Marriage is Over....
Discussion
Your story sounds a bit like mine, and a couple of friends, who all went through the process of divorce at the same time about five years ago. I had gone through two years of simply unexplainably bad behaviour on the part of my wife, much of it seemingly depression-related. I finally had to call it quits--after 25 years together--and, because we were both attorneys, managed to get through the process about as quickly and painlessly as it could be done. At the same time, friend no. 1 was watching his wife of 16 years implode, also depressed, and demand a divorce, more or less leaving him with two kids. Friend no. 2's wife didn't love him any longer as well (but was carrying the baby of her new fella), and left him with their little boy and a house they took a long time too sort and divide. All three women had recently experienced the loss of a parent, just to add to the depression scenario. Two years later, a third friend went through the same story, almost to the letter.
What may be different from your story is that, in all three cases, the situations had progressed to the point that the husbands threw in the towel; it was just clear that there was no value in hanging around and trying to make it work and we accepted that the marriages were over. We each felt as though we had done all we could, and I still have no problems in looking in the mirror and saying that I did the best by my marriage vows. But the women who 'didn't love us anymore' each were back in a very short time. After my divorce, I listened to 18 months of emails and chats rom my ex about how she had 'made a mistake' and how much she missed me, wondered if I would get back together with her. My friends listened to the same. It really seemed that in the final stretch, when the guys were resigned to divorce, it was the END of the process. We had nothing else to do but get a divorce and move on with life. But in each of those four cases, the women found the divorce to be the BEGINNING of a process of separation, and after the divorce was final spent a lot of time doing the thinking that should have come before the end. It was like they were buying a new dress to make themselves feel better, got home and looked in the mirror, looked fat, and THEN found out that there was a no refund policy.
Along with some of the others here, I can say that my life improved dramatically after my divorce, the last five years being better than any of the twenty five that preceded it. So there's that hope for you. But in my case, and those of my friends at least, I learned that just because they say it's over doesn't mean that they believe it is, or that they'll let it be. The important thing for me was that I knew it was over for me, and that made the aftermath much easier.
All that being said, I also have three sets of friends who have gotten divorced and then remarried the same partner a couple of years later. There is no rule for this sort of stuff except being true to yourself and protect your kids as best you can.
Good luck. I, and many others on here, share your pain.
What may be different from your story is that, in all three cases, the situations had progressed to the point that the husbands threw in the towel; it was just clear that there was no value in hanging around and trying to make it work and we accepted that the marriages were over. We each felt as though we had done all we could, and I still have no problems in looking in the mirror and saying that I did the best by my marriage vows. But the women who 'didn't love us anymore' each were back in a very short time. After my divorce, I listened to 18 months of emails and chats rom my ex about how she had 'made a mistake' and how much she missed me, wondered if I would get back together with her. My friends listened to the same. It really seemed that in the final stretch, when the guys were resigned to divorce, it was the END of the process. We had nothing else to do but get a divorce and move on with life. But in each of those four cases, the women found the divorce to be the BEGINNING of a process of separation, and after the divorce was final spent a lot of time doing the thinking that should have come before the end. It was like they were buying a new dress to make themselves feel better, got home and looked in the mirror, looked fat, and THEN found out that there was a no refund policy.
Along with some of the others here, I can say that my life improved dramatically after my divorce, the last five years being better than any of the twenty five that preceded it. So there's that hope for you. But in my case, and those of my friends at least, I learned that just because they say it's over doesn't mean that they believe it is, or that they'll let it be. The important thing for me was that I knew it was over for me, and that made the aftermath much easier.
All that being said, I also have three sets of friends who have gotten divorced and then remarried the same partner a couple of years later. There is no rule for this sort of stuff except being true to yourself and protect your kids as best you can.
Good luck. I, and many others on here, share your pain.
Feel bad for you OP, Breakups are s
t.
All the hand wringing and condolences from friends and family arent going to help. Sorry to say it, here's a couple of cold hard truths.
She doesnt love you any more, dont confuse the feelings you still have for her with her having compassion for you and not wanting to "rip you off".
When it comes down to it, she'll fk you over sharpish.
Start hiding any assets you have now.
If you're very unlucky she may even wheel out the emotional weapon of mass destruction "you cant see the kids".
Also, she's probably been sleeping with someone else.
chin up... get to the pub, get to the gym, get to the match.com thread, probably in that order.
t.All the hand wringing and condolences from friends and family arent going to help. Sorry to say it, here's a couple of cold hard truths.
ShyTallKnight said:
I'm not looking to rip her off nor her me
Unless she is independently wealthy and the main breadwinner in your household, when the cold hard reality of financially supporting herself and maintaining the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed (as you say, she wants for nothing) she WILL be looking to take you to the cleaners.She doesnt love you any more, dont confuse the feelings you still have for her with her having compassion for you and not wanting to "rip you off".
When it comes down to it, she'll f
k you over sharpish. Start hiding any assets you have now.
If you're very unlucky she may even wheel out the emotional weapon of mass destruction "you cant see the kids".
Also, she's probably been sleeping with someone else.
chin up... get to the pub, get to the gym, get to the match.com thread, probably in that order.
Mobile Chicane said:
Call me cynical, but I read 'she's adamant this is it', as 'she's fking someone else'.
Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Exactly how I read it too.king someone else'. Probably has been for a while, but wasn't sure of where she stood with the other.
Mobile Chicane said:
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
I like that, in fact I think I will steal it!ILoveMondeo said:
Unless she is independently wealthy and the main breadwinner in your household, when the cold hard reality of financially supporting herself and maintaining the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed (as you say, she wants for nothing) she WILL be looking to take you to the cleaners.
This has the ring of truth about it.
Guys, firstly many thanks for all the replies cynical or not 
Re: the comments about infidelity. I have known this woman for about 25 years and we've been together along time. Before I even broached the subject of someone else being involved I knew the answer was No. She looked me in the eye and told me this was about her feelings towards me and there isn't some other bloke involved that's re-lit her fire. I believe her.
The actual D word has not been mentioned just that she feels she would be happier living separately. In her plan she wants to move out of the family home and live elsewhere. She is not a gold digger (never been a spender) and I'd like to think we can both work things out without going all-out 'legal'
Kids - these 2 most precious people must remain our priority. A view that is absolutely supported by my wife. I would never use them as a bargaining tool or otherwise try and turn them against their Mother. I believe she will do the same.
Depression - it's difficult to put this into words but 2 years ago she was in a very dark place. She would literally run away from things, was very weepy, didn't want to interact with others and was signed off work for 3 months. She wasn't really well at all and although the words she uttered cut deep and I could've instigated things to protect myself she needed my help and support. Which she received.
Other points to consider - she says she doesn't love me and can't have a physical relationship with me yet in the last few months we have spent some real Q.time together with weekends away, a couple of big nights out which have been great
. My confusion is that if her feelings are so strong then why would she put in the effort..??
Next move - I'm not going to go anywhere. I might bugger off to the cotswolds next weekend to stay with parents to give her some space, maybe I'll take the kids but I think the ball is firmly in her court. I would like her to see the Drs just to rule out the depression side of things and I would also like us to get some counselling. My worry is that she is very very against going to Relate (she didn't like the woman last time) plus she was dead against us going together but I want the counsellor to get a balanced view. I think she owes it to the kids if not me to at least try and exhaust all avenues to try and make it work as in my mind separation and divorce must be the LAST option.
Can I just say thanks again for peoples views and opinions especially those who have been in the same boat. I think it helps just being able to put things in writing. BTW the SWT comments are ok, this is PH after all and I could do with a bit of a laugh right now
Re: the comments about infidelity. I have known this woman for about 25 years and we've been together along time. Before I even broached the subject of someone else being involved I knew the answer was No. She looked me in the eye and told me this was about her feelings towards me and there isn't some other bloke involved that's re-lit her fire. I believe her.
The actual D word has not been mentioned just that she feels she would be happier living separately. In her plan she wants to move out of the family home and live elsewhere. She is not a gold digger (never been a spender) and I'd like to think we can both work things out without going all-out 'legal'
Kids - these 2 most precious people must remain our priority. A view that is absolutely supported by my wife. I would never use them as a bargaining tool or otherwise try and turn them against their Mother. I believe she will do the same.
Depression - it's difficult to put this into words but 2 years ago she was in a very dark place. She would literally run away from things, was very weepy, didn't want to interact with others and was signed off work for 3 months. She wasn't really well at all and although the words she uttered cut deep and I could've instigated things to protect myself she needed my help and support. Which she received.
Other points to consider - she says she doesn't love me and can't have a physical relationship with me yet in the last few months we have spent some real Q.time together with weekends away, a couple of big nights out which have been great
. My confusion is that if her feelings are so strong then why would she put in the effort..??Next move - I'm not going to go anywhere. I might bugger off to the cotswolds next weekend to stay with parents to give her some space, maybe I'll take the kids but I think the ball is firmly in her court. I would like her to see the Drs just to rule out the depression side of things and I would also like us to get some counselling. My worry is that she is very very against going to Relate (she didn't like the woman last time) plus she was dead against us going together but I want the counsellor to get a balanced view. I think she owes it to the kids if not me to at least try and exhaust all avenues to try and make it work as in my mind separation and divorce must be the LAST option.
Can I just say thanks again for peoples views and opinions especially those who have been in the same boat. I think it helps just being able to put things in writing. BTW the SWT comments are ok, this is PH after all and I could do with a bit of a laugh right now
My divorce went as well as can be expected because we both had good incomes (so no financial reliance either way) and I did it all myself, it's easy to do via an online divorce service, which justs puts the financial and kids stuff into legal-speak and the right format.
Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka st-stirrers
Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka s
t-stirrersEdited by Adam B on Saturday 12th May 10:26
Remember that just coz she is mum doesn't mean she automatically has the kids. Without a court order the kids are as much your responsibility as your wifes. Would you be prepared to take care of the kids so she can get the help she needs regarding her depression?
Furthermore with kids, if you should split and give her funding for the kids, then document it. For as sure as eggs is eggs, once the CSA get involved then a lot of mums somehow "forget" all the payments you've made in cash, and as you can't prove you've paid then according to CSA you haven't paid anything, and will have to pay it all over again.
If it does come down to issues of money, then her sol will advise that if she can stop them staying overnight with dad then she can get more via the CSA. (I speak of this last one through personal current experience.....)
Sorry to hear life not good for you OP, but please........always put your kids first
Furthermore with kids, if you should split and give her funding for the kids, then document it. For as sure as eggs is eggs, once the CSA get involved then a lot of mums somehow "forget" all the payments you've made in cash, and as you can't prove you've paid then according to CSA you haven't paid anything, and will have to pay it all over again.
If it does come down to issues of money, then her sol will advise that if she can stop them staying overnight with dad then she can get more via the CSA. (I speak of this last one through personal current experience.....)
Sorry to hear life not good for you OP, but please........always put your kids first
Amused2death said:
Remember that just coz she is mum doesn't mean she automatically has the kids.
This is earth by the way not the planet zorg. in 90%+ of cases mum gets the kids. The legal system is designed to protect the child but lets face it its not fair in the slightest, totally female bias.
Your right on the CSA though!
ShyTallKnight said:
Guys, firstly many thanks for all the replies cynical or not
Re: the comments about infidelity. I have known this woman for about 25 years and we've been together along time. Before I even broached the subject of someone else being involved I knew the answer was No. She looked me in the eye and told me this was about her feelings towards me and there isn't some other bloke involved that's re-lit her fire. I believe her.
Re: the comments about infidelity. I have known this woman for about 25 years and we've been together along time. Before I even broached the subject of someone else being involved I knew the answer was No. She looked me in the eye and told me this was about her feelings towards me and there isn't some other bloke involved that's re-lit her fire. I believe her.
Believe nothing. She's not going to provide you with ammo for the inevitable divorce is she?
ShyTallKnight said:
The actual D word has not been mentioned just that she feels she would be happier living separately. In her plan she wants to move out of the family home and live elsewhere. She is not a gold digger (never been a spender) and I'd like to think we can both work things out without going all-out 'legal'
Can she afford to buy / rent new home without bumming you in the wallet? What if she can't, I doubt it will be all happy happy then. What if she meets someone else (if she hasn't already) and he starts encouraging her to screw you over?ShyTallKnight said:
Kids - these 2 most precious people must remain our priority. A view that is absolutely supported by my wife. I would never use them as a bargaining tool or otherwise try and turn them against their Mother. I believe she will do the same.
Agree, don't bring the kids into it.ShyTallKnight said:
Depression - it's difficult to put this into words but 2 years ago she was in a very dark place. She would literally run away from things, was very weepy, didn't want to interact with others and was signed off work for 3 months. She wasn't really well at all and although the words she uttered cut deep and I could've instigated things to protect myself she needed my help and support. Which she received.
Sounds bad but you can no longer offer this support, otherwise you are maintaining the relationship. ShyTallKnight said:
Other points to consider - she says she doesn't love me and can't have a physical relationship with me yet in the last few months we have spent some real Q.time together with weekends away, a couple of big nights out which have been great . My confusion is that if her feelings are so strong then why would she put in the effort..??
Biding her time and keeping you on her side until she gets lawyered up? . My confusion is that if her feelings are so strong then why would she put in the effort..?? ShyTallKnight said:
Next move - I'm not going to go anywhere. I might bugger off to the cotswolds next weekend to stay with parents to give her some space, maybe I'll take the kids but I think the ball is firmly in her court. I would like her to see the Drs just to rule out the depression side of things and I would also like us to get some counselling. My worry is that she is very very against going to Relate (she didn't like the woman last time) plus she was dead against us going together but I want the counsellor to get a balanced view. I think she owes it to the kids if not me to at least try and exhaust all avenues to try and make it work as in my mind separation and divorce must be the LAST option.
Forget counselling, she doesn't want you, but you want her, this is going to end badly. I hope you don't come home to find the locks changed or shes moved her new man in? With the kids in mind it will be you that is moving out. She will have more hold on the family home.ShyTallKnight said:
Can I just say thanks again for peoples views and opinions especially those who have been in the same boat. I think it helps just being able to put things in writing. BTW the SWT comments are ok, this is PH after all and I could do with a bit of a laugh right now
SWT indeed. Look after number one.stargazer30 said:
Amused2death said:
Remember that just coz she is mum doesn't mean she automatically has the kids.
This is earth by the way not the planet zorg. in 90%+ of cases mum gets the kids. The legal system is designed to protect the child but lets face it its not fair in the slightest, totally female bias.
Your right on the CSA though!
I'm talking specifically at this moment in time. No court order equals either parent can have the kids......I could have taken my daughter with me when I split from her mum. Nothing in law to stop me. However once a court order is in force.......well, whole new ball game where mummy hides behind the law rather than putting the child first.
Adam B said:
My divorce went as well as can be expected because we both had good incomes (so no financial reliance either way) and I did it all myself, it's way to do via an online divorce service, which justs puts the financial and kids stuff into legal-speak and the right format.
Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka st-stirrers
Word of caution here,great if it can be done this way but I would want a clean break agreement to stop her coming back for more in the future.Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka s
t-stirrersILoveMondeo said:
Mobile Chicane said:
Wimmins are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they've caught hold of the next.
I like that, in fact I think I will steal it!It demonstrates a total lack of knowledge of women and monkeys, in one sentence. I'd only steal it if I wanted to appear completey thick.
Just re-reading a number of posts and think it's worth mentioning the financial side of things.
Fortunately, we have a relatively small mortgage on our current property but as she earns c.20% of my earnings she IS going to need help financially. I am glad to offer financial support to ensure my kids are staying in a decent house in a decent area and don't go without. Maybe it is naive of me but from discussions thus far and knowing her as I do I really don't think she is looking to take me for all she can get and does acknowledge that there will need to be sacrifices on both sides.
I need to remain whiter than white in all this and I'm very conscious of that but if the inevitable happens I do think we can sort things amicably.
Obviously my hope is that things can be resolved but tbh the emotional turmoil she has put me through and is putting me through means that should she walk out the door it is going to be very difficult for me to just accept her back. A lot of damage has already been done. If it happens, it happens and it's her choice. I am trying to remain positive and not let myself get dragged into a spiral of depression.
Fortunately, we have a relatively small mortgage on our current property but as she earns c.20% of my earnings she IS going to need help financially. I am glad to offer financial support to ensure my kids are staying in a decent house in a decent area and don't go without. Maybe it is naive of me but from discussions thus far and knowing her as I do I really don't think she is looking to take me for all she can get and does acknowledge that there will need to be sacrifices on both sides.
I need to remain whiter than white in all this and I'm very conscious of that but if the inevitable happens I do think we can sort things amicably.
Obviously my hope is that things can be resolved but tbh the emotional turmoil she has put me through and is putting me through means that should she walk out the door it is going to be very difficult for me to just accept her back. A lot of damage has already been done. If it happens, it happens and it's her choice. I am trying to remain positive and not let myself get dragged into a spiral of depression.
dafeller said:
All three women had recently experienced the loss of a parent
Thanks for sharing dafeller... There are synergies here with my wife. She lost her Father whom she was very close to a couple of years before the depression spirraled out of control. She took the loss very very badly and I am certain has still not got over it.Monkeylegend said:
Adam B said:
My divorce went as well as can be expected because we both had good incomes (so no financial reliance either way) and I did it all myself, it's way to do via an online divorce service, which justs puts the financial and kids stuff into legal-speak and the right format.
Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka st-stirrers
Word of caution here,great if it can be done this way but I would want a clean break agreement to stop her coming back for more in the future.Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka s
t-stirrersAdam B said:
Monkeylegend said:
Adam B said:
My divorce went as well as can be expected because we both had good incomes (so no financial reliance either way) and I did it all myself, it's way to do via an online divorce service, which justs puts the financial and kids stuff into legal-speak and the right format.
Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka st-stirrers
Word of caution here,great if it can be done this way but I would want a clean break agreement to stop her coming back for more in the future.Whole thing cost about £600 including court fees
If you can avoid it DO NOT INVOLVE SOLICITORS aka s
t-stirrersOP you're going to have to give your head a shake man. She has told you this before and now she's telling you again. Do you really want to go through it a third time. It's like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.
Beeing with someone who doesnt want to be with you is not pleasant.
GET THE fk OUT OF IT.
Beeing with someone who doesnt want to be with you is not pleasant.
GET THE f
k OUT OF IT.Am not going to get sucked into the whole SWT debate etc. but just wanted to add my 2p.
18 months ago my wife left after only 15 months of marriage. She left with a bloke from work that she had known for 4 months who walked out on a wife and 2 kids.
I was devastated and distraught, financially destitute (still am really, I have clung onto the house, but I worked with them both so ended up leaving the job too)
I have spoken to her twice since, leaving everything to my solicitors.
Regarding the accusations of another's involvement - it's possible but not always the case. The first part of moving on is accepting that it is over, and that you will probably never know the full story.
Limit contact to discussions about the kids and keep your cool.
What I really wanted to say was just take care. Let her deal with her issues and you look out for yourself and your kids. It takes time but it does get better.
18 months down the line I am with someone else (although in a very relaxed way, living separately etc.) who is 10 times the woman my wife will ever be. The ex was awful with my daughter at times, something I never addressed for the sake of any easy life and a mistake I will never make again. My current OH is a nursery school teacher with her own 8 year old and is a fantastic woman in every sense of the word.
In a nutshell, just allow for it to take time to sort yourself out, and never forget that it is not the end of the story, just the end of a chapter. You decide what happens next in the book
Always welcome to PM me if you need to spout or just need a chat
18 months ago my wife left after only 15 months of marriage. She left with a bloke from work that she had known for 4 months who walked out on a wife and 2 kids.
I was devastated and distraught, financially destitute (still am really, I have clung onto the house, but I worked with them both so ended up leaving the job too)
I have spoken to her twice since, leaving everything to my solicitors.
Regarding the accusations of another's involvement - it's possible but not always the case. The first part of moving on is accepting that it is over, and that you will probably never know the full story.
Limit contact to discussions about the kids and keep your cool.
What I really wanted to say was just take care. Let her deal with her issues and you look out for yourself and your kids. It takes time but it does get better.
18 months down the line I am with someone else (although in a very relaxed way, living separately etc.) who is 10 times the woman my wife will ever be. The ex was awful with my daughter at times, something I never addressed for the sake of any easy life and a mistake I will never make again. My current OH is a nursery school teacher with her own 8 year old and is a fantastic woman in every sense of the word.
In a nutshell, just allow for it to take time to sort yourself out, and never forget that it is not the end of the story, just the end of a chapter. You decide what happens next in the book
Always welcome to PM me if you need to spout or just need a chat
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