Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
A quick update, noting that its been nearly a year since I started the thread.
Things had been going well with the ex generally - we have continued working effectively as a team with her providing the bulk of mid-week childcare whilst I work and in turn support her by paying her rent and allowing her to use my second car - an arrangement which has worked well for nearly 6 months now. The kids have been much more settled and happy.
In that time I've also cleared some former marital debt in her name and generally tried to help her get established independently.
I haven't moved forward with finalising the divorce because it involves the hurdle of obtaining a consent agreement in respect of financial settlement and frankly I just haven't had the inclination to start paying solicitors fees (I'm still recovering from last years' bills) or rocking the boat between her, myself and the kids.
Bit of a jolt back to reality though - I've recently seen evidence that she is still having an intense relationship with the guy who made her homeless 6 months ago - a fact which in itself doesn't surprise or bother me in the slightest - but the guy still bears a grudge towards me for 'ruining his life' and its evident that my wife has not only sought to fuel this but has gone as far as to conspire to have me harmed and has provided him with details of my whereabouts with him claiming to have associates out looking for me in order to deliver a beating.
Whilst I'm fairly dismissive of his threats as fantasy, she has fallen for his "retired gangster" story hook line and sinker, and thus her intent to cause me harm is alarming.
I'm therefore staring back down the barrel of conflict and wondering how brutally I should pull the rug from under her. So nearly exactly a year and bizarrely it feels as though I'm back to square one, which is calling the locksmith first thing tomorrow!
It just goes to show that you can be too nice for your own good - those who warned me about lowering my guard and extending any support or trust, were right all along.
Things had been going well with the ex generally - we have continued working effectively as a team with her providing the bulk of mid-week childcare whilst I work and in turn support her by paying her rent and allowing her to use my second car - an arrangement which has worked well for nearly 6 months now. The kids have been much more settled and happy.
In that time I've also cleared some former marital debt in her name and generally tried to help her get established independently.
I haven't moved forward with finalising the divorce because it involves the hurdle of obtaining a consent agreement in respect of financial settlement and frankly I just haven't had the inclination to start paying solicitors fees (I'm still recovering from last years' bills) or rocking the boat between her, myself and the kids.
Bit of a jolt back to reality though - I've recently seen evidence that she is still having an intense relationship with the guy who made her homeless 6 months ago - a fact which in itself doesn't surprise or bother me in the slightest - but the guy still bears a grudge towards me for 'ruining his life' and its evident that my wife has not only sought to fuel this but has gone as far as to conspire to have me harmed and has provided him with details of my whereabouts with him claiming to have associates out looking for me in order to deliver a beating.
Whilst I'm fairly dismissive of his threats as fantasy, she has fallen for his "retired gangster" story hook line and sinker, and thus her intent to cause me harm is alarming.
I'm therefore staring back down the barrel of conflict and wondering how brutally I should pull the rug from under her. So nearly exactly a year and bizarrely it feels as though I'm back to square one, which is calling the locksmith first thing tomorrow!
It just goes to show that you can be too nice for your own good - those who warned me about lowering my guard and extending any support or trust, were right all along.
Edited by theboss on Monday 1st May 20:10
bmw535i said:
To be fair there has been a lot of good advice given on here regarding your ongoing relationship with your ex.
Im not saying it's been ignored, but I dare say adhering to most of it would have resulted in a far better outcome
In fairness, I look it at it that the OP has tried his darnedest to be firm but fair, and do right by his kids. She has once again shown what a bIm not saying it's been ignored, but I dare say adhering to most of it would have resulted in a far better outcome
h she is, and deserves no more goodwill from him. Go to the police and tell them you fear for your life and you need protection. If you have any evidence of this conspiracy and her collusion even better. They will kick some doors in and make life horrible for them. You need to make it clear that he claims to be involved in organized crime and that you fear firearms/weapons could be used. You will make a statement - they will go to the magistrates, they will then kick the door in and arrest him.
I'm not usually one for involving the police without need. But in this case it seems fitting. He is making threats against you. He does claim to be mr big. And he did have it off with your wife.
I'm not usually one for involving the police without need. But in this case it seems fitting. He is making threats against you. He does claim to be mr big. And he did have it off with your wife.
Oh dear.
Work out how to pull the rug out brutally and cut her off once and for all, and soon.
Also go to the police with this info - not that they will give a stuff because you are a guy (sadly), but there is a slim chance they will take it seriously and it can work in your favour.
In short, f*** her.
How far did you get in the divorce?
Work out how to pull the rug out brutally and cut her off once and for all, and soon.
Also go to the police with this info - not that they will give a stuff because you are a guy (sadly), but there is a slim chance they will take it seriously and it can work in your favour.
In short, f*** her.
How far did you get in the divorce?
