Sean Connery Joke (Volume IV)
Discussion
Laurel Green said:
Mark.H said:
You gits with the Latvian jokes nearly ruined a date for me on Friday!!!...
I had a date with a Lithuanian girl (with thick East European accent) who was lovely and everything was going well, although every now and then the thought of her telling me about Potato's and Soldiers etc did from time to time pop into my head...then quite by accident I asked what kind of food is considered her national dish...and her exact response was "hmmm, I think...is mostly Potato dish." to which I probably came the closest to ACTUALLY wetting myself since I was a toddler...somehow I managed to save it after after spouting some crap about stereotypes, and after a rather frosty next 15 minutes or so. I blame each and every one of you who posted a Potato joke for nearly ruining it!
Can just imagine that happening and, afraid I would have cracked-up and ruined the date. I had a date with a Lithuanian girl (with thick East European accent) who was lovely and everything was going well, although every now and then the thought of her telling me about Potato's and Soldiers etc did from time to time pop into my head...then quite by accident I asked what kind of food is considered her national dish...and her exact response was "hmmm, I think...is mostly Potato dish." to which I probably came the closest to ACTUALLY wetting myself since I was a toddler...somehow I managed to save it after after spouting some crap about stereotypes, and after a rather frosty next 15 minutes or so. I blame each and every one of you who posted a Potato joke for nearly ruining it!
Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace
we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.
Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: (no response .... total silence)
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace
we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.
Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: (no response .... total silence)
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped into see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news ?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with,
but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer,
"my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up
painting landscapes in watercolors"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side affects ?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped into see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news ?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with,
but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer,
"my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up
painting landscapes in watercolors"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side affects ?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
Mark.H said:
You gits with the Latvian jokes nearly ruined a date for me on Friday!!!...
I had a date with a Lithuanian girl (with thick East European accent) who was lovely and everything was going well, although every now and then the thought of her telling me about Potato's and Soldiers etc did from time to time pop into my head...then quite by accident I asked what kind of food is considered her national dish...and her exact response was "hmmm, I think...is mostly Potato dish." to which I probably came the closest to ACTUALLY wetting myself since I was a toddler...somehow I managed to save it after after spouting some crap about stereotypes, and after a rather frosty next 15 minutes or so. I blame each and every one of you who posted a Potato joke for nearly ruining it!
No girlfriend and no potato. Very Latvian. Maybe soldier kill you. End of misery. Happy ending.I had a date with a Lithuanian girl (with thick East European accent) who was lovely and everything was going well, although every now and then the thought of her telling me about Potato's and Soldiers etc did from time to time pop into my head...then quite by accident I asked what kind of food is considered her national dish...and her exact response was "hmmm, I think...is mostly Potato dish." to which I probably came the closest to ACTUALLY wetting myself since I was a toddler...somehow I managed to save it after after spouting some crap about stereotypes, and after a rather frosty next 15 minutes or so. I blame each and every one of you who posted a Potato joke for nearly ruining it!
As night is fading two hungry vampires are back in the cave, one turns to the other.
"It's no good I can't survive a whole day with no food, I'm going out again"
His mate tries everything to stop him as one touch of sunlight will turn him to dust but to no avail, it's only ten minutes to sunrise and so he transforms himself into a bat.
2 Minutes later he returns.
He is literally covered in blood, dripping from his mouth and all down him.
"Where on earth did you get all that blood?" asks his mate changing also to bat form.
They fly out of the cave and perch on a ledge.
"See that tree?" asks the one who went out.
"Yep" Replies his hungry friend
"Well I f
king never"
"It's no good I can't survive a whole day with no food, I'm going out again"
His mate tries everything to stop him as one touch of sunlight will turn him to dust but to no avail, it's only ten minutes to sunrise and so he transforms himself into a bat.
2 Minutes later he returns.
He is literally covered in blood, dripping from his mouth and all down him.
"Where on earth did you get all that blood?" asks his mate changing also to bat form.
They fly out of the cave and perch on a ledge.
"See that tree?" asks the one who went out.
"Yep" Replies his hungry friend
"Well I f
king never"Sure to be a pearoast but.
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let they who are without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from the back of the crowd, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"FFS mum..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let they who are without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from the back of the crowd, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"FFS mum..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Monkey boy 1 said:
Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace
we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.
Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: (no response .... total silence)
Reminds me of the USS Enterprise (or some such Nimitz carrier) V the lighthouse.The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace
we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.
Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Iranian Air Defence Radar: (no response .... total silence)
theironduke said:
Monkey boy 1 said:
Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
The conversation went like this...
Reminds me of the USS Enterprise (or some such Nimitz carrier) V the lighthouse.The conversation went like this...
It's crude. I'm tired.
, it started before then...stitched said:
Sure to be a pearoast but.
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let they who are without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from the back of the crowd, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"FFS mum..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let they who are without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from the back of the crowd, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"FFS mum..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Arese said:
Vipers said:
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after
he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the
tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
Did nobody believe him the first time, last week?he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the
tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff