Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
Chap in our local drinking group refers to his wife as 12.
I finally plucked up the courage to ask him why, as most of the others use scrag end or her indoors etc, her ind it sems such an unusual name .
He replied She dozen do any cooking, she dozen do any ironing, she dozen do cleaning......and listed another nine activities
I just said That's gross.
I finally plucked up the courage to ask him why, as most of the others use scrag end or her indoors etc, her ind it sems such an unusual name .
He replied She dozen do any cooking, she dozen do any ironing, she dozen do cleaning......and listed another nine activities
I just said That's gross.
Berta and Ethel. two older ladies were outside smoking when it started to rain.
Berta reached into her purse and pulled out a condom with the tip cut off. She slid the condom over the cigarette and resumed smoking.
“I always carry a condom to put on my cigarettes when it starts to rain,” she said.
Thinking this was a terrific idea, the next day Ethel went to the pharmacy to buy condoms.
She'd never done this before, so she asked a clerk for some help.
“Of course, ma'am," said the clerk. “What size do you need?"
Ethel replied, "Oh, I don't know, but it needs to fit a Camel.”
Berta reached into her purse and pulled out a condom with the tip cut off. She slid the condom over the cigarette and resumed smoking.
“I always carry a condom to put on my cigarettes when it starts to rain,” she said.
Thinking this was a terrific idea, the next day Ethel went to the pharmacy to buy condoms.
She'd never done this before, so she asked a clerk for some help.
“Of course, ma'am," said the clerk. “What size do you need?"
Ethel replied, "Oh, I don't know, but it needs to fit a Camel.”
Roger was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing and sit on the porch filling out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but also the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
The moral of the story:
Always vote carefully…the bells are not always audible.
He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing and sit on the porch filling out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but also the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
The moral of the story:
Always vote carefully…the bells are not always audible.
silverfoxcc said:
Chap in our local drinking group refers to his wife as 12.
I finally plucked up the courage to ask him why, as most of the others use scrag end or her indoors etc, her ind it sems such an unusual name .
He replied She dozen do any cooking, she dozen do any ironing, she dozen do cleaning......and listed another nine activities
I just said That's gross.
I refer to my wife as Five Horses because all she does is Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag.I finally plucked up the courage to ask him why, as most of the others use scrag end or her indoors etc, her ind it sems such an unusual name .
He replied She dozen do any cooking, she dozen do any ironing, she dozen do cleaning......and listed another nine activities
I just said That's gross.
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and as he peered into the hole a loud voice from above said,
There are no fish down there.”
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?”
No, you jackass,” the voice said.
“It’s the ice rink manager.”
There are no fish down there.”
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?”
No, you jackass,” the voice said.
“It’s the ice rink manager.”
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