14yr old- flash point over him living on his PlayStation

[MrBarry123]

Right, then 100% I’d be enforcing the 2-hour limit until he can show he can be trusted to behave decently.

[andrebar]

r3g said:

SpydieNut said:

If my 14 year old told me to go away and shut up he’d not see the device for a very long time.

This ^. But also, what do you (as the parent) want him to do for the other 22 hours in the day? Assuming he's completed his share of the household chores and is up to date with his school work then personally it wouldn't bother me that he's (presumably) being quiet and out of the way playing online games with his mates which he clearly enjoys. This is just normal teenager stuff. Forcing him to eg. sit in the main room and watch Corrie with you because you want him to be more sociable is not going to end well for you as you'll cause a lot of anger and resentment.

Good advice. When my kids were that age it worked better to enforce homework etc being completed before letting them choose (within reason) how to spend their free time.

[Mont Blanc]

Sway said:

You're fighting a losing battle.

You're up against multiple billions spent over the last couple of decades to create pretty much the most addictive activity possible. A constant stream of micro dosed hyperstimulation/dopamine.

Agreed.

Gaming is designed to be incredibly addictive. People then act suprised when kids (and adults) get utterly addicted to it.

bhstewie said:

I don't have kids so this is easy for me to say but why an arbitrary 2 hours and what's does he do and what is he supposed to do with the rest of his time?

A fair point, but surely only one that would apply to weekend and holidays as there won't be that much time spare during the week.

Throughout secondary school, until I left at 18, my Mon-Fri routine looked a bit like:
Get home from school about 5pm
Dinner with family until about 6pm
Homework and reading from 6-8pm
Then I usually had 1-2 hours of free time until bed, which is when I would watch TV or play on my computer.

School term aside, I did used to spend a lot of time on my Amstrad, Commodore 64, and Amiga during the holidays, becasue as Stewie says, what else was there to do? I hated anything sports related, wasnt that interteted in riding my bike, and if I wanted to spend time with any friends my parents would have to drive me there an drop me off as it was too far to cycle or walk.

andrebar said:

Good advice. When my kids were that age it worked better to enforce homework etc being completed before letting them choose (within reason) how to spend their free time.

Agree with this as well.

As long as he is doing the required hours of homework and domestic chores that you have arranged, then just let him decide how he wants to spend the rest of the time.

[r3g]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend.

Why are you forcing him to do stuff YOU want to do when he clearly has no interest and doesn't want to do it? This is a great way to have him hate you and ultimately disown you further down the road. He's 14 not 8. 14 year olds spend all their time on Xboxes and PlayStations until they discover girls and then you rarely see them.

When I was playing the original GTA on my BBC Master in my teens I cannot think of anything duller if my Old Man had forced me to go out cycling with him instead.

As mentioned above, let him play his PlayStation but in exchange for completing household chores/walking dog so as to free up time for you and the missus. He'll soon get with the script if you stick to your word. If he wants try calling the shots with back-chat - fine, crack on, but no PlayStation for you today, then see if he's had a rethink about his life choices next day, rinse and repeat if necessary.

[r3g]

Mont Blanc said:

Sway said:

You're fighting a losing battle.

You're up against multiple billions spent over the last couple of decades to create pretty much the most addictive activity possible. A constant stream of micro dosed hyperstimulation/dopamine.

Agreed.

Gaming is designed to be incredibly addictive. People then act suprised when kids (and adults) get utterly addicted to it.

Meh. Some truth in it but mostly sensational nonsense. I expect most of us here in the 40-50s age range spent hours and hours playing on our Ataris/Archimedes/Commodore 64s in our teens but we've all turned out alright for the most part .

[Panamax]

HTP99 said:

Problem the OP has, it seems his wife doesn't back him up, his kid will know this and will play on it, there will be conflict between the OP and his wife.

Absolutely this. I'm surprised you're the first person to mention it in this thread which has already received several replies. If the parents aren't in agreement then any attempt at sanction/control will never work. OP can only end up as "the bad guy".

[Mont Blanc]

r3g said:

Mont Blanc said:

Sway said:

You're fighting a losing battle.

You're up against multiple billions spent over the last couple of decades to create pretty much the most addictive activity possible. A constant stream of micro dosed hyperstimulation/dopamine.

Agreed.

Gaming is designed to be incredibly addictive. People then act suprised when kids (and adults) get utterly addicted to it.

Meh. Some truth in it but mostly sensational nonsense. I expect most of us here in the 40-50s age range spent hours and hours playing on our Ataris/Archimedes/Commodore 64s in our teens but we've all turned out alright for the most part .

The last game I played was GTA5 on a PS3. Prior to that I hadn't played a game or owned a console in probably 15 years. I found it utterly comsuming and addictive. Sitting downstairs until midnight each night refusing to go to bed as I just wanted to keep playing. Even at weekends when we went somewhere all I could think about was being back at home and playing. My wife was wondering what on earth was wrong with me and actually started to worry. I finished the game and got rid of the PS3. Haven't bothered since, and as a Dad in my 40's, I am too busy anyway to game

But, I totally accept your point that we all playedfor hours and hours on Spectrum/Amstrad/Amiga/PC and turned out fine. I'm just not sure games were as addictive or long last ing back then. After an hour or two of Dizzy on the Amstrad or Speedball on the Amiga and you were pretty much done with it for the day, and off to play with your Tamiya Grasshopper.

Hugo Stiglitz said:

This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend.

To be fair to your son. Why on earth would you think he would want to go cycking with you?

As per my earlier post, I absolutely hated anything that was either sport, cycling or exercise when I was a teenager. Cycling with my dad would have been like a punishment.

[anonymous-user]

Mont Blanc said:

r3g said:

Mont Blanc said:

Sway said:

You're fighting a losing battle.

You're up against multiple billions spent over the last couple of decades to create pretty much the most addictive activity possible. A constant stream of micro dosed hyperstimulation/dopamine.

Agreed.

Gaming is designed to be incredibly addictive. People then act suprised when kids (and adults) get utterly addicted to it.

Meh. Some truth in it but mostly sensational nonsense. I expect most of us here in the 40-50s age range spent hours and hours playing on our Ataris/Archimedes/Commodore 64s in our teens but we've all turned out alright for the most part .

The last game I played was GTA5 on a PS3. Prior to that I hadn't played a game or owned a console in probably 15 years. I found it utterly comsuming and addictive. Sitting downstairs until midnight each night refusing to go to bed as I just wanted to keep playing. Even at weekends when we went somewhere all I could think about was being back at home and playing. My wife was wondering what on earth was wrong with me and actually started to worry. I finished the game and got rid of the PS3. Haven't bothered since, and as a Dad in my 40's, I am too busy anyway to game

But, I totally accept your point that we all playedfor hours and hours on Spectrum/Amstrad/Amiga/PC and turned out fine. I'm just not sure games were as addictive or long last ing back then. After an hour or two of Dizzy on the Amstrad or Speedball on the Amiga and you were pretty much done with it for the day, and off to play with your Tamiya Grasshopper.

Hugo Stiglitz said:

This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend.

To be fair to your son. Why on earth would you think he would want to go cycking with you?

As per my earlier post, I absolutely hated anything that was either sport, cycling or exercise when I was a teenager. Cycling with my dad would have been like a punishment.

The same reason I enjoyed going fishing with my dad when I was a teen and when my nephew was a teen, he enjoyed going mountain biking with my brother.

[dirky dirk]

This was my lad

All money went on games and points
8 years on
Hes now realsied it messed his exams up and hes got to get up at 630 for a crap job miles away

Id go as far as to say i dont bother with him unless i have to
Because ofmthe rows it created


Matters made infinitely worse by your being firm and your partner giving in to his demands

[Hugo Stiglitz]

OK, alittle more information. A few weeks ago a boy assaulted him at school and ran off. Saying he had said (shouted) something perogative about religion. They say things to push the boundaries and shock each other and apperently one of his friends told axhool that yes he did say it. Word got round and - a ststorm at school. School got all involved in and made my son apologise (even though my son point blank stated he said nothing of the sort bit he had to admit to it to make it go away.

He refuses to admit it so I said no PlayStation time - he soon got round that when I was at work.

I'm worn out but I really do think the bloody thing needs a break sat in my office on my desk.

My wife is worn out but relents to avoid conflict.

[egor110]

I guess the flip side is he might stop the PlayStation and start hanging around with the wrong sort all night getting into trouble ?

[HTP99]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

OK, alittle more information. A few weeks ago a boy assaulted him at school and ran off. Saying he had said (shouted) something perogative about religion. They say things to push the boundaries and shock each other and apperently one of his friends told axhool that yes he did say it. Word got round and - a ststorm at school. School got all involved in and made my son apologise (even though my son point blank stated he said nothing of the sort bit he had to admit to it to make it go away.

He refuses to admit it so I said no PlayStation time - he soon got round that when I was at work.

I'm worn out but I really do think the bloody thing needs a break sat in my office on my desk.

My wife is worn out but relents to avoid conflict.

This is the problem and is why I mentioned it in my post, issue is it only makes things worse in the long run, the arguments and resentment from you towards your son will be much worse when the issues are dragged on for longer, he won't respect you, he'll likely start to refuse to do family things with you i.e. family events, as he absolutely must play online during that time; a tournament or whatever, your wife will cave in.

