Appalling Flatulence
Discussion
This thread reminds me of a story I read (probably on here)
A bloke was standing in the queue McD's when he feels something brewing. Fortunately the background music was reasonably loud and it completely masked the 4 or 5 huge farts he let go. It was only when he got the counter he realised the loud music was actualy the headphones he was wearing, and the rest of the customers had been treated to a brace of trumpet solos.
A bloke was standing in the queue McD's when he feels something brewing. Fortunately the background music was reasonably loud and it completely masked the 4 or 5 huge farts he let go. It was only when he got the counter he realised the loud music was actualy the headphones he was wearing, and the rest of the customers had been treated to a brace of trumpet solos.
98elise said:
This thread reminds me of a story I read (probably on here)
A bloke was standing in the queue McD's when he feels something brewing. Fortunately the background music was reasonably loud and it completely masked the 4 or 5 huge farts he let go. It was only when he got the counter he realised the loud music was actualy the headphones he was wearing, and the rest of the customers had been treated to a brace of trumpet solos.
A bloke was standing in the queue McD's when he feels something brewing. Fortunately the background music was reasonably loud and it completely masked the 4 or 5 huge farts he let go. It was only when he got the counter he realised the loud music was actualy the headphones he was wearing, and the rest of the customers had been treated to a brace of trumpet solos.
Back when we were 17/18 I had a mate who was proud of his farts, we were in his new (to him) renault 5 turbo and he was squeezing them out, unfortunately he tried a bit too hard and he yelped "oh my god I've just s
t myself" he had to drive for the next 6 miles to the next turn off, back arched and arse off the seat while we all hung out the window pissing ourselves laughing
t myself" he had to drive for the next 6 miles to the next turn off, back arched and arse off the seat while we all hung out the window pissing ourselves laughingmikees said:
Any links to similar threads? This has had me laughing more than I have for years.
M
Have you not seen the links on previous pages of this thread? M
The clowns running across jelly?
The Pixolax thread? ( probably the funniest ever.
Never mind, here's a small consolation for you Mikees:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TXGNuJ6wIes
Enjoy!
glenrobbo said:
Have you not seen the links on previous pages of this thread?
The clowns running across jelly?
The Pixolax thread? ( probably the funniest ever.
Never mind, here's a small consolation for you Mikees:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TXGNuJ6wIes
Enjoy!
The 'Jackass fart mask' on YouTube is right up there as well. The clowns running across jelly?
The Pixolax thread? ( probably the funniest ever.
Never mind, here's a small consolation for you Mikees:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TXGNuJ6wIes
Enjoy!
mikees said:
Kwackersaki said:
cirian75 said:
antspants said:
Driving down to my sisters today and about halfway through the journey, I let one slip which was clearly the results of days of drinking and eating far too much. Now I always think that generally your own farts are pretty inoffensive, but not today. No this smelled like I'd spent the last 2 days eating rotting meat and then st myself, it was eye watering. Which just made me start giggling.
My wife was sat in the back with my son and spotted me laughing, "what are you giggling a...oh, oh, eurrrgghh, no, no!!!" followed by the sound of the back windows going down, and them both laughing while calling me names.
I waited for the smell to dissipate and the windows to go back up, before doing it again and locking the windows
My hero t myself, it was eye watering. Which just made me start giggling. My wife was sat in the back with my son and spotted me laughing, "what are you giggling a...oh, oh, eurrrgghh, no, no!!!" followed by the sound of the back windows going down, and them both laughing while calling me names.
I waited for the smell to dissipate and the windows to go back up, before doing it again and locking the windows
I had an Opel Manta at the time and it only had rear quarter windows which only opened a fraction. His brother sat in the back and on the way we me and my mate were taking it in turns to drop our guts. I was bad but my mate was off the scale. We both refused to open the front windows and his brother spent most of the trip trying to gulp fresh air through the rear opening. We meanwhile were in tears of laughter.
The other memorable time was on holiday with my girlfriend and I had been drinking the local lager all day. That night I was awake in bed and dropped the loudest fart I think up to that point I'd ever done as I'm renowned for being loud. It didn't help that it was a small room with a tiled floor.
It woke my girlfriend who said "what was that"? I was biting my lip as i mumbled "what"? "That noise, it sounded like a window banging". I lost it then and spent the next half hour in silent hysterics which didn't go down well as it "shook the bed". Oh well.
mikees said:
Any links to similar threads? This has had me laughing more than I have for years.
