Life to date

[karma2018]

I have obviously made up a new profile to post this as only very close family members and authorities know about what I am going to disclose. Some people know about certain things as we were in a small town and people found out.

After watching Patrick Melrose which was a drama staring Benedict Cumberbatch I though sharing things might help me.

Just hoping that writing it out might give me a bit of peace.

1. Between the ages of 0-6 I was sexually abused by my father. If it was not me then it was my sister so I was locked in a cupboard so he could keep me out of the way. I remember him doing things when 7/8 but I thought he was confused thinking it was my mother. At that age I was able to move him away. My mother kept taking us as kids to the doctors and they said we were allergic to bath products. Will not go into details. I was circumcised aged 5 but no idea if this was connected.

2. Had my first panic attack aged 6. Kept it to myself until around the age of 24/25. I presume I had a breakdown. Remember running to school everyday as i was just scared all the time. From about 12 years old I became very withdrawn and Agoraphobic. Hated anyone siting or standing behind me. Would hide in the toilets so not to have to go to school assembly but would get caught and have detention for most of my school life. I was off school for about 9 months as just too scared to go. Just before that time two teachers would make my life hell as I was useless at Art. Another because I was terrible at French. Would make me stand up in the corner as they said there was no point me even trying. Eventually I was forced back. Agoraphobia was very bad then.

3. Just a very clingy child to my mother. Anxious if she left me. If she went for a night out with my father "which was extremely rare" my sister and I would take turns to make ourselves sick so she had to come home. My mother was ill and in hospital for 4-5 days which mean't we were alone with my father. Remember being scared to sleep but not knowing why. I still don't get why I couldn't remember what he did. My sister can and remembers me being abused in another room.

4. Three days before my 21st birthday I was attacked by a German Shepherd. It jumped up and grabbed my by the mouth and would not let go. Was repeatedly punching it in the ribs until it finally let go. Later found out it had killed another dogs puppy and it attacked the vet as it had to be put down. It was not the dogs fault but the owner. They had to use the inside of my mouth to heal the wounds so I had a bit area of pink instead of my normal skin colour. This made my life hell as going out was even harder. Obviously needed a few other plastic surgery operations to get things corrected.

5. So many broken relationships. Girls who my friends would say "how did you manage that" but I just couldn't give what they wanted. Funny enough each one then married straight after me which says it all. I just had too many internal issues.

6. Aged 24 I was in another relationship but she was pretty wicked. Would cheat all the time and rub my nose in it. They after not speaking to her for 3 months she phoned me saying she was expecting my baby. I panicked which was nothing new. She wanted to get an abortion so we went to London with cash. It was the worst journey ever. Having Agoraphobia and going to do this was horrendous. When we got there and the checks were done she was further on than she thought. They would not do anything. I sat and begged the Dr but he would not take the money. I feel sick looking back at that time. My daughter is with me full time now which I will explain further down.

7. Tried to make it work with the ex as we now had a child. Just got worse. She would get me to look after my daughter and go out herself. Phone me to look out the window of my house and be there looking up and kissing some other guy. This happened all the time until I finally said enough was enough. Then when my daughter was about a year old she was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy. I was again gutted but loved her so much so it didn't matter. She is my world.

8. Met another girl about 3 years later. Stunning girl inside and out and really helped me with my demons. She didn't know about the abuse but she just loved me which made a big difference. But that fell apart as well. The agoraphobia just kept winning. She left me and then got married about a year later. Took me 3 years to get over her. Met another girl who was again beautiful inside and out. That finished in 2012. That was my last relationship.

9. It was 2011 and my sister was drunk. She disclosed to my mother that my father had sexually abuse her. My mother was not happy with my father anyway. He was a horrible controlling man but she stayed with him for the family. Anyway she told me and obviously I knew. That was a second massive blow for her as you can imagine. But when it was disclosed to the police they said it was historic and there was not enough proof. My uncle even left a message on the home answering machine giving him an alibi. When we recorded it they said they could not hear anything. It was clear as day and he even said his name. I still think my father was part of a ring as the protection he got was unbelievable. While going through this stress my aunt's told my mother that when one of my other aunts went to stay with my mother and him he tried to rape her. Why didn't they tell my mother that YEARS AGO!!!!

