Just how much did your life change when you had children?

[BenM77]

@bus Pass

I haven't seen anyone have a go at aww999 regards money, and he would have had different responses if he had kept it as his personal experience instead of saying " THIS IS HOW IT IS"

I hope things get easier for you and aww999.

[Lucas CAV]

bus pass said:

Justayellowbadge said:

aww999 said:

but no one ever talks about it.

There is a reason for this.

It is because it is just you.


You describe your son as a pointless blob and parenthood as properly crap. This is not normal. Nowhere near normal.

Seemingly he is not alone. Seemingly aww999 is not a single lone voice.

I'm awfully sorry 'justayellowbadge' that all of our lives cannot be as utterly perfect as yours seems to be. You seem quick to pour scorn upon those who don't quite earn six figure salarys, those for whom the end of each week sees them counting the pennys, wondering how they are going to afford to put fuel in the car to get to work, buy basic foodstuffs to feed themselves and their family that day, or pay the water bill.

Even though this is Pistonheads and 99.9% of the forum members are multi billionaires with butlers, valets and gardeners, there is still a very tiny percentage of us on here to whom children get in the way of scraping a living, or those of us who have reluctantly given in to a partners (and parents) constant requests and emotional blackmail to have children, or those of us who work seven days a week in multiple jobs who never get the time to spend on ourselves, let alone our wives or children, therefore never 'bonding' with said child or having the energy to become even mildly enthusiastic about this extra drain on our diminishing personal resources.

Perhaps next time you feel the need to eagerly judge, berate, chastise and criticize others, you may care to take but a moment to ponder that the lives and circumstance of others may not be quite as rosy as your own?


But then again, I won't hold my breath.

Hang on a mo

Aren't you the utter bellend who whinged and moaned about other peoples' children, who then moaned about his wife wanting them and how now she was pregnant you were not going to have anything to do with the child.

Then surprise, surprise - when the child (a girl IIRC) was born - you were a changed man.

"TVR Moneypit" wasn't it?


I don't think you're the best person to give advice.

[Justayellowbadge]

bus pass said:

Just of those who feel the need, ( or at least come across as being), unkind and uncomplimentary of those who aren't overly wealthy. Which IMO sums up 'Justayellowbadge' to a tee.

Blimey, it worries me that I come across that way.

I try, at all times, to be disdainful and scornful of idiots regardless of wealth, creed or colour.

Please don't single out money as a factor - I have so many more reasons than that to hate the stupid, bigoted, illiterate and feckless that the absence or not of a Range Rover on their drive barely even registers.

[Puggit]

Vytalis said:

Amateurish said:

had the snip last week.

possibly worthy of its own thread, but how was it?

It's nowhere near as bad as made out!

I think the thread would be better off asking what hasn't changed as a result of having children!

[BuzzLightyear]

Wow! Hasn't this thread turned into a real eye-opener?

It seems that all of the posts from those with children can pretty much be categorised as one of the following:
1. Everything is just peachy and if you don't "get parenthood", there's something wrong.
2. Life has changed significantly but, despite the down-sides, overall, it is a very positive experience.
3. DEVIL-CHILD RUINED MY LIFE!

I believe the 2nd view would generally be the most prevalent and that is my experience, too. The problems seem to arise when prospective parents either have entirely unrealsitic expectations and / or are completely unprepared for the basic facts of raising a baby.

Of course, there is also the importance of the outlook of the parents: If you have had a long, traumatic pregnancy or birth, it's understandable that an element of "negativity" towards the child may arise but this shouldn't last for long but could lead to a downward spiral. If, on the other hand, the parents have a positive, loving attitude to the child, this usually leads to a more "upward" spiral where good behaviour leads to positive reinforcement etc.

OP and others in a similar position, do not be petrified by some of the cat.3 posts on here. They are real and valid, of course, but are not the experience of the majority. Be prepared for the crap bits (literally!), lack of sleep, lack of money and the fact that both you and your partner have to make way for a third person in your relationship. Also make sure you also keep some time aside for yourselves, individually and as a couple, even if it's just for a meal out once a month or something.

[joe_90]

Its hard hard work, but the rewards are infinite.

No sleep, no spare time (no idea what i used to do in the evenings and weekends, [I think it was sex]), and the boobies are not you play things any more.

But I have learned to do somersaults on a trampoline, so its not all bad.

The older they get the easier it gets, and the seconds is far easier than the first.

[Vytalis]

joe_90 said:

and the boobies are not you play things any more.

But I have learned to do somersaults on a trampoline, so its not all bad.

boobies may have to be shared, but there is normally plenty more to go round

also, trampolines and huge boobs is another positive side effect.


Mmmm, boobies

[fin racer]

my little man was unplanned, but I now have my best little mate.
I virtually never get to lie in beyond 7AM.
I hardly ever get to finish my own meal when he is about.
Most evenings are taken up with him and getting him off to bed.
I can't do any work around the house without him being stuck to my side.
If I even THINK about leaving the house in the car, he has to be with me.
Haven't had a holiday in three years.
Does any of that matter?
Well I'll sum it up like this. No matter how stty a day its been in the office. No matter how crappy the drive home, when I see his face and he is waiting for me at the door with a big cheesy grin shouting "DADDY!", it all evaporates.
I still get nights out now and again, still get to do some of the things I want to, but I'd give it all up to ensure I'm always there when he needs me.
'nuff said.