GCH said:
Also go to the police with this info - not that they will give a stuff because you are a guy (sadly), but there is a slim chance they will take it seriously and it can work in your favour.
I'm afraid this is likely to be reality. Some 7 years ago I was with a psychotic bh, who regularly assaulted me. One night the straw that broke the camels back was a drawer launched by her in my direction (with the intention of harm) being sent back to her, which resulted in full on victim mode, hysteria, cops called. Damson in distress mode. Cops arresting me, them refusing to arrest her as she didn't admit a thing, me spending 18 hours in a cell, her crying on my mums shoulder... 'he just snapped, I was so scared' BS. Equality doesn't always work both ways.
Thanks guys.
Going to the police probably opens a bigger can of worms due to my methods of obtaining this evidence, plus nothing has actually happened to me, it really amounts to posturing on his part and they would probably just claim it's some bizarre fantasy / role play (like the rest of the world they inhabit).
Of course I will withdraw support to a degree but this won't be total given that I'm a guarantor on her tenancy (the only way she could get one) so if she defaults I'm paying it anyway, at least until the end of the tenancy at which point I can refuse to extend. We have two children together whose lives she will continue to play a major role in, so if I pull the rug totally I'm going to (1) subject my kids to yet further volatility (their mother has moved house 4 times in 12 months now) and (2) possibly find myself being compelled to maintain her by a court. I've been a sole earner for the last 15 years. I can try and have residence of the children but that won't feel so great when they are screaming for their mother (which they will at some point) and when I have to give up work to look after them - so a balance has to be struck and it will involve me paying her something. I did see the car as merely a cheap lease for the kids for safety's sake but I'll be taking that back soon - driving an utter shed will be the ultimate humble pie for her - or she can get her lover to provide an alternative.
Divorce wise I got to the stage where the decree nisi was issued so I can apply for a decree absolute - it's only likely to be granted when we have settled on financial matters though.
In terms of the original marital home, it's rented and the tenancy is in my name solely so there is no coming back. She has taken various belongings to furnish her own place, but only cheaper surplus items so I've effectively retained the decent contents of the house. Apart from that, a SIPP each (not big) and a few unsecured debts there's nothing to divide. A bigger concern is my medico-legal proceedings which could - in theory - see me receive a substantial damages payment in 4-5 years time. That possibility will have to be declared according to my solicitor and I don't doubt she'll be staking her claim if that happens in the future - but it's a while down the road.
I have no attachment to the woman - if it weren't for our children who I believe have been badly affected by what's happened to date - I'd be living as far away as possible and having absolutely nothing to do with her again. I have only ever acted for their interests - not because I want any sort of continuing relationship with her.
Going to the police probably opens a bigger can of worms due to my methods of obtaining this evidence, plus nothing has actually happened to me, it really amounts to posturing on his part and they would probably just claim it's some bizarre fantasy / role play (like the rest of the world they inhabit).
Of course I will withdraw support to a degree but this won't be total given that I'm a guarantor on her tenancy (the only way she could get one) so if she defaults I'm paying it anyway, at least until the end of the tenancy at which point I can refuse to extend. We have two children together whose lives she will continue to play a major role in, so if I pull the rug totally I'm going to (1) subject my kids to yet further volatility (their mother has moved house 4 times in 12 months now) and (2) possibly find myself being compelled to maintain her by a court. I've been a sole earner for the last 15 years. I can try and have residence of the children but that won't feel so great when they are screaming for their mother (which they will at some point) and when I have to give up work to look after them - so a balance has to be struck and it will involve me paying her something. I did see the car as merely a cheap lease for the kids for safety's sake but I'll be taking that back soon - driving an utter shed will be the ultimate humble pie for her - or she can get her lover to provide an alternative.
Divorce wise I got to the stage where the decree nisi was issued so I can apply for a decree absolute - it's only likely to be granted when we have settled on financial matters though.
In terms of the original marital home, it's rented and the tenancy is in my name solely so there is no coming back. She has taken various belongings to furnish her own place, but only cheaper surplus items so I've effectively retained the decent contents of the house. Apart from that, a SIPP each (not big) and a few unsecured debts there's nothing to divide. A bigger concern is my medico-legal proceedings which could - in theory - see me receive a substantial damages payment in 4-5 years time. That possibility will have to be declared according to my solicitor and I don't doubt she'll be staking her claim if that happens in the future - but it's a while down the road.
I have no attachment to the woman - if it weren't for our children who I believe have been badly affected by what's happened to date - I'd be living as far away as possible and having absolutely nothing to do with her again. I have only ever acted for their interests - not because I want any sort of continuing relationship with her.
While it may well be only posturing I'd be keeping records of who, what where regardless of whether you got the info 'off the books' so to speak. I was accused of some pretty scary stuff relating to things I'd done in the army that her word alone merited a friendly chat with the old bill at early doors under caution. While that was established as balls within a few minutes of the start of the conversation, I was told to keep some records of contact just in case.
