Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
GCSE: Cross-curricular studies for teenagers
Time allowed: 1 hour 45 minutes
Please show your workings.
Mathematics
1. Three people live in a house. All of those people are over the age of 14. Please explain, with the aid of diagrams, why only one of those people can take the rubbish out.
2. Josh has started an apprenticeship earning £140 per week. His mobile phone bill this month was £385. How much pay will he have left over?
a) All of it, WTF should he pay his own bill?
b) None of it, he has spent it all on a tattoo
3. Jane wears a clean shirt to school every day. Jane has six shirts. Explain using Bayes Theorem and taking into account microbiological cross-contamination how likely it is that any given shirt on the floor on Thursday morning will be clean enough to wear to school.
English language and creative writing
4. "I was like going to the shopping mall and met like Lucy, Dan and like two other people from like school. We went to like Hollisters to get some like T-shirts for Dan and then went to like Primark cos Becky like needs a bikini for her holiday in like Benidorm. We were like starving so we went to like McDonald's to get like some food and met up with like more people from school. We all had like burgers and like chips and some of us had like a drink but some of us didn't have like enough money."
Explain the exact meaning and usage of the word 'like' in the above passage.
5. Write about an inspirational member of your local community, such as Beth's Mum. Pay particular attention to Beth's Mum's opinions on music, art, politics, fashion sense, physical fitness, financial generosity and liberal parenting policies.
Combined Science
6. Explain, using the periodic table, why WKD will make you puke.
7. Explain the physics behind the phrase "It's just gone". You may use any of the following objects to illustrate your theory: an outdoor coat, one rugby boot, school tie, art coursework.
Technology and Computer Science
8. Explain how you will circumvent the broadband security your moderately techy parents have set up. Use diagrams if necessary.
9. You have been invited to sleep over at Harvey's house. Your parents wish to communicate with Harvey's parents about this.
(i) Explore and explain the circumstances under which the following items of modern technology would be simultaneously broken in order to prevent this communication from taking place:
a) the telephone - you should include reference to both landline and mobile.
b) email or any other internet-based communication system.
c) carrier pigeon.
(ii) Calculate the probability that, in a relatively small village, your parents already know that Harvey's parents have gone away for the weekend.
Critical Thinking
10. Explain what happens when you use the last of the toilet roll.
a) I put another full roll on the holder.
b) I stuff the full roll behind the back of the holder.
c) I'm going to Nando's with Becky.
Drama and Theatre Studies
11. "The Walking Dead could totally happen."
Discuss the devices used by the writers to support this assertion. Your answer should include reference to themes, tone and setting.
Economics
12. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be switched on and remain on?
a) Those in the room you're in.
b) Those in the room you are about to enter.
c) All of the lights including the fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut, you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.
Philosophy
13. It's soooo unfair!!!! - discuss.
14. Arthur is 17. His dinner consists of a XXL pizza and there is half a pizza in the box. Discuss whether this is:
a) Half eaten
b) Half uneaten
c) Not enough
For bonus marks:
How much more pizza will it take to fill Arthur up? (10 pts)
Discuss the theoretical concept of "too much bacon" (15 pts)
15. If a mother is speaking and no one is listening, does she still make a sound?
Time allowed: 1 hour 45 minutes
Please show your workings.
Mathematics
1. Three people live in a house. All of those people are over the age of 14. Please explain, with the aid of diagrams, why only one of those people can take the rubbish out.
2. Josh has started an apprenticeship earning £140 per week. His mobile phone bill this month was £385. How much pay will he have left over?
a) All of it, WTF should he pay his own bill?
b) None of it, he has spent it all on a tattoo
3. Jane wears a clean shirt to school every day. Jane has six shirts. Explain using Bayes Theorem and taking into account microbiological cross-contamination how likely it is that any given shirt on the floor on Thursday morning will be clean enough to wear to school.
English language and creative writing
4. "I was like going to the shopping mall and met like Lucy, Dan and like two other people from like school. We went to like Hollisters to get some like T-shirts for Dan and then went to like Primark cos Becky like needs a bikini for her holiday in like Benidorm. We were like starving so we went to like McDonald's to get like some food and met up with like more people from school. We all had like burgers and like chips and some of us had like a drink but some of us didn't have like enough money."
