Discussion
I lost my Dad 3 years ago, and was lucky to be able to tell him that I loved him and that he'd made me the person that I am now before he went.
Thanks to all for your good wishes and support. Sorry if I triggered some sad memories in the original post for some of you.
I am not doing bad, but mainly because I have to be positive for others that are a bit crumbly and the fact that I am off my feet at work. I managed to sing along with Tears in Heaven on the radio on the way back from the hospital without breaking down, so I guess I will be ok whilst remaining positive. The quiet moments are the worst - going to bed last night was not the greatest, and I think Friday night could be a bit grim - we tended to catch up at the end of each week at least, wherever in the world I was. It will hit me hard at some stage, but at the moment I am dealing with it.
Funeral is next Thursday. That will be a toughy. I will be writing a eulogy, but I have to consider that even though I have special moments with him, others will have too, including my two older brothers and mum. At present, one is in floods of tears all the time, and the other permanently pissed, so I guess I will have to speak for them. Each to their own I guess.
Weekend will be over to mums and get the order of service booklet built to her wishes and off to the printers, and the music CD for the service. He had a very varied taste in music, so it could be anything from Hoagy Charmichael to Queen or Adele when I dig the paperwork out of the safe!
I hope it is the Birdy Song or Agadoo rather than Bet Bloody Midler again!.
Cheers all, remembering the good times...
I am not doing bad, but mainly because I have to be positive for others that are a bit crumbly and the fact that I am off my feet at work. I managed to sing along with Tears in Heaven on the radio on the way back from the hospital without breaking down, so I guess I will be ok whilst remaining positive. The quiet moments are the worst - going to bed last night was not the greatest, and I think Friday night could be a bit grim - we tended to catch up at the end of each week at least, wherever in the world I was. It will hit me hard at some stage, but at the moment I am dealing with it.
Funeral is next Thursday. That will be a toughy. I will be writing a eulogy, but I have to consider that even though I have special moments with him, others will have too, including my two older brothers and mum. At present, one is in floods of tears all the time, and the other permanently pissed, so I guess I will have to speak for them. Each to their own I guess.
Weekend will be over to mums and get the order of service booklet built to her wishes and off to the printers, and the music CD for the service. He had a very varied taste in music, so it could be anything from Hoagy Charmichael to Queen or Adele when I dig the paperwork out of the safe!
I hope it is the Birdy Song or Agadoo rather than Bet Bloody Midler again!.
Cheers all, remembering the good times...
Really sorry for your loss OP - the words here have me in tears! I lost my dad last November to cancer - he was only 52 and was my best friend. Like you, he taught me so much, was a self made man (I'm now continuing his business) and taught me pretty much everything I know. One thing I will say is, don't try to be strong for others - look after yourself (I'm finding this out the hard way!!) and try to visit your mam as often as possible! My parents were together 30+ years and to say my mam is lost is somewhat of an understatement - so your mam will no doubt be the same or worse!
Take joy from the good memories, try not to dwell on the bad. If there's anything you can keep as good reminders - keep them. I've sold my race car to race dads - couldn't bare to sell it in the end! Make the funeral a celabration of his life - I'm sure he'd rather everyone remember the good times!
Oh, and raise a glass to him on Friday when you'd normally see him, I'm sure he'll look down with a smile as he's supping his glass upstairs!
Sincere condolences, Dave.
Take joy from the good memories, try not to dwell on the bad. If there's anything you can keep as good reminders - keep them. I've sold my race car to race dads - couldn't bare to sell it in the end! Make the funeral a celabration of his life - I'm sure he'd rather everyone remember the good times!
Oh, and raise a glass to him on Friday when you'd normally see him, I'm sure he'll look down with a smile as he's supping his glass upstairs!