In you situ, I'd be doing that plus sticking a dash cam front & rear of your vehicle - the rear of a type you can control remotely being able to record anything you feel isn't right just in case this tool does have some connections & someone is occasionally following you.
Get a decent HD cctv on your place too.
But, i would also report it to the cops, even if its only a chat with your local beat plod. Just so that something is on record.
As for her, pull the fking rug. With the relationship in rag order I'd think a removal of the guarantor status fi things degrade further wouldn't be a problem. As for the kids, another matter & priority obviously but i'd sooner be safe than sorry.
In you situ, I'd be doing that plus sticking a dash cam front & rear of your vehicle - the rear of a type you can control remotely being able to record anything you feel isn't right just in case this tool does have some connections & someone is occasionally following you.
Get a decent HD cctv on your place too.
But, i would also report it to the cops, even if its only a chat with your local beat plod. Just so that something is on record.
As for her, pull the f
king rug. With the relationship in rag order I'd think a removal of the guarantor status fi things degrade further wouldn't be a problem. As for the kids, another matter & priority obviously but i'd sooner be safe than sorry.My solicitor has taken this revelation of threats very seriously and is liaising with colleagues in criminal law to understand the implications of me reporting to the police based on covertly obtained evidence - I'm going to park this aspect of the discussion until I know what's happening.
The medico-legal stuff is complicated - I have taken advice here from a range of sources - but there has been recent precedence for ex-wives to claim - and be awarded - a share of compensation payouts in relation to disabilities It's disgusting, but it's the world we live in. The general consesus is that it's not possible to completely avoid this risk, but that any 'entitlement' on her part would be limited to sums paid in respect of future lost income, rather than (for example) future care needs or home adaptations. Therefore the structure of any future settlement would dictate whether she had a claim, as would her own circumstances at the time. I can only hope she re-marries in that timeframe.
There's also no way I can hide this possibility from the wife, or I obviously wouldn't be mentioning it here. It goes back to the weeks before we separated - she sat in hospital with me and was party to conversations with my own medical consultants who advised me to seek legal advice (that was all they could say on the matter, of course).
As nice as it would be to brutally withdraw any future support, its cheaper to pay her rent for the time being than any of the alternatives. I was burning on average 2-3x her rent per month on legal fees last year and my working life would stand to be disrupted considerably if I had to pick up a greater share of childcare. She would also go straight back to the CMS and have my income assessed for child maintenance and the next thing I know I'd be legally compelled to pay her at least as much as I already am. She may well disrupt my contact with them too. For the time being its far easier to just pay her rent, and at least in doing so she won't fall into arrears risking further disruption to the kids.
The medico-legal stuff is complicated - I have taken advice here from a range of sources - but there has been recent precedence for ex-wives to claim - and be awarded - a share of compensation payouts in relation to disabilities It's disgusting, but it's the world we live in. The general consesus is that it's not possible to completely avoid this risk, but that any 'entitlement' on her part would be limited to sums paid in respect of future lost income, rather than (for example) future care needs or home adaptations. Therefore the structure of any future settlement would dictate whether she had a claim, as would her own circumstances at the time. I can only hope she re-marries in that timeframe.
There's also no way I can hide this possibility from the wife, or I obviously wouldn't be mentioning it here. It goes back to the weeks before we separated - she sat in hospital with me and was party to conversations with my own medical consultants who advised me to seek legal advice (that was all they could say on the matter, of course).
As nice as it would be to brutally withdraw any future support, its cheaper to pay her rent for the time being than any of the alternatives. I was burning on average 2-3x her rent per month on legal fees last year and my working life would stand to be disrupted considerably if I had to pick up a greater share of childcare. She would also go straight back to the CMS and have my income assessed for child maintenance and the next thing I know I'd be legally compelled to pay her at least as much as I already am. She may well disrupt my contact with them too. For the time being its far easier to just pay her rent, and at least in doing so she won't fall into arrears risking further disruption to the kids.
Why would you even entertain the idea of going out of your way to make her life easier?
From previous posts on this it sounds as if your kids are under no illusions as to how this all came to pass, and that they blame her entirely for it. They are not best served by you putting yourself in a position where you are unnecessarily stressed, or anxious, etc. If needs be I would tell them that you've tried to do right by their Mum, but that she is still maintaining a relationship with this other person, and that they have made threats, etc.
Parents splitting up tends to mature kids faster than you perhaps realise, having gone through this stuff myself, where my parents tried (badly) to keep up appearances, it was obvious to me that it was a sham and when it inevitably blew up it made it all the more worse than had there been a clean break.