M
Worth resurrecting if you've not seen it before...M
www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm
Blown2CV said:
Zod said:
Spice_Weasel said:
We spent last Christmas at my MiL's place. She's a great cook and we enjoyed a day of drink and rich food. After we put the kids to bed we carried on with (for me) bottles of ale, cheese and biscuits, mince pies etc.
Eventually we all headed up to bed. Mrs S_W and I were in the bathroom brushing our teeth and I needed a wee. As there's little floor space in the bathroom, I sat down on the toilet to have a wee while continuing to brush my teeth. Suddenly a squeal, much like a deflated balloon, burst from my buttocks. I looked at my wife. She looked at me. The squeal went on and on. A single unbroken note that lasted for about 15 seconds. My wife is crying with laughter. I'm laughing too. Through her laughs she managed to say 'how long did that go on for'? I just about answered with 'I thought it was never going to end', which caused her and then me to laugh even more.
The next day my wife asked her mother whether she'd heard us laughing in the bathroom. 'I heard everything' she replied. But she did see the funny side.
TMI.Eventually we all headed up to bed. Mrs S_W and I were in the bathroom brushing our teeth and I needed a wee. As there's little floor space in the bathroom, I sat down on the toilet to have a wee while continuing to brush my teeth. Suddenly a squeal, much like a deflated balloon, burst from my buttocks. I looked at my wife. She looked at me. The squeal went on and on. A single unbroken note that lasted for about 15 seconds. My wife is crying with laughter. I'm laughing too. Through her laughs she managed to say 'how long did that go on for'? I just about answered with 'I thought it was never going to end', which caused her and then me to laugh even more.
The next day my wife asked her mother whether she'd heard us laughing in the bathroom. 'I heard everything' she replied. But she did see the funny side.
Time for this thread to return, I was reminded of it in the Juvenile Things thread
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Lifted from there are it belongs in here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Lifted from there are it belongs in here:
MartG said:
A lovely story I came across this morning...
"Mark Astick
9 December 2014 ·
Okay, to be fair here, it wasn't technically me, it was my brother. Also this was years ago. However, this remains one of the most incredible fkups I have ever personally witnessed and I figured you guys might get a kick out of it.
To set the stage a bit: We're in Rhode Island in the 90s, and myself and my two younger brothers are the children of the children of Italian immigrants. We are descended from the kind of Stoic Catholicism you read about. Church is a solemn, Gothic affair with a lot of silence in between the call and response that makes up a normal Sunday service. Church is a Big Deal™ to my parents at the time, and you are not to fk around during it.
Knowing that, I have to wonder what got into my folks' heads when we went out to breakfast prior to Church and wound up at this small eatery in Wakefield called the Bluebird Cafe.
Going out for breakfast pre-church was rare, but for some reason the decision was made to have breakfast as a family and eschew our normal 9AM service for the one at 11AM instead. On top of that, this place has really good food, but it's also very heavy depending on what you order. The portions are also gargantuan, which our server warned us about when all three of us boys tried to individually order huevos rancheros, but we protested that we were totally old enough to eat an entire plate of this ourselves (bearing in mind I was thirteen, middle son was eleven, youngest was nine). Our parents acquiesced and we all got our individual plates of food.
The huevos rancheros at this place isn't, like, a tortilla with an egg on it, mind you. Oh no. It is a giant fk-off dinner-plate-sized flour patty with about three pounds of black beans on it, plus onions, a huge helping of grits, something like four eggs, an alarming amount of melted cheese, and copious hot sauce. One plate is enough to comfortably feed an average human for a day and a half.
I couldn't finish mine. Believe me I tried. Youngest son didn't even get halfway through.
Middle son ate the entire thing in about 45 seconds. He hoovered it up like it was going to get up and run away from him after a couple minutes. I'm sure, somewhere in the back of their heads, my parents could sense the brewing storm, but they said nothing at this point.
They did say something about an hour later as we were driving to church and my brother nonchalantly coughed a few times and then trumpet-blasted out an ungodly long fart in the back seat of the car. It had to have lifted him a foot in the air. I'm pretty sure his seatbelt locked because of it. It sounded like a dying goose put through a megaphone and ended with a pretty bad gurgling noise. He may well have st his pants at this point.
Naturally myself and the youngest brother instantly lose our minds and are howling with laughter while my increasingly-pissed dad is trying to find a parking spot. By that point the smell had ballooned into the entire cabin of the car and my mom was making gagging noises and frantically trying to get all the windows rolled down while the middle kid sat there grinning like an idiot and the other two of us were gasping for air because of fart smell/uncontrollable laughter. It smelled like a carcass in there for days afterwards. It was bad.