Sincere condolences, Dave.
ctsdave said:
Really sorry for your loss OP - the words here have me in tears! I lost my dad last November to cancer - he was only 52 and was my best friend. Like you, he taught me so much, was a self made man (I'm now continuing his business) and taught me pretty much everything I know. One thing I will say is, don't try to be strong for others - look after yourself (I'm finding this out the hard way!!) and try to visit your mam as often as possible! My parents were together 30+ years and to say my mam is lost is somewhat of an understatement - so your mam will no doubt be the same or worse!
Take joy from the good memories, try not to dwell on the bad. If there's anything you can keep as good reminders - keep them. I've sold my race car to race dads - couldn't bare to sell it in the end! Make the funeral a celabration of his life - I'm sure he'd rather everyone remember the good times!
Oh, and raise a glass to him on Friday when you'd normally see him, I'm sure he'll look down with a smile as he's supping his glass upstairs!
Sincere condolences, Dave.
Nasty illness, and way too young. I feel for you.Take joy from the good memories, try not to dwell on the bad. If there's anything you can keep as good reminders - keep them. I've sold my race car to race dads - couldn't bare to sell it in the end! Make the funeral a celabration of his life - I'm sure he'd rather everyone remember the good times!
Oh, and raise a glass to him on Friday when you'd normally see him, I'm sure he'll look down with a smile as he's supping his glass upstairs!
Sincere condolences, Dave.
By the way, my dad didn't drink. He gave up when he started his business before the money started coming in properly. And the reason?...
He couldn't afford to drink and put petrol in the car to take his family out, so he didn't drink any more.
About a week before he died, we were in the hospital and he said "I could murder a brown ale" and he meant it. I said I would take him one in, but he said no, we could all go to the pub with the nursing staff when he got out. The worst part of that was, I knew by then he wasn't coming out.
One night, still knowing he was not gonna make it, I sat with him for an hour, with him struggling to breathe and talking to me through a two sources of oxygen and all sorts of other intravenous kit, listening to him planning for the future, and my lying through my teeth to try to keep him positive. If you want a lesson in holding it all together, give that a go. It was a bit of a mess in the car park later I can tell you...
I feel for you! We got about 5/6 weeks notice that there was nothing more the docs could do - and dad still went to the racing dinner and dance just a month before he died - and he did it not to say goodbye to friends, but because he knew I wanted him to go. Before we knew the end was definate, we were all thinking positive and planning the future - but the look of fear in my dads eyes when he knew the end was nay is something I'll never forget! He got his wish to die at home, and my mam, sister and me sat at his bedside the whole night before he died with dad just looking at us. Dad was quite stubborn though - he wanted to see 30 years since he was engaged to mam and died that very morning.
If experiences are to be similar - you will know doubt find out a lot about how your dad helped so many people and the memories different people will hold I've found to be very helpful in grieving. Stories I've heard from old customers etc how he helped them in their time of need has been astonishing - and it sounds like your dad was much the same!
I hope things go well at the funeral (as well as they can given the circumstances!) and my thoughts are with your family too.
If experiences are to be similar - you will know doubt find out a lot about how your dad helped so many people and the memories different people will hold I've found to be very helpful in grieving. Stories I've heard from old customers etc how he helped them in their time of need has been astonishing - and it sounds like your dad was much the same!
I hope things go well at the funeral (as well as they can given the circumstances!) and my thoughts are with your family too.
My Dad died almost two years ago from cancer though it was only diagnosed post mortem. He was in his sixties. I still miss him greatly and feel sad about it sometimes, though time does make handling those feelings easier. The funeral will be tough. It is a good idea to make a eulogy if you can. I found it hard on the day but remembering what I said about my Dad does help in the dark times.
You and your family have my great sympathy.
David
You and your family have my great sympathy.
David
Tomorrow's the day at 1:45.
I have been celebrating his entire life rather than focusing on my loss, and it seems to work. Sure, I have been very busy at work with 3 shows in 5 days at different venues, and a lot of other stuff. I have visited him twice in the chapel of rest for a natter in the 5 days he has been available there (which is quite a way from me or it would have been a bit more often), and to update him on how Mum is doing. I have been doing quite a bit with her too.
