Sean Connery Joke (Vol 5)

[Mazda Baiter]

Finlandia said:

True story:

This chap was working for a large manufacturing company, one day when he walked into the canteen he saw a unknown black man sitting by a table, tapping his hands on it, as trying to be a drummer.
Chap shouts out over the canteen, are you calling home mate?
Black man answers, yeah man, but all I get is an engaged tone.

[Justayellowbadge]

illmonkey said:

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.

So what number did you pick, eh?

[Poledriver]

illmonkey said:

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.

Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Dont ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.


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Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Unreal! It actually works!

[North West Tom]

A couple of Chinese guys were selling watches on a stall in the market, so I asked my wife if she wanted one.

"I don't know," she said. "They look like they fell off the back of a lorry."

"I know," I said, "But their watches look pretty good."

[Evangelion]

My mother-in-law went into the pub last night with a goat under her arm.

The barman said, "Sorry, you can't come in here with that cow."

She said, "It's not a cow, it's a goat."

He said, "I know, I was talking to the goat."

[Legend83]

My wife is so fat....she, er, sits at home crying all day?

[poj]

Two blokes in the pub....
"Well,the wife should be on the plane now"
"she going on holiday?"
"No mate,she's fitting a new door"

[Finlandia]

Mazda Baiter said:

Finlandia said:

True story:

About African man banging on a table as if he was banging on a drum, like the way African tribes were communicating a few hundred years ago, and probably still do in places.

It loses the fun-factor when having to explain

[KaraK]

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "but we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the manager says, "this cheque is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[Glassman]

BM

[Evangelion]

KaraK said:

A husband and wife are travelling by car ... blah blah blah ... " ... she was here, and you could have."

The accepted punchline for this joke is ... "I know, but it was there if you wanted it."

And by the way, the first time I heard it, I fell out of my cot laughing.

[im]

Glassman said:

BM

Wow...your jokes are getting more & more subtle each day Glassy...

[Grey Ghost]

Cock Womble 7 said:

I'm an ex-tractor fan.

Dave Lee Travis c1983

Now get back to your criminal thread or have they decided you are Charles Bronson

[Tony 1234]

KaraK said:

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "but we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the manager says, "this cheque is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[OlberJ]

Boy appears at home one night at 3am, plastered drunk.

His wife is sat up in bed fuming as he stoats in the door with a pig under his arm.

"See this...? This is the cow i have to have sex with when you're not in the mood"

His wife scowls at him, "That's not a cow, it's a pig you moron!"

"....I was talking to the pig."

[nobodyknows]

did you hear about the Dwarf who was pick pocketed - I can't believe anybody could stoop so low

[Glassman]

OlberJ said:

Boy appears at home one night at 3am, plastered drunk.

His wife is sat up in bed fuming as he stoats in the door with a pig under his arm.

"See this...? This is the cow i have to have sex with when you're not in the mood"

His wife scowls at him, "That's not a cow, it's a pig you moron!"

"....I was talking to the pig."

How old is this boy?

[OlberJ]

Glassman said:

OlberJ said:

Boy appears at home one night at 3am, plastered drunk.

His wife is sat up in bed fuming as he stoats in the door with a pig under his arm.

"See this...? This is the cow i have to have sex with when you're not in the mood"

His wife scowls at him, "That's not a cow, it's a pig you moron!"

"....I was talking to the pig."

How old is this boy?

Very, my great grandad knew him well.

Are you about the same age?

[Glassman]

As gramps, or the joke?

[OlberJ]

They're about equal.