Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
PAUL500 said:
The way it was explained to me by a retired solicitor is this:-
The state puts you together via marriage, therefore the state must protect itself financially when breaking you up via divorce.
Children are the biggest potential cost to the state as a result of divorce, so the judges job as an employee of the state is to protect the state by diverting as much of the available funds as possible for the care of the children.
The safest way to do this is to allocate the children to the mother and hence why she gets the lions share of the assets.
The state has little interest in the father, as he will have no choice but to graft on afterwards, so not becoming a burden financially to the state unlike the children and the mother.
However in my case, soon after the funds were divided, my ex reneged on a very clear, written and signed statement she presented to the court in the final hearing that she would never place my adopted children into care, and proceeded to do exactly that, fully against my will, and she was allowed to keep the money she was allocated to home my daughter anyway, and the state is now paying a small fortune to look after her instead.
Good god that last paragraph is truly horrendous . The state puts you together via marriage, therefore the state must protect itself financially when breaking you up via divorce.
Children are the biggest potential cost to the state as a result of divorce, so the judges job as an employee of the state is to protect the state by diverting as much of the available funds as possible for the care of the children.
The safest way to do this is to allocate the children to the mother and hence why she gets the lions share of the assets.
The state has little interest in the father, as he will have no choice but to graft on afterwards, so not becoming a burden financially to the state unlike the children and the mother.
However in my case, soon after the funds were divided, my ex reneged on a very clear, written and signed statement she presented to the court in the final hearing that she would never place my adopted children into care, and proceeded to do exactly that, fully against my will, and she was allowed to keep the money she was allocated to home my daughter anyway, and the state is now paying a small fortune to look after her instead.
Edited by PAUL500 on Wednesday 14th February 14:19
Did she have some crazed drug problem or something that made her want to offload the kids?
How is it all now?
One of my wife's friends was kicked out of her home (along with her 3 kids) on a cold wet night last January by her husband, after about 20 years of marriage (during which she gave up a career in medecine and spent raising the kids and looking after his infirm parents).
Shortly after he kicked her out he was updating his FB status with pics of him and his new girlfriend. After a long time fighting for her share of the assets (difficult as it looks as if he had spent a long time planning this) she's finally got a 7 figure payout.
The only reason i mention this is that, for every SWT, there's a SWB.
Shortly after he kicked her out he was updating his FB status with pics of him and his new girlfriend. After a long time fighting for her share of the assets (difficult as it looks as if he had spent a long time planning this) she's finally got a 7 figure payout.
The only reason i mention this is that, for every SWT, there's a SWB.
Countdown said:
One of my wife's friends was kicked out of her home (along with her 3 kids) on a cold wet night last January by her husband, after about 20 years of marriage (during which she gave up a career in medecine and spent raising the kids and looking after his infirm parents).
Shortly after he kicked her out he was updating his FB status with pics of him and his new girlfriend. After a long time fighting for her share of the assets (difficult as it looks as if he had spent a long time planning this) she's finally got a 7 figure payout.
The only reason i mention this is that, for every SWT, there's a SWB.
What a complete nasty coooooooont!Shortly after he kicked her out he was updating his FB status with pics of him and his new girlfriend. After a long time fighting for her share of the assets (difficult as it looks as if he had spent a long time planning this) she's finally got a 7 figure payout.
The only reason i mention this is that, for every SWT, there's a SWB.
hyphen said:
What happens if your income drops after the divorce is done, do you have to apply to courts to adjust payments, or just pay your ex less and let her attempt an appeal and waste her money.
- this is how I understand it*
Obviously you'll still have to pay CSA/agreed amount for your kids that depends on how much you earn, how often you see them, number of kids etc.
desolate said:
You situation sounds terrible and your ex pure witch, but that really is a load of b
ks.
It really depends on the intentions of the ex spouse.ks.I came out of mine with 40% of the custody and over 50% of the assets (equity from selling the house and pension split)
She was so desperate to move into a new house in a new area with her boyfriend that she agreed to all this.
Because she's an idiot, she was fixated with her split from the house sale ,she didn't consider the pensions.
I would probably got much less if it had gone to court.
My experience, the men that fare the worst are high earners whose wives are stay at home mums.
In many cases they lose the house and large parts of their earnings in order to keep the ex in the lifestyle she is accustomed to.
FocusRS3 said:
Good god that last paragraph is truly horrendous .
Did she have some crazed drug problem or something that made her want to offload the kids?
How is it all now?