The odd thing is, all has been ok with the old emotions so far. Tomorrow is the big test at the crematorium. I have a 7 minute eulogy to read, but frankly I do not see it being a problem. I have written it, edited and re-edited it, rehearsed and rehearsed over the last week, and I am having no problems - but it is a pretty positive and supportive speech I guess.
It is not that it has not hit home - it did that straight away when he stopped breathing. Perhaps it is because I have absolutely no guilt or regrets that we could have done it better together - maybe unlike my brothers who may well have regrets, and have either climbed into a bottle, or are bursting into tears every 5 minutes. I had some tears when he had just died, and I had to say goodbye when I left his room. I had a couple more (stifled) visiting him at the chapel of rest with my daughters who were in bits and their grief affected me - but I needed to be strong for them, which was hard, but I think I got away with it.
But I feel kind of "guilty" after the brilliant life we shared, and the fact that I am not beside myself with grief and missing him. It's bloody odd, not at all what I have feared for years.
Guess there is still time, but there is absolutely no sign. I can talk about him in any way I want with anyone who will listen and be ok - I am not in denial - far from it, everyone must be pissed off with me going on about him. I know what happened, I know that it was his time, and probably the best for him not to continue. But I just don't understand not being devastated - everyone else is.
Wierd.
I have been celebrating his entire life rather than focusing on my loss, and it seems to work. Sure, I have been very busy at work with 3 shows in 5 days at different venues, and a lot of other stuff. I have visited him twice in the chapel of rest for a natter in the 5 days he has been available there (which is quite a way from me or it would have been a bit more often), and to update him on how Mum is doing. I have been doing quite a bit with her too.
The odd thing is, all has been ok with the old emotions so far. Tomorrow is the big test at the crematorium. I have a 7 minute eulogy to read, but frankly I do not see it being a problem. I have written it, edited and re-edited it, rehearsed and rehearsed over the last week, and I am having no problems - but it is a pretty positive and supportive speech I guess.
It is not that it has not hit home - it did that straight away when he stopped breathing. Perhaps it is because I have absolutely no guilt or regrets that we could have done it better together - maybe unlike my brothers who may well have regrets, and have either climbed into a bottle, or are bursting into tears every 5 minutes. I had some tears when he had just died, and I had to say goodbye when I left his room. I had a couple more (stifled) visiting him at the chapel of rest with my daughters who were in bits and their grief affected me - but I needed to be strong for them, which was hard, but I think I got away with it.
But I feel kind of "guilty" after the brilliant life we shared, and the fact that I am not beside myself with grief and missing him. It's bloody odd, not at all what I have feared for years.
Guess there is still time, but there is absolutely no sign. I can talk about him in any way I want with anyone who will listen and be ok - I am not in denial - far from it, everyone must be pissed off with me going on about him. I know what happened, I know that it was his time, and probably the best for him not to continue. But I just don't understand not being devastated - everyone else is.
Wierd.
... don't be. The day of my wife's cremation was very similar for me to. I to didn't feel guilt (and I still dont some 4 months later). The thing to remember is that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to feel about this, or to go through tomorrow. Everyone there will have their own thoughts and emotions.
In fact I will go so far as to say that being the way you are at the moment may well be the steadying hand and calming voice required to see everyone through tomorrow. I cried for a few moments when a favourite song played, other family members were having full blown wailing fits... it really is very personal and you'll do it your way. Do what's right for you and say goodbye in the way that is important... but if, in your mind's eye, you have already said goodbye and tomorrow is something different, then that's ok to. It is what it is. When you stand there and give your eulogy, let the words come from the place inside of you that's important.
(oh and one last tip if you read this before the morning, print off two copies and give the second copy to someone close just in case and print it off in a very big font, double spaced and single sided.) I hope tomorrow goes well for you, in as much as these big life events can ever go 'well'. All the best. DMN
In fact I will go so far as to say that being the way you are at the moment may well be the steadying hand and calming voice required to see everyone through tomorrow. I cried for a few moments when a favourite song played, other family members were having full blown wailing fits... it really is very personal and you'll do it your way. Do what's right for you and say goodbye in the way that is important... but if, in your mind's eye, you have already said goodbye and tomorrow is something different, then that's ok to. It is what it is. When you stand there and give your eulogy, let the words come from the place inside of you that's important.
