Experience with extra marital affairs!

[enzozidanedragan]

LittleBigPlanet said:

Agreed. Everyone has assumed that the OP is male with a cheating wife. It actually read to me like the OP is female.

In any case, I'd find it extremely difficult to continue in such a situation, more so knowing that you really don't know the half of it due to the constant lies (despite being 'found out'). Tackle this head on and give your partner a chance to come clean on everything - if it becomes apparent later on that he/she has not be totally honest then you've made the deal clear - walk.

Note, I say this not knowing your or your family situation. It's always far easier to say than do. I'd probably be a crying mess so you've already done better than I by writing this down.

Good luck.

Thank you! Yes I’ve been a crying mess! Yes apparently he’s come clean, he had to when I found photographic evidence that proved his lover was in the same locations he was on the same dates. But doesn’t change the fact that he’s got to travel for work so the future trust going forward is HUGE. 15 years and two kids means a decision can’t be made as quickly as some of the other posts on here suggest. When you’re in this situation it’s very hard to control emotions and think rationally which I am trying to do. Yes I’ve lashed out, yes I’ve screamed get the fk out, yes I’ve said it’s over. But he’s the father of my children and up until now we’ve actually had the best marriage (and he would say the same) and there has never been a fk up of this kind on either side. I always said “if you ever cheat on me it’s over”, now faced with that situation, and the enormity of the fact that he met her in 5 different global locations around the world, so it wasn’t just a one off mistake, I am just completely lost over what to do. I would LOVE to end it but I just can’t at the moment and it’s not because I am weak, I know I’d be fine on my own, I don’t know why. Maybe this will change once the shock subsides. Either way he needs to own the mistake and what he did and comprehend the enormity of the situation.

[enzozidanedragan]

motco said:

I have travelled internationally in the past as have many other PH contributors, and I can concur that there's little more lonely than a foreign hotel room at the beginning of a two week visit. However I suspect that a bed-sit can be pretty lonely too, and the OP's (original poster or starter of the thread for the benefit of the OP) likely destination for a straying husband when his Good Lady catches up with his carnal frolics. I never succumbed and nor have most others whose lot involves travelling so I have no sympathy for this lady's other half. Good Luck OP!

❤️

[oldbanger]

enzozidanedragan said:

C4ME said:

The OP has deliberately tried very hard to disguise whether it is male or female which makes me think it is not genuine. It's a very emotional subject to be doing something so odd.

It is genuine, I am female and it’s my husband who has had the affair.

From experience as an old female poster who has posted anonymously about relationship problems in the past.

If you say in your posts that you are a regular member, the account will be barred and so you can’t reply after the initial couple of messages anyway

Also it’s easier if you maintain gender neutrality than immediately post as female. Very different responses to be frank, though the gender neutrality will be picked up on.

And you can’t post in the lounge etc as a new member anyway. You have to wait 2 weeks at least.

These days I don’t worry about hiding this stuff so don’t bother posting anonymously. My employers know even more stuff about me and my sob stories than I post here anyway. My OH is a PHer too. (By the way I am not the OP)

In terms of the OP, the extent of the deception means it’s unlikely this is salvageable. Up to up what you do, but don’t pin your hopes on any kind of reconciliation. It’s a tough one

Edited by oldbanger on Sunday 13th January 12:31

[MDMA .]

enzozidanedragan said:

MDMA . said:

Yes. No one signs up to a car forum, waits 2 months and then the first post they make is about an affair.
Another unhinged, previous/current "member". Pretty sad really.

You actually can’t post on forums until you’ve been a member for over 4 weeks

Convenient. Now there's no stopping you

[Gary C]

Strange place to sign up to to get advice.

Could see a long term member chatting with known posters, but why would you sign up to a motoring forum to discuss affairs ?

Odd/Fake or Long term member pseudonym ?

[C4ME]

My advice is don't try and solve this on your own. Couples therapy is a good idea for a number of reasons

1/ Gives him (and you) the opportunity to fully engage in trying to save the relationship. If he chooses not to, either by refusing to take part in it or by not engaging fully in the process then that will tell you a lot. This is his chance and he needs to understand he needs to be fully invested if he wants you to stick around. No fobbing you off with nice words.

2/ Gives you both the opportunity to learn a lot about each other and what each of you wants out of life (and how your relationship can achieve that) which will help in deciding what to do next. Also will allow you both to understsnd what is important for each of you around fidelity (you might not be compatible).

3/ Understand how life will work as a family unit if you decide to divorce and how to parent well. Kids are better off having happy divorced parents than unhappy married parents. If you do decide to part then learning how to parent properly as divorcees is really worth investing time in. There is no place for blame and bitterness in post divorce parenting - you will be teaching your kids positive life lessons by doing it well.

4/ You may also want some individual therapy as part of the process, especially if you do decide to divorce.

Hopefully as a result you will come out of the process confident that your relationship is good (and how to make it work) or that divorce is the best option. If you do decide to divorce then go and see a solicitor. See if you can get one recommended by friends who have used them. There are good and bad ones not just in what they can achieve but in how they approach it.

Good luck. It is a hard thing to have to go through but you will find the right path.

[oldbanger]

Gary C said:

Strange place to sign up to to get advice.

Could see a long term member chatting with known posters, but why would you sign up to a motoring forum to discuss affairs ?

Odd/Fake or Long term member pseudonym ?

Some of us have been here a long time and use this a social forum/network, not just to talk about cars.

PH is one of the best online communities I’ve ever been part of and often actually provides better advice than that ‘old chestnut’ mumsnet

[Gary C]

oldbanger said:

Gary C said:

Strange place to sign up to to get advice.

Could see a long term member chatting with known posters, but why would you sign up to a motoring forum to discuss affairs ?

Odd/Fake or Long term member pseudonym ?

Some of us have been here a long time and use this a social forum/network, not just to talk about cars.

PH is one of the best online communities I’ve ever been part of and often actually provides better advice than that ‘old chestnut’ mumsnet

If you read what I said, 'strange place to sign up to to get advice'

Yes, for a long termer, but a newbie, just signing up ?. Why would you think 'oh I know, a car forum is the place'


However if true then its probably someone who already has an account.

[Hub]

Gary C said:

oldbanger said:

Gary C said:

Strange place to sign up to to get advice.

Could see a long term member chatting with known posters, but why would you sign up to a motoring forum to discuss affairs ?

Odd/Fake or Long term member pseudonym ?

Some of us have been here a long time and use this a social forum/network, not just to talk about cars.

PH is one of the best online communities I’ve ever been part of and often actually provides better advice than that ‘old chestnut’ mumsnet

If you read what I said, 'strange place to sign up to to get advice'

Yes, for a long termer, but a newbie, just signing up ?. Why would you think 'oh I know, a car forum is the place'


However if true then its probably someone who already has an account.

There are almost more marriage breakdown threads than there are car discussions on PH. Anyone googling for a similar thing will probably get pointed in this direction!

[crofty1984]

I've thankfully not been in your position, but it's the lying long term that's the real issue as you say. If my wife (I'm aware you're the wife here) made a drunken mistake once I may be able to forgive and forget, or it may eat at me forever and that would be the end of "us". It could be a possibility though.
But the long term deception - no, that's unforgivable in my book. And hers if it was the other way round.

I hope you're able to stay amicable for the sake of the kids having two happy parents, albeit separately.

[poo at Paul's]

poo at Paul's said:

He is a shagbag. Sad but true. You cannot trust him. Move on and don't move out, tell him to.

Edited now gender clarified.

[putonghua73]

crofty1984 said:

But the long term deception - no, that's unforgivable in my book. And hers if it was the other way round.

I hope you're able to stay amicable for the sake of the kids having two happy parents, albeit separately.

