Divorce, mental health and weight gain
Discussion
Dont really know which section to post this in but it seemed sort of right here.
Starting near the beginning, I used to be thin, when I was early to mid 20s I was 13-14 stone, sort of active and sort of happy but suffered with anxiety and depression which meant that I didn't work for a while and didn't really eat, I lost a load of weight and everything basically built on itself, I went down to 11 stone (I'm 6'2"), had a turning point when a mate bailed me out with a job.
A year or so later, I met a girl, moved in with her, got married at 25 after being with her for 3 years or so.
Then because I was settled I put on what can only be described as a s
tload of weight, as you do...
Anyway, fast forward to now, I fked up and we are now divorced, totally my fault and I'm just about coping with the self loathing and feeling of letting myself down day to day.
The biggest issue is because we had a mortgage together and the house sale is still in progress, we are splitting the bills between us and neither of us are living in the house, it's completely empty.
My share of the bills is about 85% of my monthly wage (long story short, loads of debt from house renovation to try to spin a profit so we each ended up with some equity)
So basically, I'm sleeping at a relatives house, with no money, I've gained about 5 stone (not sure exactly how much as I can't afford scales
) and I'm single.
Obviously having suffered from depression before I know the signs but the current situation isn't making it easy for me, I hate the job I do but it pays well enough for me to not go bankrupt right now, although I'm not sure I actually hate it, it could be my head telling me that.
I can't afford to go out on a date, Not that there's much point anyway because explaining to someone that I'm sleeping on an air bed in someone's dining room won't go down too well and obviously that's bringing me down too.
I've managed to somehow negotiate a pay rise (I was worse off that the 85% situation) so that now pays for gym membership.
That's where I need the help really, I think I'm about 18.5 stone, I need to shift some of that, I'd like to be 15 stone as a realistic goal for now.
Sorry for babbling, not an easy story to tell concisely and it's not easy to type it, even to (mostly) strangers.
So has anyone been here and do you have any tips, either for my head or weight loss?
Starting near the beginning, I used to be thin, when I was early to mid 20s I was 13-14 stone, sort of active and sort of happy but suffered with anxiety and depression which meant that I didn't work for a while and didn't really eat, I lost a load of weight and everything basically built on itself, I went down to 11 stone (I'm 6'2"), had a turning point when a mate bailed me out with a job.
A year or so later, I met a girl, moved in with her, got married at 25 after being with her for 3 years or so.
Then because I was settled I put on what can only be described as a s
tload of weight, as you do...Anyway, fast forward to now, I f
ked up and we are now divorced, totally my fault and I'm just about coping with the self loathing and feeling of letting myself down day to day.The biggest issue is because we had a mortgage together and the house sale is still in progress, we are splitting the bills between us and neither of us are living in the house, it's completely empty.
My share of the bills is about 85% of my monthly wage (long story short, loads of debt from house renovation to try to spin a profit so we each ended up with some equity)
So basically, I'm sleeping at a relatives house, with no money, I've gained about 5 stone (not sure exactly how much as I can't afford scales
) and I'm single.Obviously having suffered from depression before I know the signs but the current situation isn't making it easy for me, I hate the job I do but it pays well enough for me to not go bankrupt right now, although I'm not sure I actually hate it, it could be my head telling me that.
I can't afford to go out on a date, Not that there's much point anyway because explaining to someone that I'm sleeping on an air bed in someone's dining room won't go down too well and obviously that's bringing me down too.
I've managed to somehow negotiate a pay rise (I was worse off that the 85% situation) so that now pays for gym membership.
That's where I need the help really, I think I'm about 18.5 stone, I need to shift some of that, I'd like to be 15 stone as a realistic goal for now.
Sorry for babbling, not an easy story to tell concisely and it's not easy to type it, even to (mostly) strangers.
So has anyone been here and do you have any tips, either for my head or weight loss?
I appreciate the replies, thanks.
I've already changed my diet, though not really through choice. I wasn't eating bad food as such, just lots of it, I used to cook every day and would enjoy cooking and give myself too big a portion, however, with the current situation, I'm no longer cooking for myself so have to rely on what ends up on the table for me.
