I just sneezed and...
Discussion
I would call you a spanner Wuff, but i did a similar sort of thing on holiday. Tapping a half empty water bottle on my thigh, got distracted, and whacked myself hard in the plums.
On a different theme, pulling on the duvet one time, OH has it wrapped up around it her leg, my hand slipped and i punched myself in the face
On a different theme, pulling on the duvet one time, OH has it wrapped up around it her leg, my hand slipped and i punched myself in the face
Two nasties...
I had to remove a piece of 2x1 that was nailed on to the wall...single skin construction stone house. A max leverage, the (serrated) nails let go. Cue piece of 2x1 hitting me on the beak at 100mph. Lots of blood and I still have the scar.
If you half bury a tyre in the muddy floor of a scrapyard, the rubber will rot away but the steel cords will survive a bit longer.
Muggins, walking back to his own car, found the strand of unbreakable steel belting with the toe of his boot. Cue face print in scrapyard mud. Tasty!
I had to remove a piece of 2x1 that was nailed on to the wall...single skin construction stone house. A max leverage, the (serrated) nails let go. Cue piece of 2x1 hitting me on the beak at 100mph. Lots of blood and I still have the scar.
If you half bury a tyre in the muddy floor of a scrapyard, the rubber will rot away but the steel cords will survive a bit longer.
Muggins, walking back to his own car, found the strand of unbreakable steel belting with the toe of his boot. Cue face print in scrapyard mud. Tasty!
snowy slopes said:
I would call you a spanner Wuff, but i did a similar sort of thing on holiday. Tapping a half empty water bottle on my thigh, got distracted, and whacked myself hard in the plums.
On a different theme, pulling on the duvet one time, OH has it wrapped up around it her leg, my hand slipped and i punched myself in the face
Cool story bro, tell it again. On a different theme, pulling on the duvet one time, OH has it wrapped up around it her leg, my hand slipped and i punched myself in the face
Definitely come across that before 
Russell B said:
Many moons ago I was sat on then toilet when my 3 yo ran in with her skirt and pants round her ankles holding her bits saying she was going to wet herself. I got off the toilet picked her up span round, bent over to place her safely on the seat all in one perfect graceful movement. The only problem was when I'd span round and bent over I parked my ball bag on the top of a red hot radiator. The searing pain of this cased me to shoot forward and in doing so pushing my little un off the seat and down the loo onto what I'd just put in there. By now i gathered some momentum and I hit the toilet wall with my head like a bettering ram.
Wasn't the best day either of us have ever had
My belly is sore from laughing so much Wasn't the best day either of us have ever had
When I was about 9 I fell out of my 6 ft high cabin bed on to some shelves trying to open my window because I couldn't be bothered getting out of bed.
Not long after that I electrocuted myself twice on an electric fence, once to see if was live and twice to make sure.
When I was about 11 I got a cheap replacement suspension fork off ebay for my bike having trashed the old one and, without giving it a decent look over, went up to my local skatepark to try it out. I didn't even think to give myself some time to get used to it and simply piled straight at the box jump and overshot it. The fork wasn't as solid as I thought it was and all the internals from the right stantion shot out straight in to my eye at a right old rate of knots. I got off fairly lucky if I'm honest, just a cut eyelid and a haemmorage in my right eye along with a beast of a shiner, but it took 6 months for me to see properly out of my right eye again, I now have scarring on the retina, the eye is very sensetive to bright light and my vision through it isn't as good as the vision in my left eye. Still, better than completely losing the eye, that would have sucked.
3 years ago I was riding the bowl at a skatepark in Dundee which was about 7 ft deep with a 2 ft extension at one end. Having spent some time messing around in the 7 ft end I decided to try the 9 ft section which, unbeknownst to me was a vertical quarter pipe, so I aired it as I would any other quarter, by pulling back before taking off. By the time I'd finished the spin I could see that I had pulled right away from the ramp and was now pointing at the bottom of it and had time to think that when I got to the floor it was going to hurt like f
k. It did, although not as much as trying to climb out of a 7 ft deep bowl with a broken wrist.
About a year ago we replaced our plastic bodied kettle with an aluminium one, but somehow I still haven't gotten used to it. I still touch the side of it to see if it's hot so I burn myself on it at least once a week. I hate that bd kettle.
There are plenty of other cases of me hitting myself in the face with things, burning myself, walking into things and falling off stuff. I dread to think how I will manage to look after myself when I leave home.