10. Daughter was in her mother care but was coming across saying things like "I don't like men and men smell" She would also state other things. She was with her mother but at her Grand Parents. Long story short she disclosed that the Grandfather was abusing her sexually. You would think that would be enough but due to her Cerebral Palsy they authorities would not believe her. She has learning difficulties as well which they used against her. When she was interviewed her mother was there making sure she was too scared to speak. They all protected him instead of her. This battle with the authorities went on from my daughters age of 9 to 15 years. The mother and her family knew about my father so they kept stating that we were damaged and putting things into my daughters head. Finally my daughter came over with bruising and her mother on top of everything had been hitting her. She was in my care since 2016. We got a new Social Worker and they saw between the lines. Again sexual abuse and In could do nothing to stop my daughter being abused. Spent £48,000 trying to protect her and everyone backed the mother. She still will disclose what happened to her and has night tremors. Just felt so helpless. Oh and when this was going on guess who was visiting them ? My father.

11. Going through a Court case at this moment in time as the mother of my daughter took all her savings out of her account and wiped it. £10,000 gone.

12. Lost my dog a little while ago. She was like a therapy dog and was just there for me going through all the worst times. Having to have her put down just broke me again. Then last week a friend killed himself. That is why I am writing this now.

13. I could go on and on. Agoraphobia is still a huge issue. My daughter, Sis and Mother are away on holiday. I am at home. Can't travel. I can go locally but anything else is a huge issue. Need valium or a drink and I feel normal for once in my life. Been to every expert and tried counselling the lot. Even tried alternative therapies. Spent thousands on people stating they will help me. Nothing works. Was on antidepressants for 22 years. They numbed me but I had no feelings and could not show emotions. Also put weight on. Not a lot but I felt terrible. My sister has other issues. Thankfully not Agoraphobia but still bad.

14. Just feel totally exhausted. I have no friends as many have gone as I just made excused as I could not go out. Others back stabbed me or didn't want to know when I got drunk and mentioned what had happened. Obviously because we were in a small town word got out very quickly. Thankfully moved away.

I have no idea why I and writing this. I think I am hoping by sharing it I might get some peace. I hate being negative and keep trying to slap myself and get a grip. But the brain just keeps controlling me. I should be able to get over this and stop letting the past control me.

Each time something seems to be working out it gets taken away or I lose it.

Just so tired and annoyed with myself.

I want to be the perfect father. My daughter and I have a very close bond but holidays are something I can't partake. So stupid I allow my brain to control me.

I just have to be in control of everything to do with travel. This is why I drive all the time. Unless I have had a drink and the brain calms down.

It has taken me 2 hours to post this and I am still feeling ashamed that I don't have control of things.

Sorry for sharing this. I hope it does not upset anyone who has been abused in the past.

I am not looking for sympathy. Just trying to get rid of what is in my head.

Edited by karma2018 on Monday 20th August 17:09

[karma2018]

MYOB said:

Wow, I have nothing to say that will help but well done on doing your best by your daughter. Many will have given up but you haven't.

It's surprising your father is still on the scene. Is he still with your mum? You need to cut him loose somehow and keep him away from your daughter as well as yourself.

Keep fighting the fight.

Sorry my post is a bit vague. So much more happened but it would go on forever so was trying to keep it shortish.

No my mother left him as soon as she was told. He wasn't exactly very nice to her either as you can imagine.

As you say keep fighting.

Thank you.

[karma2018]

Sheets Tabuer said:

jesus christ, how you've not snapped I don't know.

Someone touched my daughter it would be the last thing they did.

It has crossed my mind but I am sure I would be number one suspect.

Knowing both my father and that creep got off with it is very hard to accept.

Your natural instinct is to protect or get justice but I know I have to be there for my daughter and not behind bars.

[karma2018]

Vocal Minority said:

I'm very sorry to hear that all of this happened to you. It doesn't bear thinking about for many of us, and you are to be commended for your courage in speaking about it - And I am very sorry for your most recent loss.

I really hope this provides you with at least some of the catharsis you seek.

Edited by Vocal Minority on Tuesday 21st August 14:21

Edited by Vocal Minority on Tuesday 21st August 15:20

Thank you for your message.

I was actually physically sick half way through writing the OP but perhaps it's a reaction that needed to happen. Hopefully it might just ease the memories now it's been written out.

The fact I chose to make up a new profile is perhaps part of the problem. It was ingrained not to speak as it were.

[karma2018]

HustleRussell said:

I can't say a thing to help but I hope that putting all of that down was cathartic.

Your daughter is all the reason you need to keep fighting. You have succeeded in getting this far and this is to your credit.

You have to stay strong and keep control of your own actions. Don't give them a single thing to have them believe that you are anything other than the best parent to your daughter. I feel that you must already be succeeding here as things are so heavily stacked in favour of the mother and you are able to care for your child.

