Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?

[Megaflow]

I don't mean a go out and buy a bright red sports car and shag the secretary type crisis, with the exception of the shagging bit, I have been have a mid life crisis since I was about 22.

I mean a proper realising that this is your life type crisis, you not sure quite how you got here or where to go next type crisis.

Because I think I am having one... Currently torn between thinking I am living just for the weekends, and thinking if I jacked it all in WTF would I do with the time and loneliness.

[Megaflow]

PushedDover said:

Yes I guess. But from a personal perspective.
Slept walked into a relationship that grew legs, then a house purchase, marriage and a child- but realised I wasn’t happy.
Not depressed per se, but simply was unhappy with my relationship and hence ‘life’.
Coincidentally I was that 40yr old, and there was an element of ‘st. I can be this ‘non happy’, tow the line, lobotomised guy for another 40 yrs’

So I made changes.
Life is about happiness has been my mantra ever since. It’s a priority. A necessity.

I finally got it through my head a few years ago, that we are here for a good time, not a long time. But that begs the question how does work fit into that?

coldel said:

I dont miss partying or the like, or living with mates, I suspect if you went and did it again it wouldnt quite be the same and be a bit of a downer.

I think the thing that hit me (Im now 47) is my lack of focus on what I wanted to do as a career. I fell out of uni into the first company that would give me a job and 20 odd years later still doing roughly the same thing. I've been lucky, it let me travel the world, live in different countries, meet amazing people but fundamentally its not a job I can hand on heart say I enjoy, I speak to people who are passionate about their jobs and I am so envious. Thats what I wish I had.

I do miss the partying, mostly because I didn’t have a lot of friends, if any, to do with with. For a reason that has since become clear.

Regarding the job, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be an engineer. I am an engineer, working for a multinational company. Problem is that job has gone a bit quiet, and as a result, there is not a lot to be passionate about at the minute.

coldel said:

My social life involves playing football three times a week and after playing friday me and the guys go down the pub for pizza and beers, but I actually find thats enough for me! Going out clubbing will early hours just has no interest for me anymore. I still go out, I just do it differently.

I have never been into clubbing, but the weekly beer and pizza with mates sounds lovely.

PushedDover said:

Interesting and some of the posters names are familiar.
Reach out guys.

We had a guy on here some time ago - can’t remember his PH name, but I reached out to him (Nigel in RL).
Many here doubted him. But letting him chat helped.

I’m not saying I necessarily did things 100% right in my own journey but I know I left with just three holdalls, 9 yrs ago.
I recall ironing work shirts on the floor of a rented bedsit and trying to balance ‘The Mental’, then several years of POF’ing, and low and behold - got married this September

If you know your shot isn’t right, you must be prepared to accept change is not easy, but required - whether drastic or not.

As said - my mantra now is ‘happiness is a necessity’

Interesting that you recognise names, it would be nice to see which ones you recognise, but I won’t ask you to do that.

The change part, that is a problem for me…

Fk it… here it comes… I have Aspergers. Change is terrifying for me.

Mirinjawbro said:

my best times from memory are those that if i do now would not be the same.

i really do not think this whole year WFH has done me any favours though. sat alone monday to friday doing 10 mins of work a day killed me.

i spoke to the doctors about it all. constantly wound up, snappy. after work hours restless wanting to do something.

find new hobbies and get out was the reply.

Yes, this whole working from home is not doing me any good either. I now realise how much of my need for social connection came from it, and that has gone.

youngsyr said:

Been going through this for a fair few years now and I my early 40s.

Essentially I stretched myself a lot when I was younger and put up with situations at school, uni and work that I didn't particularly enjoy because they seemed like the right thing to do and would pave the way for a comfortable future.

Always had the idea that I would take my foot off the gas around 40 and then enjoy life.

My plan worked reasonably well, I have quite a bit of free time now and have had for years, but it's not what I thought it would be. No-one else I know has the same free time, or desire for it. Closest friends all have successful careers and prioritise that over socialising. I get out maybe once a month with them.

