Death of my daughter

[TVR1]

Jessica was born this morning alive. 21 weeks in, so perfect in all ways. Unfortunately, at this age , pretty much no chance of survival. We watched and cuddled her for half an hour until life left her.

[TVR1]

Nigel Worc's said:

Life is just a st sometimes mate, my utmost condolences.

My daughter number two was a twin but the other didn't make it.

This is the same situation.


My wife is in for a few days to try and save the other one. It's touch and go, so we'll see what happens.


Sorry for a specific reply and thank you all for your thoughts. I didn't mean to pick just one response.

It's been a tough 48 hours.

[TVR1]

I'm proud of Jessica. I know it may same inappropriate but if mods wish to remove the following picture, I'll understand.

She is the most beautiful little girl, to me.

[TVR1]

Thanks again to you all. Yep, it's a difficult photograph. I can assure you though, that its more intense being there.

Perhaps the reason I posted the pic is that it's now saved in interneland for ever. There isn't a birth certificate for her. Nothing that says she was here.

It's important for us that her (2year old) sister and the other twin will be able to see her one day.

She won't be forgotten.

[TVR1]

Thanks again to you all.

I'd never believe before, that there wasn't enough time during the day. It's only Sunday night and it seems like weeks since Friday.

I'm pretty much going with it at the moment. I'm ok. But I know what's coming, emotionally. Been there before. For the time being, I'm incredibly priveledged to spend the time outside hospital with my 2 year old, that I wouldn't have had.

Watching a child grow and talk to you is incredible.

On a slightly lower note, it seems that the remaining twin won't last past 7 days. That's the critical point. There's nothing at all wrong with her and that's the sad thing, it's just that her life support system (my beautiful wife) may decide to kick her out, no matter what we do.

If this couldn't get any worse, they decided to pop the consent form in front of my wife this evening. (She has an infection, dosed up with iv antibiotics)

She's also been moved to a 'really nice room'. Every one 'is checking on her every 10 minutes' they are so kind.

When they do that, you know there is trouble ahead.

I've been in enough hospitals in my life and understabd that there is no happiness coming out of the private room. It's all about reading between the lines.

Having said that, I've come to realise 2 things.

The National Health Service, whilst it has its critics, looks after you.

Secondly, once you get beyond the Nigerian Mafia, you will be like family.

For the first time in my life, I really don't want everyone to greet me and say hello. They now know why I'm there. They know (as I do, in my reality) that things probably won't turn out well.

But they are still kind and gentle.

Oh, just got the call.

Off for a while. Thank you and see you later.

[TVR1]

Its strange how talking to completely unknown people on here is so cathartic. It helps me gather my thoughts and also verbalise my thoughts, so rather then fall in a heap when I have to actually talk to someone and break the news to friends and family, i can actually talk like a human being.

Suffice it to say that I am currently about as numb and drained mentally as its possible to be.

Daisy was born at just after 8.00pm this evening. My wife started contractions last night and we had hoped that the infection could be turned around and so stop the contractions. Wasnt to be. Everything was thrown at her but eventually, after waiting for enough time (perhaps just in time, as it turned out) we decided to sign the consent form for induction.

Very shortly after that, my wife crashed. Most likely septicaemia and Daisy arrived herself within minutes. Mum is now in surgery to address complications from the rather sudden arrival, the 2 placentas are stuck and bleeding heavily. We did indeed catch things in the nick of time.

We so wanted Daisy to survive.

They are sleeping the long sleep together, next to each other now, so at least they will never be lonely.

Night all.

Edited by TVR1 on Monday 10th April 23:12

[TVR1]

Thank you all again, for your kind thoughs. 1week in, it's becoming a nightmare, emotionally.

During the day, I'm ok.

But at night, when I can think? It's a disaster.

I'm trying so hard to look after my wife and our beautiful 2 year old daughter but feeling like a bomb that's going to explode.

I so much want them to be. But they never will.

[TVR1]

FlyingMeeces said:

TVR1 said:

Thank you all again, for your kind thoughs. 1week in, it's becoming a nightmare, emotionally.

During the day, I'm ok.

But at night, when I can think? It's a disaster.

I'm trying so hard to look after my wife and our beautiful 2 year old daughter but feeling like a bomb that's going to explode.

I so much want them to be. But they never will.

I can't lay down at night in the quiet any more. Head instantly fills with replays of all the worst moments, with mental images of the bits I didn't see even worse. It took me a lot of trial and error and horrible sleep deprivation to find something of a solution: I put the most neutral, boring, harmless BBC documentary I can find on. Oceans series off BBC4 at the moment. Turned down quiet, just enough that I can hear the narration without trying too hard to concentrate. Experimented a bit with playlists of Khan Academy tutorials similarly but hour-long documentaries work ok for me.

It completely fking blows that I apparently can't just have quiet time any more, but at least I can mostly sleep when I need to now.

Thank you for your post. the thinking time is indeed, the worst.

Just yesterday i was at The supermarket, trying to restock but all i could do was stare at the chickens for half an hour.

I left with 2 carrots. Its pretty mental.

But YOU, FlyingM, sound like you're having a bit of a rough time too, perhaps more than me? And the reference to recent TV programmes suggest it was fairly recent?

So spill the beans buddy. If you want. I promise I'll hold your hand over the internet (as everyone here will), if you want to share your situation. Its st. But talking does help.

[TVR1]

ELUSIVEJIM said:

You really do wonder what life is about at times when you read heartbreaking stories from others who are going through hell.

Words seem pretty useless at times like these but I am so pleased to see you have decided to share your daily pain with us all as it does help.

I am sure most days are going by in a total daze. Going through the motions which then comes to a head at night when the brain tries to process what is going on.

