I just sneezed and...
Discussion
I remember being in PE at school, running towards a trampette in order to vault a 5ft horse. Foot stuck in edge of trampette, teeth first into wooden horse. Blood everywhere. Ow.
A few years ago the clutch went on the Tuscan and I had to push it to safety. Left hand on steering wheel, right on A-pillar, right foot splayed out to the right to give power, left foot slips, car already moving, left foot under rear right tyre, car passes slowly and painfully over foot which is now inner ankle side down on the tarmac. Good job the clutch had gone as I think I'd have struggled to push it after that. Daft b*stard.
More recently changed a rear caliper on a mates Mondeo. Bolts completely seized, except for the exact moment when they unseized that is, at which point I had full backwards pressure on the ratchet. Slip! I didn't realise a plastic trim could tear a hole in an arm so easily..
A few years ago the clutch went on the Tuscan and I had to push it to safety. Left hand on steering wheel, right on A-pillar, right foot splayed out to the right to give power, left foot slips, car already moving, left foot under rear right tyre, car passes slowly and painfully over foot which is now inner ankle side down on the tarmac. Good job the clutch had gone as I think I'd have struggled to push it after that. Daft b*stard.
More recently changed a rear caliper on a mates Mondeo. Bolts completely seized, except for the exact moment when they unseized that is, at which point I had full backwards pressure on the ratchet. Slip! I didn't realise a plastic trim could tear a hole in an arm so easily..
When I lived in the US 10 years ago, as all rednecks do I bought myself a pump action shotgun. Being California, this was limited to holding 3 (IIRC) shells, but this was only achieved by having a wooden bung in the part that holds the cartridges.
Being the bright spark that I am, I decided to get rid of the bung so I could load 5 shells in there. I carefully unscrewed the end-cap until it reached it's final turn on the thread when the sodding thing flew off, firing said wooden bung into my lip at some considerable velocity. A split lip, two broken teeth and an awful lot of blood later and I finally got the job done.
Being the bright spark that I am, I decided to get rid of the bung so I could load 5 shells in there. I carefully unscrewed the end-cap until it reached it's final turn on the thread when the sodding thing flew off, firing said wooden bung into my lip at some considerable velocity. A split lip, two broken teeth and an awful lot of blood later and I finally got the job done.
JREwing said:
I had a friend who decided to turn off his engine whilst coasting downhill, and also to entirely remove the key (he never knew why).
Of course, the steering lock clicked on and cue one wrecked Astra in a field.
i think even if you leave the key in, if it's on '0' then the steering can still lock if you turn the wheel? Maybe that's just some cars...Of course, the steering lock clicked on and cue one wrecked Astra in a field.
I was cleaning my chimney and i had a blanket over the mantelpeice, this was weighted down with heavy engineering bricks, the brush got stuck so i popped my head under the blanket to see whats what, one of the bricks fell around four feet and landed on my thumb splitting the skin, annilating the nail and splitting the bone, ive broke both my arms ,ribs ,nose, toes but this was by far the most painful thing ive ever done, three years on and my thumb is 80% there, sad thing is i played the Drums for 27 years and that ended that, both my kits are in the loft as ive not been able to play since
apart from that it was pretty funny looking back on it, i was in A&E sat next to a guy who had been grinding on a car, his mate had wlked past and tripped over the cable.
apart from that it was pretty funny looking back on it, i was in A&E sat next to a guy who had been grinding on a car, his mate had wlked past and tripped over the cable.Issi said:
I once sneezed at the very same moment that the light bulb blew. For a panicky couple of seconds I genuinely thought I'd gone blind.
It also happened once when pulling a heavy jumper over my head, started in full light, finished in pitch blackness. Scary!
i was having the preliminary discussion with the nurse when i was about to go in to have my eyes lasered. Just as I was about to respond her question, was I nervous, the lightbulb blew. Despite me being actually reasonably nervous, she completely freaked out saying it was a sign and that I shouldn't go through with it. I ended up having to try and calm her down, the daft trout. It also happened once when pulling a heavy jumper over my head, started in full light, finished in pitch blackness. Scary!
I have just done one now, Working in a hotel I was coming into reception after some spotty teens where looking for a room for a night where I told them no.
Went to close the door behind me and me dumb ass that I am pulled the door shut behind me not realising that it has a quick release and the door slamming my wrist in, I shouted and swore at the top of my lungs in reception, some old lady looked at me and said this "Not very professional is it" I held my tounge but was so tempted to tell her to f
k right off.
Now sat here looking miserable in reception with a ice pack on my wrist swollen and bruised already... No whhhhay am I going to get it x-ray'd on crimbo day, that would be enough pain as the wrist.
