Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
The man has been frustrated all week. He simply cannot find a pair of pants that fit. Understandably finding pants that fit someone with 5 penises is difficult. The tailor notices the man looking at all different types of pants and asks him what he is looking for. The man explains his unique situation and the tailor says "I could just make you a pair of pants. We just need to take a few measurements. How would you like them to fit sir? Baggy? With lots of room downstairs?"
The man is excited and responds, "I want them to fit like a glove."
The man is excited and responds, "I want them to fit like a glove."
gothatway said:
Frank7 said:
Scratch that, I’ve been getting £200 p.a. Heating Allowance for a few years now, as I’m decrepit.
Get yourself a bus pass, Frank. It will save you having to bother with those pesky taxis.but I still use Black Cabs when I feel the need.
Vipers said:
silverfoxcc said:
What has Las Vegas, Blackpool and Southend got in common??.
All are places where you can exchange your chips for sex
Dont try that in Knightsbridge, they might give you coal sex.All are places where you can exchange your chips for sex
Peanut Gallery said:
A man is driving his TVR down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My TVR broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks “May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
Please stop weaving about, I can't hold my sights on you....The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks “May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
An Irishman walks in to an American bar.
He sits down and orders 3 beers.
“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.
“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down.
Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers.
The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers.
“Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass away?”
“Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
He sits down and orders 3 beers.
“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.
“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down.
Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers.
The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers.
“Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass away?”
“Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
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