I've also got myfitnesspal already, I've used it before and it was good but it's a lot easier to eat healthily when you can a) afford food and b) put it in a fridge which isn't raided by children!
I won't be cancelling the gym membership, the fact that I'm paying £40 a month for it is pushing me to go, whether I go or not, it costs me the same so I'm determined to get the best out of it.
Final point about the depression, I've been to the doctors before but was ok for the last 5 years or so, the last time I went, we lived in a different part of the country and I've never signed up with the local doctors here.
It's also not easy for me to get there, I work 15 miles from home (which I appreciate isn't too near) BUT I use a work van to get to and from so when I'm at work, I'm at work! To go to the doctors would mean having a day off work to sign up and another day off for each appointment because I can't afford the fuel to get to work using my own vehicle.
Sounds like a load of excuses but I'm trying to paint a better picture of the full situation.
I've already changed my diet, though not really through choice. I wasn't eating bad food as such, just lots of it, I used to cook every day and would enjoy cooking and give myself too big a portion, however, with the current situation, I'm no longer cooking for myself so have to rely on what ends up on the table for me.
I've also got myfitnesspal already, I've used it before and it was good but it's a lot easier to eat healthily when you can a) afford food and b) put it in a fridge which isn't raided by children!
I won't be cancelling the gym membership, the fact that I'm paying £40 a month for it is pushing me to go, whether I go or not, it costs me the same so I'm determined to get the best out of it.
Final point about the depression, I've been to the doctors before but was ok for the last 5 years or so, the last time I went, we lived in a different part of the country and I've never signed up with the local doctors here.
It's also not easy for me to get there, I work 15 miles from home (which I appreciate isn't too near) BUT I use a work van to get to and from so when I'm at work, I'm at work! To go to the doctors would mean having a day off work to sign up and another day off for each appointment because I can't afford the fuel to get to work using my own vehicle.
Sounds like a load of excuses but I'm trying to paint a better picture of the full situation.
Chainsaw Rebuild said:
Good luck mate, you are in a rough situation. I have a little bit of experience in a broadly similar situation. I would say don't worry about girls for now- you want to be sorting yourself out first (also once you are in shape you will have a better chance with prettier girls :wink:
Get a hobby that's active and cheap; that way you will get out the house and lose a bit extra weight. So perhaps join a sports team or club.
Another idea is you could get a job in the evening, such as a bar job. That would burn a few calories, make you a few pounds and get you out the house.
Are you in a position to apply for a better job or go for a promotion?
I use a piece of budgeting software called YNAB, it helped me manage my money better. If you do it you might be able to stretch you money further. Speaking of money, is there anyway you can reduce your debt; perhaps switching to zero interest cards or taking out a loan to consolidate your debt into a more manageable one? Have a look on somewhere like money saving expert or speak to a debt charity. Do not pay a debt management firm.
Finally, I live near Gatwick if you fancy a pint.
I've got a mountain bike which is my 'cheap' hobby, I need to dig it back out and use it at the weekends a bit more.Get a hobby that's active and cheap; that way you will get out the house and lose a bit extra weight. So perhaps join a sports team or club.
Another idea is you could get a job in the evening, such as a bar job. That would burn a few calories, make you a few pounds and get you out the house.
Are you in a position to apply for a better job or go for a promotion?
I use a piece of budgeting software called YNAB, it helped me manage my money better. If you do it you might be able to stretch you money further. Speaking of money, is there anyway you can reduce your debt; perhaps switching to zero interest cards or taking out a loan to consolidate your debt into a more manageable one? Have a look on somewhere like money saving expert or speak to a debt charity. Do not pay a debt management firm.
Finally, I live near Gatwick if you fancy a pint.
The money thing is the big part of the problem, it's crushing working 8-6 every day and having next to nothing immediately after pay day. All of the debt is from the house, mortgage, bills, loan for the kitchen and bathroom and so on. Fortunately, the house sale is almost complete, all the paperwork is dealt with it's just a matter of getting everyone to agree a completion date. That'll be the turning point, I'll be able to move into somewhere of my own, eat better and come and go as I please without disturbing anyone.