Not long after that I electrocuted myself twice on an electric fence, once to see if was live and twice to make sure.
When I was about 11 I got a cheap replacement suspension fork off ebay for my bike having trashed the old one and, without giving it a decent look over, went up to my local skatepark to try it out. I didn't even think to give myself some time to get used to it and simply piled straight at the box jump and overshot it. The fork wasn't as solid as I thought it was and all the internals from the right stantion shot out straight in to my eye at a right old rate of knots. I got off fairly lucky if I'm honest, just a cut eyelid and a haemmorage in my right eye along with a beast of a shiner, but it took 6 months for me to see properly out of my right eye again, I now have scarring on the retina, the eye is very sensetive to bright light and my vision through it isn't as good as the vision in my left eye. Still, better than completely losing the eye, that would have sucked.
3 years ago I was riding the bowl at a skatepark in Dundee which was about 7 ft deep with a 2 ft extension at one end. Having spent some time messing around in the 7 ft end I decided to try the 9 ft section which, unbeknownst to me was a vertical quarter pipe, so I aired it as I would any other quarter, by pulling back before taking off. By the time I'd finished the spin I could see that I had pulled right away from the ramp and was now pointing at the bottom of it and had time to think that when I got to the floor it was going to hurt like f
k. It did, although not as much as trying to climb out of a 7 ft deep bowl with a broken wrist.About a year ago we replaced our plastic bodied kettle with an aluminium one, but somehow I still haven't gotten used to it. I still touch the side of it to see if it's hot so I burn myself on it at least once a week. I hate that b
d kettle.There are plenty of other cases of me hitting myself in the face with things, burning myself, walking into things and falling off stuff. I dread to think how I will manage to look after myself when I leave home.
chrisispringles said:
About a year ago we replaced our plastic bodied kettle with an aluminium one, but somehow I still haven't gotten used to it. I still touch the side of it to see if it's hot so I burn myself on it at least once a week. I hate that bd kettle.
I had one very much the same. Thank god it left with ex. d kettle.Drilling a piece of steel with a drill bit designed for wood, that had rusted and was mostly blunt. Not being able to find the drill chuck key I decided to persevere and keep going. After about 5 minutes of solid drilling there was smoke coming out of my partly drilled hole and the metal had turned quite dark. Being sensible I realised I would need to cool it so I loosened the vice and picked up the piece of steel to throw it into the vat of water - with my bare hand. The smell was a spot on match for fried bacon and I ended up with some seriously burned fingers as well as having to apologise to the neighbours for swearing so creatively in front of their daughter who was watching at the time.
Running at one of those large inflatable exercise balls, I intended to jump and land two-footed onto the ball and rebound off with a neat somersault. What followed was a sort of demented swan dive, followed by the sort of corkscrew a duck makes as it suffers a TIA in the air and dive-bombs with the grace of a special olympic sprinter towards the ground. No injury at all bar a very sore wrist for weeks afterwards and a black eye from some unknown cause.
Ahh, edited since I almost forgot: Going for a wee after applying Tiger Balm to aching muscle - Who would have thought that it makes your cock feel as if it is on fire? Of course this was very silly and it was the last time such a thing happened; well, except for two weeks afterwards when I did the same thing again, this time with Deep Heat. Lesson finally learned since and hands are thoroughly washed when going to the toilet.
Running at one of those large inflatable exercise balls, I intended to jump and land two-footed onto the ball and rebound off with a neat somersault. What followed was a sort of demented swan dive, followed by the sort of corkscrew a duck makes as it suffers a TIA in the air and dive-bombs with the grace of a special olympic sprinter towards the ground. No injury at all bar a very sore wrist for weeks afterwards and a black eye from some unknown cause.
Ahh, edited since I almost forgot: Going for a wee after applying Tiger Balm to aching muscle - Who would have thought that it makes your cock feel as if it is on fire? Of course this was very silly and it was the last time such a thing happened; well, except for two weeks afterwards when I did the same thing again, this time with Deep Heat. Lesson finally learned since and hands are thoroughly washed when going to the toilet.
Edited by B3njamin on Saturday 19th November 22:55
mikelc said:
Russell B said:
Many moons ago I was sat on then toilet when my 3 yo ran in with her skirt and pants round her ankles holding her bits saying she was going to wet herself. I got off the toilet picked her up span round, bent over to place her safely on the seat all in one perfect graceful movement. The only problem was when I'd span round and bent over I parked my ball bag on the top of a red hot radiator. The searing pain of this cased me to shoot forward and in doing so pushing my little un off the seat and down the loo onto what I'd just put in there. By now i gathered some momentum and I hit the toilet wall with my head like a bettering ram.
