Tell us why you couldn't race him away from the lights

[DickyC]

He had a diamante steering wheel cover.

Standards have to be maintained.

[DickyC]

Because it is morally reprehensible.

I'm not sure what that means but I thought it might add gravitas to the discussion.

[DickyC]

[DickyC]

Castrol for a knave said:

I was turning left*


Favourite trick - rev the engine, creep it forward, stare at him and matey next to me gets all excited and revs and get's ready and boom, the big off - he goes flying up the road - I turn left.

Oh, yes! Years and years ago in a car full of lads at the lights next to another car full of lads, both cars with engines racing, both rocking on the clutch. The lights changed. They turned left, we turned right. Honestly, I don't think I've ever laughed so much.

[DickyC]

CrossMember said:

Excuses. Excuses.

You absolute bunch of pussies! Call yourselves powerfully-built? I NEVER back down from a challenge. I shall defend the PH honour! I've got this!

OK, let me just press the Sports Exhaust button for a bit of pre-race intimidation... Hmm, that didn't do anything. Press and hold maybe? Nope. Oh, sound synth is on. Menu... Audio... Engine sounds... Enhanced... OFF. Right. Nope, still doesn't work. Oh, of course, Stop-Start is active. I'll turn that off. Ah, there we go. Now, Sports Exhaust button.... Rarrr! Nice! Blip blip! Yeah, you should be afraid, Mr Corsa!

Right, now I'll just hold down the ESP button until the ESP OFF lights up. OK.
Time to get serious! Menu -> Car -> Performance -> Sport+..
Wait, does Sport+ turn the ESP back on? Yes, the indicator has gone. Dammit. Must be Race mode that leaves it on? I mean off? Never mind, let's do a custom setting.
Car -> Settings -> Individual... erm... set.... erm.... ESP off, TC off. Or should I leave it on? Does Launch Control need TC on or off? I can't remember... I'll turn it off anyway... Mood lighting, red obviously. Throttle response... Track. ASPM? Not sure what that is... I'll just leave it on firm. PSSM... erm... I'll just leave that... PMSL? I thought that was... never mind, I'll leave it on. And that... not sure what that does... OK, save.

Menu -> Car -> Performance -> Custom! Sorted!

Who's honking their bloody horn?? Oh, the lights are green. I can't go, I'm just... let me just... sorry everyone behind! Just go around.

Light is back to red. A white 5-series M-Sport is beside me now. Driver is staring at me. Clearly wants a race, don't you pal? Yeah you do, or you'd have bought the SE! I'll be ready this time...

Now, Car -> Setting -> Launch Control -> Race Start. That's all looks good.
Hold down the Launch Control button... why's it not doing anything? Hmm...
Where's the help menu. Here we go. Help... Search.... L.... A.... Launch Control, there is is. Troubleshooting... erm.... Ah-hah! Launch Control only works in M. I'm in D. Right, move the gear selector over to M. Close the help menu. Right....
...
Nope, Launch Control button still isn't doing anything. I should have finished reading the help page. I'll just search again....
....
....
Ah, here we go. Foot needs to be on the brake first. Done...Hold Launch Control for 3 seconds. Bingo, that did something. The dials have changed to big rev counter mode. Now what? Press the accelerator all the way. I can't, I've got my right foot on the brake. I should have pressed the brake with my left foot. Hang on... I'll just... shuffle... my... feet... there! Right, now, 100% throttle and....YES, it's holding 4k RPM! Here we go!!!!
...
...
What's that? SERVICE NOW? I can't right now, I'm in the race of my life here! This is important. PH is counting on me! I'll ignore that, it'll be fine.
...
Come on green light...
...
Ah, the green man on the pedestrian crossing has gone red, so we're staged! Time to get ready!
...
God this is loud... yeah, you're staring me down, aren't you Mr M-Sport! You're going to get CHOPPED, pal!
...
OK, pedestrians are all staring now too. They must be super impressed. I hope they notice my new PH smiley on the back... OK, here we go.
...
GREEN LIGHT! Off the brake, and .... WOAH, that's quick. 30... 60...80 ... and brake brake BRAKE for the next lights! Crikey, that was fast. I'm a driving GOD! Well, I locked up a bit there under braking, and ran over the stop line quite a bit into the red stuff with the bike painted on it, but that's ok, everyone does that. I sure gave that Deliveroo guy a fright though! HA! It's ok mate, I'm a PHer. Nothing to worry about.

I totally nailed Mr Beemer. He was NOWHERE! Chopped! Owned! A clear win for PH by many car lengths. It's like he didn't even try! Probably knew he was beaten before the light even went green.

He's pulling along side. Ha! LOOOOOSEEEEEER!!!!

Why's he telling me to pull over? Screw you pal, you lost, just accept it. I'll just give him the finger instead.

LOL... his mate in the passenger seat with the hi-vis on does NOT look pleased. Mr M-Sport Loser is winding his window down to congratulate me.

What's that? Oh, yes constable. Pull in to the side? Yes, sorry, OK, yes, will do.

Can somebody please head over to Speed, Plod & the Law and just confirm for me that unmarked cars are entrapment? Thanks.

[DickyC]

jackofall84 said:

donkmeister said:

jackofall84 said:

Because..."Jeez! I would've hit that Rolls-Royce!"

Have one of these, Marty

Glad somebody got it

Apologies! I got it but omitted to say anything.

[DickyC]

Because just at the point of launch the top hose sprung a pinhole leak which sprayed a tiny jet of water directly on to the number three spark plug.

[DickyC]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Except this time someone was trying to steal his wheels.

[DickyC]

Because I thought I had Little Deuce Coupe cued up and ready to go but when the lights changed I hit Play and Little Saint Nick came on. Hopeless.

[DickyC]

janesmith1950 said:

Good job it wasn't "It's Raining Men", what with an empty washer bottle and all.

Add lightness - empty washer bottle.

It all adds up.

[DickyC]

janesmith1950 said:

DickyC said:

Add lightness - empty washer bottle.

It all adds up.

I tried that with the fuel tank, yet it was curiously counter-productive.

Try draining the oil next time. Engine, gearbox, diff. Imagine the weight saving.

[DickyC]

baptistsan said:

DickyC said:

Try draining the oil next time. Engine, gearbox, diff. Imagine the weight saving.

Your bladder & bowels?

Am I doing this right?

Better yet, install radio control and conduct the Traffic Light Grand Prix from the comfirt of the window table in Home Dainties Tea Room thus saving at least 80kg.

More in some cases.

[DickyC]

By the time my passenger and I had finished debating whether or not Aubergine was ever a standard Ford colour the purple Anglia was long gone. 

[DickyC]

Digby said:

Because I was on my bicycle. What are these "lights" you speak of?

Prominent primary colour illuminations at intervals along the road. There's loads of them so nothing to worry about.

[DickyC]

I had an acute case of Sturmey Archers.