Appreciate the offer of a drink, I'm in Northampton though so it's a bit of a trek for me, thanks anyway.
esuuv said:
Run - seriously, doesn't matter how slowly, or how far you go.
Don't take your phone / headphones - just run - its free (you already have trainers - you go to the gym) - weight will fall off, its remarkably good for some quiet time - gets you some time to clear your head, away from distractions......................
I tried that, this is the reason I joined the gym, running made me realise just how much I absolutely hate running Don't take your phone / headphones - just run - its free (you already have trainers - you go to the gym) - weight will fall off, its remarkably good for some quiet time - gets you some time to clear your head, away from distractions......................
I struggle a little because at the moment I suffer from the same issue women seem to with my chest and I get terrible shin splints, so I've had to resort to other cardio at the gym, which I know isn't as effective.Vandenberg said:
I understand the pain of the house sale during a split, I was paying all the house bills plus renting a small flat and legal fees and it was a long and painful 18 months dragged out by her actions.
What stood out for at the time and helped me get through it was the small acts of kindness shown to me by my colleagues and friends, the offer of a pint and a ear was better than any therapy session and the 14" crt Tv that a colleague bought me saved me from sinking into a depression.
The day I went to the solicitors to collect my share of the house and the paperwork was a turning point, I literally danced in the street like a loon. The weight on my shoulders lifted as I stepped out of their door.
Good luck OP it will get better.
I'd better learn to dance then!What stood out for at the time and helped me get through it was the small acts of kindness shown to me by my colleagues and friends, the offer of a pint and a ear was better than any therapy session and the 14" crt Tv that a colleague bought me saved me from sinking into a depression.
The day I went to the solicitors to collect my share of the house and the paperwork was a turning point, I literally danced in the street like a loon. The weight on my shoulders lifted as I stepped out of their door.
Good luck OP it will get better.
I've already had a couple of the random acts of kindness like mates turning up to drag me out to the pub when I was still living at home, it's amazing how much it helps.
kurt535 said:
Lots going on in your post.
Scuse the phrase but how do you eat an elephant? a small piece at a time.
How about setting just 3 targets a week?
1 food based - like dropping choccie bars or masses of carbs
1 exercise based - walk briskly for 30 mins over the week
1 mind well-being based - something that makes you forget time a little
and add a small target every week until you actually fancy running/cycling/swimming. it may take several weeks. no point just going for it as your personal life doesn't sound stable yet so is likely to set you up to fail. keep to things you have control over.
I already don't eat chocolate or sweets, no sugary drinks, I drink loads of water (that's one good thing which has stuck with me from suffering panic attacks years ago!) it's just the carbs really.Scuse the phrase but how do you eat an elephant? a small piece at a time.
How about setting just 3 targets a week?
1 food based - like dropping choccie bars or masses of carbs
1 exercise based - walk briskly for 30 mins over the week
1 mind well-being based - something that makes you forget time a little
and add a small target every week until you actually fancy running/cycling/swimming. it may take several weeks. no point just going for it as your personal life doesn't sound stable yet so is likely to set you up to fail. keep to things you have control over.
I can commit a lot of time to the gym or whatever because I don't have anything else to do, I COULD go every night but obviously need a rest day or two each week.
Point number 3 is an interesting one, I've done that a couple of times, I went to the BTCC season opener this year at Brands but spent the whole time sat there thinking 'I can't afford to be here', then last Thursday, I went to a gig in Peterborough, on my own. That's the problem, doing stuff on your own is rubbish, but I'm going to keep doing it so it gets less strange for me, I'd rather do stuff alone than not do it at all!
Ok so a little update,
After the most stressful start to a week throughout the whole thing, the contracts were signed and exchanged on the house on Tuesday (I thought I was going to totally fall apart on Monday evening because that's when it should have happened so I didn't sleep a wink) and Friday is completion day so I'll be getting my settlement monies and be debt free
That means I can finally start looking for somewhere to live for myself, had a quick look yesterday but there's nothing for sale or even to let where I want to be, not even one house in my price range! Just my luck!
Can't even begin to explain how much relief it was to exchange contracts and I'm sure there will be even more of that feeling when the money is in the bank.