Wasn't the best day either of us have ever had
My belly is sore from laughing so much Wasn't the best day either of us have ever had
I'd just finished repairing the rear quarter on an old Wolseley 16/60, and had just laid down the last coat of paint. Took a few steps back to admire my work, knocked the 12ft ladder that was stored against the wall off its wall hooks, which then smacked me on the back of my head.. causing me to headbutt the tailfin,knocking my teeth out.... and making a total mess of the new paintwork.
Was bringing an old XJ back into my workshop, after taking it out to clean the place up a bit. I'd just welded up the sills so the carpets were all pulled back. Jumped back in and hit the throttle, which then jammed under the folded up carpet. Hit the back wall of the garage, where I'd just lined up all the plastic barrels of old oil I'd laid out to take to the tip. Cue a huge collision, me hitting the steering wheel, a just repaired but now crumpled Jag and old engine oil EVERYWHERE.
Was bringing an old XJ back into my workshop, after taking it out to clean the place up a bit. I'd just welded up the sills so the carpets were all pulled back. Jumped back in and hit the throttle, which then jammed under the folded up carpet. Hit the back wall of the garage, where I'd just lined up all the plastic barrels of old oil I'd laid out to take to the tip. Cue a huge collision, me hitting the steering wheel, a just repaired but now crumpled Jag and old engine oil EVERYWHERE.
tiffx19 said:
I'd just finished repairing the rear quarter on an old Wolseley 16/60, and had just laid down the last coat of paint. Took a few steps back to admire my work, knocked the 12ft ladder that was stored against the wall off its wall hooks, which then smacked me on the back of my head.. causing me to headbutt the tailfin,knocking my teeth out.... and making a total mess of the new paintwork.
Was bringing an old XJ back into my workshop, after taking it out to clean the place up a bit. I'd just welded up the sills so the carpets were all pulled back. Jumped back in and hit the throttle, which then jammed under the folded up carpet. Hit the back wall of the garage, where I'd just lined up all the plastic barrels of old oil I'd laid out to take to the tip. Cue a huge collision, me hitting the steering wheel, a just repaired but now crumpled Jag and old engine oil EVERYWHERE.
You spanner Was bringing an old XJ back into my workshop, after taking it out to clean the place up a bit. I'd just welded up the sills so the carpets were all pulled back. Jumped back in and hit the throttle, which then jammed under the folded up carpet. Hit the back wall of the garage, where I'd just lined up all the plastic barrels of old oil I'd laid out to take to the tip. Cue a huge collision, me hitting the steering wheel, a just repaired but now crumpled Jag and old engine oil EVERYWHERE.
Have just got through another restless night LMAO at this thread. Have had a few scary moments but the list includes:
1. Looking like a Buddhist monk whilst manfully helping the mental exOH to dispose of some garden rubbish that I had told her was too wet to burn.
Got home from work to find OH and her neice about to pour petrol on a smouldering heap. Going into lecturing mode about the dangers of pouring petrol on said heap proceeded to do the job myself, skilfully going to the other end of the heap away from the smouldering rubbish and congratulating myself on being intelligent and safe. Poured petrol from can, slight whoompf?, smell of singed hair, petrol can ablaze arcing through the air with a blazing trail of petrol, me dancing around like a whirling dervish struggling to remove clothing, puffa jacket melting in front of my eyes, thinking "OH FK you've really done it this time".
Escaped with loss of facial hair and slight tenderness of exposed skin. Epic fail.
Note to self: Always check wind direction!
Silly cows stood in kitchen laughing their fg heads off
2. Removing a small retaining wall in sisters back garden. 10lb sledge hammer tapping stones to loosen them. Won't budge, oh well hit them a bit harder, still not moving, right, you buggers. Raise sledge hammer to a decent height brings it down with proper force. The only thing that moves is my body as the hammer comes to a full stop against this wall that my dear beloved sister who knows absolutely nothing about DIY, had built. Proper p****d off by now. swings hammer around and back over my head, I am going to destroy this fg wall, as the hammer is approaching full velocity above my head an invisible force slows it down until it rebounds thanks to the plastic washing line I had failed to spot and proceeds to deal a glancing blow to my head and shoulder. Staggering about cursing and rubbing frantically the site of the injury I felt the warm flood of blood making it's way down my neck and chest. Feelig a little faint I sat down for a while at which point sis arrived home. Much shrieking and headless chicken behaviour followed. A few stitches and bandages later I enquired as to the mortar mix she had used to construct the wall. How much sand did you use? 2:1, 3:1?
