I see no real purpose in living
Discussion
This has taken a lot for me to post as i never really knew whether i would be laughed at or criticised for how i feel but i don't really have anyone i feel comfortable talking to.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, maybe not as bad as some people, but all the same it's always lingered around in my day to day life, it's also worth mentioning that i suffer from a health condition that doesn't give me a day off, and something i am neglecting badly over the last 12 months, and even more so over the last couple of months or so.
12 months ago i lost my mum, it was unexpected and it quite literally turned my world upside down, this massive void in my life that i somehow had to accept, it also had a major impact of other members of my family where turning to drink was involved as a coping mechanism (them not me) and it caused a big divide amongst us, then within the last 6 weeks i lost a grandparent who i had a very close relationship with also die unexpectedly that reopened the wound again that happened 12 months ago.
Now you may wonder well what's he getting at here, well since the loss of my grandparent it come to me and a few others to clear the house out of belongings etc to put up for sale, this is something i have hated with an absolute passion as you are slowly pulling apart memories of things not only from your childhood past in there, but also getting rid of things that may not mean so much to you but it clearly did to them, and in the process of doing this its seemingly accelerated my depression even more where all i can see now is decades of personal and sentimental items getting taken apart to where there is no longer anything of the person you loved, and it got me thinking well is this it to life?
We spend years of accumulating things for in the end there not to be much trace of you in a matter of weeks, nothing but a memory, I also appreciate this could come across as selfish of me when some people don't get a chance at life or get it cut short but this whole last 12 months has made me think well "what's the point "
I don't want to particularly go in to too much detail but my health condition has took a battering simply through me neglecting myself with no desire to want to do my medication or go to appointments that i should be doing, and something that could put me in a position where my life could also he at risk but it doesn't seem to phase me?
Again don't think that this has all happened in the last 12 months (it hasn't) i have a history of depression etc, but maybe recent events has made me question life more and i just don't know how to deal with it?
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, maybe not as bad as some people, but all the same it's always lingered around in my day to day life, it's also worth mentioning that i suffer from a health condition that doesn't give me a day off, and something i am neglecting badly over the last 12 months, and even more so over the last couple of months or so.
12 months ago i lost my mum, it was unexpected and it quite literally turned my world upside down, this massive void in my life that i somehow had to accept, it also had a major impact of other members of my family where turning to drink was involved as a coping mechanism (them not me) and it caused a big divide amongst us, then within the last 6 weeks i lost a grandparent who i had a very close relationship with also die unexpectedly that reopened the wound again that happened 12 months ago.
Now you may wonder well what's he getting at here, well since the loss of my grandparent it come to me and a few others to clear the house out of belongings etc to put up for sale, this is something i have hated with an absolute passion as you are slowly pulling apart memories of things not only from your childhood past in there, but also getting rid of things that may not mean so much to you but it clearly did to them, and in the process of doing this its seemingly accelerated my depression even more where all i can see now is decades of personal and sentimental items getting taken apart to where there is no longer anything of the person you loved, and it got me thinking well is this it to life?
We spend years of accumulating things for in the end there not to be much trace of you in a matter of weeks, nothing but a memory, I also appreciate this could come across as selfish of me when some people don't get a chance at life or get it cut short but this whole last 12 months has made me think well "what's the point "
I don't want to particularly go in to too much detail but my health condition has took a battering simply through me neglecting myself with no desire to want to do my medication or go to appointments that i should be doing, and something that could put me in a position where my life could also he at risk but it doesn't seem to phase me?
Again don't think that this has all happened in the last 12 months (it hasn't) i have a history of depression etc, but maybe recent events has made me question life more and i just don't know how to deal with it?
Thanks guys for the quick replies
I'm a very complex individual, never see things black and white, even though that's probably how i should think sometimes, I think my reasoning for coming here is that talking to any family member i do have about this wouldn't really be fair when some of them too are going through similar with the bereavement at least, and thought also it maybe worth getting opinions from others that have either experienced similar or who also have a story.
I've constantly put myself down in life, can never see the bright side, and there is so much more i could post, but the anxiety stops me from doing this for fear of people potentially thinking "God he's banging on a bit" but even whilst i do have a history, this more recent event in the last 7 weeks has made me question life in a way i have never done before, I'll also put it out there for anyone concerned that i am not suicidal, just seemingly have no desire to want to live, and i hate myself for saying that considering others do have that desire but have life cut short for different reasons?
I've also had an email a few moments ago from pistonheads about this post and the number for samartians, my negative attitude sees ringing them as pointless as all i see in my own mind is someone sat behind a desk listening to someone else bang on about his life like the many thousands they'll have listened to in the past.
I have my own young family, so have many reasons to want to desire life, but find it very difficult.
I'm a very complex individual, never see things black and white, even though that's probably how i should think sometimes, I think my reasoning for coming here is that talking to any family member i do have about this wouldn't really be fair when some of them too are going through similar with the bereavement at least, and thought also it maybe worth getting opinions from others that have either experienced similar or who also have a story.
I've constantly put myself down in life, can never see the bright side, and there is so much more i could post, but the anxiety stops me from doing this for fear of people potentially thinking "God he's banging on a bit" but even whilst i do have a history, this more recent event in the last 7 weeks has made me question life in a way i have never done before, I'll also put it out there for anyone concerned that i am not suicidal, just seemingly have no desire to want to live, and i hate myself for saying that considering others do have that desire but have life cut short for different reasons?
I've also had an email a few moments ago from pistonheads about this post and the number for samartians, my negative attitude sees ringing them as pointless as all i see in my own mind is someone sat behind a desk listening to someone else bang on about his life like the many thousands they'll have listened to in the past.
I have my own young family, so have many reasons to want to desire life, but find it very difficult.
LosingGrip said:
OP as you said you have your own young family, can I presume that you have a partner? Have you spoken to them about how you feel?
The Samaritans are amazing. They are volunteers and do it to help people.
There is also https://giveusashout.org/ which is like the Samaritans but via text if you prefer that.
And of course speak to your GP and NHS 111.
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-serv...
Yes i do have a partner, she's aware of how i am but then struggles to know what to say sometimes, as right as i know she is when she offers advice to me she's also someone that can be a little too blunt with me which on occasion doesn't help.The Samaritans are amazing. They are volunteers and do it to help people.
There is also https://giveusashout.org/ which is like the Samaritans but via text if you prefer that.
And of course speak to your GP and NHS 111.
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-serv...
I didn't know about the text services offered, maybe thats something for me to look at, I usually feel better writing things down than on the phone.
NorthDave said:
I lost my Mum 12 months ago so can get where you are coming from to some extent.
For me though it made me realise that possessions and bank balances don't mean anything at the end. We were fortunate to have a lot of very good memories with her and it's nice to think you can create those with other loved ones going forward.
I come from a working class background so expensive possessions or big bank balances have never really been a thing, but you are absolutely right, clearing this house recently and getting rid of things that are no good to anyone so have been thrown or given to charity have been a bit of an eye opener for me.For me though it made me realise that possessions and bank balances don't mean anything at the end. We were fortunate to have a lot of very good memories with her and it's nice to think you can create those with other loved ones going forward.
Having not expected as many replies as i have done, i feel i need to add more to give more of a background as to other reasons what's led me to this point i am at now.
I'm 38 now, but when i was much younger i could be considered a sensitive soul, i was bullied for much of my school years in which i was simply bullied for being the smart kid, this definitely reflects in my personality today, head always down, quiet when talking, avoids any sort of conflict, and as time went on my life turned out in a way that i did not expect, i was told from a very young age that i was a talented individual who could be absolutely anything i wanted, i put all my eggs into one basket in terms of the career i wanted but health conditions at the time put a complete stop to that and even if they didn't then, my health now certainly would.
I've carried this sense of failure with me for years, told myself that i am nothing, work in an average job, rent my house, come from a working class background, literally ashamed of who i am, I can compare myself to absolutely anybody and put myself down, and often think everyone is better than me.
I wasn't going to mention about my health condition but i am a type 1 diabetic, this condition is relentless and something that does not give a day off, constant monitoring of blood sugars, injections multiple times a day every day, my eyesight getting worse through the condition, it gradually chips away at you where unless you are strong willed it will eat away at you, and it has done with me, it's been days since i last took any insulin and i feel absolutely shocking for it, avoiding doctors appointments because i know i will only be scrutinised over my very poor control, but again i have no desire to want to look after myself with it, I also have a kidney disease that will eventually lead me onto dialysis, this same condition was passed down to me from my mum, this was also what killed her.
My mum and my grandparent in question were the two people who i could talk to, I'm very much an introvert but always felt at ease when talking to them, having had them taken away has placed me in a position where I now feel lost, and even more worthless than before, the last time i experienced death within the family was when i was very young and didn't understand in the same way i do as an adult now and i guess with that has brought many questions with it like already mentioned "what is the point in life" why do we bother doing anything and if we are lucky enough to live a long life for it to be all thrown away with hardly any trace of you in a few weeks, this particular feeling i have never felt before, EVER.
I would like to be able to say i could see even a small shimmer of light going forward in the future, but currently i just don't.
I'm 38 now, but when i was much younger i could be considered a sensitive soul, i was bullied for much of my school years in which i was simply bullied for being the smart kid, this definitely reflects in my personality today, head always down, quiet when talking, avoids any sort of conflict, and as time went on my life turned out in a way that i did not expect, i was told from a very young age that i was a talented individual who could be absolutely anything i wanted, i put all my eggs into one basket in terms of the career i wanted but health conditions at the time put a complete stop to that and even if they didn't then, my health now certainly would.
I've carried this sense of failure with me for years, told myself that i am nothing, work in an average job, rent my house, come from a working class background, literally ashamed of who i am, I can compare myself to absolutely anybody and put myself down, and often think everyone is better than me.
I wasn't going to mention about my health condition but i am a type 1 diabetic, this condition is relentless and something that does not give a day off, constant monitoring of blood sugars, injections multiple times a day every day, my eyesight getting worse through the condition, it gradually chips away at you where unless you are strong willed it will eat away at you, and it has done with me, it's been days since i last took any insulin and i feel absolutely shocking for it, avoiding doctors appointments because i know i will only be scrutinised over my very poor control, but again i have no desire to want to look after myself with it, I also have a kidney disease that will eventually lead me onto dialysis, this same condition was passed down to me from my mum, this was also what killed her.
My mum and my grandparent in question were the two people who i could talk to, I'm very much an introvert but always felt at ease when talking to them, having had them taken away has placed me in a position where I now feel lost, and even more worthless than before, the last time i experienced death within the family was when i was very young and didn't understand in the same way i do as an adult now and i guess with that has brought many questions with it like already mentioned "what is the point in life" why do we bother doing anything and if we are lucky enough to live a long life for it to be all thrown away with hardly any trace of you in a few weeks, this particular feeling i have never felt before, EVER.
I would like to be able to say i could see even a small shimmer of light going forward in the future, but currently i just don't.
ks for a couple of hours if it would help. Legacywr said:
A call(s) to The Samaritans could/can be extremely helpful, please don’t dismiss the idea…
Oh i haven't dismissed it, but probably didn't help myself when i looked at reviews for Samaritans and they were less than favourable, with a lot saying that they felt the person on the other end of the phone couldn't care less, not what you want to read when you feel the way you do.Guys i am overwhelmed by the support people on here have given me and advice, whether that's sharing your own stories, support numbers etc, I know someone asked about whether my partner has ever lost a parent, to be fair to her and i sometimes think this is where she possibly finds it a little hard to talk to me is that her mother literally dropped dead when she was around 8 years old from a brain aneurysm, and her dad committed suicide around 5 years ago, I could never really understand her pain on anniversaries as i had never been through it myself, I naively use to think her mum died heading up for 25 years ago now and should she experience pain the way she does on certain days, but then the same happened to me and it hit me badly when my own mother passed.
I very much think mental health is often overlooked by a lot of people because it can't be seen necessarily, and men are seemingly told to kind of "get on with it" or seen as weak for saying anything, I am my own worst enemy, my mind telling me through the anxiety that something bad could happen today so it has me analysing everything, that happens from the moment i wake up, the depression is always lingering around sometimes it's at the back of my mind then other times right at the front.
I use to have a huge passion for cars, even though you wouldn't necessarily think so with my current car, but life and family and having to compromise on things where money wasn't as free to spend on motoring like it use to be, made that passion die slowly, I also use to be one for loving detailing the car on a weekend and couldn't see why anyone would love taking it to the £5 wash and scratch, now i am that very person who does the same, i suspect that's also probably down to mental health why i have lost passion for it all.
I am slowly trying to come around to the thought of ringing someone, I guess it's 1 thing talking about it on a forum and another again where things go down on record.
I very much think mental health is often overlooked by a lot of people because it can't be seen necessarily, and men are seemingly told to kind of "get on with it" or seen as weak for saying anything, I am my own worst enemy, my mind telling me through the anxiety that something bad could happen today so it has me analysing everything, that happens from the moment i wake up, the depression is always lingering around sometimes it's at the back of my mind then other times right at the front.
I use to have a huge passion for cars, even though you wouldn't necessarily think so with my current car, but life and family and having to compromise on things where money wasn't as free to spend on motoring like it use to be, made that passion die slowly, I also use to be one for loving detailing the car on a weekend and couldn't see why anyone would love taking it to the £5 wash and scratch, now i am that very person who does the same, i suspect that's also probably down to mental health why i have lost passion for it all.
I am slowly trying to come around to the thought of ringing someone, I guess it's 1 thing talking about it on a forum and another again where things go down on record.
Good evening everyone.
I wanted to give everyone a small update, I have lost count the amount of times i have read and re-read everyone's replies to me today, the day started off similar to how it normally does, low mood, in my own little world, dropped my daughter off at school and then sat there in the car reflecting on all the advice, stories, offers of meeting up with me to simply talk, and a small part of my messed up head clicked for a moment and made me think, look at all of these replies advising me what to do, they can't all be wrong can they?
I have gone and convinced myself that as of tomorrow morning i will be making that hard phone call to the doctor's to finally get help, I am under no illusions that any help will be offered quickly to me, I know it won't, but i have got to make that step forward because whilst i am so appreciative of people taking time out of their day/night to reply to me i know that it's ultimately down to me to push myself to make that move.
I dare say that i don't know where i would have been if i had not posted this topic, I am not in a suicidal position but if i had not posted something then i don't know where i would be further down the line, please don't take lightly how thankful i am for all your comments, i will be sharing with you all tomorrow a confirmed appointment for when i hopefully get to see a doctor, I'll be honest and say i have still not taken my insulin, but tomorrow is the 1st of march, and maybe i can put those two together and treat tomorrow as the 1st day of a new start where i make that phone call and start taking my insulin again.
I wanted to give everyone a small update, I have lost count the amount of times i have read and re-read everyone's replies to me today, the day started off similar to how it normally does, low mood, in my own little world, dropped my daughter off at school and then sat there in the car reflecting on all the advice, stories, offers of meeting up with me to simply talk, and a small part of my messed up head clicked for a moment and made me think, look at all of these replies advising me what to do, they can't all be wrong can they?