Being fully WFH when I do work for the past 3.5 years also adds to the isolation.

A couple of the sports evenings I had pre covid also fell by the way side, so life feels pretty bleak at times now.

On the positive side, I recognise that I can't just sit here and expect things to change for the better, so am taking steps to try to improve things.

Damn. That could have been written me.

youngsyr said:

What's wrong with living for the weekend, so long as you enjoy the weekend?

It’s a fair question. My first answer would be I am wasting 71% of my life. The second would be it’s fine of every weekend is a mad rush of enjoyment, but life isn’t like that, there are always boring jobs to be done.

TameRacingDriver said:

I don't know if what I'm going through now is a mid life crisis but at 43 I'm definitely feeling like my mood and emotions are a rollercoaster.

I spent my 20s and 30s pissing the nights away like many of us. Now I still go out but not as often, but mainly because I don't feel like my body can take the abuse as much these days.

In fact I am really suffering with low energy, lack of motivation, daily headaches, depression, anxiety, the works.

I'm trying to exercise, eat healthier and cutting down the booze but if anything I seem to be getting worse by the week.

I think the lockdowns didn't help either, I went from a sociable job to one where I'm locked up in a room staring at spreadsheets and yearning for a life that seemed a lot rosier before.

I'm not sure what to do about it but my first step is I'm booked in with the GP next week. I feel like a complete shell of a human these days quite honestly.

The lockdown paragraph rings very true for me.

Mirinjawbro said:

seems theres almost 2 camps

one. happily married kids and continues 9 to 5 forever. not angry, not bored, just plods along

then us.

always seeking more, better, bigger, faster

That! So much that. I work for a company that has a lot of guys & girls on production tracks doing the same thing day in and day out. I have a. Lot of respect for them, because I absolutely couldn’t note do it, and most seem happy with it.

I am firmly in the later camp.

[Megaflow]

samdy said:

Mirinjawbro said:

then us.

always seeking more, better, bigger, faster

I had a bit of an existential crisis earlier this year where I started questionning all the life choices I'd ever made. Career, marriage, kids, family relationships. Pretty much everything. My head's still not that clear about it all to be honest, it's a work in progress.

But what I did realise is I think most of it is down to what you describe here. I'd gone through life always improving, moving onto the next challenge etc. I liken it to an RPG game where you level up really easily at the start but then suddenly everything becomes a grind to move up further levels and the game just becomes boring.

The choice is to abandon the game and start a new one, or push through the grind until you've mastered the current one.

I think that is were I am at the minute.

NDNDNDND said:

Read this article the other day, which I thought was helpful.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/...

That looks interesting, I'll have a proper read later.

PushedDover said:

OP if it makes you fee any better many / most of us will have done the same (spunked money via finance at an early age that in reality did not ‘bring much’ to your overall well-being)

Moving on - and thinking about it in my morning treadmill shuffle, may I suggest some Reading ? Nothing heavy - some books to simply 'nudge' you to change. Innocuous as it is - I read Will Smiths book the other month. Sage lessons in life there.

And perhaps unpopular / cringey - but I have found listening to Chris Evans (now on Virgin) as a good tonic on a morning. The guy has had it all, lost it all and been pretty reflective on it (read his easy to read books ?) but on the whole - gets the importance of mental health.
Priorities. Focusing on the positives. The juice that makes us tick.

If reading is not an option - some podcasts can have the same net effect. Rich Roll has some good ones, the daily Stoic. Even selective stuff from JRE can help broaden the mind.

Priorities. It’s all about priorities.



(edited because of a rushed post via on the iPhone earlier made little sense !)

Edited by PushedDover on Thursday 24th November 10:35

I have never been a particularly big book reader, fiction really does nothing for me. Not sure why, I do read non fiction, auto biographies, Adrian Newey's How to Build a Car for example. Funnily enough, I have got Will Smith's book on the bookcase to be read, behind a lot of others that I have bought and not got round to.

ben5575 said:

I’m a couple of years older than you, graduated in 98.