(oh and one last tip if you read this before the morning, print off two copies and give the second copy to someone close just in case and print it off in a very big font, double spaced and single sided.) I hope tomorrow goes well for you, in as much as these big life events can ever go 'well'. All the best. DMN
I was going to post first thing Kev, but I'm awake now...
Will be thinking of you today, all of us here will be I'm sure
Stay true to your wonderful Dad and to yourself.
As I told an Ex when he went through this, remember that it is okay to lose your strength, it may even help the rest of your family to not be able to rely on you for a few minutes/hours and have to pull themselves together & remember that your loss is as great as theirs...
Will be thinking of you today, all of us here will be I'm sure
Stay true to your wonderful Dad and to yourself.
As I told an Ex when he went through this, remember that it is okay to lose your strength, it may even help the rest of your family to not be able to rely on you for a few minutes/hours and have to pull themselves together & remember that your loss is as great as theirs...
SeeFive said:
stuff
hope none of the below sounds weird or offends -do you feel strange, like you're supposed to feel and act a certain way, and you almost feel obliged to conform to the feelings that people are expecting you to feel, but in fact just feel numb. your normal day to day routine is just turned upside down somewhat, and normal life just seems almost like a tv show thats playing in the background. at least that's how such events have hit me
AlVal said:
hope none of the below sounds weird or offends -
do you feel strange, like you're supposed to feel and act a certain way, and you almost feel obliged to conform to the feelings that people are expecting you to feel, but in fact just feel numb. your normal day to day routine is just turned upside down somewhat, and normal life just seems almost like a tv show thats playing in the background. at least that's how such events have hit me
I'd say that is fairly normal. Coping with things outside 'normal'.do you feel strange, like you're supposed to feel and act a certain way, and you almost feel obliged to conform to the feelings that people are expecting you to feel, but in fact just feel numb. your normal day to day routine is just turned upside down somewhat, and normal life just seems almost like a tv show thats playing in the background. at least that's how such events have hit me
eldar said:
AlVal said:
hope none of the below sounds weird or offends -
do you feel strange, like you're supposed to feel and act a certain way, and you almost feel obliged to conform to the feelings that people are expecting you to feel, but in fact just feel numb. your normal day to day routine is just turned upside down somewhat, and normal life just seems almost like a tv show thats playing in the background. at least that's how such events have hit me
I'd say that is fairly normal. Coping with things outside 'normal'.do you feel strange, like you're supposed to feel and act a certain way, and you almost feel obliged to conform to the feelings that people are expecting you to feel, but in fact just feel numb. your normal day to day routine is just turned upside down somewhat, and normal life just seems almost like a tv show thats playing in the background. at least that's how such events have hit me
SeeFive said:
Wierd.
Not wierd at all. I was the same. It was a year ago today that we buried my Dad and I've had a few 'with him' tonight so apologies if I ramble.....I too did a eulogy - one slightly different as we were masonic brothers as well as father/son and it was his wish he have a masonic memorial at his funeral. Like you I rehearsed it (I didn't have to write it because it is an old piece of masonic ritual), but I felt wrong because I was able to hold it all together and deliver it whilst others couldn't cope.
I miss him terribly but I've never had the wailing grief that everyone told me I'd have or that I suppose I was expected to have. We too shared a brilliant life and were very close, that is what I fixate on I suppose.
Grief is such a personal issue I wouldn't worry about how you are 'supposed' to act. You and you alone know how much you loved him and what he meant to you and you to him. The fact you don't burst into tears every 5 minutes means jack s
t. Its obvious from your posts that you doted on each other. Not everyone has that relationship with their father - you and I are privileged I think because we did.I hope today was a celebration of his life. I think about my Dad every day, I talk to him when I can, I remember him at every masonic meeting I attend but life has to go on on, for you and your family.