One from a couple of years ago, when I lived in Spain we all had bikes, We had a house party one day (great night) Next morning woke up about 12pm and my 2 mates and their girl friends where sat at the table with one of their mates sat next to them, They asked if they could have lifts down to the main road on the back of the bikes. I only had a KTM 125 super motard, so on jumps my ex-girlfriend and I take her down with my 2 mates and their girlfriends (on their own bikes) Then we realised that there was one girl left at the house that someone had to bring her down. Let's just say she was a bit of a heavy one, so me and my mates did rock, paper, scissors to find out who would bring her down, My mate Danny lost he had a Aprillia RS125 - So off we go back to the house and my mate puts this lump on the back of his bike, drives off about 10 mins past we was wondering where the hell he had got to so we went to investigate. There is a very sharp hill that he has to go down with a sharp right hander going up a hill, basically to cut a story short he had gone down the hill skidded on some loose gravel and him and chubster where in the middle of the road with his bike over the curb and into a dry river bed. Me & my other friend where in in balls of laughter because we knew they where ok at this point, Chubber was crying somewhat from a graze on her leg. the dry river bed is a 25ft drop from where it went in, we had to call the fire brigade to get it out with a crane then ovb the police came and we just couldnt hold it together laughing was a under-statement. Bike was a total write off and he only had it about 3 weeks from new. Slip crash sally has been her name for the past 5 years.
excuse all the bad spelling and grammer, I am in a grump mood from the first one and im typing with one hand because of the first thing I put on this post.
Went to close the door behind me and me dumb ass that I am pulled the door shut behind me not realising that it has a quick release and the door slamming my wrist in, I shouted and swore at the top of my lungs in reception, some old lady looked at me and said this "Not very professional is it" I held my tounge but was so tempted to tell her to f
k right off. Now sat here looking miserable in reception with a ice pack on my wrist swollen and bruised already... No whhhhay am I going to get it x-ray'd on crimbo day, that would be enough pain as the wrist.
One from a couple of years ago, when I lived in Spain we all had bikes, We had a house party one day (great night) Next morning woke up about 12pm and my 2 mates and their girl friends where sat at the table with one of their mates sat next to them, They asked if they could have lifts down to the main road on the back of the bikes. I only had a KTM 125 super motard, so on jumps my ex-girlfriend and I take her down with my 2 mates and their girlfriends (on their own bikes) Then we realised that there was one girl left at the house that someone had to bring her down. Let's just say she was a bit of a heavy one, so me and my mates did rock, paper, scissors to find out who would bring her down, My mate Danny lost he had a Aprillia RS125 - So off we go back to the house and my mate puts this lump on the back of his bike, drives off about 10 mins past we was wondering where the hell he had got to so we went to investigate. There is a very sharp hill that he has to go down with a sharp right hander going up a hill, basically to cut a story short he had gone down the hill skidded on some loose gravel and him and chubster where in the middle of the road with his bike over the curb and into a dry river bed. Me & my other friend where in in balls of laughter because we knew they where ok at this point, Chubber was crying somewhat from a graze on her leg. the dry river bed is a 25ft drop from where it went in, we had to call the fire brigade to get it out with a crane then ovb the police came and we just couldnt hold it together laughing was a under-statement. Bike was a total write off and he only had it about 3 weeks from new. Slip crash sally has been her name for the past 5 years.
excuse all the bad spelling and grammer, I am in a grump mood from the first one and im typing with one hand because of the first thing I put on this post.
Missus tries to throw a 12 pack of loo roll up the stairs, loses her footing and falls flat on her face, looks up "ouch..", just as the bog roll (which came up short) lands on the back of her head, driving her face back into the ground.
I tried stage diving at a mates gig, problem was they were rubbish and there were only 2 people in the audience. 6 stitches in my chin.
I tried stage diving at a mates gig, problem was they were rubbish and there were only 2 people in the audience. 6 stitches in my chin.
Edited by Flood on Sunday 30th December 08:01
2 kid related ones from me...
1) Jan 5th this year, my second daughter had just been born. High as a kite I leave wife and new baby at hospital to nip home to have a shower. I take a shortcut across some grass while carrying wife's coat, bag and some bottles of water. I slip in comedy fashion and hit the deck flat on my back. Totally winded I lie there for a minute or two to catch my breath and return to the car where I have to take my trousers off as they're sodden and muddy. On way home I'm stopped by the police for a dead rear light. When he asks me to join him in the police car I politely decline and point out I'm wearing jacket, tie, shirt, shoes, socks and y-fronts - no trousers. I explain, copper pisses himself and sends me on my way.
