Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
BigLion said:
I do wonder if the Hollywood / music industry portrayal of being forever absolutely smitten with each other and every day being massive excitement and not being able to spend a minute apart etc. etc. has left the general population being unrealistic and hence more disenfranchised?
With all due respect, I think Hollywood/celebrities offer the complete opposite image. I'm not one to follow socialites in the news but the last two stories I recall are of Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris, where Harris was made to be the bad guy. I don't believe he did anything wrong. More recently, Lindsay Lohan and Egor Whatshisface had a bit of a tiff on a beach, towhit the media proudly reported he'd assaulted her - from what I've seen, he just restrained her so he could pick up his phone (that she threw out of their car).Hollywood nowadays seems to be #girlpower.
Vitorio said:
Well that is a bit cynical.
My ex is not the woman for me, and i do wonder whatever possessed me to get as far it did, but i do trust her. We get along just fine after we split up, which is a good way to split up, for the kids as well.
As hard as it sometimes is, splitting up was the right decision, and we both will end up better for it, as will the kids
It may be cynical to you, but your situation has just proved me right...!My ex is not the woman for me, and i do wonder whatever possessed me to get as far it did, but i do trust her. We get along just fine after we split up, which is a good way to split up, for the kids as well.
As hard as it sometimes is, splitting up was the right decision, and we both will end up better for it, as will the kids
TheLordJohn said:
It may be cynical to you, but your situation has just proved me right...!
Not at all, both of us were naive going into it all, and given how the split is going so far, i have no reason what so ever to distrust her motives, both of us are being fair and civil with the other, while some splits/divorces end up with both sides trying to squeeze every last penny out of the other.If anything, my situation proves that even with entanglements like kids/house, a break up can be handled in a civil manner, resulting in a positive outcome for all involved.
Vitorio said:
Not at all, both of us were naive going into it all, and given how the split is going so far, i have no reason what so ever to distrust her motives, both of us are being fair and civil with the other, while some splits/divorces end up with both sides trying to squeeze every last penny out of the other.
If anything, my situation proves that even with entanglements like kids/house, a break up can be handled in a civil manner, resulting in a positive outcome for all involved.
And then another man is doing his share of carrying the job on of 'raising' your children as he sees fit.If anything, my situation proves that even with entanglements like kids/house, a break up can be handled in a civil manner, resulting in a positive outcome for all involved.
Not for me, thanks.
Personally think FAR too many people rush into marriage, rush into kids and there's usually a negative outcome.
she actually resents me for becoming a success and earning money. it shines a light on her as a failure. i tried to get her to do college courses so she would be happier and have a better career. but after one year she would quit.
she was unemployed for 3 years then when we split up she found a good job straight away and wanted a separation. but i keep paying for everything.
this was not acceptable we agreed the terms for the divorce and i flew out that night.
she offered to drive me to the airport, i refused and got my daughter to do it.
it all went down hill on our 20th wedding anniversary. got her a 8 ft red ceder wood fired hot tub and built a 24 by 22 ft deck on five levels. to show her how much she means to me. everyone was telling her how lucky she was. she couldn't deal with it.
we did couples therapy where it came out she was raped and abused as a kid. so i too a year sabbatical and cared and supported her. it was all lies, it was to cover up the guilt from the affairs.
i am now no contact and refuse to speak to her. she tried the other day and i had to call her back. and i told her how despicable she was.
i now know about BPD and her issues but that dosn't excuse the abuse she has put me through, she will not be allowed to do this to my daughter!
anyway it's not all bad.
she was unemployed for 3 years then when we split up she found a good job straight away and wanted a separation. but i keep paying for everything.
this was not acceptable we agreed the terms for the divorce and i flew out that night.
she offered to drive me to the airport, i refused and got my daughter to do it.
it all went down hill on our 20th wedding anniversary. got her a 8 ft red ceder wood fired hot tub and built a 24 by 22 ft deck on five levels. to show her how much she means to me. everyone was telling her how lucky she was. she couldn't deal with it.
we did couples therapy where it came out she was raped and abused as a kid. so i too a year sabbatical and cared and supported her. it was all lies, it was to cover up the guilt from the affairs.
i am now no contact and refuse to speak to her. she tried the other day and i had to call her back. and i told her how despicable she was.
i now know about BPD and her issues but that dosn't excuse the abuse she has put me through, she will not be allowed to do this to my daughter!
anyway it's not all bad.