Like you my 20s were a lost decade. Chronic anxiety and depression for me although a focus on my work/career helped me through. Life changing though.

My now wife whom I got together with at 17 stuck with me through this time. I suppose loyalty, gratitude for this and maybe even security given my fragility at the time(?) meant that as I emerged from it in my late 20s/early 30s stage of life, marriage and kids were inevitable.

But 30 years on and I’m a very different person to the 17 yo kid who copped with the girl with the nice ass. She isn’t. She (literally) does the same admin job as she did then, with zero drive to do anything other be comfortable at home.

So my MLC as per page 1, is the recognition that spending what time I have left with somebody who’s ambition for the next 30 years is to ‘keep home’ is not for me.

Interesting and rather cathartic thread!

It has certainly attracted more interest than I thought it would.

[Megaflow]

OMITN said:

Counselling is not to be sniffed at. But it’s not easy, and it can take time to find the right person. And the process itself takes time - you won’t sort this st out in one session..!

I’ve used a leadership coach (different context, I admit) and found things very uncomfortable at times. But ultimately it has proven useful.

I’m with many of you - and the article linked above very nearly described me: mid 40s, solid family life, excellent career. And, in spite of my outward demeanour, inside I’m wondering where it’s all gone wrong. Objectively life is great, and yet there’s a gaping hole….

Same. It truly is a first world problem. Objectively I have absolutely nothing to complain about. But somehow…

Edited by Megaflow on Monday 28th November 11:41

[Megaflow]

gangzoom said:

As part of some personal development work (SLA level 7) I've just been introduced to the theory of career planning/personal goal mapping. I've not done any in depth look into Supers theory yet (dissertation deadline is ages away ), but on the face of it seem to make sense.....I wonder if many of us get 'stuck' at the 'maintenance' phase after spending the previous 20 years working to a specific goal?

Like a kid dreaming about Xmas, but actually once the present is unwrapped, the excitement is gone and its a case of, nann, not bothered what's next??

Am actually in the process of applying for a more senior role at work. To me the role is quite a step up in responsibility so I wanted to seek some counsel from those whom have done it and progressed to understand the detail etc. But to my surprise the first question all my mentors whom I look up to ( all have very senior national level responsibilities) have asked me is 'what's your plan in 5-10 years'. Their outlook on life clearly isn't just how do your current job well (that's an assumption), but more what/where is next challenge.....

Those who I look up to at work aren't in any form ot 'decline' regardless of their age - quite the opposite. It'll be interesting to see how much critic there is on Supers theory of development. I don't see my self just been in a 'maintaining' phase for the next 20 years just because am in a certain age bracket. I also have zero thoughts on wishing to be 20/30 again, quite the opposite, the next 5-10 years certainly career wise has the potential to be far more exciting/testing than the journey/work needed to get to the position am in now.

[Img]http://career.iresearchnet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Supers-Career-Development-Theory.jpg[/thumb]

Edited by gangzoom on Sunday 27th November 08:24

That is a very interesting l chart. I am 47, I have zero intention of maintaining for 20 years!

[Megaflow]

deebs said:

The hole you describe is pretty common and often filled with destructive behaviours like drinking too much/often, drugs, gambling, affairs etc. I think the answer is meaning - having activities that are connected to something that means something to you and working towards it. Unlikely (but not necessarily impossible) to find this at your actual work, as few people do, but most people think that is where they should look for it.

I used to get the meaning from work. But, what I spent 2015-2020 working on was proper once in a career opportunity, one that not everybody in this industry gets to do and I am not going to get a challenge like that again in the current role, that combined with we are at the bottom of a new product introduction cycle which means there isn’t a huge amount going on and this working from home/flexible working has removed all the social side of work.

I am on the look out for a new job, within the same company, to find a new challenge.

