Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[anonymous-user]

Gigamoons said:

Course she wants to reconsider, it’s dawned on her that lover boy’s now giving her the slow fade after he’s shagged her, and her housing situation / lifestyle will look very different without your support…

Wow, this talk and suggestions from grown men to consider reconciliation with a woman that’s fked another man behind your back. Genuinely amazes me how afraid of standing up and backing yourself to do better some people are. Shame on you.

Spot on. As others have said, when someone is caught cheating they will often try and blame the other person by saying they were working too hard or some other bullst reason to justify what they have done.

Ultimately she cheated on you with some ex without a second thought for you. This shows she has zero respect for you, and ultimately that she doest love you or give a st about you.

And stop putting her on a pedestal and saying "she is one in a million". She really isn't, she is "one of a million" she just happens to be the one you randomly ended up with and have been with for six years so are used to her.

Of course she thought the grass was greener when she was sneaking behind your back and having illicit sex with this guy. I would imagine the endorphins in her brain were off the scale when she was secretly texting him and meeting him for sex. However it isn't real, he is an ex for a reason so it is clear it was just the excitement and sex she was getting of on.

So not blame yourself, you have done nothing wrong, and do not let her turn this around to somehow be your fault.

And under no circumstances even consider taking her back, if you do she will know she owns you and will cheat again.

[Gigamoons]

Harry Flashman said:

How did this thread turn into some weird, bro culture, Andrew Tate incel posturing cult?

I'm sure you're all very big, alpha men. Now why don't you all go and get your Mums to make you some tea, whilst the adults talk, eh?

Steady on now with your slurs and condescending insults directed towards those giving an alternative position to yourself eh, you are not the self elected thread police who dictates what opinions can and cannot be aired here.

If you want to start throwing around the words you’ve used, it would be easy to ask you to look up the definition of a cuckhold or a simp who is too attentive and submissive to women in the failed hope of winning sexual activity due to deep fear of never finding another partner… and ask you to nip back into the wardrobe so you can film your missus through the crack in the doors whilst she’s being seen to by the men of her choice, whilst the adults talk eh.

Hopefully you’ll agree, what I’ve written in parody is equally as daft as what you’ve written.

I stand by my advice, rooted in personal principles, that when someone cheats there are no second chances as it will never be the same. Yes it’s upsetting, yes it’s a shame, yes the idea of patching things up is an easier & less disruptive short term solution. But over time, I couldn’t live with it and there are plenty of better women out there. So lick your wounds, learn from it and then go find another partner - it’s really not that difficult.

Wishing all on this thread the very best for 2024

Edited by Gigamoons on Sunday 31st December 09:15

[Monkeylegend]

Gigamoons said:

it will never be the same.

Ironically for some it ends up being even better

[Bobberoo]

I believe this thread was started as a place for people to open up about quite possibly the most painful experience a person can go through other than the death of a loved one.
It's not the place for people to display biased unnecessary rants or for unhelpful sniping and character assassination.

The people who come here and post their innermost thoughts are looking for help and support, not for people to bh and argue, please be a little more respectful.

[Harry Flashman]

Gigamoons said:

Steady on now with your slurs and condescending insults directed towards those giving an alternative position to yourself eh, you are not the self elected thread police who dictates what opinions can and cannot be aired here.

If you want to start throwing around the words you’ve used, it would be easy to ask you to look up the definition of a cuckhold or a simp who is too attentive and submissive to women in the failed hope of winning sexual activity due to deep fear of never finding another partner… and ask you to nip back into the wardrobe so you can film your missus through the crack in the doors whilst she’s being seen to by the men of her choice, whilst the adults talk eh.

Hopefully you’ll agree, what I’ve written in parody is equally as daft as what you’ve written.

I stand by my advice, rooted in personal principles, that when someone cheats there are no second chances as it will never be the same. Yes it’s upsetting, yes it’s a shame, yes the idea of patching things up is an easier & less disruptive short term solution. But over time, I couldn’t live with it and there are plenty of better women out there. So lick your wounds, learn from it and then go find another partner - it’s really not that difficult.

Wishing all on this thread the very best for 2024

Edited by Gigamoons on Sunday 31st December 09:15

OK then.

Moving on; the trouble with the cheating thing may well be trust. I have not been through it (to my knowledge, anyway): but once a partner has cheated you may well blame yourself. But that's just one thing - the question becomes, cam you trust them again. Not "are they trustworthy?", but rather "can I live with this".