As has been said previously there has been some sobering advice and predictions from others on here which, sadly, was ignored. No one can blame you for trying to keep things as stable as possible for your children, but you're only manufacturing that stability - and I think they probably already realise it's an artifice.
Now is the time to start thinking of yourself and how you are going to be best positioned to support your children in the future by protecting yourself and your assets as much as possible, not your ex-missus who has (with success) done the whole waterworks thing in the past, and is (and was) now just playing you.
edit: Just read your post above. I'm bristling from the predicament you're in and it doesn't even involve me.
From previous posts on this it sounds as if your kids are under no illusions as to how this all came to pass, and that they blame her entirely for it. They are not best served by you putting yourself in a position where you are unnecessarily stressed, or anxious, etc. If needs be I would tell them that you've tried to do right by their Mum, but that she is still maintaining a relationship with this other person, and that they have made threats, etc.
Parents splitting up tends to mature kids faster than you perhaps realise, having gone through this stuff myself, where my parents tried (badly) to keep up appearances, it was obvious to me that it was a sham and when it inevitably blew up it made it all the more worse than had there been a clean break.
As has been said previously there has been some sobering advice and predictions from others on here which, sadly, was ignored. No one can blame you for trying to keep things as stable as possible for your children, but you're only manufacturing that stability - and I think they probably already realise it's an artifice.
Now is the time to start thinking of yourself and how you are going to be best positioned to support your children in the future by protecting yourself and your assets as much as possible, not your ex-missus who has (with success) done the whole waterworks thing in the past, and is (and was) now just playing you.
edit: Just read your post above. I'm bristling from the predicament you're in and it doesn't even involve me.
theboss said:
My solicitor has taken this revelation of threats very seriously and is liaising with colleagues in criminal law to understand the implications of me reporting to the police based on covertly obtained evidence - I'm going to park this aspect of the discussion until I know what's happening.
The medico-legal stuff is complicated - I have taken advice here from a range of sources - but there has been recent precedence for ex-wives to claim - and be awarded - a share of compensation payouts in relation to disabilities It's disgusting, but it's the world we live in. The general consesus is that it's not possible to completely avoid this risk, but that any 'entitlement' on her part would be limited to sums paid in respect of future lost income, rather than (for example) future care needs or home adaptations. Therefore the structure of any future settlement would dictate whether she had a claim, as would her own circumstances at the time. I can only hope she re-marries in that timeframe.
There's also no way I can hide this possibility from the wife, or I obviously wouldn't be mentioning it here. It goes back to the weeks before we separated - she sat in hospital with me and was party to conversations with my own medical consultants who advised me to seek legal advice (that was all they could say on the matter, of course).
As nice as it would be to brutally withdraw any future support, its cheaper to pay her rent for the time being than any of the alternatives. I was burning on average 2-3x her rent per month on legal fees last year and my working life would stand to be disrupted considerably if I had to pick up a greater share of childcare. She would also go straight back to the CMS and have my income assessed for child maintenance and the next thing I know I'd be legally compelled to pay her at least as much as I already am. She may well disrupt my contact with them too. For the time being its far easier to just pay her rent, and at least in doing so she won't fall into arrears risking further disruption to the kids.
You're taking the sensible option. A lot of hot-heads are advising the dramatic "fThe medico-legal stuff is complicated - I have taken advice here from a range of sources - but there has been recent precedence for ex-wives to claim - and be awarded - a share of compensation payouts in relation to disabilities It's disgusting, but it's the world we live in. The general consesus is that it's not possible to completely avoid this risk, but that any 'entitlement' on her part would be limited to sums paid in respect of future lost income, rather than (for example) future care needs or home adaptations. Therefore the structure of any future settlement would dictate whether she had a claim, as would her own circumstances at the time. I can only hope she re-marries in that timeframe.
There's also no way I can hide this possibility from the wife, or I obviously wouldn't be mentioning it here. It goes back to the weeks before we separated - she sat in hospital with me and was party to conversations with my own medical consultants who advised me to seek legal advice (that was all they could say on the matter, of course).
As nice as it would be to brutally withdraw any future support, its cheaper to pay her rent for the time being than any of the alternatives. I was burning on average 2-3x her rent per month on legal fees last year and my working life would stand to be disrupted considerably if I had to pick up a greater share of childcare. She would also go straight back to the CMS and have my income assessed for child maintenance and the next thing I know I'd be legally compelled to pay her at least as much as I already am. She may well disrupt my contact with them too. For the time being its far easier to just pay her rent, and at least in doing so she won't fall into arrears risking further disruption to the kids.
k her over" approach, but you seem to be fully aware that is likely to lead to more complications and is likely to be more detrimental to both you and the kids in the long run. Winning a Pyrrhic victory will do you no favours... keep your focus on the long term goal of getting this woman out of your life as much as possible.
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