Appalling Flatulence
Discussion
Blown2CV said:
i once made someone vomit on a training course with a fart. We had all been out the night before. I also made my ex's kid cry with one, which was fine because he was a little s
t. Still makes me laugh to think about it. Final written warning though?! That must have been a nuclear guff.
In other news I take enormous pleasure in farting in the gents at work if there is someone else in there... clearly separated by locked cubicle doors and as long as I can safeguard my anonimity! I sometimes cock my leg to get extra volume/rasp tone. I am sure other people i work with do the same as the horrific sounds coming from others in there, and muffled sniggers, tells me so.
t. Still makes me laugh to think about it. Final written warning though?! That must have been a nuclear guff. In other news I take enormous pleasure in farting in the gents at work if there is someone else in there... clearly separated by locked cubicle doors and as long as I can safeguard my anonimity! I sometimes cock my leg to get extra volume/rasp tone. I am sure other people i work with do the same as the horrific sounds coming from others in there, and muffled sniggers, tells me so.
After all these years I'd assumed your username related to a turbocharger.
Tango13 said:
Are animal farting stories allowed? If so...
A few years back my mums council terrier (Staff X) was lounging in front of the fire when the she (the dog, not my mum) farted.
Now normally a dog fart is a quiet pffft but for whatever dietary reasons this canine fart was more of a PAARRPP!
The dog was less than impressed with this unexpected vibrato from her chocolate starfish so turned, teeth bared to attack whatever it was that was assaulting her teatowel holder.
Unfortunately the turning and twisting compressed her intestines further which provoked a window rattling PAARRPP!
The dog jumped up and ran in terror from her own fart, returning shortly after for sympathy and cuddles but we were too busy laughing to assist the dog in regaining her composure.
1st class, it's been many a year since I have rea f such a priceless story, top marks.A few years back my mums council terrier (Staff X) was lounging in front of the fire when the she (the dog, not my mum) farted.
Now normally a dog fart is a quiet pffft but for whatever dietary reasons this canine fart was more of a PAARRPP!
The dog was less than impressed with this unexpected vibrato from her chocolate starfish so turned, teeth bared to attack whatever it was that was assaulting her teatowel holder.
Unfortunately the turning and twisting compressed her intestines further which provoked a window rattling PAARRPP!
The dog jumped up and ran in terror from her own fart, returning shortly after for sympathy and cuddles but we were too busy laughing to assist the dog in regaining her composure.
Edited by crankedup on Sunday 18th December 23:14
Artichokes and onions are the ones for me.
I remember once sitting in my van waiting for a customer to turn up merrily farting away after a huge curry the night before that was loaded with onions. Reading the newspaper and having a great time. Whilst I was distracted with the newspaper the customer had turned up. He made his way over to my van and opened the door, unleashing a terror weapon that ISIS would have been proud of. He immediately recoiled and screwed his face up. "fking hell, that'd make a fly throw up"
Now I use the security locks so the van stays locked whilst I'm in it.
I remember once sitting in my van waiting for a customer to turn up merrily farting away after a huge curry the night before that was loaded with onions. Reading the newspaper and having a great time. Whilst I was distracted with the newspaper the customer had turned up. He made his way over to my van and opened the door, unleashing a terror weapon that ISIS would have been proud of. He immediately recoiled and screwed his face up. "f
king hell, that'd make a fly throw up"Now I use the security locks so the van stays locked whilst I'm in it.
I spend a week in Spain many years ago, picked up some sort of Delhi belly, had me pooping and chundering from both ends simultaneously. When I got back to Blighty I decided to do the starvation cure,: don't feed the bugger.
Monday afternoon in the machine shop, I started to fart, and carried on, continuously......one long, slow, silent, seamless botty cough, for about three hours, like the hydrogen suphide plant in a biology classroom at school. It was rank, but nobody could pinpoint the culprit.
I could visualize all these millions of dead amoebas simply rotting away the length of my intestinal tract, and the putrefying gases taking the nearest exit. Not sure if that is biologically correct, but it seemed to work at the time.
It was truly horrible!
Monday afternoon in the machine shop, I started to fart, and carried on, continuously......one long, slow, silent, seamless botty cough, for about three hours, like the hydrogen suphide plant in a biology classroom at school. It was rank, but nobody could pinpoint the culprit.
I could visualize all these millions of dead amoebas simply rotting away the length of my intestinal tract, and the putrefying gases taking the nearest exit. Not sure if that is biologically correct, but it seemed to work at the time.
It was truly horrible!
May 1993, the caves of draque in Majorca, or more particular the long tunnel leading into the main cave chamber.
A few hundred people shuffling along this tunnel, we were about half way along and I dropped one of the most the evil ones that is possible. The reaction, the confined space, no escape and the stinking brown cloud, it was priceless, pure comedy farting gold remembered fondly to this very day.