I too am fortunate not to have experienced this situation, but have witnessed this amongst friends and acquaintances over the years. A number of issues stand out:
- protracted lies
- emotional blackmail
- justification for the affair

I would have a hard time justifying why I would want to stay with someone who had treated me with such a lack of respect. From the way the post was written the OPs husband sounds resentful, not so much for his actions, but at having to disclose the affair.

Relationships change with the passage of time - both the emotional and physical - and like anything that involves maintenance, work is required to maintain the relationship. Yet there has to be a base level of respect for the other, otherwise the roots wither and die.

An old friend of mine described a similar situation and told me it's akin to being in a car crash in that you have no control and are just a passenger to events around you.

When the emotional debris settles down I hope that you can reach a position where you can move forwards.

[theboss]

What you’re likely to find, OP, is that your partner won’t ever reveal the extent of what’s been happening and has no intention of fully coming clean. You end up going mad trying to gather evidence and work out what the hell is going on when one person simply stepping forward and having the balls to be honest for a few minutes could put you straight out of your misery. I had this in my own marital breakdown after “working at it” for 18 months after the discovery of an initial indiscretion, and it turned out to be the absolute worst case where they were planning to setup home and start new lives together. I was just being used the whole time so they could work to their own terms and timescales. Once you’ve been kept in the dark like this over a protracted time period, you’ve been treated with such utter contempt that you have no choice but to just shut the relationship down and accept that it’s over. I only wish I had stopped being taken for such a mug earlier.

[DickyC]

All the quoting. What's going on?

[MDMA .]

DickyC said:

All the quoting. What's going on?

Troll. Don't feed it

[grumbledoak]

DickyC said:

All the quoting. What's going on?

Using just the icon to reply. Do they work on phones? Must be new here.

[axgizmo]

I feel for you I really do, not to the same extent as you (not married, no kids) but I have been cheated on and tried to make it work with the man, failed and still bare the emotional scars to this day.
I also felt that I could get over the physical side of the affair but for me it proved to be much more difficult than I expected. I tried to tell myself that it was the lies that made it hurt more, but it wasn't, every single part of it hurt equally for me. The fact that he wanted someone else (even briefly) more than he wanted our life that we had built together, that he made plans to do it again after feeling the high of getting away with it, the fact that I blamed myself and told myself I wasn't good enough etc.

I genuinely hope you can find a way through this and be genuinely happy again, with or without him. Please don't let him make you believe this is your fault, if he wasn't happy, he should have left. If he was happy, he shouldn't have cheated. This is on him, not you.

[cptsideways]

I have some sympathy, considering I travel a lot for work. Though I was accused of similar I never did, the trust side was lost & she then ventured off on the assumption I was.

Once the trust issue is broken its very hard to fix even if there was no trust broken!

I'm now firmly in the single camp after a 25 year relationship & its not as bad as I thought it might be, once you get round the practicalities. Split amicably as best you can, move onwards & upwards.

[Emmapuma]

Speaking from experience, you will never EVER trust him again. You would only be lying to yourself if you said you could.

My ex husband had an affair with a work colleague of his - began in a very similar way, bit of flirting, inflating his ego, coming onto him etc. One thing led to another and the started a relationship behind my back. I only found out because he wanted to be with her and his guilty conscious and cowardice meant that he text me to tell me.

Anyway, I so desperately wanted it to work - I loved the man and took my wedding vows seriously and ultimately we gave it another go. The feeling of not trusting him whilst I knew he was at work with her was incredibly unbearable and I ended up ending our relationship in order to save my sanity.

The emotional scars he has given me still lie deep, I have had insecurity issues ever since. I am very lucky that I have since met a wonderful man who was in a similar situation to myself so he has been extremely patient when I have my 'moments' (which are becoming quite rare now thankfully!)

[anonymous-user]

"she apparently came into him"

Was he in Thailand?