"What sand" she said.
Why Oh Why does most of the hurt in my life revolve around women?
1. Looking like a Buddhist monk whilst manfully helping the mental exOH to dispose of some garden rubbish that I had told her was too wet to burn.
Got home from work to find OH and her neice about to pour petrol on a smouldering heap. Going into lecturing mode about the dangers of pouring petrol on said heap proceeded to do the job myself, skilfully going to the other end of the heap away from the smouldering rubbish and congratulating myself on being intelligent and safe. Poured petrol from can, slight whoompf?, smell of singed hair, petrol can ablaze arcing through the air with a blazing trail of petrol, me dancing around like a whirling dervish struggling to remove clothing, puffa jacket melting in front of my eyes, thinking "OH F
K you've really done it this time". Escaped with loss of facial hair and slight tenderness of exposed skin. Epic fail.
Note to self: Always check wind direction!
Silly cows stood in kitchen laughing their f
g heads off2. Removing a small retaining wall in sisters back garden. 10lb sledge hammer tapping stones to loosen them. Won't budge, oh well hit them a bit harder, still not moving, right, you buggers. Raise sledge hammer to a decent height brings it down with proper force. The only thing that moves is my body as the hammer comes to a full stop against this wall that my dear beloved sister who knows absolutely nothing about DIY, had built. Proper p****d off by now. swings hammer around and back over my head, I am going to destroy this f
g wall, as the hammer is approaching full velocity above my head an invisible force slows it down until it rebounds thanks to the plastic washing line I had failed to spot and proceeds to deal a glancing blow to my head and shoulder. Staggering about cursing and rubbing frantically the site of the injury I felt the warm flood of blood making it's way down my neck and chest. Feelig a little faint I sat down for a while at which point sis arrived home. Much shrieking and headless chicken behaviour followed. A few stitches and bandages later I enquired as to the mortar mix she had used to construct the wall. How much sand did you use? 2:1, 3:1? "What sand" she said.
Why Oh Why does most of the hurt in my life revolve around women?
I remember last year or so on a bike ride down one of them wide tarmac cycle paths and giving it all to race a friend and my feet came off the pedals. So I was riding along, shoes scraping on the floor and sat on the top tube. My shoes were fragile and my favourites, so I dumped the bike onto the grass to protect them. Next thing I know the grass is extremely bumpy and I'm hitting the headset with my penis area and flying over then handlebars after hitting a severe bump. It hurt and I knackered the back axle...
A gorgeous Maserati 3200 came through the Triangle in Bristol today when I was on my bike, making such a nice V8 burble I can only assume it was running sports exhausts or somesuch. Anyway, as he slowed for some traffic lights I overtook him and turned to give him a thumbs up....
...... and came within 2mm of cycling straight into a taxi. I just managed to swerve/stop in time, but only at the expense of my gentlmans area getting intimate with the crossbar as I threw my foot down to avoid falling over sidways.
And yes, the Maser driver saw it all.
...... and came within 2mm of cycling straight into a taxi. I just managed to swerve/stop in time, but only at the expense of my gentlmans area getting intimate with the crossbar as I threw my foot down to avoid falling over sidways.
And yes, the Maser driver saw it all.
I've got a couple, both involve knocking out two teeth.
First off, only last Friday i was out boozing, religious visit to the kebab shop and was wandering aimlessly back up towards taxi rank scoffing away. Didn't see the kerb stone in front of me and tripped over it. Now I'm faced with that old dilemma of releasing the contents of my hands to save myself from the fall or keep hold of the food and hope i land softly with my kebab intact. Needless to say i choose the latter. Snapped top two front teeth 2/3rds of the way up on a low wall, kebab all over my face. Had to have the teeth built up again today (bloody fantastic dentist i have by the way).
The other was a result of flying down a hill on my bike, (this is where the stupidity comes alive) deicide to spit out the fly that has just entered my mouth, Only i spit it out in front of me like a spaz and i ride through it again. This time it enters my left eye and i lose my vision momentarily. This is enough to send me careering into a bus shelter as I've taken my hands of the bars to scoop fly remnants out of my eye, most of the impact is into the plastic panels but my mouth whollops the support pole and by feck it hurt! blood everywhere and huge cut to the inside of my lip, two teeth broke. trip to A+E and dentist.
Finally this one involves a friend of mine, i have never laughed so much in all my life.
On a school trip to France we decide to punish my friend who had fallen asleep early in the hotel bedroom. Another friend has the idea of tipping out everyone's suitcase contents on top of sleeping beauty so that he sweats loads during the night(daft i know but it was funny at 15). We even put a chocolate bar on his forehead and it melted down his face. Now he is sleeping through the obvious heat of 4 suitcases full of clothing and 4 blankets on top of him and the laughter soon wears off. Our next plan is to creep up on him and after a 3-2-1 countdown and a fit of sniggering we shout at the top of our voices - ARGH FIRE FIRE FIRRREEEEEEEEEEEE GET UP DANIEL FIREEE. He awakes quite violently and dazed by the chocolate running down into his eyes and all the clothing on top of him he falls out of the top bunk and inflicts a massive gash on his eyebrow by hitting a bedside table on the way down. We thought he had just hit the carpet so were were howling with laughter until we saw the blood.
More of a practical joke really but we weren't expecting the blood, that was his own fault for falling out of bed.
First off, only last Friday i was out boozing, religious visit to the kebab shop and was wandering aimlessly back up towards taxi rank scoffing away. Didn't see the kerb stone in front of me and tripped over it. Now I'm faced with that old dilemma of releasing the contents of my hands to save myself from the fall or keep hold of the food and hope i land softly with my kebab intact. Needless to say i choose the latter. Snapped top two front teeth 2/3rds of the way up on a low wall, kebab all over my face. Had to have the teeth built up again today (bloody fantastic dentist i have by the way).
The other was a result of flying down a hill on my bike, (this is where the stupidity comes alive) deicide to spit out the fly that has just entered my mouth, Only i spit it out in front of me like a spaz and i ride through it again. This time it enters my left eye and i lose my vision momentarily. This is enough to send me careering into a bus shelter as I've taken my hands of the bars to scoop fly remnants out of my eye, most of the impact is into the plastic panels but my mouth whollops the support pole and by feck it hurt! blood everywhere and huge cut to the inside of my lip, two teeth broke. trip to A+E and dentist.
Finally this one involves a friend of mine, i have never laughed so much in all my life.
On a school trip to France we decide to punish my friend who had fallen asleep early in the hotel bedroom. Another friend has the idea of tipping out everyone's suitcase contents on top of sleeping beauty so that he sweats loads during the night(daft i know but it was funny at 15). We even put a chocolate bar on his forehead and it melted down his face. Now he is sleeping through the obvious heat of 4 suitcases full of clothing and 4 blankets on top of him and the laughter soon wears off. Our next plan is to creep up on him and after a 3-2-1 countdown and a fit of sniggering we shout at the top of our voices - ARGH FIRE FIRE FIRRREEEEEEEEEEEE GET UP DANIEL FIREEE. He awakes quite violently and dazed by the chocolate running down into his eyes and all the clothing on top of him he falls out of the top bunk and inflicts a massive gash on his eyebrow by hitting a bedside table on the way down. We thought he had just hit the carpet so were were howling with laughter until we saw the blood.
More of a practical joke really but we weren't expecting the blood, that was his own fault for falling out of bed.
dazwalsh said:
First off, only last Friday i was out boozing, religious visit to the kebab shop and was wandering aimlessly back up towards taxi rank scoffing away. Didn't see the kerb stone in front of me and tripped over it. Now I'm faced with that old dilemma of releasing the contents of my hands to save myself from the fall or keep hold of the food and hope i land softly with my kebab intact. Needless to say i choose the latter. Snapped top two front teeth 2/3rds of the way up on a low wall, kebab all over my face. Had to have the teeth built up again today (bloody fantastic dentist i have by the way).
reminds me of when we were having our extension done. The main bricky had a holiday booked for a week about a third of the way through the build (may have been a stag do, cant remember) anyway, after a week he came back to the house to commence work with a split lip, 2 black eyes and a cracked cheek bone, ouch. After some chatting to him, it turned out he was walking back to his hotel after a heavy night and he was a bit chilly so he had his hands in his jeans pockets, fell down a set of concrete steps between 2 buildings and couldnt take his hands out of his pockets so landed face first while falling forwards down the steps 
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