Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
esxste said:
You're taking the sensible option. A lot of hot-heads are advising the dramatic "f
k her over" approach, but you seem to be fully aware that is likely to lead to more complications and is likely to be more detrimental to both you and the kids in the long run.
Winning a Pyrrhic victory will do you no favours... keep your focus on the long term goal of getting this woman out of your life as much as possible.
Getting this woman out of his life will only happen if he stops delaying the legals and he gets a formal agreement on what payments she is entitled to receive. He's putting off the divorce by being nice which is leaving him open to be exploited both financially, and emotionally.k her over" approach, but you seem to be fully aware that is likely to lead to more complications and is likely to be more detrimental to both you and the kids in the long run. Winning a Pyrrhic victory will do you no favours... keep your focus on the long term goal of getting this woman out of your life as much as possible.
Park the medical negligence claim and take that out of the equation (you can re-visit that later), then get a solicitor and start the formal proceedings so he knows where he stands financially and what claims (if any) she has on any future earnings of any kind.
johnwilliams77 said:
Jonno02 said:
Sorry mate, but countless people, myself included; twice, said you were being too nice and she was taking the piss out of you.
How does this help?Each of us makes a judgement call as best we can. We then live with the consequences. Folks are just trying to help in their own way...
female perspective....
You need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
You need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
SistersofPercy said:
female perspective....
You need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
IMO the problem is often that the wives in these situations are exactly that - Big Girls. They are not fierce independent women who are doing it for themselves with their own money and lives, but those whose lives have moved from Mummy and Daddy doing all but pay their mobile phone bill to having a partner do those things for them . They seem to think that there is a load of stuff that 'just happens' in the same way that there are blokes who still believe in the magic washing basket! The problem is that a lot of blokes are actually big soft sYou need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
tes to whom the thought of doing anything 'nasty' to an ex like chucking her out and not offering to help put her on her feet again is alien. Even more so when they are trying to protect their children.What i can not argue with is that life is too fragile and too short to waste any more than the absolute maximum required with idiots like the one day to be Ex Mrs OP.
My take on it - explain to the kids quietly and in a way that they understand that Mummy did something that hurt Daddy very much and they were trying to work through it but unfortunately Mummy chose to do it again and therefore Mummy may not be able to spend as much time with them as they would all like over the next few months whilst things sort out.
Then cut the b
h off at the knees.
SistersofPercy said:
female perspective....
You need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
Male perspective...no disagreement here.You need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
I think OP has dealt with the situation well.
When I separated with my ex I had to play a long game. I continued to pay the mortgage on the family home and all the bills. After 18 months of that I moved back into the family home and took full custody of the kids. I then paid her an amount of money each month to help out, only until divorce finances were finalised. Rather luckily I was offered redundancy two weeks before the financial hearing in court so ended up making out like a bandit :-) All I ended up giving her was one small pension from a previous job and a small % of equity in the family home when I sell it. Achieved a clean break consent order too, with no ongoing maintenance payments. Quite a result when I had been advised to expect the court to award between £1200 and £1500 a month for life in maintenance payments. It did mean I had to stay unemployed and living off the redundancy money for most of a year while the divorce process creaked along. The judge ended the hearing by asking if there was anything else he could deal with as he had a few minutes to spare, so I said that I would of course be applying immediately for a decree absolute. He asked me two or three questions, then said decree absolute is granted... done. Celebrated for several days.
I think the big issue is that while some women are decent and moral, many others are masters of manipulating men to get what they want. I think most blokes are decent, and some not so much. The biggest problem is that I'd help anybody out if I can, but know I shouldn't let someone take advantage of my good nature :-) With my ex, I acted as reasonably as I could as it reflects better when you go to court - just be careful you aren't doing anything which the court would see as setting a pattern or precedent they might want to order to continue, a solicitors/barristers advice would be useful even if you choose to represent yourself, as I did.