Not everyone has so many good memories to treasure - make sure you treasure yours and keep his spirit alive.
Thanks for all the thoughts and good wishes folks. Sorry about not replying earlier, it's been a bit mental with the funeral, work commitments and my wife's birthday yesterday.
Thursday went as well as could be expected, packed chapel, not a dry eye in the house etc. Got something in my eye a couple of times, but no drama or floods. Lots from others. Did a SEVEN minute eulogy on his life, and trying to help people focus on his life rather than his passing which seemed to lift people. then straight onto Psalm 23, which kind of spoiled the moment... It wasn't difficult to keep it all together, maybe as I do a lot of public speaking, the lack of nerves helped.
I have been thinking about this lack of emotion compared to the mess I thought I would be when dreading his passing for years. I don't feel numb, and I fully realise that he has gone - it registered when I saw him stop breathing. It seems that I was probably closest to my dad than anyone - doing stuff for each other through our whole lives together. Whether with my previous wife, or current wife, our parents have spent more times with us than anyone. They came to us for Christmases, Easters, gatherings during the year (BBQs parties, birthdays etc) and we got on holiday together at times too. If they needed stuff doing, we did it etc. I think this is why I am feeling the way I do - there is no guilt that I could have done more.
When I look at some of the people who are not in control of their grief, it seems that they all have regrets that they could have done more, spent more time with him, shared a little more rather than taking all the time. Everyone will miss him and feel sad, but I think that personally, I can feel that we shared our lives together, and not just the time when he was giving me my start in life. I can take strength from that, and understand that we had the best times and there was not a lot more we could have done together - no guilt, just happy memories.
Now I need to focus on my Mum. She is coping, but having had him around for 65 years of her 80, it is gonna be really hard for her. Lots of people are visiting during the day, but the evenongs are lonely for her. It's her birthday next weekend, which is not going to be too good. My wife has only known my dad for 10 years, but even when she was making tea at the funeral, she was getting his sorted out first, and generally looking for him during the day. That is how close he became to people in a very short time.
Thursday went as well as could be expected, packed chapel, not a dry eye in the house etc. Got something in my eye a couple of times, but no drama or floods. Lots from others. Did a SEVEN minute eulogy on his life, and trying to help people focus on his life rather than his passing which seemed to lift people. then straight onto Psalm 23, which kind of spoiled the moment... It wasn't difficult to keep it all together, maybe as I do a lot of public speaking, the lack of nerves helped.
I have been thinking about this lack of emotion compared to the mess I thought I would be when dreading his passing for years. I don't feel numb, and I fully realise that he has gone - it registered when I saw him stop breathing. It seems that I was probably closest to my dad than anyone - doing stuff for each other through our whole lives together. Whether with my previous wife, or current wife, our parents have spent more times with us than anyone. They came to us for Christmases, Easters, gatherings during the year (BBQs parties, birthdays etc) and we got on holiday together at times too. If they needed stuff doing, we did it etc. I think this is why I am feeling the way I do - there is no guilt that I could have done more.
When I look at some of the people who are not in control of their grief, it seems that they all have regrets that they could have done more, spent more time with him, shared a little more rather than taking all the time. Everyone will miss him and feel sad, but I think that personally, I can feel that we shared our lives together, and not just the time when he was giving me my start in life. I can take strength from that, and understand that we had the best times and there was not a lot more we could have done together - no guilt, just happy memories.
Now I need to focus on my Mum. She is coping, but having had him around for 65 years of her 80, it is gonna be really hard for her. Lots of people are visiting during the day, but the evenongs are lonely for her. It's her birthday next weekend, which is not going to be too good. My wife has only known my dad for 10 years, but even when she was making tea at the funeral, she was getting his sorted out first, and generally looking for him during the day. That is how close he became to people in a very short time.
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