Marriage is Over....
Discussion
Ok so cutting to the chase it looks like my marriage of 10 years is over (we've been together much longer). A bit of background but about 2 years ago my Mrs announced that she doesn't love me anymore (yep that ole chestnut). She was not in a good place at the time though and was diagnosed with depression which was suppressed somewhat by counselling and medication. Even though I thought we'd addressed the issues with respect to her feelings towards me the old demons have been resurrected and this week she announced that she still feels the same way and would be happier if we split.... Great. To say I am gutted is an understatement, the last 2 years have been a real emotional roller coaster and to be honest I really don't know where things have gone wrong. We have 2 great kids, she wants for nothing etc etc.
I've been as supportive as I can throughout her health problems and since the second bombshell was dropped I have remained calm, collected and in control (although inside I am in turmoil). I don't want her to go and have told her as much and think we can work things out if she is willing but I'm not going to beg her to stay, nor pander to her but will support her however way I can. I really think her depression is rearing it's ugly head again but maybe I am kidding myself. However, she is adamant that this is it and doesn't see the point in seeking any professional help with the relationship which I think is disappointing... Nothing much has changed though on the surface in the last few days as we are both still in the family home and bizarrely still sharing a bed.
I know that a number of PH'ers have found themselves in a similar position so what's the best course of action for me now with respect to the kids, house etc etc. I'm not looking to rip her off nor her me but if the inevitable happens which is looking increasingly likely I will need to get things sorted asap and I want to keep things squeaky clean and above board. I am trying to carry on as normal and resisted the temptation to disappear for a couple of days to give her some space because she wants to leave me and I think she needs to make the first move.... Any advice, thoughts appreciated cos there's no manual for this and I'm properly confused
I know I probably need to MTFU, nuke her from orbit and throw cans of redbull but maybe that will come later....
I've been as supportive as I can throughout her health problems and since the second bombshell was dropped I have remained calm, collected and in control (although inside I am in turmoil). I don't want her to go and have told her as much and think we can work things out if she is willing but I'm not going to beg her to stay, nor pander to her but will support her however way I can. I really think her depression is rearing it's ugly head again but maybe I am kidding myself. However, she is adamant that this is it and doesn't see the point in seeking any professional help with the relationship which I think is disappointing... Nothing much has changed though on the surface in the last few days as we are both still in the family home and bizarrely still sharing a bed.
I know that a number of PH'ers have found themselves in a similar position so what's the best course of action for me now with respect to the kids, house etc etc. I'm not looking to rip her off nor her me but if the inevitable happens which is looking increasingly likely I will need to get things sorted asap and I want to keep things squeaky clean and above board. I am trying to carry on as normal and resisted the temptation to disappear for a couple of days to give her some space because she wants to leave me and I think she needs to make the first move.... Any advice, thoughts appreciated cos there's no manual for this and I'm properly confused
I know I probably need to MTFU, nuke her from orbit and throw cans of redbull but maybe that will come later....
I am sure lots of people will be along soon enough to tell you about the mechanics of divorce and what comes next, but before you get to all of that it's important in your own mind to be sure of how you want to behave going forwards.
Divorce and separation doesn't have to be the bun fight that often turns in to. Because of the complication around her depression it important to be aware of where she is emotionally and mentally. The last thing you want is for later in life your kids to turn around to you and say that you drove their mum into a deeper depression, so, it's all about trying to keep that logic and emotion balance for all of you.
On the positive side, you may well find that in the months and years to come this is the best thing that ever happened to the both of you. What ever the triggers for your wife's depression is, for her to say that divorce is now the only option is quite telling. It may well have taken her two years to have been able to say that to you...
Now she has, you can both move on. If you can, if it does not get too messy along the way, keep your kindness, for you, for her and your children. Her reasons are not the same as infidelity or greed, they are probably way more complex than that and as yet very unresolved. It's sad to read, it will be hard to get through, but you will find a way that works for all of you.
Edit: .. and the part that I hope writing this will will help is that there is no blame in this. No one person is responsible, no one is at fault. Sometimes, life as a couple just cannot continue and in that, it is what it is. The inner turmoil you speak of, give it a voice and a chance to express itself. What ever it is; grief, anger, frustration... what ever it is, give it a means to express itself so that it doesn't turn into someone destructive and angry.
Divorce and separation doesn't have to be the bun fight that often turns in to. Because of the complication around her depression it important to be aware of where she is emotionally and mentally. The last thing you want is for later in life your kids to turn around to you and say that you drove their mum into a deeper depression, so, it's all about trying to keep that logic and emotion balance for all of you.
On the positive side, you may well find that in the months and years to come this is the best thing that ever happened to the both of you. What ever the triggers for your wife's depression is, for her to say that divorce is now the only option is quite telling. It may well have taken her two years to have been able to say that to you...
Now she has, you can both move on. If you can, if it does not get too messy along the way, keep your kindness, for you, for her and your children. Her reasons are not the same as infidelity or greed, they are probably way more complex than that and as yet very unresolved. It's sad to read, it will be hard to get through, but you will find a way that works for all of you.
Edit: .. and the part that I hope writing this will will help is that there is no blame in this. No one person is responsible, no one is at fault. Sometimes, life as a couple just cannot continue and in that, it is what it is. The inner turmoil you speak of, give it a voice and a chance to express itself. What ever it is; grief, anger, frustration... what ever it is, give it a means to express itself so that it doesn't turn into someone destructive and angry.
Edited by drivin_me_nuts on Saturday 12th May 02:19
Gutted for you, please ignore all the SWT comments and remember your children, my parents did not do a good job of that and it hurt more than them splitting.
I hope it can all be resolved like adults, but prepare for it to be more complicated once other people start putting their opinions in.
I hope it can all be resolved like adults, but prepare for it to be more complicated once other people start putting their opinions in.
Call me cynical, but I read 'she's adamant this is it', as 'she's f
king someone else'.
Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
king someone else'. Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
As a divorcee myself I'm sorry to hear the news of your marriage breakup. I'm glad things are amicable between the two of you, but one word of warning - once the lawyers get involved it won't stay that way. They are vampires, preying on the misery of others so prepare yourself. Good luck.
Mobile Chicane said:
Call me cynical, but I read 'she's adamant this is it', as 'she's fking someone else'.
Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
Absolute bking someone else'. Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
ks. Don't kick a man when he's down, give him the benefit of doubt at least. When your marriage fails would you like to receive a reply like that? Sort your head out, "Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next".
What school taught you this? You did go to school didn't you???
LordFlathead said:
Mobile Chicane said:
Call me cynical, but I read 'she's adamant this is it', as 'she's fking someone else'.
Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
Absolute bking someone else'. Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
ks. Don't kick a man when he's down, give him the benefit of doubt at least. When your marriage fails would you like to receive a reply like that? Sort your head out, "Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next".
What school taught you this? You did go to school didn't you???
ks. However, if you think he is wrong then instead of just saying so, and chucking in an insult, argue it out properly if you feel you have a basis in logic.If you can keep it amicable DO NOT involve legal bods for anything than drawing up the documents of separation. Once they are involved in assessing the assets and deciding the splits it's the possible start of things going very messy.
My Ex and myself managed this and we are still friends 10 years later.
All the best.
My Ex and myself managed this and we are still friends 10 years later.
All the best.
garyhun said:
If you can keep it amicable DO NOT involve legal bods for anything than drawing up the documents of separation. Once they are involved in assessing the assets and deciding the splits it's the possible start of things going very messy.
My Ex and myself managed this and we are still friends 10 years later.
All the best.
This, try to keep it amicable, think of it as a damage limitation exercise for the kids sake, they are going to be traumatised enough, sad news man.My Ex and myself managed this and we are still friends 10 years later.
All the best.
LordFlathead said:
Mobile Chicane said:
Call me cynical, but I read 'she's adamant this is it', as 'she's fking someone else'.
Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
Absolute bking someone else'. Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
ks. Don't kick a man when he's down, give him the benefit of doubt at least. When your marriage fails would you like to receive a reply like that? Sort your head out, "Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next".
What school taught you this? You did go to school didn't you???
You can't rewind the clock I know but when you got the bomb dropped on you 2 years ago that was the time to start planning your exit strategy.
I reckon you could have left her with nothing, you could have hid money, sold things, got rid of home equity etc.
Sounds bad I know but look after number one, she won't give a toss about you.
I reckon you could have left her with nothing, you could have hid money, sold things, got rid of home equity etc.
Sounds bad I know but look after number one, she won't give a toss about you.
I hope you can find some support for yourself whilst you are going through this experience. If possible and to make it a reality for both of you, insist that you and your wife sit down and start to plan how you will both start the process of seperating and making all the arrangements, before you need to involve solicitors. In doing this, you are both responsible for how the seperation and care of your children and each other is determined. This also makes it real for your wife, and not a sense that you are doing this to her, more of a reality of her wish to seperate. Hope you can work out whats best for both of you, this maybe difficult to see at this stage, good luck.
Robsti said:
LordFlathead said:
Mobile Chicane said:
Call me cynical, but I read 'she's adamant this is it', as 'she's fking someone else'.
Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
Absolute bking someone else'. Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
However, try and be mature about it, and measured in your actions, for the sake of the children.
ks. Don't kick a man when he's down, give him the benefit of doubt at least. When your marriage fails would you like to receive a reply like that? Sort your head out, "Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next".
What school taught you this? You did go to school didn't you???
Have felt your pain sir!
Good luck with however it turns out....to early to call. Take your time and go at the speed you are comfortable with. Don't do things that hurt others and remember the children they the ones that get hurt the most in situations like these!
Your life is not over just beginning a new chapter!
Good luck with however it turns out....to early to call. Take your time and go at the speed you are comfortable with. Don't do things that hurt others and remember the children they the ones that get hurt the most in situations like these!
Your life is not over just beginning a new chapter!
Went through this 14 years ago.
This is what I learned from mine,
1. Do not under any circumstances use the children as a bargaining tool, and do not try to get them to take sides. If you want to moan about your wife, do it to her, not the children. They will adapt very quickly and with the support of both of you will get through this much easier than you will.
2. Try and maintain your dignity, which it seems like you are doing, and if it turns nasty, which it will when the legal bods get involved, try and keep calm and rational, difficult but worth it. Sometimes it is easier to accept the inevitable, it makes it easier to deal with. Don't revert to begging her to reconsider, she will lose respect for you.
3. If it ends up in court, hire a barrister who specialises in divorce for the day, it worked for me, expensive but worth it.Pick your solicitor carefully, I started off with a young female solicitor, a bit of a feminist, very bad news for me, she wanted me to roll over so to speak. I ended up with a 50's plus female who was like your granny, she did a brilliant job for me.
Oh and No 4, try not to leave the marital home until it is all sorted.
Good luck OP, but it seems that after 2 years she probably does mean it.
This is what I learned from mine,
1. Do not under any circumstances use the children as a bargaining tool, and do not try to get them to take sides. If you want to moan about your wife, do it to her, not the children. They will adapt very quickly and with the support of both of you will get through this much easier than you will.
2. Try and maintain your dignity, which it seems like you are doing, and if it turns nasty, which it will when the legal bods get involved, try and keep calm and rational, difficult but worth it. Sometimes it is easier to accept the inevitable, it makes it easier to deal with. Don't revert to begging her to reconsider, she will lose respect for you.
3. If it ends up in court, hire a barrister who specialises in divorce for the day, it worked for me, expensive but worth it.Pick your solicitor carefully, I started off with a young female solicitor, a bit of a feminist, very bad news for me, she wanted me to roll over so to speak. I ended up with a 50's plus female who was like your granny, she did a brilliant job for me.
Oh and No 4, try not to leave the marital home until it is all sorted.
Good luck OP, but it seems that after 2 years she probably does mean it.
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