[Megaflow]

PushedDover said:

OP / Megaflow, a week has passed since the original posting - what are your thoughts, and more importantly changes you have made on the back of the comments, suggestions and support?

Thank you for asking the question.

After a lot of thought about it, trying to find the route cause, I have come to the conclusion the issue is work.

Why have I come to this conclusion? Last weekend was fairly quiet, closest friends were away for the weekend, so it was just me and my wife. I didn’t really do anything on Saturday apart from lunch with mum and Sunday I went to Collecting Cars by myself and it was good. Did a few other bits around the house without issue.

Got to Monday and the blues/hole was back.

I have concluded I need to feel like I am contributing and producing something of value, and because of the situation at work at the minute, that isn’t happening.

I have been looking for a new job since late summer, at the same company because I don’t have an issue with the company, I just to need to accept that is going to take sometime and suck it up until it happens.

Some of the reason with being bored during the weekday evenings at the minute is work is not that busy, so quiet evenings seem like a waste, but as soon as I get a new job and work picks up, I’ll more than likely be glad of the time to relax.

Humans really are crap with the grass is always greener aren’t we?

[Megaflow]

m3cs said:

Thank you OP for starting this thread and so many others for having contributed- I seem to be in good company.

If you look at my circumstances, I am really lucky. A loving family, nice house, good job.

In the past few years, we had a kid, I got made redundant from a job I hated (with a nice big payoff), then lucked into a really good senior job which I used to look up to as a goal for my career. Great, right? Now I’ve ‘reached the promised land’…I am miserable all the time!

It’s gotten so bad that I am currently having regular anxious sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts (which I’m confident I’d never act on). No amount of medication, exercise or talking about it seems to be helping. Partly I think it’s pressure of the new job but underlying it all is a complete lack of enjoyment or motivation- I never look forward to the working day.

I think the causes are:
1. I love my kid, but they eat up all the time we used to have for our relationship as a couple and for hobbies which gave us happiness. So this has suddenly highlighted just how little joy I get out of work and how much of you life is wasted doing that work.
2. I’m naturally very pessimistic and negative- it’s a characteristic of my family. This means I’m actually a very good manager - I can spot potential problems before they occur and mitigate their risk. But increasingly I *only* think negatively and catastrophise all the time.

Feeling encouraged by those who are saying there is a way forward. Thank you!

I know exactly what you mean.

One of the conundrums I have been having, part from the job which has been discussed, is that I don’t make friends very well, it’s an Aspergers thing sadly, as a result there are many thing most people would consider normal things, that I haven’t done. One of those being, I never used to do the weekend night on the town, and if I am honest with myself it is something I regret.

I have been hankering for a big night out, and we had our works Christmas do on Friday. Well let’s just say the pressure I have been putting on myself for a big night out means it ended up in a mess… or a least I think it… I don’t remember much after about 7pm, we started at 1pm with a meal, I got home at some point gone 2, I only know this because of the cab app emailed me a confirmation of the booking, I slept on the side so as not to wake my wife. My wife went to see a friend on Saturday, apparently we had a conversation we me still on the sofa before she left… don’t remember that. I eventually woke up at 3pm, that combined with today’s weather and I now fee like I have lost an entire weekend for the sake of one night out that I can’t really remember.

Moral of the story, I suspect, the grass is not always greener.

[Megaflow]

okgo said:

I wonder how much of it it just flat out because of kids, and young ones at that. I think most blokes I know would say they were nonplused about having kids and then the subsequent lifestyle change you take from there can be quite dramatic!

I can help there, I don’t have kids.

[Megaflow]

Revisiting this with some positive news. The lack of a challenge at work has been addressed, I have been offered an accepted a new position.

A very interesting position that will certainly be interesting. I have gone past the excited stage and am currently in the ‘oh sh*t’ stage…

[Megaflow]

Heaveho said:

Megaflow said:

Revisiting this with some positive news. The lack of a challenge at work has been addressed, I have been offered an accepted a new position.

A very interesting position that will certainly be interesting. I have gone past the excited stage and am currently in the ‘oh sh*t’ stage…

That sounds like progress, and hopefully the solution?

I've had an explanation for feeling / being sick frequently. After multiple tests, all inconclusive, I had an endoscopy and was diagnosed with two ulcers plus something I can't pronounce, plus something I can't remember the name of!

So far, no meds prescribed, just taking Omeprazole which appears to make zero difference, so all the symptoms still, but knowing there's actually something physically wrong is better than thinking it's a mental issue. Anyone suffering from nausea etc and just assuming it to be anxiety might want to consider pursuing the possibility that it's a physical issue rather than just living with it.

Hopefully. It is all a bit overwhelming at the minute coming the the end of the second week, I have gone from a job where I got promoted through the ranks and did for 15 years to become what every one else referred to me as subject matter expert, to a complete newbie asking the questions not answering them!

Good advice re the health thing, all to easy to pass things off as nothing. Hopefully they clear up soon.

[Megaflow]

shirt said:

agree. i'm 42 with no kids and doubt they'll ever happen [which i'm fine with]. i received a message this morning on our whatsapp group chat that one of my uni mates just had his second child. there's only 2 of us on that chat without kids and our lifestyles vis those who do are markedly different.

i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.

the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.

congrats on the new role btw!

Edited by shirt on Friday 24th March 07:50

Thank you. Penultimate line is an interesting one, and makes me think this, because it is still here to an extent after all I am only 2 weeks into the new job, is more of an existential thing than a classic midlife crisis.

What really kicked it off was realising that after finishing the last big project, something most people in our industry don't always get to do and is once in a career type stuff and I got to do it twice, that I'd be doing more of the same for the next 20 years and I couldn't face that. Something had to change.

[Megaflow]

Interesting to see this has come back to life.

csd19 said:

I'd say I get the occasional tip into what feels like an MLC, the feelings of helplessness and pointlessness really for lack of a better description?

I turn 43 in just over 6 weeks, been separated and then divorced and on my own for the last 4 1/2 years. Another childless PHer here. On paper I'm not struggling at all, very well paid job, 4-bed house, 3 cars to enjoy and tinker with as my heart sees fit. But I have no goals or dreams anymore, nothing to currently look forward to apart from my next time at home and it really does feel like I'm just going through the motions of whatever this life is.

Not looking to buy an MX-5 this week (although I have driven an 124 Spyder, that was fun) but I understand what others are feeling. My way of dealing with it? It'll be my usual stoic way, bury it away with everything else and hope it doesn't resurface.

Apart from the separated and divorced bit, I could have typed that.

sharkfan said:

First thought I had when reading everything that has been posted so far is that nothing ever gets better without talking. Read any book, listen to any podcast about mental health struggles (wherever you are on that spectrum) and it will say that you have to articulate what is going on to be able to find a way through it. Opening up is difficult and if just one person finds something useful from all this then that's amazing - kudos to the OP too for starting this and to everyone else for speaking up.

I don't know whether I've had a MLC as such but I've been depressed (clinically) and suicidal which led to many questions about why I do everything and anything. The drugs helped as did the therapy, but it took me a long time to find out what might be going on. For me it was coming across this that was my 'aha!' moment: https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questio...

I turn 50 next year and I did everything I was told I should do growing up. I worked hard at school and Uni. I went into a 'good' job and earnt well. I found someone I thought I loved, bought a house and tried to settle down including trying for kids. In the background though things weren't working. I went through jobs pretty quickly and split up from my first partner (thankfully before any kids arrived) because we were clearly not compatible.

I did find someone amazing and we now have two kids, but the restlessness was still there. Reading about CEN (see the link) made me realise that I was doing everything for everyone else and leaving nothing for me - running on empty. If you do nothing just for you then over time it can build up and make you feel as though you need to detonate everything just to feel something.

I'm great company because I am always interested in other people. What I didn't ever do is talk about myself or what I was feeling. My parents are lovely people and I know they love me, but my Dad is in a world of his own. My mum is the same - she recently said to me that she hadn't realised I was "that into cars". Being into cars has been a constant in my life since I was pushing Matchbox cars across the floor as a child (being on here also gives the game away somewhat).

Some of the posters on this thread have spoken about needing to be selfish to get better. It is definitely that but maybe in a way that is kinder to yourself. We all need to find a way to recharge and to be ourselves (not just a worker, a partner or a parent). Without that you can forget who you are and not be there for the people who need us most.

For me that has meant doing stuff just for me (and encouraging my wife to do the same). As well as doing the usual parent and husband activities, I now go out to the pub and to concerts with friends or with my brother. I recently went on a boys trip to Le Mans for the first time. I still feel guilty sometimes for doing these things, but less than I did. I'm also more open about how I am feeling - small steps for now - which really helps.

This thread is about having a MLC, but there are so many crossovers with mental health that I am not sure you can talk about one without the other. If you are struggling then please know that you are not alone. But talk to someone - your partner, a friend or even your GP - as without that it's going to be really difficult for things to get better...

I'm going to read the link later. For me getting selfish and doing stuff I want to do is not the problem, if anything it is the opposite problem. I seem to spend too much time doing stuff by myself, and it would be nice to do stuff with others.

Maxf said:

Other than playing with my 3 year old son I really struggle to work out what actually makes me happy.

I’ve always been a collector of things - I enjoy researching stuff but after buying the ‘thing’ find myself back at square one so it’s feeling more and more vacuous. I enjoy working out - but the health benefits are the main thing, rather than some rush of happiness, so I wonder if I really enjoy it or just the ongoing effects and clinging onto ‘youth’. Work is ok - I’m senior enough that I’m left to my own devices largely.. but it’s ultimately just a job and certainly isn’t a ‘calling’. It’s all just ‘meh’.

I don’t really know what makes me happy anymore, aside from my children. I could buy a new car but worry about losing money on it, or regretting it, or not using it… and I used to really covet fast cars, but not I can afford one I seem far less bothered - or maybe just more responsible.

I have friends but not close friends - only 1 friend I open up to and I don’t see him much due to geography.

We’ve had a few deaths in the family - which has certainly led me to question my mortality.

Is this normal for your mid 40s? Is this the point people buy a Ducati and shag their PA (I’m not planning on riding either!)

Same here. It used to be fishing, but I now find myself wondering why I am alone.

[Megaflow]

youngsyr said:

I'm coming around to the idea that the meaning of life is to struggle.

We have evolved from beings that had to struggle every day for millions of years simply to survive. Human beings have been around for around 150,000 years and it's only in the past 70 or so that for us in the West having enough food to eat hasn't been a struggle. In many parts of the world it still is.

Without an externally defined struggle, many of us seem to suffer mental health issues. Call it a distraction from the futility of life if you like, but have a challenge seems to kill off depression and anxiety at least. So it's no wonder that as we become more comfortable in our middle aged years, the issues are more keenly felt.

If you accept that's the case, then the solution is to define your own challenge. Simply choose something that you want to do that is not readily achievable and try to do it.

Build a kit car, climb Everest, learn a foreign language, get a qualification, practice a sport and set a goal. Whatever, just something that you enjoy and can strive towards. Convincing yourself it's worthwhile is the difficult part though...

It's an interesting theory, and I have said something similar myself in the past. The human race has evolved, certainly in the west, beyond what the majority of out brain's can deal with.

Douglas Quaid said:

Jordan Peterson says what makes people happy is setting difficult but achievable goals and then working towards them. Same thing as you’re saying really and yes I think you’re right, humans have evolved in that way.

I've seen a video by him that resonates with that.

[Megaflow]

Scrump said:

Time to move on from the bickering.
TYIA

Well said.