I have gone and convinced myself that as of tomorrow morning i will be making that hard phone call to the doctor's to finally get help, I am under no illusions that any help will be offered quickly to me, I know it won't, but i have got to make that step forward because whilst i am so appreciative of people taking time out of their day/night to reply to me i know that it's ultimately down to me to push myself to make that move.
I dare say that i don't know where i would have been if i had not posted this topic, I am not in a suicidal position but if i had not posted something then i don't know where i would be further down the line, please don't take lightly how thankful i am for all your comments, i will be sharing with you all tomorrow a confirmed appointment for when i hopefully get to see a doctor, I'll be honest and say i have still not taken my insulin, but tomorrow is the 1st of march, and maybe i can put those two together and treat tomorrow as the 1st day of a new start where i make that phone call and start taking my insulin again.
Hello everyone
Just another update, I woke up this morning with the intention from yesterday of ringing the doctors and hopefully getting on a path to some sort of recovery, I'll admit that i did make a few attempts first ringing them and then cancelling the call before anyone spoke, nerves i guess, but then finally made the call, I had to explain everything the best i could to the receptionist before she would put me down for an appointment (I didn't like that one bit) but eventually got an appointment for the 27th of this month, the very first available appointment believe it or not.
I also started to take my insulin again this morning, I feel a little better for doing this as not taking it has a lot of consequences for me but then my mindset hasn't been there to want to do it, also something that i have taken from some of the messages having looked back on them is the ones that have said be kind to myself, something i haven't done in a long time, on the dark days i hate who i am and on what i consider a normal day it's just a constant cloud of depression following over my head wherever i go, l am going to try and not be so harsh on myself, have i had it bad these last 12 months yes, am i the worst case out there? Absolutely not.
Please continue to share your stories with me or any tips etc, as before i typed this topic i was heading nowhere but downhill, but i guess people's response to me has shown the power of this community on pistonheads.
Just another update, I woke up this morning with the intention from yesterday of ringing the doctors and hopefully getting on a path to some sort of recovery, I'll admit that i did make a few attempts first ringing them and then cancelling the call before anyone spoke, nerves i guess, but then finally made the call, I had to explain everything the best i could to the receptionist before she would put me down for an appointment (I didn't like that one bit) but eventually got an appointment for the 27th of this month, the very first available appointment believe it or not.
I also started to take my insulin again this morning, I feel a little better for doing this as not taking it has a lot of consequences for me but then my mindset hasn't been there to want to do it, also something that i have taken from some of the messages having looked back on them is the ones that have said be kind to myself, something i haven't done in a long time, on the dark days i hate who i am and on what i consider a normal day it's just a constant cloud of depression following over my head wherever i go, l am going to try and not be so harsh on myself, have i had it bad these last 12 months yes, am i the worst case out there? Absolutely not.
Please continue to share your stories with me or any tips etc, as before i typed this topic i was heading nowhere but downhill, but i guess people's response to me has shown the power of this community on pistonheads.
Hello everyone
Today hasn't been a good day, big dark clouds over my head, doubting that anything will be done on the 27th so what will be the point of seeing the GP, then a letter come from the hospital telling me i have to go for my eyes checking again, more often than not this usually means my eyesight will have got worse down to the type 1 diabetes, for the last 2 or 3 days i have tried putting more effort into keeping my bloods under control,then it comes to testing them and then they are still high, which then in turn my mindset sees what's the point in me putting all this effort in for me to give up as soon as i see my bloods are still not where they need to be, so then the depression gets deeper which it has done today.
I am so so tired of feeling like this.
Today hasn't been a good day, big dark clouds over my head, doubting that anything will be done on the 27th so what will be the point of seeing the GP, then a letter come from the hospital telling me i have to go for my eyes checking again, more often than not this usually means my eyesight will have got worse down to the type 1 diabetes, for the last 2 or 3 days i have tried putting more effort into keeping my bloods under control,then it comes to testing them and then they are still high, which then in turn my mindset sees what's the point in me putting all this effort in for me to give up as soon as i see my bloods are still not where they need to be, so then the depression gets deeper which it has done today.
I am so so tired of feeling like this.
Hello everyone
I'm as good as can be expected, over the weekend and today would be considered my more "normal" days, clouds above my head, anticipating something bad happening to me, for what it's worth i am a bus driver, so usually expecting some form of abuse is a daily occurrence, I do often wonder whether the job is part of the reason i am like i am as working with the public and seeing what it's like out there everyday makes you realise how bad society is in places.
I'd like to say that i can't wait for the 27th, but i am rather dubious on whether anything will get done at all, I suspect mental health is a very common thing in GP surgeries where its probably like a conveyer belt of people with similar stories, but then again maybe that's just my negative mind telling me that?
I'm as good as can be expected, over the weekend and today would be considered my more "normal" days, clouds above my head, anticipating something bad happening to me, for what it's worth i am a bus driver, so usually expecting some form of abuse is a daily occurrence, I do often wonder whether the job is part of the reason i am like i am as working with the public and seeing what it's like out there everyday makes you realise how bad society is in places.
I'd like to say that i can't wait for the 27th, but i am rather dubious on whether anything will get done at all, I suspect mental health is a very common thing in GP surgeries where its probably like a conveyer belt of people with similar stories, but then again maybe that's just my negative mind telling me that?
Afternoon everyone
So how have i been, well i decided to take on a new project, that project being redecoration of the dining room as it was due freshening up anyway, and to try and take my mind off of what's being bothering me mentally, I actually feel like doing this has given me a purpose and taken my mind off of recent bereavements by giving me something to focus on, however its not all been good news.
I am still finding it hard to put the effort in to keep my bloods under control from my type 1 diabetes, I make the effort, then try testing my bloods to see results i don't like, so then i end up thinking why bother, that then leads to comfort eating, and that in turn makes me worse, feeling very tired, no energy or motivation to put more effort in so then i give up, that's when the depression shows its ugly head and leads me into thinking negatively.
Still 2 weeks to go until my appointment with the GP, feels like a lifetime away.
So how have i been, well i decided to take on a new project, that project being redecoration of the dining room as it was due freshening up anyway, and to try and take my mind off of what's being bothering me mentally, I actually feel like doing this has given me a purpose and taken my mind off of recent bereavements by giving me something to focus on, however its not all been good news.
I am still finding it hard to put the effort in to keep my bloods under control from my type 1 diabetes, I make the effort, then try testing my bloods to see results i don't like, so then i end up thinking why bother, that then leads to comfort eating, and that in turn makes me worse, feeling very tired, no energy or motivation to put more effort in so then i give up, that's when the depression shows its ugly head and leads me into thinking negatively.
Still 2 weeks to go until my appointment with the GP, feels like a lifetime away.
Hello everyone, it's been a while since i last updated this thread, so thought i would comment, I went to my appointment to see the doctor, unfortunately a review on my diabetic management was also due, I also got a referral for my eyes checking over to see if anything had worsened there, sadly my vision has got worse (not as i can see) but damage has been done through the diabetes, which more than likely will finish my job off as i will more than likely have my license revoked.
I was also told i have high blood pressure, which on top of my type 1 and a kidney disease i inherited genetically years ago means i am in pretty poor condition when you take the mental health into the equation too.
I have now pretty much given up, the doctor has said nothing over my mental health other than to carry on taking my existing medication, and come back for a review later, seems i am nothing more than a statistic amongst the many thousands out there who will be just like me.
I was also told i have high blood pressure, which on top of my type 1 and a kidney disease i inherited genetically years ago means i am in pretty poor condition when you take the mental health into the equation too.
I have now pretty much given up, the doctor has said nothing over my mental health other than to carry on taking my existing medication, and come back for a review later, seems i am nothing more than a statistic amongst the many thousands out there who will be just like me.
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