A few hundred people shuffling along this tunnel, we were about half way along and I dropped one of the most the evil ones that is possible. The reaction, the confined space, no escape and the stinking brown cloud, it was priceless, pure comedy farting gold remembered fondly to this very day.
My classic Johnny F moment was on a tour of the caverns at Castleton deep under the castle. The previous evening I had been on the real ale and stew which for me is an apocalyptic combination and was feeling a bit of 'lower internal pressure' We went into the caverns from where the river emerges but I couldn't 'let off' as we were in a tight bunch with about 30 other tourists. I was becoming desperate and loudly blurted out 'oh I forgot my camera I'll just nip back to the car'' in a pathetic attempt to give a bit of distance and relieve the now almost painful feeling of having a tennis ball up my jacksie. My plan was ruined when I was 10 steps way and my OH called out 'it's OK V6 it's here I put it in my handbag'
I was stuffed. In more ways than one.
As we went into the cave all I could think was what the heck do I do, how long is this tour going to last and will I suffer irreversible damage. By the time we got as far as the big cathedral size cavern underneath the castle the Guide was saying about prisoners being thrown down into it from the castle and despite thre being an exit they usually never found it so died there because it was too dark. At this point my buttock clenching was becoming painful in its own right.....
Then to illustrate the medieval prisoners plight she said 'we will now turn off the lifts for one minute'
Salvation!!
My plan was hatched in an instant. The lights went off and amid the general murmuring and shuffling and oohs and aahs of the others I quickly darted to one side where no one had been standing. It was PITCH BLACK with no light source at all and they started to play Medieval music -this was my chance! I did the deed by crouching and going pigeon toed and several large semi quiet wooshes followed in quick succession. I then darted to another area that had been clear just as the lights came on. Done. Relief. Now evasion tactics.
I wandered around as the guide was going on about prisoners going insane in the darkness. I looked back to where I had been and people were all looking at eachother, a mother grabbed at her son and told him off. Someone wretched.
It was terrible. The smell was overbearing in the damp subterranean chamber but I had got away with it and my Achilles heel of the 'jeans delay' hadn't happened.
My overriding memory of that day was the surreal stench, which actually made the trapped prisoners dying and rotting all the more vivid, albeit from my own production.
I haven't 'trumped' that one since
I was stuffed. In more ways than one.
As we went into the cave all I could think was what the heck do I do, how long is this tour going to last and will I suffer irreversible damage. By the time we got as far as the big cathedral size cavern underneath the castle the Guide was saying about prisoners being thrown down into it from the castle and despite thre being an exit they usually never found it so died there because it was too dark. At this point my buttock clenching was becoming painful in its own right.....
Then to illustrate the medieval prisoners plight she said 'we will now turn off the lifts for one minute'
Salvation!!
My plan was hatched in an instant. The lights went off and amid the general murmuring and shuffling and oohs and aahs of the others I quickly darted to one side where no one had been standing. It was PITCH BLACK with no light source at all and they started to play Medieval music -this was my chance! I did the deed by crouching and going pigeon toed and several large semi quiet wooshes followed in quick succession. I then darted to another area that had been clear just as the lights came on. Done. Relief. Now evasion tactics.
I wandered around as the guide was going on about prisoners going insane in the darkness. I looked back to where I had been and people were all looking at eachother, a mother grabbed at her son and told him off. Someone wretched.
It was terrible. The smell was overbearing in the damp subterranean chamber but I had got away with it and my Achilles heel of the 'jeans delay' hadn't happened.
My overriding memory of that day was the surreal stench, which actually made the trapped prisoners dying and rotting all the more vivid, albeit from my own production.
I haven't 'trumped' that one since
In the gents loo at work last week, just as I was washing my hands I felt a little tickle as one snuck out unexpectedly.
Didn't think much of it but as I exited it clearly followed me, and it was a complete stinker just as I bumped in to one of the office hotties in the corridor... Awkward apologies as we shuffled around each other before I could tell she smelt what I had dealt...
Didn't think much of it but as I exited it clearly followed me, and it was a complete stinker just as I bumped in to one of the office hotties in the corridor... Awkward apologies as we shuffled around each other before I could tell she smelt what I had dealt...
Fleckers said:
tjl said:
One of my proudest moments was following a curry the previous evening. Drove to work the next morning. Parked in the car park. Let rip one of those long , fairly silent , but highly pungent post curry farts. Evacuated the car quickly. Popped back to car at lunchtime to go grab a sandwich and could still smell it. 
You are my hero 
I once did a particularly vehement trouser cough, in the presence of the entire family. I announced to the kids that it was so impressive that even my arse cheeks had given it a clap.