OP - embrace it totally,good luck

[crackthatoff]

swapped this

for this


would not change a thing although it does piss me off slightly having to go down the pink isle at toys r us rather than the blue one full of good stuff.

Must admit at first I found it hard having to change my singleton lifestyle, to be honest it hit me like a brick as I was still living at the parents house.
sold the car bought a house, got a family car, doubled the workload to pay for all the crap that now clutters the whole house.
It is what you make of it and I wouldn't change a thing. Don't get me wrong its a hard slog but very rewarding.

[aizvara]

bus pass said:

No disdain of those who are financially comfortable, (good on them I say). Just of those who feel the need, ( or at least come across as being), unkind and uncomplimentary of those who aren't overly wealthy. Which IMO sums up 'Justayellowbadge' to a tee.

I didn't notice anyone insulting others for their financial situation. It can be financially tough to raise children; I've certainly noticed this a lot.

bus pass said:

As expected any hint of not overly enjoying parenthood results in the usual PH witch hunt. Maybe it's something in the water in the locale, but I do personally know of a few others who feel that being a father is a pretty miserable experience at the best of times. Why such honesty results in PH fury I don't know. Perhaps someone would be kind enough to explain that to me in a clear and calm way?

The thing is, you and aww999 are not just "not overly enjoying it" you both have stated that you resent your children and miss your old life to the point that it has or is causing problems. I assumed your first post on the topic was actually a joke, but apparently not. This is not normal; parents are supposed to love their children and give up almost anything for them. Its a natural hormonal result of bonding with your child, and it doesn't work in some cases (particularly those where the birth has been very difficult or resulted in cesarean section or other interventions).

bus pass said:

Or maybe there is something seriously wrong with myself and 'aw999'? I can only assume that for the majority of men being a Dad gives a lifetime of 'Dad-ness' nivarna and marital bliss?

Surely its obvious that there's something wrong? No idea about a lifetime of marital bliss and whatever; it certainly can put a strain on any relationship. Not entirely enjoying every moment of being a dad, having marriage/relationship issues and other problems are quite normal (if nothing else, the chronic tiredness makes me irritable more frequently); wanting to run away or have the child adopted is not. I'd personally be entirely destroyed if my son was taken away from me. I was away from him for a week a while back, and it was very hard to deal with.

If you are distant to, or actively disdainful of, your child then you will inevitably affect how he/she will grow, develop and behave; your attitude starts to have an effect from a very early age.

You have to try to think about them first, yourself second. That is parenthood.

[Simon Brooks]

your life will change more than you can possibly imagine, however the rewards of watching your kids develope and change over the years is worth every bit of agg, to see them grow into adults and achieve different things is amazing. To watch your son pull on a county rugby shirt and smash the hell out of a national squad makes all the cabbing worth while, to watch your daughter teach a class of severly autistic kids makes all the screaming about doing homework understandable

bottom line is, i wouldnt change one minute and cant wait for them to have thier own families, so i can sit back and enjoy the journey all over again

[BliarOut]

bus pass said:

aizvara said:

bus pass said:

As expected any hint of not overly enjoying parenthood results in the usual PH witch hunt. Maybe it's something in the water in the locale, but I do personally know of a few others who feel that being a father is a pretty miserable experience at the best of times. Why such honesty results in PH fury I don't know. Perhaps someone would be kind enough to explain that to me in a clear and calm way?

The thing is, you and aww999 are not just "not overly enjoying it" you both have stated that you resent your children and miss your old life to the point that it has or is causing problems. I assumed your first post on the topic was actually a joke, but apparently not. This is not normal; parents are supposed to love their children and give up almost anything for them. Its a natural hormonal result of bonding with your child, and it doesn't work in some cases (particularly those where the birth has been very difficult or resulted in cesarean section or other interventions).

I believe that the OP was asking how peoples lies had changed once their wife or partner had given birth to a child?

As far as I see it all myself and 'aw999' did was tell it how it is from our own perpesctive. I cant see anything wrong with that personally. Of course this resulted in the usual hellfire and brimstone from several other contributors to this thread, just as it has done in other threads in the past. Is honesty not a virtue any more?

I'm with AW and a bit dismayed that people could be judgemental for sharing *his* truth whether they've shared it or not.

A difficult birth followed by a bout of PND is anything but joyful. Sure, parenting *should* be a bed of roses but it isn't always. It has to be better to know all the possible changes that can happen during parenthood surely?

I can empathise with a lot of what AW posted but...

I was out with my daughters in a Jimmy Spices last night and the buggers were sharking boys while I sat there all on my lonesone

I think eventually you'll 'get' parenting but there's no guarantee it's gona start off all Waltons!

[Pints]

One child = big change.

Second child - you have no idea!