You have survived so many challenges now. Just well done. Look after your own physical and mental health as best you can. Don't give up on your own mental health journey either- you have taken a step today, treat it as a new beginning.

Thank you for your words.

Yes the most important thing is my daughter, mother and sister. My daughter situation is clearly much more recent so I am 100% focused on her well being.

When she came into my care it was not 100% guaranteed that would remain in place as she was under the same social work department which were clearly in the mother favour. I was even called a bully but the main investigation police officer because I kept making complaints that were fiction in their eyes. I have a list of the people who forced my daughter back into that situation.

Anyway when she was in my care I took her straight to a Children's First counselling service for kids and she was spoken to by the professional without the knowledge of Social Work or the Police. This was twice a week and she was spoken to by herself. I just dropped her off and waited in the car. I also asked for the services of a Children's Rights officer.

This along with having medical needs attended too. She struggled to walk as her left foot due to the cerebral palsy was bent over and it was painful for her. She basically walked on the side of her foot. She saw a specialist and they operated on her and she can now walk without any aids and is pain free.

Yes her walking is not perfect but at least 90% better.

Her teeth needed braces and other health issues were fixed.

Cut a long story short because she was in my care and I was in a different area from her mother the closest social work department took over. She obviously read what was said about me and at the first meeting said "I hear your daughter likes to lie or has been forced to by you"

You can imagine I had to restrain my emotions.

Anyway I disclosed to her that my daughter was at the counsellor and also been speaking to the Children's Rights officer. She left with the numbers and obviously contacted both bodies.

I think this is when things changed. The counsellor stated to social work that my daughter was a very scared girl and had been manipulated by her mother and family. She also stated that she had 100% been abused both sexually and physically. I don't know the full details as it was between my daughter and the professional but it was pretty harrowing. The pictures she drew made me sick.

During this time the mothers family twice tried to kidnap her from school and then again at a road junction on the way home. My daughter had to attend the same school which unfortunately was in the home town of the mother's family. Thankfully I was picking her up that day so they got the message to back off. They then appeared at my own house and sat outside. I phoned the police who arrived. We went out to explain what happened and they were told to leave. I then got a visit from the police a week later giving me a warning for being abusive while they were outside the house. The police officers who turned up were then off duty for about two weeks. Finally this was retracted but again something was going on with the authorities.

Anyway this went on for another year which we had to attend 6 separate meetings to see if she would remain in my care. These days were hell. Thankfully the new social worker was 100% behind me now with the information I had provided and the care.

What was very telling was during the last two meeting her mother didn't turn up and only sent her solicitor. Finally after a year of guessing and fighting the panel agreed that my daughter should be in my care full time and without any contact from her mother or family unless she wanted to change that.

I have Power of Attorney in place so if anything was to happen to me my daughter would be safe.

Edited by karma2018 on Wednesday 22 August 20:14

[karma2018]

Vocal Minority said:

It's deeply harrowing - I am sorry you have been through all this.

But - whilst it may not feel like it - your daughter clearly inspires you to have a core of solid steel. We should all be so brave.

I really hope you find a way of learning how to tap into that strength consistently and with the certainty now surrounding your daughter - can start to bring some joy back into your lives.

Given your respective stories I am sure it feels like a long and steep road - but you bring each other hope and that's a great start.

It's strange how the brain works.

I was able to fight for my daughter and family but when it comes to myself the brain just closes down.

You would think dealing with the above would make you stronger and rock solid but alas.

I think it's been such a fight since being in this life that you just get exhausted.

Obviously the panic attacks and agoraphobia is the body releasing the stress but it's something I could really do without. But for so many years I have been on high alert with everything that has happened that I just can't relax.

I have been out of work which was basically at the same time as my daughter came to stay with me full time.

It was a good thing as I could give her 110% of my energy to her for the last few years.

I am her carer as well so travel 80 miles a day taking her to and from College as she is high risk for public transport.

As you can imagine this is far from easy for me with agoraphobia. I try my hardest not to show her what I am going through doing this daily but I know by pushing myself the agoraphobia will get easier. So they say

But at least I can do it for her.

Thank you both again and for everyone who took the time to read my post.

I always revert to this when I feel angry

[karma2018]

oldbanger said:

I want to thank you for posting OP. It must have been incredibly hard. You have come so very far and your strength of character shines out loud and clear.

Keep fighting the fight. And that includes making sure you help yourself as much as you can - parents need to secure their own oxygen supply if they want to help their children to survive.

Trauma centred therapies have come on in leaps and bounds in the last decade or so, which might be helpful both for yourself and your daughter.

I couldn’t say what will specifically help you, but there are quite a few options.