12yo boy thought that it was the funniest thing he had ever heard
14yo girl and wife, not so much (go figure)
Females are strange!!
I also do like to let a noisy one rip in the gents, purely for the fun of it and to hear the occasional muffled snigger.
However, one day many moons ago I was on holiday with a few school mates and one of their families in Yorkshire. Being 16-17 but looking 18+ we were able to get served in the local hostelry without question and had spent the previous evening supping pints of mild (it was very cheap) and eating the home made beef stew, as it contained beer
The next morning things were not taking their usual path vis a vis the expected outpouring of the previous days intake but I was experiencing no discomfort so carried on regardless. As a group we then decided to go to the local sports centre to hire a 5 a side pitch and see if we could get a few games. We entered the place and at that precise moment my guts decided to vacate themselves from my rear in a very long but totally silent manoeuvre. I approached the lady on the front desk to enquire about hiring the wanted 5 a side pitch to hear a lot of choking and tearful laughter behind me. It was a difficult conversation but I managed to ascertain they had a pitch available in about an hour before my composure ran out. I spun round to walk out to find what was a busy entrance to a sports centre total empty and my mates looking in from the outside making hand gestures to make it obvious to one and all it was me who had perpetrated the incident. I mustered as much self respect as I could and walked out in a dignified manner and then fell about laughing with the rest of them.
On the same holiday we came back to our friends car one afternoon and it was pointed out to the owner that there was some yellow looking liquid on his front wheel. Being reasonably naïve with cars at this point we suggested to the driver it was possibly brake fluid. He looked a little concerned as his car had never had any issues before and after a little bit of teeth sucking ran a finger through the liquid and touched the end of his tongue with it - to this day he has never offered a sound reason as to why he did this. His face screwed up to a shape none of us had ever seen before and it took him about 30 seconds of choking and spluttering to then blurt out "it's f**king dog piss".
We then decided to all drink more beer to help him lose the taste
However, one day many moons ago I was on holiday with a few school mates and one of their families in Yorkshire. Being 16-17 but looking 18+ we were able to get served in the local hostelry without question and had spent the previous evening supping pints of mild (it was very cheap) and eating the home made beef stew, as it contained beer
The next morning things were not taking their usual path vis a vis the expected outpouring of the previous days intake but I was experiencing no discomfort so carried on regardless. As a group we then decided to go to the local sports centre to hire a 5 a side pitch and see if we could get a few games. We entered the place and at that precise moment my guts decided to vacate themselves from my rear in a very long but totally silent manoeuvre. I approached the lady on the front desk to enquire about hiring the wanted 5 a side pitch to hear a lot of choking and tearful laughter behind me. It was a difficult conversation but I managed to ascertain they had a pitch available in about an hour before my composure ran out. I spun round to walk out to find what was a busy entrance to a sports centre total empty and my mates looking in from the outside making hand gestures to make it obvious to one and all it was me who had perpetrated the incident. I mustered as much self respect as I could and walked out in a dignified manner and then fell about laughing with the rest of them.
On the same holiday we came back to our friends car one afternoon and it was pointed out to the owner that there was some yellow looking liquid on his front wheel. Being reasonably naïve with cars at this point we suggested to the driver it was possibly brake fluid. He looked a little concerned as his car had never had any issues before and after a little bit of teeth sucking ran a finger through the liquid and touched the end of his tongue with it - to this day he has never offered a sound reason as to why he did this. His face screwed up to a shape none of us had ever seen before and it took him about 30 seconds of choking and spluttering to then blurt out "it's f**king dog piss".
We then decided to all drink more beer to help him lose the taste
Dried Apricots
Whole bagfull's in one go, guaranteed to give me terminal flatulence for the next 24hours.
Learnt the hard way driving a bunch of mates in a van on a biking trip to Wales, we actually had to pull over on the A5 & stop as it what THAT bad. My driving was physically impaired by laughter & having to lean out of the window to breathe
Still to this day was of funniest road trips ever.
My wife now monitors my consumption of such marriage wrecking delights, as I will happily munch through a bagful in one go. Full afterburners kick in within 30 mins.
Whole bagfull's in one go, guaranteed to give me terminal flatulence for the next 24hours.
Learnt the hard way driving a bunch of mates in a van on a biking trip to Wales, we actually had to pull over on the A5 & stop as it what THAT bad. My driving was physically impaired by laughter & having to lean out of the window to breathe
Still to this day was of funniest road trips ever.My wife now monitors my consumption of such marriage wrecking delights, as I will happily munch through a bagful in one go. Full afterburners kick in within 30 mins.
i once let rip a loud squeaker of a fart in a toilet cubicle at one of my old client's offices. There were 2 guys washing hands etc, but I was 'covered' by the sound of the hand drier. Mid-fart the hand drier went off, and the fart noise was so pronounced and other worldly that the 2 guys stopped dead. Stifling a laugh i heard them discussing that they thought it might be a cat trapped in the walls and that they should go and get facilities to help. As they raced off, I tidied my shame and returned to the world outside the toilet. I still laugh to myself when i imagine 2 concerned office workers looking on whilst an overall tapped the walls around the area, searching for 'the cat'.