Fast forward 2 days. We're on our way to inlaws to show off baby. I start feeling weird. Really weird. Pull over as I genuinely can't drive. I'm pale, sweaty and stting myself. It has all the hallmarks of a heart attack. My heart is pounding and throbbing. Oh st.
Drop kids at inlaws and father in law immediately drives me to A&E. Straight in, no fuss, the NHS at its finest. Within 30 minutes I've had an ECG, blood taken and a whole upper body/chest xray. Everything is fine.
They make me stay in overnight for observation. Worst night of my life, guy in next bed dies at about 2am, another has his 3rd heart attack in 24hrs and is wheeled away not to return. My wife is at home, alone, new baby thinking husband is about to die. Got home at 9am next morning. ECG fine, bloods fine, xrays clear, nothing to worry about.
Fast forward another 2 days. My heart is aching, feels weird. Wife suggests I go to see her physio to see if its muscular. I walk into physio and she lies me down and has a feel around. Asks some odd questions about what I was carrying when I fell the day of the birth. I tell her and she laughs. She walks out of the room and comes back in with a 1.5l bottle of Evian. Holds it up to my chest. Laughs again.
When I'd left hospital I'd been carrying an unopened 6 pack of 1.5l evian bottles. When I fell they'd hit me right on the heart and bruised my pectoral muscle very deeply and very badly. All the aching, throbbing, pain etc had been this very deep muscle bruise. You could even feel it if you pressed hard enough, felt like a cartoon smile, exactly the size of half the bottom of an Evian bottle... tt.
2) A few weeks later I'm holding new baby girl over 4 year old daughter's face. Baby vomits into 4 year old's mouth. 4 year old vomits while lying on her back all over her own face. I vomit all over 4 year old's hair. Wife not happy when she came into the room.
All 3 of us into the bath, had to use toe to force all the barf down the plug. tt 2.
1) Jan 5th this year, my second daughter had just been born. High as a kite I leave wife and new baby at hospital to nip home to have a shower. I take a shortcut across some grass while carrying wife's coat, bag and some bottles of water. I slip in comedy fashion and hit the deck flat on my back. Totally winded I lie there for a minute or two to catch my breath and return to the car where I have to take my trousers off as they're sodden and muddy. On way home I'm stopped by the police for a dead rear light. When he asks me to join him in the police car I politely decline and point out I'm wearing jacket, tie, shirt, shoes, socks and y-fronts - no trousers. I explain, copper pisses himself and sends me on my way.
Fast forward 2 days. We're on our way to inlaws to show off baby. I start feeling weird. Really weird. Pull over as I genuinely can't drive. I'm pale, sweaty and s
tting myself. It has all the hallmarks of a heart attack. My heart is pounding and throbbing. Oh st.Drop kids at inlaws and father in law immediately drives me to A&E. Straight in, no fuss, the NHS at its finest. Within 30 minutes I've had an ECG, blood taken and a whole upper body/chest xray. Everything is fine.
They make me stay in overnight for observation. Worst night of my life, guy in next bed dies at about 2am, another has his 3rd heart attack in 24hrs and is wheeled away not to return. My wife is at home, alone, new baby thinking husband is about to die. Got home at 9am next morning. ECG fine, bloods fine, xrays clear, nothing to worry about.
Fast forward another 2 days. My heart is aching, feels weird. Wife suggests I go to see her physio to see if its muscular. I walk into physio and she lies me down and has a feel around. Asks some odd questions about what I was carrying when I fell the day of the birth. I tell her and she laughs. She walks out of the room and comes back in with a 1.5l bottle of Evian. Holds it up to my chest. Laughs again.
When I'd left hospital I'd been carrying an unopened 6 pack of 1.5l evian bottles. When I fell they'd hit me right on the heart and bruised my pectoral muscle very deeply and very badly. All the aching, throbbing, pain etc had been this very deep muscle bruise. You could even feel it if you pressed hard enough, felt like a cartoon smile, exactly the size of half the bottom of an Evian bottle... t
t.2) A few weeks later I'm holding new baby girl over 4 year old daughter's face. Baby vomits into 4 year old's mouth. 4 year old vomits while lying on her back all over her own face. I vomit all over 4 year old's hair. Wife not happy when she came into the room.
All 3 of us into the bath, had to use toe to force all the barf down the plug. t
t 2.benjj said:
Baby vomits into 4 year old's mouth. 4 year old vomits while lying on her back all over her own face. I vomit all over 4 year old's hair. Wife not happy when she came into the room.
