Friday 2nd January 2015

Shed Of The Week: Alfa 156 Sportwagon

Nice colour, low miles and... a Selespeed? Shed pledges support for a quirky old Sportwagon

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Shed's feeling a little delicate today. In what he presumes was an attempt to rekindle the flickering flame of their relationship, Mrs Shed gave him a Jamie At Home recipe book along with a batch of cocktail instructions that she somehow managed to download from the family Amstrad.

Here are the dreaded buttons...

Unfortunately, in the confusion of an unexpected family visit, these got mixed up. The resulting concoctions mixologised by Shed included one featuring five parts vodka, one of cherry brandy, three celeriac chips, half a Cumberland sausage, a slice of gravy and two sprouts from the Waitrose Essentials range.

It sounds awful, and indeed is on first tasting, but after two or three Moscow Tools things do start to look a bit better. This beverage/meal hybrid is not really recommended for those of a short-fuse, 'angry drunk' disposition, because it does bring a mind-altering quality over and above that provided by the alcoholic content. If you're the sort who's easily wound up by small things, best to avoid it.

Shed is such a person. The latest small thing to get his goat is an apparent growth in the trend towards 'bait car' ads. Here's a clean-looking, well-specced and keenly-priced car. Further investigation by the interested punter reveals that this particular car is 'sold', but perhaps Sir would care to look at these other similar cars (which somehow are not really all that similar)?

Still look fantastic, don't they?

This Alfa 156 Sportwagon has a baitish whiff to it - one owner, very low mileage, right colour, right interior, alluring price, weird spec panel - but bringing an element of reality to the price is the presence of the dreaded Selespeed auto gearbox. The ad doesn't actually use the word Selespeed, and there are a few inconsistencies in the spec panel that make you question the ad in general, but the only 156 to get a real auto was the 2.5 V6, so we must assume the worst.

How bad is Selespeed? Depends on how lucky you are. You might never experience a broken solenoid, relay, multiplug, sensor, clutch and actuator. You might always hear the comforting sound of the Selespeed pump priming the system each time you open the door. You might see the 'Selespeed failure' light come up on the dash, only to feel a wave of relief when it disappears on restart.

What's it like to drive a Selespeed Alfa? Pre-'02 models like this one had thumb-change buttons on the steering wheel, but the key to smooth Selespeeding is not so much in your digits as in your toes. The trick, as with Smart cars, is to ease off the throttle during upshifts. The car's transmission ECU can be rather too keen to downshift, dropping more cogs than you really want it to on the entrance to a roundabout (say). Alfa has tried to smooth things out with software upgrades over time but none of them have been wholly successful. At the end of the day it's all in your right foot, and in your understanding of how the system is meant to work.

Where style over substance is allowed

That weird spec panel gives our Shed a five-cylinder turbo engine. As any PHer worth his salt will know, the only five-cylinder to appear under that seductive 156 bonnet was a 2.4-litre diesel, and turbo petrols never made an appearance there - more's the pity. A turbo 156 would have been quite something. It would be wrong to rank Alfa mechanical reliability on the same level as political integrity or celebrity appeal. Admittedly, when our Shed was built, Alfa came joint worst for breakdowns in a survey by Germany's ADAC (their RAC/AA). Yes, the marque didn't do well generally in reliability or warranty claims throughout the 2000s. Yes, you need to change 2.0 cambelts every 36,000 miles. Yes, you need to keep your eye on the oil pressure dash warning (oil pumps can fail). And yes, if the bolts holding the aluminium suspension bits on haven't been periodically tightened the component wear rate will ramp up. But, er, these few problems apart, Alfa mechanicals have a very decent reputation.

As we all know, diesels are hardly worth starting up unless they come with some form of outside assistance, so Alfa hasn't spurned turbocharging its oil burners, but the company has been a relatively late arrival to the world of forced aspiration in petrol engines. They have dabbled in the past, mind ye: 48 years ago they grafted twin oil-driven superchargers, pressurised carburettors and water injection onto a 1,570cc twin-plug GTA engine. The resulting GTA-SA produced 250hp. Go here to almost hear one running over the sound of two Italian chaps gassing. Only ten GTA-SAs were built for Group 5 endurance racing, so who knows how much one of those would cost now.

Potentially ruinous in the best Alfa tradition!

Back to our Sportwagon. As a 2001 model, it should benefit from that year's 2.0-litre 150hp engine upgrade, but it misses out on the 2002 facelift, which may or may not be an issue as many believe this first model to be the best-looking 156.

All 156s came with quick steering. That was something of a revelation on the 1998 launch. Shed well remembers having to wind off lock on more than one occasion in response to the lightning (for the time) turn-in. On the downside, fuel consumption has never been a 2.0 Twin Spark forte. With the auto box you'll be looking at the wrong end of the 20s in urban/general driving.

So, what about this car as a classy start to the New Year, and as an entry into a new brio-enriched style of motoring? As noted, some festive foolery has gone on in the spec panel, but in the New Year spirit let's assume the car is a real one and not bait, and proceed accordingly. Or not, if Selespeed fills you with dread. 46,000 miles is not a lot - and nor is £990 for a sporting 3 Series-sized estate that openly put style ahead of function and that will gladden your heart every time you look at it.

Here's the ad.

RED .1996 cc Petrol, Automatic. VERY NICE EXAMPLE OF THIS CLASSIC ALFA ESTATE CAR.FINISHED IN PROTEO RED WITH FULL BLACK LEATHER.BLACK ALLOY ROOF BARS.16" SPORT ALLO WHEELS.ALL ELECTRICS & REMOTE LOCKING WITH ALARM & IMMOBILISER.CARBON FIBRE EFFECT DASH BOARD WITH SPORTS LEATHER STEERING WHEEL.HEATED ELECTRIC DOOR MIRRORS.1 PREVIOUS OWNER WITH STACKS OF SERVICE HISTORY.LONG MOT.VERY CLEAN TIDY & RELIABLE.P/X BARGAIN.

[Morningside]

Never really looked at Alfa and looking at the photos I thought "Hmm..go on then" But, well, after reading that you have totally put me off owning one.

That gearbox sounds an utter nightmare and re-kindled the thoughts of reliability I always had and heard about Alfas.

So I will pass on this one.

[Morningside]

V8 FOU said:

Same system as the Maserati and Ferrari F1.

That maybe the case BUT most people don't have Ferrari/Maserati money to fix things on a family car.