As soon as the divorce was final that was that. She will not get anything from me. Not a single penny in money. No help in moving things, fixing things,none of my time. I know that with her, anything I did would be the thin end of a giant wedge. In my experience, and what I've seen from friends in this situation, if you let an ex leech off of you then they'll be doing that as much as you allow for as long as you allow.
When I separated with my ex I had to play a long game. I continued to pay the mortgage on the family home and all the bills. After 18 months of that I moved back into the family home and took full custody of the kids. I then paid her an amount of money each month to help out, only until divorce finances were finalised. Rather luckily I was offered redundancy two weeks before the financial hearing in court so ended up making out like a bandit :-) All I ended up giving her was one small pension from a previous job and a small % of equity in the family home when I sell it. Achieved a clean break consent order too, with no ongoing maintenance payments. Quite a result when I had been advised to expect the court to award between £1200 and £1500 a month for life in maintenance payments. It did mean I had to stay unemployed and living off the redundancy money for most of a year while the divorce process creaked along. The judge ended the hearing by asking if there was anything else he could deal with as he had a few minutes to spare, so I said that I would of course be applying immediately for a decree absolute. He asked me two or three questions, then said decree absolute is granted... done. Celebrated for several days.
I think the big issue is that while some women are decent and moral, many others are masters of manipulating men to get what they want. I think most blokes are decent, and some not so much. The biggest problem is that I'd help anybody out if I can, but know I shouldn't let someone take advantage of my good nature :-) With my ex, I acted as reasonably as I could as it reflects better when you go to court - just be careful you aren't doing anything which the court would see as setting a pattern or precedent they might want to order to continue, a solicitors/barristers advice would be useful even if you choose to represent yourself, as I did.
As soon as the divorce was final that was that. She will not get anything from me. Not a single penny in money. No help in moving things, fixing things,none of my time. I know that with her, anything I did would be the thin end of a giant wedge. In my experience, and what I've seen from friends in this situation, if you let an ex leech off of you then they'll be doing that as much as you allow for as long as you allow.
Sorry to hear about your latest rounds of issues theboss.
You do need to start weening her off the money, car, rented appartment, etc. You've been nice for long enough, I'm not saying cut her off immediately, but make it clear you are not a mug.
Also you should probably get the divorce finalised now rather than waiting. Delaying the inevitable etc.
You do need to start weening her off the money, car, rented appartment, etc. You've been nice for long enough, I'm not saying cut her off immediately, but make it clear you are not a mug.
Also you should probably get the divorce finalised now rather than waiting. Delaying the inevitable etc.
theboss said:
The medico-legal stuff is complicated - I have taken advice here from a range of sources - but there has been recent precedence for ex-wives to claim - and be awarded - a share of compensation payouts in relation to disabilities It's disgusting, but it's the world we live in.
Wow.. just wow - disgusting is certainly one way of putting it...
SistersofPercy said:
female perspective....
You need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
I agree with this. You mention " I can only hope she re-marries in that timeframe." - best to get that decree absolute so she is in a position to go ahead and do so. Make that a clean cut "so you can both move on" (if she asks)...You need to make the break. Despite what you've said so far I'd wonder if subconciously you enjoy her being reliant on you in some way as it keeps you within the relationship, albeit financially.
Whilst you do this you can't move on and you really do need to. She's a big girl, this is a mess of her own making that she needs to sort out. You've lived 12 months of this and I imagine it's wearing. If you want to be 'nice' give her notice that as of the end of the month you won't be supporting her, though personally I'd be pulling the plug this afternoon.
If there is one thing I've learned of late is that life is short and rather fragile. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
Sorry to read of your predicament, I hope things turn out well for you and your children.
hutchst said:
Presumably you will be structuring your medical damages claim in such a way that spousal support forms a specific head of claim, and you won't argue about passing on whatever you get awarded in that respect.
Spousal support won't come into it - there's no chance I'll claim for her benefit and if I am successful in being compensated I'd fight tooth and nail to prevent her from being enriched by my misfortune - or just blow it all on coke and hookers before she can stop me.Oh and there's a positive I wanted to add to the thread. I recently bit the bullet, found a personal trainer who is liaising with my physiotherapy team at the spinal centre and am 4 weeks into an exercise routine for the first time in my life. Losing a few stone and building core strength can only help my lower back help to prevent further deterioration. I figured health has to come first now and I feel a lot better for it already.