Downside is I've not been to the gym this week because my head has been all over the place.
After the most stressful start to a week throughout the whole thing, the contracts were signed and exchanged on the house on Tuesday (I thought I was going to totally fall apart on Monday evening because that's when it should have happened so I didn't sleep a wink) and Friday is completion day so I'll be getting my settlement monies and be debt free
That means I can finally start looking for somewhere to live for myself, had a quick look yesterday but there's nothing for sale or even to let where I want to be, not even one house in my price range!
Just my luck!Can't even begin to explain how much relief it was to exchange contracts and I'm sure there will be even more of that feeling when the money is in the bank.
Downside is I've not been to the gym this week because my head has been all over the place.
OK, so it's update time...
Found myself a flat in the village I grew up in, which is where all my immediate family still live. It's great having my own space but it's got electric heating and after struggling to keep it warm over the winter, I've been hit with a humungous electricity bill, so my heating has been off and I've had to cope with being cold permanently. I'm definitely not going to be able to be here another winter but i'll worry about that in six months or so...
It's also the first time ever I've lived alone so I'm constantly checking I've paid bills, I must have checked that I'd paid my car insurance 8 times last month for fear of forgetting something.
I've dug my bike out of my brother's garage and used it a few times but the weather still isn't really warm enough for me, not being able to stick the heating on when I get home means I don't fancy freezing my self half to death on a bike ride!
I thought I'd be good at cooking for myself again but I'm not, definitely need to work on that again because my diet it absolutely terrible, although I have lost about half a stone since moving in which is a start I suppose.
The biggest issue I've been having is my panic attacks have started creeping back in, mainly when I'm at work (it all stems from not being able to escape a situation so being at work and not being able to take myself away for ten minutes for a breather doesn't help and my work isn't particularly accommodating of ad hoc breaks) but also in some social situations. I spent a whole day with a couple of mates a few weeks back and ended up having to attempt to hide a full blown panic attack in a restaurant in front of them after having a really good day out. I've read Aaron Gillies' excellent book on depression and anxiety and decided it's time to get some proper help again, if I can work out where to start with that so hopefully that will help, if I can get the time off work that is.
I've stopped going to the gym because the place I've moved in to has an on site health club with a pool, however, since moving in in December, it's been 'closed for maintenance' ever single day, so I'm paying more rent than I should be for something I'm not getting, which is nice, found my running shoes the other day though so I'm might give that a go one evening this week.
I'm still single as well, my colleagues keep mocking me because it's been almost two years since me and my ex wife decided it was over and I've not bothered trying to find anyone new, I've always been pretty terrible at talking to women anyway and the stress of divorce, anxiety, low self esteem and so on hasn't helped.
Oh and half my beard has gone grey, all on one side. I look like a Cruella De Vil's fat brother.
Rambled on a bit again then but it felt great to get it all off my chest!
Found myself a flat in the village I grew up in, which is where all my immediate family still live. It's great having my own space but it's got electric heating and after struggling to keep it warm over the winter, I've been hit with a humungous electricity bill, so my heating has been off and I've had to cope with being cold permanently. I'm definitely not going to be able to be here another winter but i'll worry about that in six months or so...
It's also the first time ever I've lived alone so I'm constantly checking I've paid bills, I must have checked that I'd paid my car insurance 8 times last month for fear of forgetting something.
I've dug my bike out of my brother's garage and used it a few times but the weather still isn't really warm enough for me, not being able to stick the heating on when I get home means I don't fancy freezing my self half to death on a bike ride!
I thought I'd be good at cooking for myself again but I'm not, definitely need to work on that again because my diet it absolutely terrible, although I have lost about half a stone since moving in which is a start I suppose.
The biggest issue I've been having is my panic attacks have started creeping back in, mainly when I'm at work (it all stems from not being able to escape a situation so being at work and not being able to take myself away for ten minutes for a breather doesn't help and my work isn't particularly accommodating of ad hoc breaks) but also in some social situations. I spent a whole day with a couple of mates a few weeks back and ended up having to attempt to hide a full blown panic attack in a restaurant in front of them after having a really good day out. I've read Aaron Gillies' excellent book on depression and anxiety and decided it's time to get some proper help again, if I can work out where to start with that so hopefully that will help, if I can get the time off work that is.
I've stopped going to the gym because the place I've moved in to has an on site health club with a pool, however, since moving in in December, it's been 'closed for maintenance' ever single day, so I'm paying more rent than I should be for something I'm not getting, which is nice, found my running shoes the other day though so I'm might give that a go one evening this week.
I'm still single as well, my colleagues keep mocking me because it's been almost two years since me and my ex wife decided it was over and I've not bothered trying to find anyone new, I've always been pretty terrible at talking to women anyway and the stress of divorce, anxiety, low self esteem and so on hasn't helped.
Oh and half my beard has gone grey, all on one side. I look like a Cruella De Vil's fat brother.
Rambled on a bit again then but it felt great to get it all off my chest!
I know exactly what the issue was, the 3kw immersion heater had been on 24 hours a day since I moved in, so along with the heating, I was using 4.75kw of electricity a day relentlessly! Since switching it off (which means I can't have a bath, only showers and have to boil the kettle for hot washing up water) it's back to normal, I'm using hardly any. Very stressful trying to find the money for the bill though, it's really not what I needed but like I say, it's something I've made an error with and have to deal with so it is what it is.
How odd, I've not checked this forum for ages but felt like I should today, must be psychic.
Anyway, update time...
I've been in my flat for just over a year and it still doesn't feel like home, I renewed the tenancy for another year because it's easier but I think during the really cold months I'll regret that choice, we'll see.
I took myself on holiday for my birthday in July, 3 days in Cornwall and 3 days in the Peaks back to back (mega mistake, drive from St Ives to Derby in one go... never again), it was great to be away but I found it really difficult at the same time. I used to go to St Ives with my ex regularly so everything reminded me of when we went together. Battled through it and half enjoyed it though so all was not lost.
I had therapy sessions for my panic attacks and on the most part, they now seem to be under control so that was (a lot of) money well spent I think.
Financially I'm still worried constantly but I have a solution for that, I made an error buying a car I didn't need to replace the one I already had and it's costing me more to run than I want so it's going early next year which will mean I'm a little more comfortable when that's sorted.
Last weekend I went to London on my own to meet my brother to go to a gig, sat facing backwards on the train, which is my worst nightmare because of travel sickness and I was absolutely fine, not even a hint of panic about it. Might not seem like a big deal to most but that's massive for me!
Exercise has been a complete non starter for me, that's something which still needs some work but I have a plan for that too.
The only thing left to conquer really is the depression, I'm alright at the moment which is odd as I find Christmas pretty tough and overall I've been OK this year but there's been some real lows too.
I'm definitely in a better place than I have been.
Anyway, update time...
I've been in my flat for just over a year and it still doesn't feel like home, I renewed the tenancy for another year because it's easier but I think during the really cold months I'll regret that choice, we'll see.
I took myself on holiday for my birthday in July, 3 days in Cornwall and 3 days in the Peaks back to back (mega mistake, drive from St Ives to Derby in one go... never again), it was great to be away but I found it really difficult at the same time. I used to go to St Ives with my ex regularly so everything reminded me of when we went together. Battled through it and half enjoyed it though so all was not lost.
I had therapy sessions for my panic attacks and on the most part, they now seem to be under control so that was (a lot of) money well spent I think.
Financially I'm still worried constantly but I have a solution for that, I made an error buying a car I didn't need to replace the one I already had and it's costing me more to run than I want so it's going early next year which will mean I'm a little more comfortable when that's sorted.
Last weekend I went to London on my own to meet my brother to go to a gig, sat facing backwards on the train, which is my worst nightmare because of travel sickness and I was absolutely fine, not even a hint of panic about it. Might not seem like a big deal to most but that's massive for me!
Exercise has been a complete non starter for me, that's something which still needs some work but I have a plan for that too.
The only thing left to conquer really is the depression, I'm alright at the moment which is odd as I find Christmas pretty tough and overall I've been OK this year but there's been some real lows too.
I'm definitely in a better place than I have been.
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