So we finally find a parking spot and my poor dad is trying to get us to take this whole church thing semi-seriously and all three of us have the worst case of the giggles we've had in years. He scolds my brother to not "be disgusting" in church or he's going to be "really angry" and it's "not funny" and finally he just gives up because this is falling on obviously deaf ears for the most part, so he just kind of grabs us all and collectively frog-marches us inside.
Okay so Catholics/Church goers out there: You guys all know that bit in the Lord's Prayer where it goes "the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever" and the entire congregation goes "Amen"?
So my brother needed to fart again. He'd been holding this in for the better part of an hour long service at this point, and clearly by about the 45-minute mark he'd come to the realization that I need to fart had become I'm going to fart. He was cognizant of my dad's dire warning to not do this, so in his head he concocted the brilliant plan to time his fart for the "Amen" part, hoping the sound of an entire packed room of people chanting a single syllable would be enough to mask the sound, if maybe not the smell.
So he went for it.
Problem is, he mistimed it by about a second and a half.
It wound up going like this:
Father: "For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever." Everyone: "Amen"
beat of absolute, total silence
Ear-splitting, subwoofer-grade, bucket-of-chum-being-emptied-into-the-ocean five second long fart blast which echoed off the walls in the pindrop-silent room.
It was bad, you guys. It was bad. The smell hit an old lady behind us a few seconds later and she actually gave a sort of panicked grunt and clutched at her face, so there was this horrid fart sound then this poor old lady going "uuuggggh!" and reeling backwards into the pew as the smell of rotting kid fart assaulted her and everyone around her.
My brother is trying to pinch it off pretty desperately, which just makes it worse because it goes from this massive boom to sort of squeaking out like a duck before he finally manages to clench enough to keep it in.
As this is going on, picture three young boys all standing there 100% straight up with looks of absolute neutrality on their faces, because that was us trying unbelievably hard not to totally lose our st and laugh for the next six straight hours uncontrollably. While we were doing an admirable job of this, all our faces were beet red.
Worse, because my brother had pinched off a bit of fart, he was concentrating so hard on not launching into riotous laughter that his concentration would slip and a little squeak of a fart would slip out. This went on for the next thirty seconds or so, interrupting our poor priest as he tried to continue the sermon.
Every time he tried to finish a sentence you'd hear this little frrt and then a sort of quiet hrrnnng as we tried so, so hard not to laugh. All the while the swamp stench of digested egg was drifting around our pew, and entire families were trying to discretely shuffle away from us.
To my dad's credit, he didn't go ballistic on us when it was over. He just looked disappointed/relieved to be out of there. The three of us did not stop laughing until around dinner, and my dad just kind of gave up on the idea of having some kind of punishment and just decided we weren't going to go back to that church for a while.
It remains the single best farting-in-church thing that has ever happened."
"Mark Astick
9 December 2014 ·
Okay, to be fair here, it wasn't technically me, it was my brother. Also this was years ago. However, this remains one of the most incredible f
kups I have ever personally witnessed and I figured you guys might get a kick out of it.To set the stage a bit: We're in Rhode Island in the 90s, and myself and my two younger brothers are the children of the children of Italian immigrants. We are descended from the kind of Stoic Catholicism you read about. Church is a solemn, Gothic affair with a lot of silence in between the call and response that makes up a normal Sunday service. Church is a Big Deal™ to my parents at the time, and you are not to f
k around during it.Knowing that, I have to wonder what got into my folks' heads when we went out to breakfast prior to Church and wound up at this small eatery in Wakefield called the Bluebird Cafe.
Going out for breakfast pre-church was rare, but for some reason the decision was made to have breakfast as a family and eschew our normal 9AM service for the one at 11AM instead. On top of that, this place has really good food, but it's also very heavy depending on what you order. The portions are also gargantuan, which our server warned us about when all three of us boys tried to individually order huevos rancheros, but we protested that we were totally old enough to eat an entire plate of this ourselves (bearing in mind I was thirteen, middle son was eleven, youngest was nine). Our parents acquiesced and we all got our individual plates of food.
The huevos rancheros at this place isn't, like, a tortilla with an egg on it, mind you. Oh no. It is a giant f
k-off dinner-plate-sized flour patty with about three pounds of black beans on it, plus onions, a huge helping of grits, something like four eggs, an alarming amount of melted cheese, and copious hot sauce. One plate is enough to comfortably feed an average human for a day and a half.I couldn't finish mine. Believe me I tried. Youngest son didn't even get halfway through.