A few days of being hard on him and maintaining the boundaries going forward will save many years ahead of conflict and resentment from all sides, however it needs the both of you to agree and stand firm.

[ChevronB19]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend. He slept in this morning so we couldn't go and see his Grandmother as unbeknown to me he sneaked and found his controller then sat till 2am playing last night.

I honestly feel that he needs a reset. Then we can start again with the PlayStation boundaries.

Erm, it’s not his choice he goes to his grandmother with you, it’s your choice. Enforce it.

[grumbledoak]

I would be much more worried about his performance in his exams, and maybe that assault, than 2 hours on the PlayStation, especially if that is how his circle socialize.

[Ityre]

I can relate to the problems of teenagers and devices, my 14 year old daughter ended up on a phone/device ban, decided to start running away from home, hiding in school etc , thinking I would relent as her phone had tracking software on it, everything escalated at home regards this, social work involved basically I was the bad guy and I should give her the phone back, I said to them that she can have the phone when she pays the bills for it, long story short I had that much trouble with my daughter (were in blended family , my other half couldn’t take much more) so I threw the teenager out , she went back to her mum (who wasn’t happy) , upshot of it I was accused of assault , My daughter is now in foster care after an unknown ‘incident’ with her mum that im not allowed to find out about, next week she turns 17 , I should be taking her out on her first driving lesson, alas I wish i could but I havent heard from her, but she has her social work provided devices and not sat any exams so I guess she’s winning in life 🙄. Never in a million year did i think this would have been the direction she took.

[Sway]

r3g said:

Mont Blanc said:

Sway said:

You're fighting a losing battle.

You're up against multiple billions spent over the last couple of decades to create pretty much the most addictive activity possible. A constant stream of micro dosed hyperstimulation/dopamine.

Agreed.

Gaming is designed to be incredibly addictive. People then act suprised when kids (and adults) get utterly addicted to it.

Meh. Some truth in it but mostly sensational nonsense. I expect most of us here in the 40-50s age range spent hours and hours playing on our Ataris/Archimedes/Commodore 64s in our teens but we've all turned out alright for the most part .

Not sensational at all.

Those hours and hours - they were great. Since then, you've an entire industry spending billions upon billions every year making it even more compelling.

Look at the behaviour of the son. It's not rational, it's not 'normal' - it's the mark of an addict.

Just like if you turned around to a 40 a day smoker and said 'this is killing you, I'm "enforcing" a limit of 3 per day' - within an hour that person is going to be hoovering up fagbutts and making tramp rollies... Any communication during this point is also going to be completely useless.

Further, the methods of control here are obviously rubbish. Hiding the controller? Wtaf?! Of course he's going to be up, and searching everywhere in the place he knows most intimately until he finds it!

Now, that addiction doesn't have to be life impacting. With small tweaks, and time, things will change and he'll be a normal and productive adult who's decent to spend time around. That is not this day...

[CountyAFC]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend. He slept in this morning so we couldn't go and see his Grandmother as unbeknown to me he sneaked and found his controller then sat till 2am playing last night.

I honestly feel that he needs a reset. Then we can start again with the PlayStation boundaries.

You let him sleep in and ruin a family outing?

I don't mean to be rude but you're part of the problem, if you allow things like this to happen.

[YorkshireStu]

Maybe try this?

https://www.playstation.com/en-gb/support/account/...

[DSLiverpool]

It’s just a phase so leave him to it and be thankful for the peace.
I’ve 2 kids with anger issues and they’d think nothing of attacking mum first if denied anything, this happens outside of the house so we can’t go many places and never unaccompanied as such life is pretty st.
Be thankful for the peace.

[plenty]

I wasn't comfortable with my children's constant gaming, but I realised the problem was not with them, but with me.

If you're of a certain age, you'll probably think that being outdoors doing things like cycling are inherently healthier than playing games in a bedroom. But there's no actual objective basis for that (I don't buy into any of the moral panic around how it's damaging brains etc.)

It's mere generational difference. Gaming for my kids' generation is the equivalent of the playground, cinema or bike rides for mine. I'm not a gamer, but I chose to take an interest and ask them about the games they played.

I never imposed any restrictions on my kids' screen time. I occasionally still wonder if that was the wrong decision, such as when I have to remind them to put down their phones at the dinner table. But other than that, they have grown up to be really quite sensible and well adjusted young adults, I daresay a lot more than I was at their age.

Today we have very good relationships, and they talk to me about everything. I think it helped that I chose to show interest in their gaming, rather than judge them harshly for it. They still game for hours every day, but it's no different from the time you or I might spend cycling, or in the pub, or tinkering with cars.