In the lead up to the final hearing my ex, who was a deputy head in a high school took voluntary redundancy, then stated she had done so to be at home with the children (which was bullsDid she have some crazed drug problem or something that made her want to offload the kids?
How is it all now?
t, as they were both in school all day anyway, it was the £70k package she really wanted and thought she would just fall into another similar role once the divorce was over), and as a result she then claimed in court she could no longer get a mortgage to house the girls, it was all tactics by her solicitor to get a greater chunk/potentially all of the house. We only had a small mortgage and there was tons of equity there, enough for us both to have a decent semi with no mortgage.Both my adopted daughters were developing special needs by then and it was clear my ex and the eldest were not getting on at all, even social services confirmed to me that in time they could see her going back into care. I made the judge aware of this, hence why the ex submitted the signed statement refuting such.
She was awarded 72% of everything, mainly on the basis of needing to buy a big house for cash to home my adopted daughters.
It took me a further year to finish building the house they were living in, so I could finally sell it and get my 28% and as soon as it went on the market, social services informed me the ex had asked for my eldest to go into care. I fought it and said I would look after her instead, I went back to court to have the % changed so I could have enough to home her, but a few weeks before the hearing, social services contacted me to say my ex had now changed her mind and wanted to keep my daughter (now there's a surprise!) and they backed right off me having her as a result.
We went onto court, same judge, he turned to me and despite the signed statement from my ex said to me directly "she can change her mind if she wants"! and as a year had passed since the judgment it was too late anyway to change the order.
3 weeks later, social services contacted me again, the ex was pushing them to take my daughter once more, they said I did not have enough to home her and they started care proceedings straight away, from then on I was along for the ride.
The court ended up putting care order on both girls, the eldest lives in a full time residential school now, and the younger one will probably go the same way soon.
My lovely ex wife can then go skipping off into the sunset with all the ill gotten gains.
Karma will kick in soon enough though, I am sure of that.
Me, I am getting on with life, but even reading back some of this, it has clearly damaged me. I am not the person I was.
We only adopted as we found out the ex could not have kids, I was not really to bothered, but supported fully her desire to be a mother, the biggest mistake I ever made, as she was clearly not cut out to be one.
Edited by PAUL500 on Wednesday 14th February 21:31
Yes we have telephone and direct access, the eldest has really gone downhill now though so its no longer safe for me to take her out anymore on her own, the younger one is showing similar traits but we still do things together at the moment, all to do with attachment disorder in their very early years when still in care.
MYOB said:
Sorry to hear of your situation Paul. My situation is pretty dire too (but still ongoing) but yours is pretty bad and once again, it's the children that are suffering despite your best wishes.
Keep in there...somehow.
We all need to sound off sometimes and I think this is probably the best thread to do it on for people in our situations.Keep in there...somehow.
Its not how each and every split ends up, ours are at the extreme end, but it does display the unfairness in the system if you get embroiled in it.
My advice to any man at the start of a marriage break up is do everything possible to keep it out of the courts, even swallowing your pride at times and taking a hit in any negotiations however unbalanced they may be, because if you are a bloke then the courts will not come up with a more balanced option anyway, you will end up with a huge legal bill and 18 months plus of sheer hell.
However it takes two to tango and if the other side is hell bent on getting one over on you and start the court process, there is nothing much you can then do to halt it.
During subsequent proceedings, the words "rancour and resentment" were used by a specialist in the case to describe the motivations of my ex, they were spot on with that observation.
desolate said:
hyphen said:
What happens if your income drops after the divorce is done, do you have to apply to courts to adjust payments, or just pay your ex less and let her attempt an appeal and waste her money.
That's a much better way of putting the question I asked.If we are talking spousal maintenance then you are entitled to apply to court for the order to be reassessed at any time. The amount that you should be paying will be re-examined, taking into account all the circumstances at the point that the court is looking at the case. Your respective personal and financial circumstances at the time of the re-examination will be a key factor in the court’s decision.
The amount that you will be ordered to pay will be based on the financial needs of your former spouse. The court will decide how much your former spouse needs to live on, and then decide how much of that sum can they meet themselves, through earnings, or other assets.
Amateurish said:
If we are talking child maintenance, then this is calculated as a percentage of take home pay. You can therefore reduce your payments if your income drops.
If we are talking spousal maintenance then you are entitled to apply to court for the order to be reassessed at any time. The amount that you should be paying will be re-examined, taking into account all the circumstances at the point that the court is looking at the case. Your respective personal and financial circumstances at the time of the re-examination will be a key factor in the court’s decision.
The amount that you will be ordered to pay will be based on the financial needs of your former spouse. The court will decide how much your former spouse needs to live on, and then decide how much of that sum can they meet themselves, through earnings, or other assets.
Its not a helpful comment but what a stressful mess all this is and no doubt takes its toll.If we are talking spousal maintenance then you are entitled to apply to court for the order to be reassessed at any time. The amount that you should be paying will be re-examined, taking into account all the circumstances at the point that the court is looking at the case. Your respective personal and financial circumstances at the time of the re-examination will be a key factor in the court’s decision.
The amount that you will be ordered to pay will be based on the financial needs of your former spouse. The court will decide how much your former spouse needs to live on, and then decide how much of that sum can they meet themselves, through earnings, or other assets.
I think anyone single reading this thread would seriously think twice about getting married
FocusRS3 said:
Its not a helpful comment but what a stressful mess all this is and no doubt takes its toll.
I think anyone single reading this thread would seriously think twice about getting married
All these problems can still happen whether people are married or not. Unfortunately threads like this are all focusing on the negatives that can happen with having children caught up in divorces. I think anyone single reading this thread would seriously think twice about getting married
I imagine if there was a thread about the joys of marriage and kids, there would be an equal amount of people with stories of successes. In fact, I'm sure there are even stories of successes regarding kids and divorces. I bloody well hope so otherwise there's no hope at all.
Edited by MYOB on Thursday 15th February 11:09
MYOB said:
All these problems can still happen whether people are married or not. Unfortunately threads like this are all focusing on the negatives that can happen with having children caught up in divorces.
I imagine if there was a thread about the joys of marriage and kids, there would be an equal amount of people with stories of successes. In fact, I'm sure there are even stories of successes regarding kids and divorces. I bloody well hope so otherwise there's no hope at all.
I'd guess that any thread about the joys of marriage and kids would, nowadays, have far fewer contributors than, say, 10+ years ago. There's just so little point in any guy now getting married.I imagine if there was a thread about the joys of marriage and kids, there would be an equal amount of people with stories of successes. In fact, I'm sure there are even stories of successes regarding kids and divorces. I bloody well hope so otherwise there's no hope at all.
Edited by MYOB on Thursday 15th February 11:09
Awful thread I've been shafted too but I won't go into it as I'd only sound bitter. You do get to the other side though, my daughter is 16 so I'm getting close to cutting ties with the crazy one thank goodness.
As an aside a good female friend of mine who is pretty wealthy is being shafted by her broke ex so it definitely does work both ways (if anything he's crazier than my ex and that's saying something..)
As an aside a good female friend of mine who is pretty wealthy is being shafted by her broke ex so it definitely does work both ways (if anything he's crazier than my ex and that's saying something..)
PAUL500 said:
In the lead up to the final hearing my ex, who was a deputy head in a high school took voluntary redundancy, then stated she had done so to be at home with the children (which was bullst, as they were both in school all day anyway, it was the £70k package she really wanted and thought she would just fall into another similar role once the divorce was over), and as a result she then claimed in court she could no longer get a mortgage to house the girls, it was all tactics by her solicitor to get a greater chunk/potentially all of the house. We only had a small mortgage and there was tons of equity there, enough for us both to have a decent semi with no mortgage.
Both my adopted daughters were developing special needs by then and it was clear my ex and the eldest were not getting on at all, even social services confirmed to me that in time they could see her going back into care. I made the judge aware of this, hence why the ex submitted the signed statement refuting such.
She was awarded 72% of everything, mainly on the basis of needing to buy a big house for cash to home my adopted daughters.
It took me a further year to finish building the house they were living in, so I could finally sell it and get my 28% and as soon as it went on the market, social services informed me the ex had asked for my eldest to go into care. I fought it and said I would look after her instead, I went back to court to have the % changed so I could have enough to home her, but a few weeks before the hearing, social services contacted me to say my ex had now changed her mind and wanted to keep my daughter (now there's a surprise!) and they backed right off me having her as a result.
We went onto court, same judge, he turned to me and despite the signed statement from my ex said to me directly "she can change her mind if she wants"! and as a year had passed since the judgment it was too late anyway to change the order.
3 weeks later, social services contacted me again, the ex was pushing them to take my daughter once more, they said I did not have enough to home her and they started care proceedings straight away, from then on I was along for the ride.
The court ended up putting care order on both girls, the eldest lives in a full time residential school now, and the younger one will probably go the same way soon.