I know this will be little comfort at this moment in time but I have spoken to a family who have gone through similar circumstance which you and your wife are experiencing at this moment in time. This couples in particular had twins which unfortunately resulted in one passing. I know it might be of little comfort but the other twin which too was struggling and survived.

The loss of Jessica is beyond tragic. For any couple to have to go through this makes very little sense. Daisy I am sure is a fighter as you all are and with Jessica watching over you all I am sure she will continue to fight and you will have your new baby daughter home with you in the near future.

I will be thinking about you all and hope to hear more positive news about your wife and Daisy in the coming days.

Stay strong mate.

Edited by ELUSIVEJIM on Thursday 20th April 13:30

Thank you for the kind words. I guess it wasn't that clear, reading one of my posts back-a bit ambiguous I suppose, but Daisy didn't survive either.

[TVR1]

Well folks, I guess out of respect for all of you who were kind enough to comment and email me I should make a final post....

The last few months have been challenging. In many ways. A few paperwork issues with the hospital etc. But in the end, we couldn't just use the 'disposal' service that the hospital offered.

We decided on a burial. Wonderful funeral director, no insistence on a service, a quiet goodbye.

My wife lost the plot a bit the day before and couldn't face the actual internment.

We decided it should be a private affair, no other friends or family, just my wife and I. But then I ended up saying goodbye on my own.

A hard day.

We were worried they would be on their own, on the long sleep but looking where they are, there are so many others to keep them company.....

We'll plant some flowers and cheer it up and tidy everything once the earth has settled.

Edited by TVR1 on Wednesday 25th October 21:21

[TVR1]

Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah said:

How very sad, no parent should have to bury their child. Try to stay strong.

If you don't mind me asking, what was behind the 6 month delay for her burial?

Don't mind the question at all. This was 6 weeks ago. To answer the question though, there was an issue over Coroners rules. Essentially, we argued the toss over 'born alive'. The rules say, no birth certificate before 26 weeks unless visible signs of life. we said there were, the midwifes said not. Some paperwork went missing and unless we wanted an autopsy (no chance) there was no way of proving that they were born alive. Videos of hearts beating and gasping for breath don't count, it seems. They aren't signs of life.

The Coroner used his discretion. There is the Law and then there is 'Coroners discretion'

Meetings and meetings.

In the end though, we didn't want them to go. Burial was the final end. We couldn't face it for quite a while.

[TVR1]

NDA said:

I hadn't expected to have tears in my eyes this evening.

On your own??

Christ, you've been through the mill. So, so sorry..... I can't really imagine.

We are such resilient creatures, you will come back from this abyss - you will never forget, but you will come back.

Really feel for you.

Thanks.

Please don't have tears, I've enough for them.

I wished my wife was there but it would have been disastrous for her. That seems strange but I understand it completely.

i didn't want to be there either. On my own or with the whole world beside me.

A line from a movie, that I sometimes think of;

'Why me Sarge?'

'Cos you're here son, cos you're here'

You just get on with it.

[TVR1]

Thank you for all of your replies.

It's strange how your mind works.

Last night, I had a strange dream. It was one of those living dreams.

For some reason, I arrived at a maternity ward and was in the Widvifes room.

They had boxed up the stillporns and little babies in those little plastic Tupperware containers that we all use. But I noticed that some of them were still alive.

I tried to get to them all and save them. I couldn't. They even asked me 'why don't you help me live?'

Screaming in my dreams and getting them out. No one helped me.


Obviously, it was a dream but if any of you know someone who has lost a child, forgive them moments of anger. It's really hard work.

[TVR1]

It doesn’t become better. Lights out from TVR1 see you all in another life.

[TVR1]

I’m ok guys. Actually just had Police here. Thank you if you called them. I’m not good. Just want to sleep. 🤷🏻‍♂️ It’s not me though.

I’ll be ok.

[TVR1]

Thank you all folks. I’m guessing it was a Mod that made contact. I’m not exactly hard to find (clearly🤣) Totally messed up, in my mind,yesterday . Tested + yesterday and mind was all over the place. Just had enough as business was getting better again and had to cancel again. So frustrating. So Ill last night and today but it seems to have broken so all good. It’s so frustrating what triggers. It was horrendous and I think about them everyday. My only sibling died the year before and my Mother last May so it all got a bit much. Thank you so much for caring. Particularly those that sent me a PM.

[TVR1]

The Rotrex Kid said:

We are actively on it and all levels of PH are aware, we are trying to get help sorted as we can but if anyone has any details for TVR1 please let us know. You can report this post and add any info there. Thanks

Thank you. Very much appreciated when life becomes so frustrating. On a lighter note, thankfully I left a window open. I did ask what would’ve happened if I didn’t? Response ‘you wouldn’t have any doors’. Humour in adversity? I really do appreciate your help Rotrex.

[TVR1]

Thanks what I meant to add was that it’s always there. Just waiting to trip you up. No silliness from me. So don’t worry folks.

[TVR1]

yesterjay said:

How's your kid TVR?

She must be what, six now... seven? Does she do swimming with the school.

Mine has lost confidence with it lately and has had a few extra half term lessons. Still seems to be able to summon the vigour for dive bombs though!

Yeah, 7. Swims like a Fish. There’s some family history with that. We’re going to Richmond Lido next week.

It’s odd what triggers. We had an amazing day yesterday and she just randomly said, I wish my sisters were still alive. In the way that children do. Just matter of fact. 🤣 I always answer her questions if she wants to know. But fk me, it makes me scream inside ‘so do I’

[TVR1]

Hey all.

I read this post all the time and sometimes embarrassed that i let myself out. But above all, I want to thank all of you who cared.

Yup, it’s that day again. I’m just thinking about them.

Anyone going through this experience? Message me.

I’ll hold your hand.

• normal life I’m not like this.