Edited by theboss on Wednesday 3rd May 13:09
theboss said:
Oh and there's a positive I wanted to add to the thread. I recently bit the bullet, found a personal trainer who is liaising with my physiotherapy team at the spinal centre and am 4 weeks into an exercise routine for the first time in my life. Losing a few stone and building core strength can only help my lower back help to prevent further deterioration. I figured health has to come first now and I feel a lot better for it already.
Sounds good. Focus on the future and the things you can change. Easy to slip into a routine just because it's 'easier'.Edited by theboss on Wednesday 3rd May 13:09
Rude-boy said:
My take on it - explain to the kids quietly and in a way that they understand that Mummy did something that hurt Daddy very much and they were trying to work through it but unfortunately Mummy chose to do it again and therefore Mummy may not be able to spend as much time with them as they would all like over the next few months whilst things sort out.
Why on earth bring the kids into it?? These are adult problems let the adults deal with it. Using the kids / emotional blackmail is a ish thing to do. Ascayman said:
Rude-boy said:
My take on it - explain to the kids quietly and in a way that they understand that Mummy did something that hurt Daddy very much and they were trying to work through it but unfortunately Mummy chose to do it again and therefore Mummy may not be able to spend as much time with them as they would all like over the next few months whilst things sort out.
Why on earth bring the kids into it?? These are adult problems let the adults deal with it. Using the kids / emotional blackmail is a ish thing to do. I'm also incredibly wary knowing that last year, whenever I discussed 'adult' issues at a level I thought appropriate with my daughter (who was incredibly perceptive and asked a lot of 'adult' questions), I knew the ex would end up hearing about the conversation and then provided a daily commentary to Children's Services making all sorts of accusations against me. Its easy to say that you don't talk to the kids about any of these things, but when you take a bright, inquisitive child, strip them of their innocence and thrust them into a new very adult world of relationship breakdowns and 'new daddies', they tend to go to people they trust most and demand answers. At least mine did.
Re the medical stuff, it's really too early to even think about it and if it transpires that a settlement is likely then I'll be taking financial advice in addition to being well represented legally. I don't know how badly my career has been impacted because I've very fortunately held down a consultancy engagement with a very sympathetic client which has been very accommodating with respect to my problems and sudden limitations. All good things come to an end, and when this does, I don't know how fit I'll be for more typical work I've built my career on.
I hope I can continue to recover and rehabilitate myself such that the impact to future earnings is minimal, but the harsh reality is that I now spend many hours a day performing bladder and bowel management routines and would struggle with pressured working environment, long hours, commuting and so on. The damage sustained is almost certainly permanent. A payout would provide financial security and I'd also be thinking of future care needs because whilst things are self-manageable at 35, its only going to go downhill as I age.
Edited by theboss on Wednesday 3rd May 17:47
I'm a tad confused here; you're still supporting her - paying for things you needn't pay for... and she is conspiring to have you beaten up?
Do I have that right?
Is this purely down to her new chap thinking he's some kind of badass; and she's buying into it? He's upset because his wife knows... but there was no way he'd be with your ex without his ex knowing anyway; so is he plain thick?
I'm perplexed.
Do I have that right?
Is this purely down to her new chap thinking he's some kind of badass; and she's buying into it? He's upset because his wife knows... but there was no way he'd be with your ex without his ex knowing anyway; so is he plain thick?
I'm perplexed.
OP is in a very difficult position but there are posters who don't seem to appreciate this.
Telling him to effectively cut her off when she is the main carer of the kids is irresponsible advice.
At least with him contributing they have a home and as stable life as is possible in this situation.
Telling him to effectively cut her off when she is the main carer of the kids is irresponsible advice.
At least with him contributing they have a home and as stable life as is possible in this situation.
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