TheLordJohn said:
Personally think FAR too many people rush into marriage, rush into kids and there's usually a negative outcome.
People get too swept up now with the wedding, as opposed to the marriage; they have an idyllic day that cost £30k, all with a huge build up of a couple of years, it is all a bit of a show, a hugely expensive honeymoon, kids soon appear as that is what you do; kids are great but very draining, generally people nowadays are very selfish and self absorbed (huge wedding); look at all the crap on FB which is also greatly exaggerated, others look at it and think "my life is crap in comparison with hers, she's off on holiday all the time and I'm stuck with a crappy week in Cornwall with the kids" and it can lead to a downward spiral.Crikey; i actually feel a little better for reading this. Just to see i'm not the only one in this position, although fortunately without kids to drag through it all.
Just about ending a 20 year relationship and at the house sale, divorce lawyer stage. Hindsight is marvellous but there was always a hint of the crazy but what i thought was within 'manageable' levels; wrong on that one for a start. The great person 99% of the time has swung to 50% as the behaviour takes over.
Drink, verbal & physical abuse, unreasonable behaviour, debt; I've got the full set I think although as far as I'm aware she's not f
ked anyone else. Yet apparently I'm the unreasonable one for having interests that don't involved getting pissed or shopping for crap I can't afford. Everything I say is twisted and for a pretty well rounded person who just needs to dust of the cobwebs with a couple of games of football a week and a season ticket with his 79 year old father to suffer at QPR, apparently puts me up there as a war criminal.
Drew the line where I ended up taking it out on a guy she was drinking with in our local whilst ignoring multiple calls from me (she'd taken to drink driving too, so I was trying to stop her driving); don't think there was anything in it but I chinned him anyway. Told her the following day that was it for me; I'd been pushed to the point that I had lowered myself to her level.
Since then we've had to share the house until it gets sorted, i've had a health scare running throughout, that she'd swing between a complete bh (drunken screaming in my face 48 hours before a key appt with the consultant) to worry and concern (wondered why I blanked her when she turned up for said appointment) & then got upset that I simply emailed her that it wasn't cancer when the result finally arrived, rather than speak to her directly.
I've begged her to seek help but apparently there is nothing wrong and it's all my fault. Approaching 50 i've a bit of time on my side so it's not the end of the world; but when the person you thought was your best friend & soul mate turns out to be a selfish, drunken, hateful bh it's the worst feeling i've ever had to suffer.
the worst thing was breaking the news to my parents, who treated her like a daughter and hadn't a clue. I'd never shared the problems and any friends who had witnessed them were soon pushed aside or ran away. When i mentioned it was drink related they assumed I had hit the bottle; which did lighten the moment slightly!
Just about ending a 20 year relationship and at the house sale, divorce lawyer stage. Hindsight is marvellous but there was always a hint of the crazy but what i thought was within 'manageable' levels; wrong on that one for a start. The great person 99% of the time has swung to 50% as the behaviour takes over.
Drink, verbal & physical abuse, unreasonable behaviour, debt; I've got the full set I think although as far as I'm aware she's not f
ked anyone else. Yet apparently I'm the unreasonable one for having interests that don't involved getting pissed or shopping for crap I can't afford. Everything I say is twisted and for a pretty well rounded person who just needs to dust of the cobwebs with a couple of games of football a week and a season ticket with his 79 year old father to suffer at QPR, apparently puts me up there as a war criminal.Drew the line where I ended up taking it out on a guy she was drinking with in our local whilst ignoring multiple calls from me (she'd taken to drink driving too, so I was trying to stop her driving); don't think there was anything in it but I chinned him anyway. Told her the following day that was it for me; I'd been pushed to the point that I had lowered myself to her level.
Since then we've had to share the house until it gets sorted, i've had a health scare running throughout, that she'd swing between a complete b
h (drunken screaming in my face 48 hours before a key appt with the consultant) to worry and concern (wondered why I blanked her when she turned up for said appointment) & then got upset that I simply emailed her that it wasn't cancer when the result finally arrived, rather than speak to her directly.I've begged her to seek help but apparently there is nothing wrong and it's all my fault. Approaching 50 i've a bit of time on my side so it's not the end of the world; but when the person you thought was your best friend & soul mate turns out to be a selfish, drunken, hateful b
h it's the worst feeling i've ever had to suffer.the worst thing was breaking the news to my parents, who treated her like a daughter and hadn't a clue. I'd never shared the problems and any friends who had witnessed them were soon pushed aside or ran away. When i mentioned it was drink related they assumed I had hit the bottle; which did lighten the moment slightly!
westberks said:
Crikey; i actually feel a little better for reading this. Just to see i'm not the only one in this position, although fortunately without kids to drag through it all.
Just about ending a 20 year relationship and at the house sale, divorce lawyer stage.
Good on you for no longer putting up with the crap, and considering you dont have kids, its just a matter of settling the divorce and you are done, free again, never have to see her again.Just about ending a 20 year relationship and at the house sale, divorce lawyer stage.
TheLordJohn said:
Another good reason not to have children. The woman can't be trusted.
The less timing you in, the better! When they've decided they've had the best out of you, you won't be COMPLETELY royally turned over (financially speaking).
Cynical but accurate, I am so very glad that I didn't have a kid with the ex, the ability to have a clean break was vital for my sanity and health I couldn't comprehend being in contact with her. There was a step kid involved, but haven't seen her since the day I walked away. There was a couple of requests via solicitor to demand that I keep funding some of the kids activities, but as my solicitor told me, not my problem any more. The less timing you in, the better! When they've decided they've had the best out of you, you won't be COMPLETELY royally turned over (financially speaking).
Tonker
Sounds like you have it a lot worse than me and as you rightly stated it all has to be about the little fella; good luck with getting it sorted out.
I actually question my sanity at times as people thinks she's great as she’s the life and soul, but as soon as the party stops a red mist descends. We then went through a repetitive pattern of me ignoring her for days on end until my mood subsided, but within a few days, weeks, whatever, it would all happen again. She's not an alcoholic, jsut a really stty drunk; if I did that to people I love i'd like to think i'd never touch a drop again.
Whilst all this is going on I’m being portrayed as the bad guy and being told that I never listen and we don't talk. Perhaps she forgets the mad ranting that slags off everything about me and my family without any justification, then wonders why I won't talk to her for days. In the background whilst she only pays a small amount to the houselhold she is left with over 80% of her wages to spend on herself and yet is still tens of thousands in debt. Apparently that’s something I should have dealt with as I’m in finance and should have anticipated this!
FML
Sounds like you have it a lot worse than me and as you rightly stated it all has to be about the little fella; good luck with getting it sorted out.
I actually question my sanity at times as people thinks she's great as she’s the life and soul, but as soon as the party stops a red mist descends. We then went through a repetitive pattern of me ignoring her for days on end until my mood subsided, but within a few days, weeks, whatever, it would all happen again. She's not an alcoholic, jsut a really s
tty drunk; if I did that to people I love i'd like to think i'd never touch a drop again.Whilst all this is going on I’m being portrayed as the bad guy and being told that I never listen and we don't talk. Perhaps she forgets the mad ranting that slags off everything about me and my family without any justification, then wonders why I won't talk to her for days. In the background whilst she only pays a small amount to the houselhold she is left with over 80% of her wages to spend on herself and yet is still tens of thousands in debt. Apparently that’s something I should have dealt with as I’m in finance and should have anticipated this!
FML
Bloody hell Tonker, it just got very dusty in this room.......I mean, wow, your story sounds so sad. Best of luck for a happy outcome.
Meanwhile, can I inject a bit of balance here? Mrs BF and I look forward to a new phase of our married life in the near future as our children leave home. We're lucky enough to be financially secure and will each be able to work part time (we're in our mid 50's). We want to travel (together, ha!), explore some new skills (me? hitting a golf ball consistently will do), see live bands, drink wine, grow things in our garden, maybe even rediscover sex..........