EMDR is available on the NHS, then there are therapies such as Havening, now being trialled in the uk with children, and sensorimotor therapy.

One great book is
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RE...

I wish you well.

Thank you

I have been to so many different experts over a long period of time. The main issue about receiving help for me was that I could not fully remember what had happened to me. They were treating me for anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia but the root cause was not established. It was not until my sister disclosed what had been going on that the memories for me started to come back. Even now everything while very young is a bit of a blur.

My father slipped up with my sister when she was around 8 years old. He was drunk and came up the stairs. We had our own bedrooms at this stage so were separated. He tried the same thing again but my mother came up the stair so he quickly stopped and stated he was just saying night. Will not say what he was actually doing. I think him changing his actions when our mother came up the stair was proof to my sister that this was in fact wrong.

She only disclosed this much later on when the investigations were taking place but this was the moment for her.

There was another time when my so called Uncle (his brother) was staying with us in the family home. He had his GF/wife to be staying with us but they were waiting to get married and buy a house. He walked in on my father with us. Nothing was said but my father left the room. I don't again remember everything but I vividly remember him standing at the doorway.

This is the one who gave my father an alibi.

It sounds crazy now that we thought this was normal but I think we were just conditioned. He had a way of controlling everyone. My mothers life with him was not exactly a bed of roses. Very controlling. You would not believe the things he and his family did to her but that's another story.

Thank you for mentioning EDMR and Havening. I will look into both.

[karma2018]

oldbanger said:

YMMV but I have found these shaking exercise surprisingly effective. Especially for something which looks like a load of old bunkum

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trauma-Releasing-Exercise...

Thank you again.

That book looks very good. Will give it a try.

[karma2018]

Big_Dog said:

You have had some evil experiences but despite all you have achieved a great deal.
Keep going forward even a bit forward is still forward.
Have you tried EMDR works well with PTSD?

Thank you. Going to look into EMDR.

I have had CBT and many other forms of therapy but I don't think I have had EMDR.

Thank you again

[karma2018]

StevieBee said:

The ability to articulate your situation with the elegance you have suggests to me that you have a far greater level of control than you might imagine.

Sadly, posts of this nature do occasionally crop up on this thread but rarely is the full picture as clear from the outset. The fact that you are able to pinpoint precisely the root causes of your situation from the off means that you are far closer to finding a resolution than you might otherwise be.

If it helps....

A good friend of mine was abused in his early teens - one of several lads also abused by a music teacher who was subsequently prosecuted. I only became friends with him when he was 18 and knew nothing of what had happened until he was in his mid 20s. He's from an 'armed services' family (Navy, Army, Police) and the sort of family that suppresses discussion of an emotional nature. As a result, he had no means to vent his feelings and left the experience bubbling away in a box. This box was opened when we saw the bloke who'd abused him, having been released from prison, walking through the high street near to where he lived at time.

My friend then spent the best part of 10 years on what he now somewhat flippantly refers to as a mental sabbatical. This culminated in him attempting to take his own life - a very real attempt I might add - but thankfully was unsuccessful.

He's now 49 and a perfectly well and properly functioning human being with a lovely family. I've never really talked openly or directly about what happened with him apart from the process of resolution. Two things happened that turned the tide:

The first is that he started playing the trumpet again. This was the instrument that he was being taught by the bloke who abused him so for years, he associated the trumpet with the abuse. When he picked it up again, it was a case of 'fk you - you're not taking this from me'. He now plays in a big band, thoroughly enjoys it and is bloody good.

And the second, realising that he was not going to get any meaningful emotional support from his family and not wanting to burden friends (although I also think there was a certain amount of embarrassment playing a part on this), he did seek support via various groups and for a while, he ended up leading one of those groups. This was hugely cathartic for him.

I do hope you find your own trumpet. It is out there!

Good luck.

Thank you for your post

Yes finally having the root cause has made things easier but strange in another way. Basically until my sister disclosed things I was in the dark. I thought I was just someone who should be locked up in a ward and forgotten about. I just felt different to everyone else and not normal.

So many therapy sessions were useless as they just couldn't get the the issue.

I remember I had kidney stones and then some other issues so went to see a specialist. As long as I can remember I always had a sore bottom. I became obsessed about being clean and using cream daily. Spoke to a doctor about it and was put to see a specialist. He did the rectal examination and as soon as he went near me I went from a lying down positing to standing up in one movement.

He sat me down and said I was not to worry about that as he will just let it go. Asked if I was ok and if I wanted to speak about anything. I think by my reaction he knew but could not exactly state.