My lovely ex wife can then go skipping off into the sunset with all the ill gotten gains.
Karma will kick in soon enough though, I am sure of that.
Me, I am getting on with life, but even reading back some of this, it has clearly damaged me. I am not the person I was.
We only adopted as we found out the ex could not have kids, I was not really to bothered, but supported fully her desire to be a mother, the biggest mistake I ever made, as she was clearly not cut out to be one.
Jesus!t, as they were both in school all day anyway, it was the £70k package she really wanted and thought she would just fall into another similar role once the divorce was over), and as a result she then claimed in court she could no longer get a mortgage to house the girls, it was all tactics by her solicitor to get a greater chunk/potentially all of the house. We only had a small mortgage and there was tons of equity there, enough for us both to have a decent semi with no mortgage.Both my adopted daughters were developing special needs by then and it was clear my ex and the eldest were not getting on at all, even social services confirmed to me that in time they could see her going back into care. I made the judge aware of this, hence why the ex submitted the signed statement refuting such.
She was awarded 72% of everything, mainly on the basis of needing to buy a big house for cash to home my adopted daughters.
It took me a further year to finish building the house they were living in, so I could finally sell it and get my 28% and as soon as it went on the market, social services informed me the ex had asked for my eldest to go into care. I fought it and said I would look after her instead, I went back to court to have the % changed so I could have enough to home her, but a few weeks before the hearing, social services contacted me to say my ex had now changed her mind and wanted to keep my daughter (now there's a surprise!) and they backed right off me having her as a result.
We went onto court, same judge, he turned to me and despite the signed statement from my ex said to me directly "she can change her mind if she wants"! and as a year had passed since the judgment it was too late anyway to change the order.
3 weeks later, social services contacted me again, the ex was pushing them to take my daughter once more, they said I did not have enough to home her and they started care proceedings straight away, from then on I was along for the ride.
The court ended up putting care order on both girls, the eldest lives in a full time residential school now, and the younger one will probably go the same way soon.
My lovely ex wife can then go skipping off into the sunset with all the ill gotten gains.
Karma will kick in soon enough though, I am sure of that.
Me, I am getting on with life, but even reading back some of this, it has clearly damaged me. I am not the person I was.
We only adopted as we found out the ex could not have kids, I was not really to bothered, but supported fully her desire to be a mother, the biggest mistake I ever made, as she was clearly not cut out to be one.
Edited by PAUL500 on Wednesday 14th February 21:31
I think I would just have her offed. f
k it.FocusRS3 said:
Amateurish said:
If we are talking child maintenance, then this is calculated as a percentage of take home pay. You can therefore reduce your payments if your income drops.
If we are talking spousal maintenance then you are entitled to apply to court for the order to be reassessed at any time. The amount that you should be paying will be re-examined, taking into account all the circumstances at the point that the court is looking at the case. Your respective personal and financial circumstances at the time of the re-examination will be a key factor in the court’s decision.
The amount that you will be ordered to pay will be based on the financial needs of your former spouse. The court will decide how much your former spouse needs to live on, and then decide how much of that sum can they meet themselves, through earnings, or other assets.
Its not a helpful comment but what a stressful mess all this is and no doubt takes its toll.If we are talking spousal maintenance then you are entitled to apply to court for the order to be reassessed at any time. The amount that you should be paying will be re-examined, taking into account all the circumstances at the point that the court is looking at the case. Your respective personal and financial circumstances at the time of the re-examination will be a key factor in the court’s decision.
The amount that you will be ordered to pay will be based on the financial needs of your former spouse. The court will decide how much your former spouse needs to live on, and then decide how much of that sum can they meet themselves, through earnings, or other assets.
I think anyone single reading this thread would seriously think twice about getting married
MYOB said:
All these problems can still happen whether people are married or not. Unfortunately threads like this are all focusing on the negatives that can happen with having children caught up in divorces.
I imagine if there was a thread about the joys of marriage and kids, there would be an equal amount of people with stories of successes. In fact, I'm sure there are even stories of successes regarding kids and divorces. I bloody well hope so otherwise there's no hope at all.
No they can't. Child maintenance, yes. But spousal maintenance relies entirely on being married. Avoid that and you side step it completely. I imagine if there was a thread about the joys of marriage and kids, there would be an equal amount of people with stories of successes. In fact, I'm sure there are even stories of successes regarding kids and divorces. I bloody well hope so otherwise there's no hope at all.
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