The issue will be whether we look across the table and say "the peas are nice, aren't they dear?" OR whether - to quote an earlier poster - we can learn how to have fun with other again, after two decades of work/kids/Tesco/the ordinary tawdry world.
I think and hope it'll be good. I hope I don't sound smug, not my intention at all. I just wanted to suggest that not all empty nesters end up in misery.
Meanwhile, can I inject a bit of balance here? Mrs BF and I look forward to a new phase of our married life in the near future as our children leave home. We're lucky enough to be financially secure and will each be able to work part time (we're in our mid 50's). We want to travel (together, ha!), explore some new skills (me? hitting a golf ball consistently will do), see live bands, drink wine, grow things in our garden, maybe even rediscover sex..........
The issue will be whether we look across the table and say "the peas are nice, aren't they dear?" OR whether - to quote an earlier poster - we can learn how to have fun with other again, after two decades of work/kids/Tesco/the ordinary tawdry world.
I think and hope it'll be good. I hope I don't sound smug, not my intention at all. I just wanted to suggest that not all empty nesters end up in misery.
Brave Fart said:
We want to travel (together, ha!), explore some new skills (me? hitting a golf ball consistently will do), see live bands, drink wine, grow things in our garden, maybe even rediscover sex..........
The issue will be whether we look across the table and say "the peas are nice, aren't they dear?" OR whether - to quote an earlier poster - we can learn how to have fun with other again, after two decades of work/kids/Tesco/the ordinary tawdry world.
I think and hope it'll be good. I hope I don't sound smug, not my intention at all. I just wanted to suggest that not all empty nesters end up in misery.
If you do most of the things in the first paragraph then you will have plenty to talk about.The issue will be whether we look across the table and say "the peas are nice, aren't they dear?" OR whether - to quote an earlier poster - we can learn how to have fun with other again, after two decades of work/kids/Tesco/the ordinary tawdry world.
I think and hope it'll be good. I hope I don't sound smug, not my intention at all. I just wanted to suggest that not all empty nesters end up in misery.
If you sit indoors then the pea discussion awaits.
Some s
tty tales on here - hope it works out as best as it can for those involved.westberks said:
Tonker
Sounds like you have it a lot worse than me and as you rightly stated it all has to be about the little fella; good luck with getting it sorted out.
I actually question my sanity at times as people thinks she's great as she’s the life and soul, but as soon as the party stops a red mist descends. We then went through a repetitive pattern of me ignoring her for days on end until my mood subsided, but within a few days, weeks, whatever, it would all happen again. She's not an alcoholic, jsut a really stty drunk; if I did that to people I love i'd like to think i'd never touch a drop again.
Whilst all this is going on I’m being portrayed as the bad guy and being told that I never listen and we don't talk. Perhaps she forgets the mad ranting that slags off everything about me and my family without any justification, then wonders why I won't talk to her for days. In the background whilst she only pays a small amount to the houselhold she is left with over 80% of her wages to spend on herself and yet is still tens of thousands in debt. Apparently that’s something I should have dealt with as I’m in finance and should have anticipated this!
FML
found this which helped explain thingsSounds like you have it a lot worse than me and as you rightly stated it all has to be about the little fella; good luck with getting it sorted out.
I actually question my sanity at times as people thinks she's great as she’s the life and soul, but as soon as the party stops a red mist descends. We then went through a repetitive pattern of me ignoring her for days on end until my mood subsided, but within a few days, weeks, whatever, it would all happen again. She's not an alcoholic, jsut a really s
tty drunk; if I did that to people I love i'd like to think i'd never touch a drop again.Whilst all this is going on I’m being portrayed as the bad guy and being told that I never listen and we don't talk. Perhaps she forgets the mad ranting that slags off everything about me and my family without any justification, then wonders why I won't talk to her for days. In the background whilst she only pays a small amount to the houselhold she is left with over 80% of her wages to spend on herself and yet is still tens of thousands in debt. Apparently that’s something I should have dealt with as I’m in finance and should have anticipated this!
FML
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015...
their website is really good, hope it helps
anonymous said:
[redacted]
snap!to some extent i assumed that any historical issues were either family related (s
tty Irish Catholic father, parenting skills of Josef Fritzl standards - not a dig at the Irish RC's but there are some fked up attitudes in certain age ranges & groups) or down to bad luck in previous relationships.I could fix all that. WRONG
we'll grow together and make it work. WRONG
When you come from a stable family background of no drink, abuse, adultery (she had all 3), it doesn't really prepare you for the real world. I blame my parents!
Brave Fart said:
Bloody hell Tonker, it just got very dusty in this room.......I mean, wow, your story sounds so sad. Best of luck for a happy outcome.
Meanwhile, can I inject a bit of balance here? Mrs BF and I look forward to a new phase of our married life in the near future as our children leave home. We're lucky enough to be financially secure and will each be able to work part time (we're in our mid 50's). We want to travel (together, ha!), explore some new skills (me? hitting a golf ball consistently will do), see live bands, drink wine, grow things in our garden, maybe even rediscover sex..........
The issue will be whether we look across the table and say "the peas are nice, aren't they dear?" OR whether - to quote an earlier poster - we can learn how to have fun with other again, after two decades of work/kids/Tesco/the ordinary tawdry world.
I think and hope it'll be good. I hope I don't sound smug, not my intention at all. I just wanted to suggest that not all empty nesters end up in misery.
We've managed it; been together 25 odd years, in our early 40's, had kids very young, eldest is 24, youngest is 17.Meanwhile, can I inject a bit of balance here? Mrs BF and I look forward to a new phase of our married life in the near future as our children leave home. We're lucky enough to be financially secure and will each be able to work part time (we're in our mid 50's). We want to travel (together, ha!), explore some new skills (me? hitting a golf ball consistently will do), see live bands, drink wine, grow things in our garden, maybe even rediscover sex..........
The issue will be whether we look across the table and say "the peas are nice, aren't they dear?" OR whether - to quote an earlier poster - we can learn how to have fun with other again, after two decades of work/kids/Tesco/the ordinary tawdry world.
I think and hope it'll be good. I hope I don't sound smug, not my intention at all. I just wanted to suggest that not all empty nesters end up in misery.
We don't earn loads but financially we are ok, we do lots together, go to gigs and festivals, to the pub, the cinema, dog walks etc, still sit on the same sofa together of an evening, life is great and oddly the wife has mellowed over the years.
westberks said:
When you come from a stable family background of no drink, abuse, adultery (she had all 3), it doesn't really prepare you for the real world. I blame my parents!
That's a massive 'problem', or difference. My Dad moved us far enough away from both sets of grand parents so he could raise us properly, as he saw fit.
Which meant no problems, no dramas, no family issues, no 'beef'; none of it at all.
Just a proper, grounded, disciplined up bringing.
Try finding someone else you're attracted to that has had the same upbringing. Odds must be better winning a million on the Premium Bonds!
So you end up with some woman who thinks that her life should be like a series of Eastenders, and all the s
te that goes with it.Edited by TheLordJohn on Tuesday 9th August 11:53
Tonker - I and many others feel for you, it's tough but focus sing on your boy will help. On the subject of which your wife has deep seated issues and needs psychotherapy which she won't accept. You need to keep your already sensitive son away from her toxic and obsessive behaviours as much as you can as he will naturally see them as normal. I'd say shared custody should be the minimum outcome you ought to be looking for. I realise that could be difficult with your employment but unless you want a lad that will struggle to make sense of what is normal he will have a lifetime of issues.
Doubtful I know but if you could get her to go with you to see The Shipmans (the couple that do some amazing turnarounds in people's behaviour and attitudes. They would get to the root of her issues with ocd weight the mental etc) you might have small chance.
I really wish you well.
Doubtful I know but if you could get her to go with you to see The Shipmans (the couple that do some amazing turnarounds in people's behaviour and attitudes. They would get to the root of her issues with ocd weight the mental etc) you might have small chance.
I really wish you well.
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