My doctor received the results, which obviously for the bottom issues were fine, asked if anything had happened in my childhood. Even then it still didn't click.

In 2010 when it was disclosed I was just numb. I had the answer I had been wait for and the memories started to come back. Sounds crazy but the my mothers side of the family were saying that this is not normal etc. Having the answer helped so much but it also made my life seem worthless as I had been living a lie.

Think this is why the panic attacks and agoraphobia is still present. It's so normal to me like the abuse was that I would actually need training into a different way of life.

Thankfully your friend was unsuccessful in his attempt to take his own life. It's very sad that we are driven by other people sick actions to feel like the only way of stopping the mind and feeling is to end it all. I fully understand why someone would do this to get away. What angers me is when people state someone who does this is a coward. I think it's something that no one should ever have to feel but it is not a coward who takes their own lives.

To see his abuser in the street released must have been hell. Clearly that set him back which would only be natural. The temptation to do something must have been huge even if he is not a violent man

His family sounds very much like my fathers. Not at all connected with any of the armed services but just regimental. My fathers family were a strange bunch and i am sure they knew exactly what he was like.

Must have taken a lot of strength to start playing the trumpet after what he went through. That connection with the instrument would have been very negative but he has made that into a positive now. You can only admire him for that. It takes inner strength.

I am also delighted to hear that he has a family. It can be very hard to open up to anyone in a loving manor. Well I find this difficult. But it is a stable situation for him which is a blessing

Yes there is an element of shame and that is why we normally keep things from others. I remember being drunk once and confided in a close friend who then distanced himself from me. This made opening up even harder. Even when going through the things with my daughter a cousin stated that we were not to speak about anything like that in front of her kids. We never would have but I found this unbelievable that she would think this way. Perhaps if she was more open with her children and told them about these things it might protect them in a future situation.

Anyway that was her choice.

It is good to hear a positive story and the journey your friend has had.

Thank you.

Edited by karma2018 on Wednesday 22 August 14:02

[karma2018]

FocusRS3 said:

You're an amazing man well done for posting

Thank you..

The only part of me that is amazing is my daughter. I would never have thought she would be in my care and have a safe opportunity at life going forward.

This is something that helps me at least find peace watching her blossom

However it burns my soul to this day that I had to put her back knowing what was going on and could do nothing.

She use to plead with me not to put her back. Twice Sheriff officers came and took her away as I would/could not do it. This obviously made matters worse and they restricted access.

Just hard to grasp at times what went on.

Thank you again.

Edited by karma2018 on Wednesday 22 August 14:29

[karma2018]

FocusRS3 said:

I'm sure the vast majority of us on here cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and what you've had to go through with your Daughter.

Remember these were all things out of your control so what happens going forward from those dreadful happenings is where its all at now.

Enjoy time with your Princess and all the best

Thank you mate.

[karma2018]

geeks said:

I don't know what to add to this that either has not been said or doesn't need saying but just wanted to add my support for you OP!

Your daughter clearly inspires you and that can only be a positive thing. If you ever want to chat I'll add my name to the endless PM list, anytime!

Thank you. Really appreciate your offer to PM.

[karma2018]

xyz123 said:

Well done OP for having strength to share this, it can't have been easy. I truly hope your life takes a positive turn soon.. I am By no means qualified to provide advice but have you tried meditation to see if it can help...

Meditation is something I would like to try again.

Now things have calmed down a bit I will make sure I try and practice this on a daily basis.

Think that is the key to these types of self help is repetition which you can get a bit slack on.

Thank you

[karma2018]

NDA said:

Just occasionally you can read something that is so dark, so evil, so alien to your own experience..... I've just read it.

How could a parent do this to a child?

OP you have my admiration for having been on the most appalling journey of utter loneliness - and you've emerged.

I can't offer any advice as I can barely even comprehend what you've been through.

This post really got to me for some reason.

Find it hard reading messages of support.

Thankfully my mother was the complete opposite to my father. She did everything with us and was exactly what you would expect from a parent.

I will never forget her face when she approached me about the abuse. She really was broken.

It was very hard seeing my mother go through this and blaming herself for not protecting us.

Unfortunately I then endured the same feeling with my daughter.

They say forgiveness is the best medicine.

It's just very hard to forgive at times.

Thank you

[karma2018]

S100HP said:

What he said.

If you are ever near the New Forest and want a pint then let us know.

Thank you mate

[karma2018]

coyft said:

You need to change your thought patterns. In order to do that you need to your brain to create new neural pathways.

I know a few people that have completed this course and it has transformed their lives.

https://lightningprocess.com/

Thank you for posting this information.