she's had a bad few years with work, health, family bereavement, etc and whilst many of us go through similar (and worse) many of us don't find comfort with a bottle of wine in the middle of the night!
I think she does need a reality check, something to make her realise what she is doing to herself and those around her. What that reality check is who knows. Me leaving, even temporarily is a possibility.
She has some blood tests due this week and I will make every effort to go to her GP for the results.
Season's greetings to everyone. Just thought I'd give you an update on the situation.
I am still with my OH but unfortunately she is still secretly drinking. Nothing at all seems to get through to her though. She spent a week in hospital in the summer (women's issues)and on her discharge forms it made mention of acute liver damage. I questioned her on this and was told the consultant mentioned her liver was a bit fatty. To most people this would be a massive wake up call. But not my OH.
Question; we don't share the same GP or even surgery. I presume I couldn't make an appointment with her GP to discuss her situation due to doctor/patient confidentiality? My thoughts would be to tell them what was going on with the hope that they would then call her on?
Going to see my own GP would be a waste of time as I suspect they would just tell me that my OH needs to see her own GP or AA or the like?
Despite how many times I express my concern it seems to make no difference. Leaving her is very much an option although I do worry what would happen to her.
I think what is very hard though is that nobody else knows about this (although I'm sure some would not be massively surprised if told). I'm tempted to tell a friend of hers as they have similar issues (not drink related but psychological) but it's hard telling someone a friend has alcohol issues.
Any thoughts?
I am still with my OH but unfortunately she is still secretly drinking. Nothing at all seems to get through to her though. She spent a week in hospital in the summer (women's issues)and on her discharge forms it made mention of acute liver damage. I questioned her on this and was told the consultant mentioned her liver was a bit fatty. To most people this would be a massive wake up call. But not my OH.
Question; we don't share the same GP or even surgery. I presume I couldn't make an appointment with her GP to discuss her situation due to doctor/patient confidentiality? My thoughts would be to tell them what was going on with the hope that they would then call her on?
Going to see my own GP would be a waste of time as I suspect they would just tell me that my OH needs to see her own GP or AA or the like?
Despite how many times I express my concern it seems to make no difference. Leaving her is very much an option although I do worry what would happen to her.
I think what is very hard though is that nobody else knows about this (although I'm sure some would not be massively surprised if told). I'm tempted to tell a friend of hers as they have similar issues (not drink related but psychological) but it's hard telling someone a friend has alcohol issues.
Any thoughts?
The message I wrote on Monday whilst at work. When I got home the situation changed.....
I came in and she was in bed as she is suffering from the usual Winter cough/cold. But I could tell that there was something else so we had a long talk and the subject of her drinking came out. I didn't accuse her directly but I simply said that she needs to look at her lifestyle as a whole, what she eats, drinks, exercise as she seems very prone to feeling unwell. Roll forward an hour when I was downstairs reading and heard her go into another room and then go into the bathroom when I heard the unmistakeable sound of a bottle of wine being opened!!
Well, I'm ashamed to say that I flew upstairs and essentially flipped. Not physically but verbally saying that not an hour earlier we have discussed drinking and then she just throws it back in my face. I then got emotional, some tears and shaking. I think this shook her a bit seeing me like this. Anyway we had another long talk when I tried to ask her questions about why she needs to do it and I (on the whole) managed to keep quiet thus making her answer the question. I broached the subject of counselling and I shall continue to do so. I think everyone acknowledges how much better you feel when you speak to someone about any problems; speaking to someone who knows the questions to ask and how to ask them must help even more.
Since then she has been a whole lot better. Even her mother made the same comment (and she knows nothing about her drinking). Whether this is short lived time will only tell.
As for how this is effecting me. Well, I am able to block this out when at work and my main interest at weekends means I can be out of the house for a good few hours.
And to be honest, writing these posts have helped too and thanks to everyone who has posted replies.
I came in and she was in bed as she is suffering from the usual Winter cough/cold. But I could tell that there was something else so we had a long talk and the subject of her drinking came out. I didn't accuse her directly but I simply said that she needs to look at her lifestyle as a whole, what she eats, drinks, exercise as she seems very prone to feeling unwell. Roll forward an hour when I was downstairs reading and heard her go into another room and then go into the bathroom when I heard the unmistakeable sound of a bottle of wine being opened!!
Well, I'm ashamed to say that I flew upstairs and essentially flipped. Not physically but verbally saying that not an hour earlier we have discussed drinking and then she just throws it back in my face. I then got emotional, some tears and shaking. I think this shook her a bit seeing me like this. Anyway we had another long talk when I tried to ask her questions about why she needs to do it and I (on the whole) managed to keep quiet thus making her answer the question. I broached the subject of counselling and I shall continue to do so. I think everyone acknowledges how much better you feel when you speak to someone about any problems; speaking to someone who knows the questions to ask and how to ask them must help even more.
Since then she has been a whole lot better. Even her mother made the same comment (and she knows nothing about her drinking). Whether this is short lived time will only tell.
As for how this is effecting me. Well, I am able to block this out when at work and my main interest at weekends means I can be out of the house for a good few hours.
And to be honest, writing these posts have helped too and thanks to everyone who has posted replies.
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