[williamp]

FRom this:



to this:



But we did get this:



which more then makes up for it. Its a very unusual liftstyle, but now we cannot imagine life without him, and why you would you not want a slobbering, smelly, noisy, useless, expensive bundle of fab to play with?

[Roger Dodger]

Pints said:

One child = big change.

Second child - you have no idea!

Really? I'd assume that child #2 would be easier then child #1 (as long as there was a decent amount of time between the 2) as you would have the experience etc.

I don't have kids though!

[aww999]

I am aww999's wife. Often browse the forums and just found this. Oh my god, I think he and I have some talking to do...... I am actually quite shaken having read this.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a long way off. It has been getting better in increments, e.g. when I stopped breastfeeding on medical advice, when our son learned, firstly, to sit up and then crawl as he is a lot less frustrated now. Against that, he has been teething for months and, to date, each tooth has been preceded by two weeks of screaming, alleviated only by calpol and nurofen. He is not drinking or eating properly, and now is refusing to take medicine so we have to force it. The worry about his health all the time is the source of a lot of my own stress. It is VERY hard to bear when you have a baby that will not stop crying some days. In the words of my own (eminent) psychiatrist who has kids: "small babies are st - me and my wife HATED it until they were two".

The thought of anyone comparing us to the parents in the Baby P case is horrifying. Our son is played with, taken out to fun places, mentally stimulated, cuddled and kissed all day every day. We would never do anything else, despite what we feel inside.

[VPower]

aww999 said:

I am aww999's wife. Often browse the forums and just found this. Oh my god, I think he and I have some talking to do...... I am actually quite shaken having read this.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a long way off. It has been getting better in increments, e.g. when I stopped breastfeeding on medical advice, when our son learned, firstly, to sit up and then crawl as he is a lot less frustrated now. Against that, he has been teething for months and, to date, each tooth has been preceded by two weeks of screaming, alleviated only by calpol and nurofen. He is not drinking or eating properly, and now is refusing to take medicine so we have to force it. The worry about his health all the time is the source of a lot of my own stress. It is VERY hard to bear when you have a baby that will not stop crying some days. In the words of my own (eminent) psychiatrist who has kids: "small babies are st - me and my wife HATED it until they were two".

The thought of anyone comparing us to the parents in the Baby P case is horrifying. Our son is played with, taken out to fun places, mentally stimulated, cuddled and kissed all day every day. We would never do anything else, despite what we feel inside.

To be honest, I did not reply to you hubby because I could see his point of view as just "Getting it off his chest", even though my original posting to the OP was one of a much brighter experience I can understand his words.

We all get that feeling, but handle it differently, and over protectiveness can often trigger it.
So I did not worry at his words.

I was very lucky in that I could just switch it off when mine were babies.
To this day a crying baby makes me want to pick it up and comfort it.
It was a deliberate state of mind in my case, as I knew it was natural having seen it all before with nephews and nieces.

Indeed, in the case of my wife's nieces who have their own babie, I have done just picked them up and given the "Girls" a rest for half an hour while taking the little ones for a walk up to the park. Even a baby enjoys watching other children run around screaming and shouting!!

It is the lack of family support that can make life seem unbearable at times.

LETTING it OUT, is healthy and I have no worries about you two, especially if you can now talk it through together.

Trying to do it all alone is very difficult if no family are near by.
When mine were young, an old lady over the road popped in to chat and have a cup of tea with my wife and she became a great source of helpful advice and support for my wife, just being there and having been through it herself many years before!

So I would advise anyone who does not have a perfect baby (everyone!) to look for support around them. I know it's there, just waiting to help.

Accepting advice and help does NOT mean parents are doing anything wrong, quite the opposite IMHO.


As I said in my original posting, my wife took some time to "Take" to our son, he refused to feed from her and that did not help. She still says "He didn't want ME" when the girls all taking baby.

If you saw them now, and how proud she was at his Graduation last month, you'd never know of the little hiccup all those years ago.

[Vytalis]

Whilst there are one or two cynics who have been pretty negative, I think your posts have actually been responded to well - lots (majority) positive comments. First year with a child having a difficult time is hellish. I think as most people on here responded, it does get better. This is from first hand experience, she is 3 next week and totally awesome after a year of no sleep, constant worry and a wedge between the two of us. Things are now (finally) better than ever, but it can take time.

[Vytalis]

Whilst there are one or two cynics who have been pretty negative, I think your posts have actually been responded to well - lots (majority) positive comments. First year with a child having a difficult time is hellish. I think as most people on here responded, it does get better. This is from first hand experience, she is 3 next week and totally awesome after a year of no sleep, constant worry and a wedge between the two of us. Things are now (finally) better than ever, but it can take time.

[wevster]

It gets better, it takes a while though. I found the first couple of years really tough much like yourself. It gets easier over time, just stick with it. Yes your life changes a lot and it's very difficult to adjust to the new way of life, my daughter was very difficult for the first 2 years but she's great now, she's my best friend and the good times far outweigh the bad. You'll see things will get much better!!

Edited by wevster on Sunday 14th August 20:20