Middle son ate the entire thing in about 45 seconds. He hoovered it up like it was going to get up and run away from him after a couple minutes. I'm sure, somewhere in the back of their heads, my parents could sense the brewing storm, but they said nothing at this point.
They did say something about an hour later as we were driving to church and my brother nonchalantly coughed a few times and then trumpet-blasted out an ungodly long fart in the back seat of the car. It had to have lifted him a foot in the air. I'm pretty sure his seatbelt locked because of it. It sounded like a dying goose put through a megaphone and ended with a pretty bad gurgling noise. He may well have s
t his pants at this point.Naturally myself and the youngest brother instantly lose our minds and are howling with laughter while my increasingly-pissed dad is trying to find a parking spot. By that point the smell had ballooned into the entire cabin of the car and my mom was making gagging noises and frantically trying to get all the windows rolled down while the middle kid sat there grinning like an idiot and the other two of us were gasping for air because of fart smell/uncontrollable laughter. It smelled like a carcass in there for days afterwards. It was bad.
So we finally find a parking spot and my poor dad is trying to get us to take this whole church thing semi-seriously and all three of us have the worst case of the giggles we've had in years. He scolds my brother to not "be disgusting" in church or he's going to be "really angry" and it's "not funny" and finally he just gives up because this is falling on obviously deaf ears for the most part, so he just kind of grabs us all and collectively frog-marches us inside.
Okay so Catholics/Church goers out there: You guys all know that bit in the Lord's Prayer where it goes "the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever" and the entire congregation goes "Amen"?
So my brother needed to fart again. He'd been holding this in for the better part of an hour long service at this point, and clearly by about the 45-minute mark he'd come to the realization that I need to fart had become I'm going to fart. He was cognizant of my dad's dire warning to not do this, so in his head he concocted the brilliant plan to time his fart for the "Amen" part, hoping the sound of an entire packed room of people chanting a single syllable would be enough to mask the sound, if maybe not the smell.
So he went for it.
Problem is, he mistimed it by about a second and a half.
It wound up going like this:
Father: "For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever." Everyone: "Amen"
beat of absolute, total silence
Ear-splitting, subwoofer-grade, bucket-of-chum-being-emptied-into-the-ocean five second long fart blast which echoed off the walls in the pindrop-silent room.
It was bad, you guys. It was bad. The smell hit an old lady behind us a few seconds later and she actually gave a sort of panicked grunt and clutched at her face, so there was this horrid fart sound then this poor old lady going "uuuggggh!" and reeling backwards into the pew as the smell of rotting kid fart assaulted her and everyone around her.
My brother is trying to pinch it off pretty desperately, which just makes it worse because it goes from this massive boom to sort of squeaking out like a duck before he finally manages to clench enough to keep it in.
As this is going on, picture three young boys all standing there 100% straight up with looks of absolute neutrality on their faces, because that was us trying unbelievably hard not to totally lose our s
t and laugh for the next six straight hours uncontrollably. While we were doing an admirable job of this, all our faces were beet red.Worse, because my brother had pinched off a bit of fart, he was concentrating so hard on not launching into riotous laughter that his concentration would slip and a little squeak of a fart would slip out. This went on for the next thirty seconds or so, interrupting our poor priest as he tried to continue the sermon.
Every time he tried to finish a sentence you'd hear this little frrt and then a sort of quiet hrrnnng as we tried so, so hard not to laugh. All the while the swamp stench of digested egg was drifting around our pew, and entire families were trying to discretely shuffle away from us.
To my dad's credit, he didn't go ballistic on us when it was over. He just looked disappointed/relieved to be out of there. The three of us did not stop laughing until around dinner, and my dad just kind of gave up on the idea of having some kind of punishment and just decided we weren't going to go back to that church for a while.
It remains the single best farting-in-church thing that has ever happened."
bucks said:
Time for this thread to return, I was reminded of it in the Juvenile Things thread
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Lifted from there are it belongs in here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Lifted from there are it belongs in here:
That's brilliant, sitting here trying to read it out to the missus, tears rolling down my cheeks and I can't breathe with the laughter...
Walking down a deserted aisle in Sainsburys I felt the rumble ,so as nobody was about I put a bit of effort into clearing it as you never know when the coast will be clear again .
I am on several medications known for gas production so I know I can be quite audible from the lower opening .
What I didn't expect was congratulations from another aisle on the loudness of my fart ."F#$k me good effort!"
I am on several medications known for gas production so I know I can be quite audible from the lower opening .
What I didn't expect was congratulations from another aisle on the loudness of my fart ."F#$k me good effort!"
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff