What to do about this?
Discussion
Here are a few questions to ponder. The answers (or obvious lack of answers) aren't that elusive and should help you to decide what to do.
1) Who is the most important person in this little triangle?
2) Are their best interests most likely to be served by taking advice from a) a childcare professional b) your mates c) a group of random strangers on the internet
3) What does the child want from this?
4) What does the mother want from this?
5) What do you want from this?
6) What are the possible consequences of going in blind?
1) Who is the most important person in this little triangle?
2) Are their best interests most likely to be served by taking advice from a) a childcare professional b) your mates c) a group of random strangers on the internet
3) What does the child want from this?
4) What does the mother want from this?
5) What do you want from this?
6) What are the possible consequences of going in blind?
PurpleMoonlight said:
After almost 9 years of absolutely nothing I have received this from my ex wife via text!
"Hi. J***** has been asking about you of late and has said that he'd like to meet you. May he give you a call? V*******"
J is now 10.
V abandoned the marriage when J was 11 weeks old and obstructed contact from day one. She changed his surname in use immediately, and then via a court order which I knew nothing about until after the event.
I have serious doubts J is actually my child.
I really don't know what to do for the best.
My heart-felt suggestion on this one is do not speak to/contact the child until you have sorted everything out with your Ex."Hi. J***** has been asking about you of late and has said that he'd like to meet you. May he give you a call? V*******"
J is now 10.
V abandoned the marriage when J was 11 weeks old and obstructed contact from day one. She changed his surname in use immediately, and then via a court order which I knew nothing about until after the event.
I have serious doubts J is actually my child.
I really don't know what to do for the best.
Under absolutely no circumstances should you be considering dealing directly with the child until you have both agreed all the ground rules of any contact with the child.
Before the days of mobile phones, text messaging and the Internet I was stuck in the middle of two parents who refused to communicate. As a child it is the most utterly miserable, horrifically confusing and soul destroying situation to be in.
Speak to the mother first, I think you both have a lot to talk about. Do not even consider resolving this via text messages or email. Phone calls perhaps but face to face is the only way.
I repeat;
1. Do not have any contact with the child yet
2. Only deal with the mother face-to-face or via telephone.
3. Do not text text or email unless it is to arrange a meeting with the mother.
4. If the kid is yours, what's your gut feeling?
5. Are you in a relationship at the moment? What are your partners views on this situation?
I personally think a meeting with the mother to discuss everything is needed.
OP needs to know why does son want to meet him now.
Needs to know why wife cut him off.
Needs reassurance that the boy is his
Needs to get his mind around the whole scenario....
A meeting in person is going to help enormously.
OP needs to know why does son want to meet him now.
Needs to know why wife cut him off.
Needs reassurance that the boy is his
Needs to get his mind around the whole scenario....
A meeting in person is going to help enormously.
I think you should at least give this a go OP but you need to find out what the mother's angle is on all this? Has something happened to trigger this? Perhaps she's ill or something?
A bit extreme I know, but you certainly need to try and establish what's what in advance.
Best of luck!
A bit extreme I know, but you certainly need to try and establish what's what in advance.
Best of luck!
Impasse said:
The same number (although now with extra digits on the front) ever since my Motorola was fitted to my 3 year old Y reg Ford Sierra 2.3 Ghia.
However, I think we might be getting side-tracked.
indeed , but i do know of people who have 25 + year old mobile numbers and plenty of people ( myself included ) with 15+ years o nthe same mobile number. However, I think we might be getting side-tracked.
the OPs dilemma is compounded by his paternity doubts ... if the paternity doubts weren't there it would be a case of check you aren't about to be taken to the cleaners for child support ...
it could be innocent
the child could be an absolute little git and mum wants rid ( whether that is correctable is a whole tray of tins of worms )
mum could have a new man who doesn't want the child around
mph1977 said:
Impasse said:
The same number (although now with extra digits on the front) ever since my Motorola was fitted to my 3 year old Y reg Ford Sierra 2.3 Ghia.
However, I think we might be getting side-tracked.
indeed , but i do know of people who have 25 + year old mobile numbers and plenty of people ( myself included ) with 15+ years o nthe same mobile number. However, I think we might be getting side-tracked.
the OPs dilemma is compounded by his paternity doubts ... if the paternity doubts weren't there it would be a case of check you aren't about to be taken to the cleaners for child support ...
it could be innocent
the child could be an absolute little git and mum wants rid ( whether that is correctable is a whole tray of tins of worms )
mum could have a new man who doesn't want the child around
My initial CSA comment wasn't entirely serious. I'm fairly sure the claim starts from when the agency is first contacted, rather than the birth of the child.
Anyway, a point to consider is whether or not the OP is willing to be a dad to this young lad. He's been denied the opportunity for the past ten years so there's a chance any paternal feelings may well have fizzled to nothing. If there are no feelings then is it fair to the child to pursue this relationship? Is a non-existent dad better than a uninterested dad? Lots of soul searching to be done with no right answer.
Anyway, a point to consider is whether or not the OP is willing to be a dad to this young lad. He's been denied the opportunity for the past ten years so there's a chance any paternal feelings may well have fizzled to nothing. If there are no feelings then is it fair to the child to pursue this relationship? Is a non-existent dad better than a uninterested dad? Lots of soul searching to be done with no right answer.
OP needs to separate the issues.
Text the ex back and say that you'd entertain a meeting on the basis that a paternity test is complete in advance. Her actions and the lack of any CSA claim give you enough to have a reasonable doubt and this puts the ball back in her court. If the kid isn't yours you'll not hear from her again, if he is you'll know for sure and can then get your head around being whatever kind of dad your relationship requires. When that is complete the next steps will be easier and it is best to keep the kid out of it until then.
Someone above mentioned meeting her to discuss why she has acted as she has done but I'd avoid any discussion on why you split up and who did what afterwards. Water under the bridge. Sleeping dogs lie and all of that.
Text the ex back and say that you'd entertain a meeting on the basis that a paternity test is complete in advance. Her actions and the lack of any CSA claim give you enough to have a reasonable doubt and this puts the ball back in her court. If the kid isn't yours you'll not hear from her again, if he is you'll know for sure and can then get your head around being whatever kind of dad your relationship requires. When that is complete the next steps will be easier and it is best to keep the kid out of it until then.
Someone above mentioned meeting her to discuss why she has acted as she has done but I'd avoid any discussion on why you split up and who did what afterwards. Water under the bridge. Sleeping dogs lie and all of that.
Hitch78 said:
Someone above mentioned meeting her to discuss why she has acted as she has done but I'd avoid any discussion on why you split up and who did what afterwards. Water under the bridge. Sleeping dogs lie and all of that.
Fully agree! If you dredge ancient history up, it'll just cause more hassle in an already emotional arena!Don't do it, just be very matter of fact with her on today's issue.
PurpleMoonlight said:
Hitch78 said:
Text the ex back and say that you'd entertain a meeting on the basis that a paternity test is complete in advance.
I think I'm inclined to do this.It would seem to me that your separation was pretty acrimonious and I would hazard a guess that starting this new phase with that kind of demand will kill it dead from the word go. Unless if course her infidelity was unquestionable
PurpleMoonlight said:
Pothole said:
hat are you scared of?
I'm not sure that immediately speaking to a 10 year old child that I do not know from Adam is wise.Define "wise".
I know I'm sounding harsh, I just want to see what your mindset is. On what little you've written you don't sound very interested. Are you? If so, just go see the child. Worst case, you think he's amazing and he doesn't care for you at all or vice versa. Kids are pretty resilient, you know.
To be honest with you OP I'm not entirely sure I would make contact at all, she left you and took your son away and 9 years later you get this text. I wouldn't know the child and he wouldn't know you so what benefit would it be to meet up. You have to ask yourself if you really want to meet him or not.
If it was in reverse and it was you who left then I would say you have an obligation to your son but that decision was taken away from you by your ex wife taking him away and the bonkers system which backed her up.
I was told when I was 21 who my father was, and shown a picture and given a name. I didn't act upon it.
You could perhaps do the same, send a picture over with your name and contact details and if he wants to make contact then its without his mums interference and off his own back.
If it was in reverse and it was you who left then I would say you have an obligation to your son but that decision was taken away from you by your ex wife taking him away and the bonkers system which backed her up.
I was told when I was 21 who my father was, and shown a picture and given a name. I didn't act upon it.
You could perhaps do the same, send a picture over with your name and contact details and if he wants to make contact then its without his mums interference and off his own back.
dazwalsh said:
To be honest with you OP I'm not entirely sure I would make contact at all, she left you and took your son away and 9 years later you get this text. I wouldn't know the child and he wouldn't know you so what benefit would it be to meet up. You have to ask yourself if you really want to meet him or not.
If it was in reverse and it was you who left then I would say you have an obligation to your son but that decision was taken away from you by your ex wife taking him away and the bonkers system which backed her up.
I was told when I was 21 who my father was, and shown a picture and given a name. I didn't act upon it.
You could perhaps do the same, send a picture over with your name and contact details and if he wants to make contact then its without his mums interference and off his own back.
Except no 10 year old does anything independently...(or at least very few)If it was in reverse and it was you who left then I would say you have an obligation to your son but that decision was taken away from you by your ex wife taking him away and the bonkers system which backed her up.
I was told when I was 21 who my father was, and shown a picture and given a name. I didn't act upon it.
You could perhaps do the same, send a picture over with your name and contact details and if he wants to make contact then its without his mums interference and off his own back.
doogz said:
It's tricky, you don't want to meet the kid, then discover he's not yours. That could be really hard on him, thinking he's found a Dad, then having it taken away.
My situation is not the same, I did meet the kids when they were 9 and 12, but I knew I was not their dad as I'd only met their mum 6 months prior.I had also been married before and had no kids, didn't want them etc.
Problem was I fell for the whole family Mum and kids (no not in a pervy way, you weirdos who thought it
)Now 14 years later, I have 2 grown kids that I consider my own in my head and heart, and I could not be more proud of them.
My point is that it can be just as hard on the OP if he meets and then has taken away a son (in this case).
The thought of the kids not being around makes me feel as bad as the wife not being there.
You may find as with me, that just having the kid in your life is enough OP, it's up to you if you have the test, but don't meet him before the test is what I think I'm trying to say.
OP - really feel for you as situation is horrible (have some like experience from the opposite side of the coin - my marriage broke up instantly in the most acrimonious way possible - I was thankfully "left" with my son on a full time basis when he was a very vulnerable 10yo - he's now 16 - has had miniscule contact with his mum and is utterly disinterested in having any more) Although from random strangers.... some good advice here...
- sort your DNA concerns
- Chat to the mum and establish basis and her / his motivations
but...most importantly...don't mess with the emotions of a kid - if you're not wholly in then stay well away....
Best of luck!
- sort your DNA concerns
- Chat to the mum and establish basis and her / his motivations
but...most importantly...don't mess with the emotions of a kid - if you're not wholly in then stay well away....
Best of luck!
Sounds to me like the child has been pestering his mother about it for a long time and she has finally given in as she has no more excuses for why he can't see his father.
You COULD pretend you haven't received the text (I doubt she would be surprised if you have changed your number in that time.
I think it's best to talk to the mother on the phone and get as much information as possible and make a decision based on that.
You COULD pretend you haven't received the text (I doubt she would be surprised if you have changed your number in that time.
I think it's best to talk to the mother on the phone and get as much information as possible and make a decision based on that.
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