For all the sniping and my objection to the way he posts, gigamoons and I are in agreement on this i.e. it looks like both of us would have trouble with it. And that may mean that any second try is doomed - no matter what your lady says, does, nor how much she repents, if you can't truly forgive, then things won't work very well.

A friend of mine is going through this. She cheated on him, because frankly he neglected her quite a lot. Partner at a big law firm, insane work/travel schedule, him doing it to build a financially secure life for his
Is family. She is at home, 3 kids, all with learning difficulties. She was isolated and lonely. She cheated, it was also with an ex. And yes, she feels terrible about it. They worked it out, went to counseling, and they are still together. But he treats her differently. Deep down, he is angry, and no longer respects her, even though he loves her. From what I see and healthy are doomed. In fact, I think he may even have an affair as I think he subconsciously feels the need to teach her a lesson, or for her to feel what he felt. Her affair has changed him - he is more callous, more cynical, less compassionate.

That won't end well.

That's a hard question to answer, as frankly we can all have as many principles as we wish, but only you can know this, in your situation. And it may take some time to find out how you really feel.

One thing I will say that others have - the one in a million thing just isn't true. We don't have soulmates, really. There are a large range of people we can and do fall in love with. It has as much to do with circumstance as anything else. Who I was when I met Lady F, the experiences in life to that point and who she was right then, made it all happen. I daresay that had I met her five years earlier, or even 5 years later, it would not have happened. Our marriage now is as much a factor of shared love, experience, bonds and history as it is it is some sort of magic.

This can seem quite depressing - it shouldn't do. It means that there is someone else out there for you, or indeed many. One day you will look back on this breakup, and it will be like a bad dream. And the experience will have made you stronger, if you seize the opportunity to heal properly.

Look to your closest friends. The ones who will be there for you whatever happens. But also look to new ones. I went out, got fit, partied like a beast, met new friends, travelled all over the place with them, got invited by one of them on a ski holiday, and met Lady F in Austria on the slopes, on that trip.

Random. But wouldn't have happened if I had sat at home. Heal, reflect, but don't handicap yourself.

Edited by Harry Flashman on Sunday 31st December 10:25

[flatlandsman]

I tried the forgiving thing many years ago and it hurt me more than anything else has in my life, so I will NEVER ever do that again. Once something like this is done, for me the relationship is over.

Fair enough some couples can forgive and move on, but the trust is gone, it is completely GONE and you will always, always have doubts in the future. Some can work through this and deal with it, I could not.

Yes that might spur you on to try and make sure that situation where she strayed never happens again, but really if you are having to try so hard, isn't that telling you something too?

I am perhaps not the best person with advice I realised a few years ago that I am not suited to be with a partner long term, it just is not a part of life I am suited to or that I really desire, but maybe that came about due to past experience and also self awareness.

It takes an awful lot of work to make a relationship last more than a few years

[MB140]

Gigamoons said:

Course she wants to reconsider, it’s dawned on her that lover boy’s now giving her the slow fade after he’s shagged her, and her housing situation / lifestyle will look very different without your support…

Wow, this talk and suggestions from grown men to consider reconciliation with a woman that’s fked another man behind your back. Genuinely amazes me how afraid of standing up and backing yourself to do better some people are. Shame on you.

My first wife cheated on me. I’m military and was away from home an awful lot. So I partially understood why she did it.

We decided to give it another go eventually and I got a change in roles so I wasn’t away as much. I caught her out by accident the second time. She was shagging some multi millionaire property guy.

That was it for me. We were done. She was happy we were over too. Then the inevitable happened about 4 months later. Millionaire playboy didn’t want to get tied down with a women with two younger kids (my step kids) and fked her off.

All of a sudden faced with being turfed out of the military married quarters with only a part time job to support herself and two kids she ‘suddenly wanted to give it another go’ blah blah blah.

Put me in a real strong negotiating position for the divorce as she needed cash quick. Initially she thought she would get my pension straight away lol. Oh how did I laugh when the lawyers told her no she would have to wait until state retirement age (hers), even though I could collect my pension at 42.

In the end I paid her off cash, a lot less than if she had gone for my pension, we had no savings or house.

Met a beautiful woman a year later who is my perfect match. She ran oil rigs for a living so was used to spending time away. 16 years later we’re still happily married and love life.

You will meet someone else. You will get over it.

Edited by MB140 on Sunday 31st December 11:29

[ClaphamGT3]

The physical act of infidelity is - or should be to anyone of more than basic emotional intelligence- irrelevant.

What you both need to understand is what has been missing in the relationship that meant that it was an easier/better option to have an affair (certainly physical and, perhaps, emotional) with someone else than to talk to you about what she felt was missing.

Once that question is answered, the two of you can collectively and individually decide whether you are willing and able to salvage the relationship.

Forget the knuckle-dragging, neanderthal "I couldn't put my cock where another guy put his" level posts and all Joey Deacon's usual drowning in a tank of his own bitter p*ss misogynistic drivel about "tingles & feels"/endorphin rushes/ "the c*ck carousel" - they are just noise.

All best wishes for a speedy resolution to an awful situation for you both - whatever form that resolution takes.

Edited by ClaphamGT3 on Sunday 31st December 11:41

[Harry Flashman]

ClaphamGT3 said:

The physical act of infidelity is - or should be to anyone of more than basic emotional intelligence- irrelevant.

What you both need to understand is what has been missing in the relationship that meant that it was an easier/better option to have an affair (certainly physical and, perhaps, emotional) with someone else than to talk to you about what she felt was missing.

Once that question is answered, the two of you can collectively and individually decide whether you are willing and able to salvage the relationship.

Forget the knuckle-dragging, neanderthal "I couldn't put my cock where another guy put his" level posts and all Joey Deacon's usual drowning in a tank of his own bitter p*ss misogynistic drivel about "tingles & feels"/endorphin rushes/ "the c*ck carousel" - they are just noise.

All best wishes for a speedy resolution to an awful situation for you both - whatever form that resolution takes.

Edited by ClaphamGT3 on Sunday 31st December 11:41

This is where I was trying to get to with my first post about Andrew Tate nonsense. Thanks for putting it better than I did.

I'm not sure that the physical act of infidelity is that irrelevant, though. It may be as simple as damaging one's pride but it can still do damage. At worst, I'm sure it feels like a complete betrayal.


I mean there will be some people whose partners cheat on them just from a basic lack of respect. I work in the City, and know many (men, in my experience) happily cheating on the partner at home. I'd find that hard to salvage as frankly: it's seems to be a genuine lack of respect, whenever I encounter it. If someone did that to me, I'd be pretending to be more mature than I am if I claimed I'd jump straight onto trying for a reconciliation. I think I'd be too angry and hurt, at least to start with.

Edited by Harry Flashman on Sunday 31st December 12:33

[Gigamoons]

ClaphamGT3 said:

The physical act of infidelity is - or should be to anyone of more than basic emotional intelligence- irrelevant.

I’ll agree to disgrace on this.

I would actually say the opposite, anyone within the confines of a trusting monogamous relationship who considers the act of infidelity either way as irrelevant, is emotionally dead inside or doesn’t really love the other person and doesn’t care.
Or, is so needy, desperate and terrified of being alone, they’d actually consider overlooking it and accept being a cuckhold.

Neither of the above strike me as the hallmarks of high emotional intelligence I’m afraid.

[Fermit]

Darkslider said:

It makes me choke to say it but maybe I'm better sweeping the broken pieces into the bin and moving on.

Before you do so, could couples counseling be something you'd consider?

Edit to add. I posted from being a few pages back, before reading others stating the same, so apologies for adding to an echo chamber. What I can add, is that whilst it isn't a magic pill, we have had experience of it, and it did provide some useful tools to help us get through a rough patch.

Edited by Fermit on Sunday 31st December 12:55

[Seventyseven7]

Gigamoons said:

Course she wants to reconsider, it’s dawned on her that lover boy’s now giving her the slow fade after he’s shagged her, and her housing situation / lifestyle will look very different without your support…

Wow, this talk and suggestions from grown men to consider reconciliation with a woman that’s fked another man behind your back. Genuinely amazes me how afraid of standing up and backing yourself to do better some people are. Shame on you.

Majority of men who get cheated on appear to come across as massive beta males, low confidence, put the women on a pedestal then wonder why they get walked all over.

100% this guy takes his bird back.

If people think a man working hard in his career is a reason for a women to cheat, god help every successful man out there. What is the women doing when the man is working hard to support their future life? Why can she decide she’s not getting attention and then can cheat? You’re just making huge excuses for being treated with no respect. She doesn’t love you.

Edited by Seventyseven7 on Sunday 31st December 12:59

[Fermit]

Seventyseven7 said:

Majority of men who get cheated on appear to come across as massive beta males, low confidence, put the women on a pedestal then wonder why they get walked all over.

100% this guy takes his bird back.

Whilst the details may be true, the tone when the world has just fallen out of this guys arse is not helpful. One pointer I would give to the OP is that if she makes any not 'in-person' contact, wait 20-30 minutes before responding, or let the phone ring off, and call her back at a similar duration. It will suggest to her that she is not the one controlling the situation, and avoid you looking needy.

[Harry Flashman]

Sighing at the tired "beta male" trope being trotted out again.

[Unreal]

There are stages in rebuilding which is why I suggested some pretty hard questions/tests before getting more invested and risking even more hurt.

The fact is that some people can and do get over a partner's infidelity. Those that say they wouldn't need to accept others may have a different view and it doesn't make them a sap/cuckold/weak etc.

If the OP wants help then it won't be by being told he is stupid or weak and that she will cheat again. It will be through giving him options that he can decide upon for himself. They might not work but they certainly can't if he doesn't try.

What's important is that he gets some early confirmation that it is worth pursuing and that needs to be highly tangible or he can be sure her heart's not in it.

[Sheets Tabuer]

I tried the reconciliation thing, managed 5 years but it was always there, amplified when the odd note that was forgotten about or recipt that would turn up.

It didn't work, infact it got worse until I couldn't bear it anymore and walked out.

Once it's done its done, for me anyway but god knows I tried.

[Gargamel]

Darkslider said:

But my gut feeling is this is going to leave a scar on me emotional that just won't heal.

I'd be keen to hear if anyone else has come back from what I'm feeling and made it work. Though my instinct is that trust is like china, you can try and stick it back together once it's broken but it'll never be same again.

It makes me choke to say it but maybe I'm better sweeping the broken pieces into the bin and moving on.

Sorry to hear of your troubles DS.

I’ve been where you are now and it’s not easy. I quoted the parts above because these show your instincts and feelings. You are in mourning for what you have lost, and that’s normal, take a moment to recognize what’s lost and trust your instincts to help guide you.

Try not to be bitter, the best revenge is to live well.

I tried to leave the door open for my ex to come back to me, but ultimately I knew deep down it was a lost cause. I could never believe a word she said again because of the lies (16 years and three kids when we split)

Good to you fella, you deserve better and it’s fun trying a few new lives before you find another one that suits you. I went on to live in two other countries….

Edited by Gargamel on Sunday 31st December 18:02

[QJumper]

Harry Flashman said:

A friend of mine is going through this. She cheated on him, because frankly he neglected her quite a lot. Partner at a big law firm, insane work/travel schedule, him doing it to build a financially secure life for his
Is family. She is at home, 3 kids, all with learning difficulties. She was isolated and lonely. She cheated,

Edited by Harry Flashman on Sunday 31st December 10:25

I agree with a lot of what you say, but this is probably the bit that gets me the most. Cleary she married him, at least in part, because of the benefits his career could bring.

This appllies to men as much as women, but we seem to be living in a society that encourages people to look to the benefits they might receive, whilst allowing no room for people to consider, understand, or accept the downsides too. As a result, when the real world conquences hit, they feel it's ok to act badly, and then justify it by saying things weren't going their way anymore. There no longer seems to be any desire to teach people to consider the long term implications of their choices, and accept responsibility when tnings pan out that way. Instead peope seem to feel that once the short term gratification stops, then they're absolved from any responsibility for their actions.

It's not just about trust either. A marriage, or relationship, has implied terms. Probably the most fundamental of those terms is sexual exclusivity between two people. To me, the emotional implications of cheating put it on a par with abuse. To then try and excuse, or worse, imply that the blame lies with the other party, only adds insult to injury. With any other form of abuse it would be called gaslighting.

Yes, we can all understand how it can happen, but equally there's nothing stopping anyone from saying that they're not happy with how things are, and that they'll leave if things don't change. Cheating is simply deceptively keeping your options open, or having your cake and eating it, which is both inherently selfish and inexcusable..

[Darkslider]

Once again thanks very much everyone for your replies, from both sides of the fence. It's a shame my post has created so much ill feeling however this is naturally an emotional and divisive topic I suppose so not unexpected.


I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.

She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.

In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.

None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.

[Fermit]

Darkslider said:

Once again thanks very much everyone for your replies, from both sides of the fence. It's a shame my post has created so much ill feeling however this is naturally an emotional and divisive topic I suppose so not unexpected.


I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.

She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.

In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.

None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.

If this is the route you have chosen, then I would maybe suggest setting a few boundaries now, to avoid her potentially screwing with your head further/ making your decision be questioned. For example, say follow up comms (which of course are unavoidable, splitting up belongings, sorting out direct debit delegation as a few EG's) say these are to be limited to a window between such and such a time, or instead maybe get a friend to handle the discussions which are basic, IE those not needing intimate knowledge about the relationship?

Edited by Fermit on Sunday 31st December 19:15