Explain the exact meaning and usage of the word 'like' in the above passage.
5. Write about an inspirational member of your local community, such as Beth's Mum. Pay particular attention to Beth's Mum's opinions on music, art, politics, fashion sense, physical fitness, financial generosity and liberal parenting policies.
Combined Science
6. Explain, using the periodic table, why WKD will make you puke.
7. Explain the physics behind the phrase "It's just gone". You may use any of the following objects to illustrate your theory: an outdoor coat, one rugby boot, school tie, art coursework.
Technology and Computer Science
8. Explain how you will circumvent the broadband security your moderately techy parents have set up. Use diagrams if necessary.
9. You have been invited to sleep over at Harvey's house. Your parents wish to communicate with Harvey's parents about this.
(i) Explore and explain the circumstances under which the following items of modern technology would be simultaneously broken in order to prevent this communication from taking place:
a) the telephone - you should include reference to both landline and mobile.
b) email or any other internet-based communication system.
c) carrier pigeon.
(ii) Calculate the probability that, in a relatively small village, your parents already know that Harvey's parents have gone away for the weekend.
Critical Thinking
10. Explain what happens when you use the last of the toilet roll.
a) I put another full roll on the holder.
b) I stuff the full roll behind the back of the holder.
c) I'm going to Nando's with Becky.
Drama and Theatre Studies
11. "The Walking Dead could totally happen."
Discuss the devices used by the writers to support this assertion. Your answer should include reference to themes, tone and setting.
Economics
12. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be switched on and remain on?
a) Those in the room you're in.
b) Those in the room you are about to enter.
c) All of the lights including the fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut, you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.
Philosophy
13. It's soooo unfair!!!! - discuss.
14. Arthur is 17. His dinner consists of a XXL pizza and there is half a pizza in the box. Discuss whether this is:
a) Half eaten
b) Half uneaten
c) Not enough
For bonus marks:
How much more pizza will it take to fill Arthur up? (10 pts)
Discuss the theoretical concept of "too much bacon" (15 pts)
15. If a mother is speaking and no one is listening, does she still make a sound?
MartG said:
12. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be switched on and remain on?
a) Those in the room you're in.
b) Those in the room you are about to enter.
c) All of the lights including the fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut, you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.
Sounds like an ex of mine. Coming home from work I used to guess which room she was in as every light was on.a) Those in the room you're in.
b) Those in the room you are about to enter.
c) All of the lights including the fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut, you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.
MartG said:
GCSE: Cross-curricular studies for teenagers
Philosophy
13. It's soooo unfair!!!! - discuss.
14. Arthur is 17. His dinner consists of a XXL pizza and there is half a pizza in the box. Discuss whether this is:
a) Half eaten
b) Half uneaten
c) Not enough
For bonus marks:
How much more pizza will it take to fill Arthur up? (10 pts)
Discuss the theoretical concept of "too much bacon" (15 pts)
There is no such thing as "too much" bacon. Philosophy
13. It's soooo unfair!!!! - discuss.
14. Arthur is 17. His dinner consists of a XXL pizza and there is half a pizza in the box. Discuss whether this is:
a) Half eaten
b) Half uneaten
c) Not enough
For bonus marks:
How much more pizza will it take to fill Arthur up? (10 pts)
Discuss the theoretical concept of "too much bacon" (15 pts)
A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street from her home. As she wondered around the store the clerk asked her what she was interested in. She said she was interested in buying a mirror.
He showed her a couple mirrors then told her he had a special, magic mirror in the back. She laughed, and said yeah, right! He showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is "Mirror Mirror on the door" then ask for anything. She gave it a try.
Mirror Mirror on the door, make my breast a 44.
KABOOM. She had some huge breast
She ran down the street to her house to show her husband. She told him of the magic mirror on the corner. He raced out the door headed to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted to try the magic mirror. The clerk took him out back where the mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the mirror and said
Mirror Mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor
KABOOM. His legs fell off.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St.. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours smile emoticon
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