20 Years ago I worked in a store in central Stockport, each morning a bunch of us used to meet up in Mcdonalds
for breakfast, on this particular morning i'd had a curry the night before, after digesting the Mcds "Big Breakfast" I started on the coffee, after a few minutes I felt the inevitable rumblings of a bottom burp approaching and prepared to launch an "air biscuit" to do this I gently shifted my weight onto one cheek and relaxed hoping to let out a silent but deadly whoosh, but i'd not taken into account three things, I was sat on a hard plastic chair, i'd had a huge curry the night before with all the trimmings and that sometimes the in store music system goes quiet, what issue forth from my sphincter sounded like a mix of and express train leaving a tunnel and a duck quacking through a 1000 watt PA system, even the people upstairs heard it, and everyone within 20 feet downstairs smelt it, I managed to empty most of the people from the downstairs as it absolutely stunk...
for breakfast, on this particular morning i'd had a curry the night before, after digesting the Mcds "Big Breakfast" I started on the coffee, after a few minutes I felt the inevitable rumblings of a bottom burp approaching and prepared to launch an "air biscuit" to do this I gently shifted my weight onto one cheek and relaxed hoping to let out a silent but deadly whoosh, but i'd not taken into account three things, I was sat on a hard plastic chair, i'd had a huge curry the night before with all the trimmings and that sometimes the in store music system goes quiet, what issue forth from my sphincter sounded like a mix of and express train leaving a tunnel and a duck quacking through a 1000 watt PA system, even the people upstairs heard it, and everyone within 20 feet downstairs smelt it, I managed to empty most of the people from the downstairs as it absolutely stunk...
I'm fortunate in the fact I don't suffer from wind as I have no sense of smell, unfortunately those in my vicinity do suffer!
My finest moment was while queuing in a New York store to pay when I felt the rumblings. A silent one was dispatched which proved to be a good vintage. My long suffering wife looks at me in absolute disgust but before being admonished by her the lady behind starts berating what I took to be her grandson for making that atrocious stench.
Mrs D and I are now trying to keep a straight face, ignoring the fracas behind as other customers have now been encompassed with the putrid fog and the grandmother trying to apologise whilst still scolding the poor young lad just made it worse for us.
I can confirm it really hurts to stifle laughter whilst trying to pay the cashier, we couldn't get out of there quickly enough and ran outside to collapse around the corner laughing like drains.
My finest moment was while queuing in a New York store to pay when I felt the rumblings. A silent one was dispatched which proved to be a good vintage. My long suffering wife looks at me in absolute disgust but before being admonished by her the lady behind starts berating what I took to be her grandson for making that atrocious stench.
Mrs D and I are now trying to keep a straight face, ignoring the fracas behind as other customers have now been encompassed with the putrid fog and the grandmother trying to apologise whilst still scolding the poor young lad just made it worse for us.
I can confirm it really hurts to stifle laughter whilst trying to pay the cashier, we couldn't get out of there quickly enough and ran outside to collapse around the corner laughing like drains.
I go to my mum and dads for Christmas. We went to my sister's house, who's a bit middle class and were all lounging in the lounge.
We're a family with impressive flatulence and I was struggling to hold one in. It ended up like an indirect free kick in the dying stages of stoppage time at Old Trafford, I won the free kick, my brother took it, dad cracked it into the back of the net and the crowd roared with laughter
We're a family with impressive flatulence and I was struggling to hold one in. It ended up like an indirect free kick in the dying stages of stoppage time at Old Trafford, I won the free kick, my brother took it, dad cracked it into the back of the net and the crowd roared with laughter
Yex 450 said:
On the same holiday we came back to our friends car one afternoon and it was pointed out to the owner that there was some yellow looking liquid on his front wheel. Being reasonably naïve with cars at this point we suggested to the driver it was possibly brake fluid. He looked a little concerned as his car had never had any issues before and after a little bit of teeth sucking ran a finger through the liquid and touched the end of his tongue with it - to this day he has never offered a sound reason as to why he did this. His face screwed up to a shape none of us had ever seen before and it took him about 30 seconds of choking and spluttering to then blurt out "it's f**king dog piss".
We then decided to all drink more beer to help him lose the taste
That is fWe then decided to all drink more beer to help him lose the taste
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