How do you get through divorce?

[Shadowy_me]

At the moment I’m broken. As per the other threads, everything is my fault but I don’t know how to get through this. I’m moved out of the matrimonial home into my Father’s house who died three months ago. I do not know what to do. My days are empty, I don’t want to be here anymore.

How do you get over this? I can’t see a way out.

[Shadowy_me]

Thank you for all the advice. I don’t really have any friends and it’s difficult to process all of this. I’m old (51) and can’t see this getting any better. I’m sure it will based on what you all said. What I really want is to get back to my wife and family. It doesn’t really make sense to continue without that.

Money will be okay — she wants 75% (basically everything) and I get to keep my Fathers inherited house and she wants some maintenance per month. My children are at Uni and we will support them.

Don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m just down, lonely, depressed and always found here a good place for practical advice (on my “real” username) and wanted some human contact.

[Shadowy_me]

Thank you. My wife is a Ferrari physically and I will miss that. I do however just want to be happy.

Life is bleak, we are still talking but most of the time it is blame on me (which I deserve) and I very passively take it. Some communication is better than none and I crave for the phone to ring or that text from her.

[Shadowy_me]

Unfortunately I've gone back on the booze. Otherwise time just drags. I have a HUGE project which is renovating my parents house, but I can't face doing anything. I just want to sit and look at the wall or watch mindless things on the internet.

I am trying to connect with people, but managed to socially isolate myself over the years and have no-one really.

[Shadowy_me]

I have started on some renovation. It’s really hard and I have no motivation. Or friends. Not sure how that happened.

[Shadowy_me]

I'm in Kent, sorry about that

[Shadowy_me]

bristolracer said:

Do you have no friends because it was never encouraged or it was controlled when you were married? Did you feel guilty for wanting to follow your own hobbies and friendships?

It is difficult when you are older but as others have said get into some clubs/ hobbies, golf,classic cars, sailing, rambling, loads out there.
Do something you have always fancied having a go at, something you couldn't or were not allowed to do when married.

Yes I did feel guilty and just dropped everything. On reflection a very silly thing to do. As I mentioned I have a project of a house although I'm just sitting in squalor at the moment rather than getting on with it. I have just got a desk from gumtree so feeling a bit better and ordered a skip for Monday. The re-ignition of any hobbies will have to wait until after Covid. Not that I can think of anything at the moment.

[Shadowy_me]

Mr Tidy said:

I was 52 when I parted from Mrs Tidy in 2011, but thankfully it was a very amicable parting.

House was a definite down-size but my cars have been up-sized, and I can post here at this time with no tuts or rolled-eyes!

Look for the positives and enjoy them would be my advice.

You never know what may be just around the corner!

Yes, money is going to be difficult. Wife took 80% of everything and all my pension and 50% of my salary for life. It's complicated but I agreed in the end. So, downgrade on, well, everything right now.

[Shadowy_me]

The finance settlement is happening first. A “post nuptial” and then following on to divorce.

I haven’t received any legal papers yet but will do so in the next few days.,

[Shadowy_me]

There is indeed more to this story and time to come clean:

During my twenty year marriage, my wife stayed at home and was effectively isolated from her friends by me while I went away, travelled and continued. Worse than that I went to massage parlours all over the world and had affairs. My wife is truly beautiful and innocent be I broke her emotionally when all this came out a few months go.

[Shadowy_me]

Monkeylegend said:

Makes your opening post seem a bit more self indulgent.

Everything in the opening post is true. I did terrible things, but wanted support as the situation was true and I’m lonely and in despair .

[Shadowy_me]

hyphen said:

Ok, here we go again.

How was your wife isolated from her friends by you?


And how will you pay massage parlour bills in the future if broke

I isolated her by being overly jealous and stopping her going to university as I wanted to keep her for myself.

I’m in therapy and giving the massage parlours up.

[Shadowy_me]

GT03ROB said:

What do you want sympathy? Be told you area piece of st?

Anyway we need more details...what countries did you go?...how many affairs did you have? Pics of the soon to be ex-wife.

I want a mixture of sympathy and being told I’m a piece of st. There is a large part of me that is self destructive.

Countries ... All over the world I used sex workers and put ads to date woman. So certainly in the hundreds. One main affair was in London for many years.

[Shadowy_me]

Dear all, at a risk of polluting this male brotherhood with my female energy (this once only) I would like to clarify this very painful for us all situation. My husband has put us through hell for 20 years with his narcissistic emotional abuse, jealousy, notorious infidelities, lies and selfishness.
Despite all this I have given him multiple chances to step up to be a better man and each time he broke my heart again. My decision to leave this unhealthy marriage is to protect myself and our two daughters from further heartbreak and manipulation. The 80% of assets that he is giving me has its roots in what he did to me that I chose not to disclose here.
I still love him and choose to support him through his difficult and long road to recovery. He is an addict and a very unwell man emotionally and is going through an intensive therapy.
The messages he posted about his loneliness and despair were absolutely true and real despite the fact that he has caused it himself. Having all of your support would’ve been probably very helpful has he been honest with you from the beginning.
Nevertheless I hope you will find in your hearts not to abandon him as he needs this brotherhood support now more than ever.
It’s very easy to judge people but I hope you all can see through the crap he did and give him some constructive support on his road to wellness (suggestions of seeing prostitutes and dating sites isn’t constructive as he did this throughout of our marriage).
On a different note treating women like objects and comparing them to cars isn’t the most respectful way to talk and one day that objectified woman might be your cherished daughter. Aspire to be better, treat women with respect as there isn’t a more sexy and attractive man than one with integrity, carrying attitude, truthful, and loving.

And please don’t ask for my photo.

[Shadowy_me]

GT03ROB said:

Shadowy_me said:

Dear all, at a risk of polluting this male brotherhood with my female energy (this once only) I would like to clarify this very painful for us all situation. My husband has put us through hell for 20 years with his narcissistic emotional abuse, jealousy, notorious infidelities, lies and selfishness.
Despite all this I have given him multiple chances to step up to be a better man and each time he broke my heart again. My decision to leave this unhealthy marriage is to protect myself and our two daughters from further heartbreak and manipulation. The 80% of assets that he is giving me has its roots in what he did to me that I chose not to disclose here.
I still love him and choose to support him through his difficult and long road to recovery. He is an addict and a very unwell man emotionally and is going through an intensive therapy.
The messages he posted about his loneliness and despair were absolutely true and real despite the fact that he has caused it himself. Having all of your support would’ve been probably very helpful has he been honest with you from the beginning.
Nevertheless I hope you will find in your hearts not to abandon him as he needs this brotherhood support now more than ever.
It’s very easy to judge people but I hope you all can see through the crap he did and give him some constructive support on his road to wellness (suggestions of seeing prostitutes and dating sites isn’t constructive as he did this throughout of our marriage).
On a different note treating women like objects and comparing them to cars isn’t the most respectful way to talk and one day that objectified woman might be your cherished daughter. Aspire to be better, treat women with respect as there isn’t a more sexy and attractive man than one with integrity, carrying attitude, truthful, and loving.

And please don’t ask for my photo.

If that is true...you can do far more for him than he will ever get posting on here. There are too many fantasists on here. When he is challenged put forward something with credibility & sufficient information for it to be clear its true. He would get some abuse, but also support.

Hmmm, it’s an interesting comment. I don’t do chat rooms so maybe I’m not aware of the “Fantasists”. And I didn’t want to do this chat room either but I wanted to set the record straight. You are right, I may be able to help my husband but it would be at an expense of my wellbeing and my daughters so I need to remove myself from this situation and let him learn to make better choices. He has gone to priory now for more treatment and they are more equipped to help him than I ever will be.
With regards to the proof, I have it all for my lawyers to put into the divorce proceedings to be able to speed it up. And as much as you might require some sort of proof this is my painful life and a huge embarrassment and I will not be posting it publicly and I hope my husband will also feel the same way (when he is able to log back onto the internet).
I will be available on this link for today and I’m happy to clear things up for his sake but I will not come back here from tomorrow as I respect this being your sacred male space.
I may never understand why men can make these horrible and hurtful choices just to massage their ego and break a beautiful and pure family in the process. If one of you can explain il love to understand

[Shadowy_me]

V1nce Fox said:

Shadowy_me said:

Hmmm, it’s an interesting comment. I don’t do chat rooms so maybe I’m not aware of the “Fantasists”. And I didn’t want to do this chat room either but I wanted to set the record straight. You are right, I may be able to help my husband but it would be at an expense of my wellbeing and my daughters so I need to remove myself from this situation and let him learn to make better choices. He has gone to priory now for more treatment and they are more equipped to help him than I ever will be.
With regards to the proof, I have it all for my lawyers to put into the divorce proceedings to be able to speed it up. And as much as you might require some sort of proof this is my painful life and a huge embarrassment and I will not be posting it publicly and I hope my husband will also feel the same way (when he is able to log back onto the internet).
I will be available on this link for today and I’m happy to clear things up for his sake but I will not come back here from tomorrow as I respect this being your sacred male space.
I may never understand why men can make these horrible and hurtful choices just to massage their ego and break a beautiful and pure family in the process. If one of you can explain il love to understand

It's not sacred or specifically male. Anyone can post here.

Oh cool. I didn’t know that. Thank you for telling me. I felt guilty for crashing the party 😉

[Shadowy_me]

[quote=littlebasher]

Very brave of you to post about this, we don't often (well, ever) hear the other side of the story

Got to be honest though, my sympathy for what you've suffered over the years would make it hard to offer him much in the way of support.

I suspect many on here will feel the same way.

Good luck for the future

Thank you for noticing my resolve, I’m trying. And I’m happy I can contribute to balancing the understanding of the different sides of the story.
At the same time he is in treatment and though he was a stty husband I don’t hate him, in fact I still love him and want him to be ok. He can’t do this without help and support of others and it can’t be me. He has a disease and I’m sure there will be some of you here that would have struggled in their life with an addiction so will maybe understand. I will leave it up to you what you want to do.

[Shadowy_me]

randlemarcus said:

80% of the house, 100% of the pension I can sort of empathise with. 50% of his post tax salary for life though. Either he is trolling for extra sympathy, or that's a fairly skewed settlement. I understand his feelings of guilt, but unless he has had good legal advice, I suspect that will be fairly easy to over turn in a few years, once his head is back on straight. As an aside, I have no sympathy with his actions - all my sympathy lies with you and his children.

50% of his salary is not for life but till I remarry whenever I get over the trauma. And you are right it’s skewed but there is a reason for that which I don’t want to disclose on this forum.
I really hope that eat the end of this shocking trauma we are all going to be ok. Now my girls and I feel like our lives are a part of some spy/intrigue novel and nothing seems real.

[Shadowy_me]

GT03ROB said:

You would be surprised!

Regarding proof nobody would look for that in the strict sense so don't worry about that. Its just there are a lot of strange stories that go on. Often when people look for help they give half the story & its rapidly obvious. This makes it impossible for anybody to offer any help,

As for why some guys feel the need to do what your husband did.... well its beyond most other guys too. Sometimes it can be a form of insecurity. Some people are able to separate this type of behaviour from the rest of there life. They can swear they love their wife & maybe they do, but see the behaviour as unrelated.

No consolation. I hope you can all find peace with yourselves.

Wow you are so right. And what I told you is only half the story but I’ll keep the rest to myself.
Childhood abuse, insecurity, lack of self love and compartmentalisation lead to all this as far as I understand. To cope he went into the addiction of all sorts. And apparently coped very well as he managed to hide it all (apart from possessiveness and control/coercion) until his mum died a couple of years ago and then his dad 3 months ago.
I understand how childhood abuse could lead to all this but he had many opportunities to get better and look for help, instead he chose this. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels.

We are all in some serious therapy now but he is slipping into alcohol and self deprivation and so isn’t engaging in his too well. It breaks my girls heart to see him like this and it’s just adding to their trauma. I really hope he will accept the help he is being offered and gets better. My children still need their dad if he can ever rise to the occasion.

[Shadowy_me]

Dan_1981 said:

Checking in complete with popcorn.

Haha I can see how this could be entertaining but it’s our traumatic life. Don’t enjoy it too much