Managed to disguise laughter as coughing, just. Glad there are not many people in my office today - Only one person asked if I was OKHeard a good one one the Radio a few years ago, a listener had phoned in to tell his embarrassing story, he had been in to give blood and had spent the entire time chatting up the Nurse, he was going great guns with her and when she had finished he got off the couch and was about to ask her out, at this point he fainted, when he came to he was back on the couch having lost his two front teeth and pissed himself, the Nurse wouldn't look him in the face again.
The teenage me. Drilling up from beneath the parcel shelf of my beloved Allegro (yes I know) to fit speakers, get an eyefull of swarf which I wisely proceeded to rub in for good measure. Three days of BLs' finest steel festering in my eyeball later, I'm having the shards tweezered out in A&E, how we laughed.
Distractedly pressed the button of a WD40 can while peering down its tube, that smarted a tad.
Got a Mayfly (those black hairy jobs that all emerge on one day in spring) in each eye simultaneously while cycling full pelt without glasses, on a busy road. Those buggers really sting as many keen cyclists can confirm. Luckily wound up harmlessly inside a roadside privet hedge.
Distractedly pressed the button of a WD40 can while peering down its tube, that smarted a tad.
Got a Mayfly (those black hairy jobs that all emerge on one day in spring) in each eye simultaneously while cycling full pelt without glasses, on a busy road. Those buggers really sting as many keen cyclists can confirm. Luckily wound up harmlessly inside a roadside privet hedge.
Very nice thread, this. Sadly I've not been alive that long, nor am I stunningly thick, so nothing particularly stupid, unfortunate and amusing has happened to me, but I hope this tale is worthy of sharing.
At school a few weeks ago I witnessed a little argument between two Year 8 pupils. The argument reached a point where one kid pushed the other kid and the kid who had just been pushed decided the appopriate action to take would be to hurl a large stone at his opponent's face. I don't think we have many especially large stones lying around the grounds of my school, but this kid managed to find a decent-sized one. He picked this stone up and went to lift it above his head but somehow missed and smacked himself square in the face, causing a black eye, a nosebleed, an ambulance and hearty laughter from all the spectators.
At school a few weeks ago I witnessed a little argument between two Year 8 pupils. The argument reached a point where one kid pushed the other kid and the kid who had just been pushed decided the appopriate action to take would be to hurl a large stone at his opponent's face. I don't think we have many especially large stones lying around the grounds of my school, but this kid managed to find a decent-sized one. He picked this stone up and went to lift it above his head but somehow missed and smacked himself square in the face, causing a black eye, a nosebleed, an ambulance and hearty laughter from all the spectators.
Early 90's went to Blackpool with a girl from college, went into Harry Ramsdens for some lunch, it was packed out, sat down meal arrived etc, excellent. Pick up ketchup and gave it a shake, I was greated by a slap of something cold in my right ear, took a few moments to realise and another couple of shakes.. the lid had parted company with with the bottle 
There was an initial silence fell over the place followed by a st load of laughing. I had pretty much emptied the bottle of ketchup over the 8 people sat at the table to my right, myself and the people behind me. I think what completed it was the blind guy sat at the table next to me says in a dead pan voice to his mate, "is that tomato I can smell?"
The clean up operation was significant and very embarrassing!
Paying the bill at the end the manager had to serve me as none of the waitresses could keep a straight face, "I hear you had a slight problem with your meal sir?"
The girl I was with was not impressed...
I do now always check the lid of the ketchup before shaking.
There was an initial silence fell over the place followed by a s
t load of laughing. I had pretty much emptied the bottle of ketchup over the 8 people sat at the table to my right, myself and the people behind me. I think what completed it was the blind guy sat at the table next to me says in a dead pan voice to his mate, "is that tomato I can smell?" The clean up operation was significant and very embarrassing!
Paying the bill at the end the manager had to serve me as none of the waitresses could keep a straight face, "I hear you had a slight problem with your meal sir?"
The girl I was with was not impressed...
I do now always check the lid of the ketchup before shaking.
Epic.
I'm reminded of a similar situation involving less stupidity on my part. I'd bought a reduced bottle of smoothie which was clearly past its best. As I went to pack it there was a weird pop and I pretty much fell to the floor. The lid had exploded off the (presumably fermented) bottle and hit me in the eye, knocking me down more out of surprise than anything. There was a little splash on the ceiling of Sainsburys too... Remarkable force!
The cashier apologised profusely, saying "that was quite funny". I wasn't particularly bothered but it would have been nice for them to offer me a free bottle or something... nada!
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff