End of tether with our son
Discussion
Alucidnation said:
Of course they are.
They need the fear of God drummed into them.
Oops, probably shouldn't say that.
I'm the OP and boy! do I agree with that. They need the fear of God drummed into them.
Oops, probably shouldn't say that.
I went to school in the 60s/70s and the teachers were tough, the sports teachers even tougher, my parents were loving yet quick to punish and we were scared of the police.
I am a polite, clever and decent person who cares about others.
Worked for me.
We never agreed on parenting. She was soft and spoilt them, I was fun yet stern.
Kids stayed with their mum and there has always been trouble.
They stay with me and sure they misbehave but nowhere to the level that they do with her.
Antony Moxey said:
Perhaps he needs to stay with you more often and for longer periods. If for nothing else other than to give his poor mother a break.
That is hopefully the plan as after all I've given up an awful lot in order to be living locally. Missing my cottage in the country and my girlfriend.
Andy-SP2 said:
Ari said:
I was far from a model child, but the idea of a child swearing at his parents was completely unimaginable when I was a kid! If I had, losing 30 mins of playing games would have been the very least of my worries..!
Times have changed.
My Mum reaching for a wooden spoon was enough to scare meTimes have changed.
DuraAce said:
Gecko1978 said:
Oh an if he smashed the house up ebay the ps4 ffs its your house s
t has to be paid for so he looses the ps4 simple as that.
Actions have consequences as they say. I'd flog it in a heartbeat. t has to be paid for so he looses the ps4 simple as that.He needs rules and boundaries. I dread to think what would've happened to me at that age, had I behaved like that.
Had several temper tantrums in my time but never smashed the house up lol.
OP feel for you, must be heartbreaking and impossible at the same time.
OP, I feel for you.
I believe there's a fine line with parenting, but that too much mollycoddling and not enough clamping down on bad behaviour can be a real problem.
At this stage I would suggest some kind of professional help or counselling as the longer that this status quo goes on, the worse it'll get in my opinion.
I'd start by launching the Playstation out the window the next time he plays up.
I believe there's a fine line with parenting, but that too much mollycoddling and not enough clamping down on bad behaviour can be a real problem.
At this stage I would suggest some kind of professional help or counselling as the longer that this status quo goes on, the worse it'll get in my opinion.
I'd start by launching the Playstation out the window the next time he plays up.
croyde said:
That is hopefully the plan as after all I've given up an awful lot in order to be living locally.
Missing my cottage in the country and my girlfriend.
You must have a very tolerant girlfriend. Unless your son responds positively, quite soon, I think I'd be tempted to go back to your cottage in the country.Missing my cottage in the country and my girlfriend.
OP I' like everyone else feel your pain, I went wrong when I was around 18/19, drinking, fighting, out all the time, it took a bad fight with serious injuries and threat of a conviction to make me realise I was heading the wrong way, I was disciplined as a child like most were in the 70's/80's but when I got some freedom it went to my head. I finally found a release in weightlifting, which is ironic as at the time I was 5'4" and weighed about 10stone!! I don't have children, never wanted them, so all I can offer is, discipline is everything, find him a way to let off steam which isn't computer related, and use the platystaionxboxgames thingy as a reward, as others have said reward good behaviour and punish bad!!
In my rather limited experience, the root of many problems with teenagers (aside from hormones) is actually lack of sleep.
He sounds like he is playing games till the early morning, and then will be getting up a few hours later for school?
Get a few decent nights kip into him and see whether his outlook improves.
Then get him a focus that is not computer games. From a personal perspective, I suffered hugely from depression when I was a teenager. What kept me going was immersing myself in mountain biking, be it riding or reading magazines. It gave me a vent for my anger and frustration, plus allowed me time to myself if I wanted it – I would head out into the moors for hours. If he liked rowing to the degree you mention then he can probably pick up a different sport and find that competitive spirit/discipline again. Perhaps a sport that girls do too, such as swimming.
I see that people suggest a man-to-man chat is required. That may be so, but you probably are not the person for that. In fact it will likely make it worse. Is there an uncle he is close to, or do you have a best mate that he looks up to? Someone who can take him for a pie and pint, or a drive, and talk to him about him.
Maybe he also needs a change of scenery – my dad sent me on an Outward Bound Course when I was 17. First week away from parents, little phone reception, and no-one I already knew. It gave me a chance to rewind and re-invent a little. It was great fun and I opened up a lot because of it.
He sounds like he is playing games till the early morning, and then will be getting up a few hours later for school?
Get a few decent nights kip into him and see whether his outlook improves.
Then get him a focus that is not computer games. From a personal perspective, I suffered hugely from depression when I was a teenager. What kept me going was immersing myself in mountain biking, be it riding or reading magazines. It gave me a vent for my anger and frustration, plus allowed me time to myself if I wanted it – I would head out into the moors for hours. If he liked rowing to the degree you mention then he can probably pick up a different sport and find that competitive spirit/discipline again. Perhaps a sport that girls do too, such as swimming.
I see that people suggest a man-to-man chat is required. That may be so, but you probably are not the person for that. In fact it will likely make it worse. Is there an uncle he is close to, or do you have a best mate that he looks up to? Someone who can take him for a pie and pint, or a drive, and talk to him about him.
Maybe he also needs a change of scenery – my dad sent me on an Outward Bound Course when I was 17. First week away from parents, little phone reception, and no-one I already knew. It gave me a chance to rewind and re-invent a little. It was great fun and I opened up a lot because of it.
No advice to add (Not a parent - although I was once a teenager...)
Just thought I'd suggest https://www.belong.gg/
If there is anything like that nearby it might help him to get out of the house (still gaming - but with other people to talk to)
Just thought I'd suggest https://www.belong.gg/
If there is anything like that nearby it might help him to get out of the house (still gaming - but with other people to talk to)
We can all make a lot of assumptions about what's going on for him and what he needs. At his age he will naturally push and kick at boundaries that are put in place, that's pretty natural. The trashing the house when he doesn't get his way is a bit extreme, what are the consequences when he does this?, how do you support his mother when her efforts to sustain boundaries are met with his anger.
You mentioned that you think he maybe getting bullied again. Being his size will always attract attention from his peers who will want to have ago at him to test there own macho B.S. If he doesn't know how to deal with this he might be over reacting with his mother as its safer to do it in that environment then with his peers.
He probably does need his dad to show him how to regulate his feelings in a more controlled way and to show him how to be assertive without being aggressive, he needs his dad around him at this important stage of his development. Good luck
You mentioned that you think he maybe getting bullied again. Being his size will always attract attention from his peers who will want to have ago at him to test there own macho B.S. If he doesn't know how to deal with this he might be over reacting with his mother as its safer to do it in that environment then with his peers.
He probably does need his dad to show him how to regulate his feelings in a more controlled way and to show him how to be assertive without being aggressive, he needs his dad around him at this important stage of his development. Good luck
Not an expert as mine are 14 & 11, however I would suggest that "trashing the house" is a little more than pushing boundaries.
The issues I've had with mine are minor league compared to the OP, but taking out of their current environment, doing something enjoyable and then gently starting some discussions about the issue works.
The issues I've had with mine are minor league compared to the OP, but taking out of their current environment, doing something enjoyable and then gently starting some discussions about the issue works.
100% sympathise OP, we had exactly this with our eldest, almost to the letter. Ten years later he's living thousands of miles away, seems to have a girlfriend and I think may be slowly realising he might have done wrong. He's my stepson, which probably didn't help (his real Dad did a proper number on him) but his Mum stuck by him and tried to keep in touch. He is sort of responding.
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